Worst night tonight...please help.

**Sassyclass** · 12-03-2009, 07:20 PM

Originally Posted by thefrug

If it didn't say south jersey on your profile, I'd say you were with my nephew. lol he bummed around because my sil,nieces and his girlfriend(s) would all give him money. Sounds like to me you need to stop footing HIS bills. You make the money, it's yours, and you need to spend it the right way and not his way.
Honestly, I don't know whats wrong with the younger generations. Well, I have an idea, but thats another thread.
Since you insist on keeping the boy ( cuz thats how he's acting),and that you LUV him and he's all you've known( geesh,thats weird that is) then you need to be the adult and stop catering to him. OR just accept the fact that you will have to take care of your lazy man. One or the other. Decide and then quit yer @itchin.

What she said.

Cat

**AnW819** · 12-03-2009, 08:22 PM

That post actually confused me and upset me...I did not feel like I was '@itching'.

**Dixie** · 12-03-2009, 10:07 PM

Originally Posted by AnW819

That post actually confused me and upset me...I did not feel like I was '@itching'.

You weren't!

**JenMarie** · 12-04-2009, 08:22 AM

Originally Posted by AnW819

I know that this is what his problem is. He is obese and is standing @ work all night...With my whole family being over weight and my one uncle getting weight loss surgery...I know that DH's pain is from his weight. I am over weight and my ancles hurt like you would not believe. DH knows he needs to loose weight....but we both suck on doing that.

OK... Here's what I would do... I think this would be helpful wtih my DH... he responds well to a little babying

I would say "DH, I'm sorry I said you were faking your knee pain. I know that your knee hurts. I am just scared to death about our financial situation, I am sick of depending on my father and I just really need you to have a job... we BOTH need to be earning every dollar possible right now. I don't think there is anything serious wrong with your knee. You probably are having pain because you're not used to standing/walking for 8 hours at a time. We should try putting heat and ice on your knee after work. You need to take ibuprofen before and after work. I think with time, your body will get used to your new job and your knee will feel better. If after a few weeks of work it is getting worse, then we will try to figure out a way for you to see a specialist" (OK THAT's BS, but it'll make him feel better)

Then- When he goes back to work, offer him some ibuprofen- when he gets home ask him about his knee, offer him a heating pad. Tell him you are so glad that he stuck it out even though he was in pain.

If he works for an entire week straight... call somebody (mom, sister, friend) and praise him where he can hear you. Say "DH is having a lot of knee pain with his new job and trying to adjust to 3rd shift, but he's doing great, I'm so happy that this job looks like it's going to work out"

Make him a special treat or favorite meal... do small things to show that you appreciate him (when he's working) If you can help make his working a positive experience, he might start to adjust his thinking... just a few thoughts... maybe some of it might work for your DH.

**Greebo** · 12-04-2009, 08:38 AM

Originally Posted by AnW819

That post actually confused me and upset me...I did not feel like I was '@itching'.

I don't think she meant it in a bad way - I think she was just trying to light heartedly say that sooner or later you will need to decide and to act.

Now - a year from now - if nothing has changed and you're still posting on the boards about it - then we'll pretty much be convinced that you'd rather bitch about it THAN do anything about it.

But right now, far as I can tell, what you're doing is talking through your problems so you can decide what to do - not just talking to talk.

Hope that helps... (assuming my interpretation is correct)

**MyMelody** · 12-04-2009, 12:42 PM

I like JenMarie's suggestions. Just be sure to draw the line at how much special treatment/coddling you're willing to give DH before expecting to see some meaningful changes.

By all means, take these FV posters' good advice re: becoming more independent with your own DL and bank account. However, please, please be careful that if DH wasn't being sincere in his email that he doesn't manage to access your personal account or somehow convince you to give him any cash. Now that he's read your letter and knows your plan, he may consider your emergency/escape fund as a safety net for his own "wants" and/or resistance to go to work.

**AnW819** · 12-04-2009, 06:02 PM

This is exactly how I have to act to my DH...LOL. So funny...but it works. Its like he listens and understands me more than

Originally Posted by JenMarie

OK... Here's what I would do... I think this would be helpful wtih my DH... he responds well to a little babying

I would say "DH, I'm sorry I said you were faking your knee pain. I know that your knee hurts. I am just scared to death about our financial situation, I am sick of depending on my father and I just really need you to have a job... we BOTH need to be earning every dollar possible right now. I don't think there is anything serious wrong with your knee. You probably are having pain because you're not used to standing/walking for 8 hours at a time. We should try putting heat and ice on your knee after work. You need to take ibuprofen before and after work. I think with time, your body will get used to your new job and your knee will feel better. If after a few weeks of work it is getting worse, then we will try to figure out a way for you to see a specialist" (OK THAT's BS, but it'll make him feel better)

Then- When he goes back to work, offer him some ibuprofen- when he gets home ask him about his knee, offer him a heating pad. Tell him you are so glad that he stuck it out even though he was in pain.

If he works for an entire week straight... call somebody (mom, sister, friend) and praise him where he can hear you. Say "DH is having a lot of knee pain with his new job and trying to adjust to 3rd shift, but he's doing great, I'm so happy that this job looks like it's going to work out"

Make him a special treat or favorite meal... do small things to show that you appreciate him (when he's working) If you can help make his working a positive experience, he might start to adjust his thinking... just a few thoughts... maybe some of it might work for your DH.

**Sassyclass** · 12-04-2009, 08:30 PM

Ashley, I sent you a pm.

Cat

**lottaLove** · 12-04-2009, 08:42 PM

Originally Posted by JenMarie

OK... Here's what I would do... I think this would be helpful wtih my DH... he responds well to a little babying

I would say "DH, I'm sorry I said you were faking your knee pain. I know that your knee hurts. I am just scared to death about our financial situation, I am sick of depending on my father and I just really need you to have a job... we BOTH need to be earning every dollar possible right now. I don't think there is anything serious wrong with your knee. You probably are having pain because you're not used to standing/walking for 8 hours at a time. We should try putting heat and ice on your knee after work. You need to take ibuprofen before and after work. I think with time, your body will get used to your new job and your knee will feel better. If after a few weeks of work it is getting worse, then we will try to figure out a way for you to see a specialist" (OK THAT's BS, but it'll make him feel better)

Then- When he goes back to work, offer him some ibuprofen- when he gets home ask him about his knee, offer him a heating pad. Tell him you are so glad that he stuck it out even though he was in pain.

If he works for an entire week straight... call somebody (mom, sister, friend) and praise him where he can hear you. Say "DH is having a lot of knee pain with his new job and trying to adjust to 3rd shift, but he's doing great, I'm so happy that this job looks like it's going to work out"

Make him a special treat or favorite meal... do small things to show that you appreciate him (when he's working) If you can help make his working a positive experience, he might start to adjust his thinking... just a few thoughts... maybe some of it might work for your DH.

This reminds me of the dreaded man cold. I know not all men suffer from man colds, but my man certainly does.

**Peaches** · 12-05-2009, 12:55 AM

Originally Posted by JenMarie

OK... Here's what I would do... I think this would be helpful wtih my DH... he responds well to a little babying

I would say "DH, I'm sorry I said you were faking your knee pain. I know that your knee hurts. I am just scared to death about our financial situation, I am sick of depending on my father and I just really need you to have a job... we BOTH need to be earning every dollar possible right now. I don't think there is anything serious wrong with your knee. You probably are having pain because you're not used to standing/walking for 8 hours at a time. We should try putting heat and ice on your knee after work. You need to take ibuprofen before and after work. I think with time, your body will get used to your new job and your knee will feel better. If after a few weeks of work it is getting worse, then we will try to figure out a way for you to see a specialist" (OK THAT's BS, but it'll make him feel better)

Then- When he goes back to work, offer him some ibuprofen- when he gets home ask him about his knee, offer him a heating pad. Tell him you are so glad that he stuck it out even though he was in pain.

If he works for an entire week straight... call somebody (mom, sister, friend) and praise him where he can hear you. Say "DH is having a lot of knee pain with his new job and trying to adjust to 3rd shift, but he's doing great, I'm so happy that this job looks like it's going to work out"

Make him a special treat or favorite meal... do small things to show that you appreciate him (when he's working) If you can help make his working a positive experience, he might start to adjust his thinking... just a few thoughts... maybe some of it might work for your DH.

I have to be the voice of dissent here, because this just makes me mad. The OP is doing everything she can to better her situation, and on top of it all she has to molly-coddle this boy who won't step up and be a man. No one is doing these nice things for her; she's just expected to get on with it. But he manages to go to work for a week and gets a pat on the back and a special meal? What a way to celebrate mediocrity.

**AnW819** · 12-05-2009, 01:25 AM

I want to add...I am really not that type of housewife to my DH who coddles his every move and does everything for him...I really don't do that and DH does not except me to do that...

This post was more so upset with my DH for not having good work ethic.

As far as a lot of people saying stop paying his debts, etc...Every since I was 15 DH and I have always put our money together and paid our bills together since it was always for both of us. This is something DH and I always have done and it came natrually. There were times when I was younger where my dad did not take care of me and DH did. He paid for my food and heat, etc. and I did not give him one penny because I did not work because I was in school and there was times DH did not have a job when I did and I helped him out...

So money is not the issue either. DH and I have always put our money together and that just works for us. I know a lot of couples do the this is my paycheck and that is yours and we split the bills and such but we do not like that. I do not pay DH's debt...we pay DH's debt as he pays for mine.

The issue was he was not manning up to go to work and was being lazy.

As far as an update goes: Things are going good right now. I don't expect things to change right away...and its gonna take some work but DH knows that. DH burned him arm at work the other day. Really bad...bubbles and such...if we would have not had the talk and stuff he might of called out but he went in and dealt with it because he understood that while his arm hurts he still needs to provide.

DH is still having a problem with his knee. It sounds to me like it really is a problem with the cartridge. Its on the side of his knee, and he said the pain is inside so we will have to get it checked out...but he knows he still needs to go to work.

Lets just hope that DH had a smack on the @$$ and things continue to get better...

Thanks everyone for all your help and support. I always appreciate it!

**mnmarty03** · 12-05-2009, 07:14 AM

I am happy things are going better for you. I have a random question though (sorry if you've answered this already) - how old is your DH? I'm just curious, thanks!

**JenMarie** · 12-05-2009, 08:21 AM

Originally Posted by Peaches

I have to be the voice of dissent here, because this just makes me mad. The OP is doing everything she can to better her situation, and on top of it all she has to molly-coddle this boy who won't step up and be a man. No one is doing these nice things for her; she's just expected to get on with it. But he manages to go to work for a week and gets a pat on the back and a special meal? What a way to celebrate mediocrity.

Well, OP said she doesn't want to leave him, she wants to make it work... marriage is work... sometimes one spouse gives more than they get. His parents obviously did a lousy job... and he needs to grow up now. My DH was spoiled and it was hard for me because I was not raised that way. But I have found that being attentive to him and being positive when he acted more mature helped a lot more than fighting with him. That is what he responded to and the end result is he has changed and matured and we don't have these issues nearly as often anymore.

**ahmom** · 12-05-2009, 12:24 PM

Originally Posted by AnW819

This post was more so upset with my DH for not having good work ethic.

As far as a lot of people saying stop paying his debts, etc...Every since I was 15 DH and I have always put our money together and paid our bills together since it was always for both of us. This is something DH and I always have done and it came natrually. There were times when I was younger where my dad did not take care of me and DH did. He paid for my food and heat, etc. and I did not give him one penny because I did not work because I was in school and there was times DH did not have a job when I did and I helped him out...

money together and that just works for us. I know a lot of couples do the this is my paycheck and that is yours and we split the bills and such but we do not like that. I do not pay DH's debt...we pay DH's debt as he pays for mine.

Where did he get this $ before you were married?