DH is being so insensitive these past few days.
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  1. #1
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Default DH is being so insensitive these past few days.

    DH is really hurting my feelings latley and I don't know how to go about it.

    I have bad anixety. Its hard for me to even leave the house. I have this huge thing where I cannot call people on the phone. Even my friends will tell you, I can't do it. Its awful. When I do do it, I get myself sick.

    Anyway, we are trying to sell our furniture and people have been calling and when they call I say DH its someone about the couch, and he goes well you f'ing answer it!! Its your stupid phone!

    I tell DH could you please do it for me? You know I have a problem. And he gets real mad and will either answer, or just loss the phone some where.

    Now yes, I know, its my problem and I have to get help for my anxiety but at this point in time I cannot. No health insurance, no money, and I have been trying to get over it myself, and if I could I would, but I can't.

    DH is just so mean about it. When I had counselling two years ago DH would sit in per my request so maybe he would understand because when I use to have panic attacks and such he would tell me I am crazy and yell at me and stuff. He told me he understands and stuff, but now this past week its getting really bad where he just does not care at all.

    I have just had it. He woke up this morning in a great mood, and I told him I have to finish packing the house tonight and he said you don't have to do it all I am gonna help you to babe, and well, his butt is on the couch watching the Phillies game.

    Where is the help? I know this is a common problem in marriages, but it bothers me to no end. I can't pack and clean this whole apartment for this move and then feel like I am getting verbally abused.

    Why can't DH just be like okay babe, ill answer because I don't want you to have a panic attack but we really have to work on this. Not, its not my f'ing phone!!! You answer it!! I tell DH it bothers me and he says nothing.

    I'm just so bummed about it. What would be a good way to go about talking about this? Writing him a letter?

  2. #2
    Registered User Libby's Avatar
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    This may be the point in where you have to just have blind faith and trust him when he says he's gonna help. Assign him a group of things or a section to pack, set out the supplies necessary and ask him for an estimate time line of when he 'thinks' he will be done and just let it be. I know you're prob like me, control freak and want things done on your time but sometimes you just have to sit back and have faith. Who knows...he may pack more then he said he would and sooner then you thought....just give him time and space after he's set out the time line.

  3. #3
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Yeah but the thing is, there is no more time for him to do it. He was suppose to help pack all week and did nothing. Tomorrow is when we are suppose to move out. =[

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    Registered User Dancing Lotus's Avatar
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    If I were you I would be hurt by his attitude. While I have no problem calling a friend I don't like to make "business' type calls. I have no rational explanation it just makes me very uncomfortable and I will get anyone else I can to make the call for me. So what I am saying is I can kinda understand how you feel.

    As for him, If I remember correctly (and I may be wrong) you two were living with your father before getting your own place not that long ago? Was that you are maybe I am thinking of someone else? Maybe he is upset that you weren't able to make it in this apartment. Perhaps this is stress causing him to act this way.

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    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnnK View Post
    If I were you I would be hurt by his attitude. While I have no problem calling a friend I don't like to make "business' type calls. I have no rational explanation it just makes me very uncomfortable and I will get anyone else I can to make the call for me. So what I am saying is I can kinda understand how you feel.

    As for him, If I remember correctly (and I may be wrong) you two were living with your father before getting your own place not that long ago? Was that you are maybe I am thinking of someone else? Maybe he is upset that you weren't able to make it in this apartment. Perhaps this is stress causing him to act this way.
    No that is me, and DH says he is a bit happy to move back in with my dad so that we can save more money again and do it the right way. He does not seem upset about it at all actually. Who knows.

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    Registered User mek42's Avatar
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    This doesn't excuse him, but maybe he feels like a failure at providing for his woman. Maybe he is even wrestling a little with depression over this. Good luck and I hope this is just a temporary thing on him and that he starts improving when you start seeing some progress if not sooner.

  7. #7
    Registered User daughter of pearl's Avatar
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    Ash, do what can reasonably be expected, leave some for him, and get some sleep. If you do, in fact, have to move tomorrow, and he is in a less than helpful mood, you will be able to deal with it better if you are well-rested.

    Good vibes, strength and peace coming your way, hon!

  8. #8
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Thanks guys You guys always cheer me up!

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    Registered User 2ndGenGranola's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mek42 View Post
    This doesn't excuse him, but maybe he feels like a failure at providing for his woman. Maybe he is even wrestling a little with depression over this. Good luck and I hope this is just a temporary thing on him and that he starts improving when you start seeing some progress if not sooner.
    I agree.

    Try to think of it this way...you deal with your anxiety by having panic attacks and not answering the phone. (I know panic attacks are involuntary as I have them too but so can some of his issues even though they are not as obvious as panic attacks). He deals with them by zoning out on the sofa. His throwing the phone or telling you to answer it is his way (although a dumb way) of saying that he is having the same levels of anxiety as you area. Some men just cannot identify and label it the way other people can and come off looking like a donkey rather than a person in need.

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    Registered User mek42's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by 2ndGenGranola View Post
    ... Some men just cannot identify and label it the way other people can and come off looking like a donkey rather than a person in need.
    It's also drilled into us (men) from many levels from a very early age that it is better to be perceived as a jerk than as weak. Even when one is aware that this is going on, it is hard to turn off the jerk at home, especially if the workplace is one where you need the jerk.

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    Registered User druthb00's Avatar
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    My BF has been down this anxiety/panic attack road....and is still going down it. We just had to get his meds switched about a month ago because he pretty much had a nervous breakdown. The reason I'm telling you this is because he went almost a full year of having full blown panic attacks from simple things like making a phone call, going through a drive through window... he couldn't even call his parents without having a panic attack. And I say 'simple' things because for someone without anxiety/panic disorder, these ARE simple things. But I have to tell you, insurance companies generally don't cover doctor visits for 'mental illness,' and that is what they call it. We had insurance for 4 years at our old jobs and they did not cover a dime towards his doctor visits. The only thing it would have helped with is the prescription costs....but he was on a Paxil generic that only cost $4 a month at WalMart. So even then, insurance was of no use. You're really playing with fire by not getting this taken care of Ash, I'm telling you from my experience with what has happened with BF, it will only get worse. Once you guys start making some money again, I really think you should get a hold on this before you move out of your dad's house again. ((Hugs))

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    Registered User krbshappy71's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnW819 View Post
    DH is really hurting my feelings latley and I don't know how to go about it.

    I have bad anixety. Its hard for me to even leave the house. I have this huge thing where I cannot call people on the phone. Even my friends will tell you, I can't do it. Its awful. When I do do it, I get myself sick.

    Anyway, we are trying to sell our furniture and people have been calling and when they call I say DH its someone about the couch, and he goes well you f'ing answer it!! Its your stupid phone!

    I tell DH could you please do it for me? You know I have a problem. And he gets real mad and will either answer, or just loss the phone some where.
    If DH is not home, and a call comes in about the couch, what do you do?
    "If you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, march down there and light it yourself."

    Car loan (ugh, again!)
    Husband's debt to work on, mine is gone except car loan. w00t!

    Yah, I suck at this money stuff, I know. That's why I'm here.

  13. #13
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by krbshappy71 View Post
    If DH is not home, and a call comes in about the couch, what do you do?
    Don't answer and then try to text them.

  14. #14
    Registered User MyMelody's Avatar
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    My feelings would be hurt, too. I agree with other posters that this could be your DH's reaction to having to move out of the apartment. I like Libby's suggestion to give him a list of things that need to be done and ask for a time frame. I also agree with druthb00 re: taking care of yourself and your mental health as soon as finances work out. All I can suggest in the meantime is to perhaps write yourself out a script with what you need to say if you have to answer the phone, and play with the ringtones and "pretend" to get a call so you can role play answering it. Idk if this would help with your comfort level or not, but it could be worth a try.




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    Quote Originally Posted by mek42 View Post
    This doesn't excuse him, but maybe he feels like a failure at providing for his woman. Maybe he is even wrestling a little with depression over this. Good luck and I hope this is just a temporary thing on him and that he starts improving when you start seeing some progress if not sooner.
    I agree.

    My company was recently bought by another one, and my initial reaction was "how am I going to provide?" While I have enough savings to go a year or so without a lifestyle change, I still started freaking out. When my wife came home, and I told her, she started going on about how she had to move her office due to flooding. I got incredibly angry, because I'm concerned about how to keep our status of living continuing, and she just wants to talk about how she has to work from a different room. I'm thinking about her, and SHE'S thinking about her, it seemed selfish.

    We did resolve our issues, and it looks like there won't be a problem with work in the near future, but my reaction to the news wasn't ideal. Your hubby could be doing the same, although the lack of helping with anything points to him also just wanting to avoid the issue altogether.

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