Is it so Wrong For Me to Grieve For.....
Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 15 of 23
  1. #1
    Registered User many houseapes's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    texas
    Age
    49
    Posts
    1,447
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    17

    Default Is it so Wrong For Me to Grieve For.....

    A first love's death??? My mother informed me this week that my first love died 3 weks ago....I found out later that it was due to lung cancer at age 49.

    I had known him for 30 years and never forgot him,...never stopped praying for him....he always had a special place in my heart.I am somewhat relieved that he gave his life to Jesus a few years before he died, and he finally found a good lady to encourage his faith.

    I held it all in until the following day...and I bawled like a baby...in private....my dh doesn't understand...thinks it shouldn't bother me after so many years...but it does and I can't help it...he accuses me of "living in the past"....he isn't much help emotionally.

    I know that I will eventually get through the hurt, but I wish that dh would be more patient with me. It's only natural that I would remember conversations....different things that the ex & I would do together...the events that took place during the time that we were together...all of the memories flooding back to me...it just hurts so much...

    I try to keep busy with cleaning the house, doing crafts etc....anything to get me through this....

  2. #2
    Moderator mauimagic's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    Maui, Hawaii
    Posts
    19,114
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    57
    Rep Power
    113

    Default

    How hard for you. I think it's perfectly natural for you to feel the way you do, and probably for your DH to have his feelings. Our first loves usually do hold a special place in our hearts - they played such an important part of our growing up and learning about love and life.

    Grieve in a way that works best for you - I am so sorry for your loss.

  3. #3
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Location
    South Jersey!
    Age
    26
    Posts
    1,529
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    10

    Default

    I still think about my first love sometimes. He was my best friend for so long. If he passed away I would be very sad. I know DH would not understand but, if DH was crying because his first love passed I would feel a bit upset that he is crying over his first love. Its just one of those things. I am sorry. Hugs!

  4. #4
    Registered User Nana2two's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Location
    Heart of Illinois
    Age
    46
    Posts
    1,015
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    17

    Default

    Nothing wrong with that. Enjoy the memories you 2 had.

  5. #5
    Registered User Liane's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    336
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    21
    Rep Power
    6

    Default

    So sorry for your loss. People have their own ways of reacting to things. I think that it is perfectly fine to grieve your first love's death. Your husband may be a touch jealous. He loves you, it just may be hard for him to accept that you have love in your heart for another man. You can not deny your feelings and you shouldn't. Just don't share them with Dh, sounds like he doesn't want to hear it. Hope you can find peace. Love is funny, once you give it, it does not go away. Thinking of you and saying a prayer for your lost love. xo Liane

  6. #6
    Super Moderator Darlene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Upstate NY
    Posts
    27,948
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    65

    Default

    I think maybe you are sad not only for what was but what could have been & I think that is perfectly normal. This doesn't mean you don't love your husband or your life now, it's just a human thing.
    If it starts taking over your life though you may help to talk to someone to help you move on. Also an OK thing to do.
    Big hug & I hope you find comfort in those memories that are all yours forever.

  7. #7
    Moderator aka AmyBob AmyBoz's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Northern NJ
    Age
    42
    Posts
    11,725
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    43
    Rep Power
    42

    Default

    People come and go in our lives, but those we give our hearts to never really leave. It's perfectly normal to feel sad at the loss of someone to whom you were once so close. to you.

  8. #8
    Moderator nuisance26's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2006
    Location
    Colorado
    Posts
    8,527
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    51

    Default

    ~Not at all. I felt absolutely devastated last year when I learned my first serious childhood crush had died. It just felt like that my memories of those sweet times were being ripped from me or that they would disappear like they never happened because I was the only one who would remember now.
    I can see why your husband might feel a bit threatened since yours was an adult relationship but mourning someone in whose life you invested is a very natural thing to do. It doesn't mean you're pining away with a broken heart because you were still "in love" with him. Make sure you tell him that and hopefully he'll understand.
    Go ahead and spend some time grieving. Write out some of your memories in a journal or a letter to his loved ones.
    And I'm very sorry for your loss.~

  9. #9
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Nov 2009
    Posts
    9,493
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    25
    Rep Power
    69

    Default

    No, as a matter of fact I just checked on my first love because he got HepC from his wife years ago. Their frist child was born needing a complete transfusion. He has a FB site. I didn't contact him. He is in a happy marriage and I wouldn't jepordize either of our marriages. It was good to see he has a good life. I always smile when I think of him.

    Memories are ours to keep. DH doesn't need to understand. When we are young life is full of endless possibilities and your first love will always have a special place in your heart.

  10. #10
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Posts
    4,525
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    0

    Default

    I remember when my first boyfriend passed away. He was in his early twenties. He also passed away from cancer. Years later when I was going through a really difficult time I would have dreams of him helping me get throught he difficult time.

    He was your first boyfriend. He also was your friend. I would think it was normal to grieve for someone you love and cared for.

  11. #11
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Posts
    633
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    13

    Default

    My first love passed away last year. I hadn't seen or heard from him in about 22 years but I was still very sad to know that he was gone. I didn't cry or anything because it was so long ago but I do think about him from time to time. His sister recently friended me on Facebook and that brings up alot of the memories for me.

    HUGS! Take your time getting through it and maybe just try to grieve in private so it doesn't bother your dh too much. I agree that he sounds jealous and that is natural too.

  12. #12
    Registered User cab54's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2007
    Location
    NW Ohio
    Age
    60
    Posts
    4,299
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    25

    Default

    I think I might not have mentioned it to my dh. He may be seeing it as "she is grieving her soul mate and it is not ME". I think he's hurt.

    I know my dh would not be very patient if I were grieving someone I dated before him, but that's just US. I know everyone is different.

    Boy, 49 is YOUNG to die. I'm sorry for your sadness.
    ______
    Cheryl

    "I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance, but by our disposition." -------Martha Washington

  13. #13
    Registered User Debbie-cat's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2008
    Location
    British Columbia
    Age
    49
    Posts
    26,301
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    166
    Rep Power
    152

    Default

    It is perfectly normal to grieve. Not only was he your friend but your boyfriend. I known if my first love passed, I would be devastated. People come and go in our lives but they always remain in our hearts. Remeber the good times and know he now watches you from above. ((hugs))
    Nov No Spend Days - 1 /20
    2014 No Eat Out Days - 261 /365
    2014 Nov Gas Challenge - 0 / $120
    Nov Keep Fit - 170 min / 900 min


    Don't tell God how big your storm is...tell the storm how big your God is.

  14. #14
    Registered User mek42's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2010
    Location
    Central NY
    Age
    40
    Posts
    867
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    8

    Default

    I don't really know you and I certainly don't know your husband, but let me offer a possible male perspective.

    First, for most straight American white men (I'm not willing to generalize too far beyond my own experience), no matter what our rational thoughts on the matter are, the gut reaction to overt displays of emotion is that they are a sign of weakness. Going along with this, the intensity of the emotional display is in some way positively proportional to the amount of character weakness said display exposes.

    We may "know" or "think" that this is an incorrect response, but this response is usually our first reaction. When observed from other men, the associated reaction is often pity / loss of respect; from women, a protective response is often evoked.

    If your mourning was for your first childhood best girlfriend, a typical male thought might be something like, "wife upset, offer support say what? she is this upset over someone she hasn't known for decades??? ". You, said wife, might sense some level of non-genuineness in the support being offered and there may or may not be overt questioning about why the emotional response is so big. The point being, for most men, a past relationship ceases to be emotionally real with the passage of time.

    Now, a man knows, from his own experiences, that prior relationships cease to be emotionally real with the passage of time, therefore your previous boyfriends are immaterial to the relationship you have now.

    Your current grief response is evidence to him that said past relationship was not no longer emotionally real (intended double negative to indicate a positive, i.e. "still emotionally real"). For him to support your grief, he must also support the emotional realness of the other boyfriend. So, your husband, whether consciously aware of it or not, is in a position of cognitive dissonance where he will either fail to support his distressed wife or will support marital infidelity (I'm not saying that your reaction is an unfaithfulness, just that in a male mind a current grief response is not consistent with an ended relationship).

    After some time is passed you might wish to discuss things with your husband so he understands that there was no other real relationship or even pining despite the emotional response. Be prepared to accept him understanding the grief as some "irrational woman thing" - the goal is not for him to understand your grief, but for both of you to be clear that this prior relationship was long over and not a threat to your current marital relationship. You may want this conversation to be in context of short-term pastoral or marital counseling. On the other hand, such a context may be counterproductive by inducing him to think the old relationship is a threat.

    Back to just you, we all have different responses to different emotional stimuli, especially when death is involved. Some of us will have a more emotionally disruptive response to the death of a close friend than to a parent, though the socially accepted response be the other way 'round. Do what you need to do now and don't feel bad for feeling bad. Just make sure you and your husband both know and agree there is no impact on your marriage when you have your grief more sorted out.

  15. #15
    jas
    jas is offline
    Registered User jas's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Florida Space Coast
    Posts
    1,933
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    1
    Rep Power
    20

    Default

    I found out my first love died when I was at a woman conferance at church. I knew he had gotten hepititis somewhere along the line. Had not heard about him in 20 years or so. His step sister was at the event and told me. It took me back a bit. I cried a bit right then, mostly from shock I guess. He lived a hard life by choice I guess and he could have lasted longer I suppose if he had taken better care of himself.

    I don't think my dh though much about it, any feelings I had going on I don't think I told him. He would wonder too why I was still stuck on it.

    He was your first love and you are entitled to grieve that loss.

    Hugs to you!
    Jean

Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast

Similar Threads

  1. What is wrong with
    By fernykins in forum Health and beauty
    Replies: 26
    Last Post: 05-09-2010, 03:23 AM
  2. Is it wrong of me to ....
    By FrugalMomof3 in forum Stay at home moms
    Replies: 55
    Last Post: 04-23-2007, 08:59 AM
  3. What is wrong with her????
    By fernykins in forum Support
    Replies: 11
    Last Post: 03-10-2005, 11:55 AM
  4. What is wrong with her????
    By fernykins in forum General Chat
    Replies: 1
    Last Post: 02-13-2005, 11:19 PM
  5. What is wrong with my.....
    By matt&roxy in forum General Chat
    Replies: 0
    Last Post: 12-30-2004, 06:53 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •