Including the past with the present... but how?

[MomToTwoBoys]

Before I met DH, I had an extremely different lifestyle. I used to go out to clubs, bars and hang out with my friends. Then I met DH and it was completely different from there on out.

He and I haven't talked much about my past, but I know about his. I've recently come into contact with some friends of mine from way back in the day, but they're more mellow and have families now. When we all hung out, we were different people back then. These are friends of mine that even go back into high school or more. However, when I talk about them with DH, he acts as if he's not interested at all. He sometimes acts a little distant afterwards. These are friends of mine that are of no threat to my current living situation at all.

I want to be able to bring back the past and melt it into the present. I want these people to be a part of my life again, just as they used to be before I met DH. I spend lots of time at home with the family that I have now, then there's that small amount of time that I spend talking to my friends (none of them are local because they all moved around the US and I live in Canada now).

I do take DH's feelings into consideration, but should that mean I should just leave my past out of my life because he's not comfortable with it? I promised these friends way before I met DH that I'd never let anything affect our friendship.

Is it wrong of me to put my past above my present in this type of situation? I've already changed myself to please DH.... but should that mean I need to change all of me to please him even more? I don't want to feel like a Stepford wife or anything.

[Contrary Housewife]

I would guess that DH is not interested because he does not know these people at all. At least you haven't mentioned socializing with them.

Try planning a casual dinner with some of your old friends, one couple at a time, or maybe two couples, and introduce him. Who knows, he may find he has something in common with your old friends.

And you may find you no longer do.... but until you get people together you won't really know.

EDIT: sorry, I missed that part where you said they weren't local. That makes it tougher to bring DH into the picture. Until then, they're your friends and he isn't going to get excited about people he does not know at all.

[krbshappy71]

If they aren't local anyhow, what do you mean by blending them into the present? Do you just want to talk about the good ol' days? Sometimes other people just wont get the same jokes or think the same stories are funny because they were not a part of it. "Had to be there!" is never as entertaining as being there.

If he feels you changed for him, perhaps he's concerned you'll change back. People who change for themselves are more likely to stay that way. People who change for someone else will likely yearn for what they used to have.

My brother once told me that a guy I was dating, who smoked, could give up the cigs for me but the guy would always want it, think about it, and know that he gave it up for me. As opposed to the same person one day waking up and giving it up for themselves. There's no resentment towards the person who "made me give up the cigs", and less chance of falling back because it was their own decision.
I've already changed myself to please DH.... but should that mean I need to change all of me to please him even more? I don't want to feel like a Stepford wife or anything.
I got the impression that you are trying very hard to be a certain way. If he's not convinced you are that way for yourself, then it seems to be he would have reason to be concerned that you yearn for the way you used to be. Which might be threatening or an insecure feeling for him.

At the end of the day, I'd say think about what really matters to you. How important is it to you that he listen to the stories? Are they something you can journal instead? Tell a girlfriend about instead? If he does seem uncomfortable then find something else to talk about. We can't control how others react to what we say, but we can choose whether to keep saying it. Is this something you can just drop as far as he's concerned and have the friendships anyhow? It seems to me like you feel like you have to choose one or the other and I don't know why you feel that way. Why not just choose whether or not to chit chat about it?

[frugalfoster]

You can try to blend the two...but it may come that you have to make a decision on which is most important to you.... the secret to a happy marriage is not finding the right person...it's being the right person.... and you have to want to be that person

[Siebrie]

Dh and I have both changed since our move to another country, marriage and dd arriving. We are happy because we really want to be together, but sometimes we yearn for the time before we met each other and the time when we were dating. We recognize this behaviour (if not in ourselves, then in our partner) and make sure it's dealt with.

For instance: my dh used to go salsa dancing 5 nights a week before he met me. Now, when he gets restless, I either arrange for some of his friends to take him on a night out, or press him to go dancing. If I get restless, he dials my friends for me and then passes me the phone; always a nice surprise! Dh does not care much for some of my hobbies (making cards.....), but makes sure I have time to do them.

We have both made changes to be able to be together, but we also remember that we fell in love before we made the changes. To us it's important to keep those 'personas' alive!

[DaughterOfErin]

"I've already changed myself to please DH"

Wow this kind of jumped out at me. Why would anyone "change" themselves just to please another? My attitude is take me as I am or just leave me alone. Changing myself for someone else certainly would not be an option for me.

[mndtrp]

Relationships are dependent on compromise, which implies changing. People have their core traits, beliefs and values, which can change through an internal choice, while other less important aspects can be changed for the benefit of someone else.

Since this is primarily a frugality forum, I'll use this example; my fiancee had no frugal bone in her body when we met. She changed that over time, mostly for me. On the other hand, she is adamant about her love for her cat, that she won't change. I have been frugal for a long time, and I won't change that aspect of my life, but I did accept her cat for her.

As far as the OP is concerned, it seems that all you want is to share your past stories with your husband. I can see why he would have a general disinterest, since he doesn't know any of your friends. He can't relate to the locations, the people, or that past you. Men generally aren't very empathetic, while women are more so. This makes it easier for you to get interested in his past, while not so much the other way around.

If you are wanting to spend time with your old friends, I would try to avoid making the entire conversation about the "good ol' times" that hubby wasn't a part of. Or put him in front of a pool table with your friend's husbands, and all will eventually work out.

Changing is an ok thing, pasts are in the past for a reason, and cats can be kind of fun when they aren't waking you up at 5 in the morning.

[frugal is fun]

"I've already changed myself to please DH"

Wow this kind of jumped out at me. Why would anyone "change" themselves just to please another? My attitude is take me as I am or just leave me alone. Changing myself for someone else certainly would not be an option for me.

I caught this line too. Let me just say and I'm talking from experience that your inner self will eventually come out, you will need it too because that is who you are. Making sacrifices for someone you love is normal however, you should not change who you are to be with someone. It just won't work in the end.

My 11 year marriage ended because I changed myself for the man I loved and then hated who I became.

Try talking to Dh about his feelings and then talk about your feelings. There has to be compromise in there somewhere and if there isn't then maybe you should be rethinking the relationship.