Ugh, marriage.

**Greebo** · 11-25-2010, 04:42 AM

Originally Posted by mslolsalot

I do this exercise with some of my clients. It helps because it shows you that you have the skills to survive negative events. When you see the outcome of a worry isn't necessarily as catastrophic as you're thinking, it removes some of the anxiety about that though/possible event. Eventually, if you follow this exercise through, you will see that no matter what, the sun will rise again- and that you have the power to be happy.

Is it possible that Ashley finds this thought exercise to be the opposite of helpful because Ashley doesn't have faith in her own ability to survive the worst?

**AnW819** · 11-25-2010, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Is it possible that Ashley finds this thought exercise to be the opposite of helpful because Ashley doesn't have faith in her own ability to survive the worst?

Yes.

**Greebo** · 11-25-2010, 12:43 PM

So Ash...

Would you rather live and be miserable?

Or risk being happy and die trying?

**AnW819** · 11-25-2010, 11:37 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

So Ash...

Would you rather live and be miserable?

Or risk being happy and die trying?

Yep- thats what all people with anxiety have to realise, and while I know that, its not that easy, but im working on it

**Nana2two** · 11-26-2010, 12:46 AM

I have anxiety my self and take Ativan and Buspar. I found no meds or breathing techniques help all the time. I was in therapy for 1 year. I had to learn to take all negative people out of my life. Stop looking at things and people to make me happy. Work on finding ME. That's has been the best for me. But you can't be wishy washy with it. Have you been checked for Bi-Polar? Since your moods change within a drop of a hat?

**AnW819** · 11-26-2010, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by Nana2two

I have anxiety my self and take Ativan and Buspar. I found no meds or breathing techniques help all the time. I was in therapy for 1 year. I had to learn to take all negative people out of my life. Stop looking at things and people to make me happy. Work on finding ME. That's has been the best for me. But you can't be wishy washy with it. Have you been checked for Bi-Polar? Since your moods change within a drop of a hat?

No I have not, but is that genetic because my mom does have that.

**mndtrp** · 11-28-2010, 07:31 PM

Originally Posted by AnW819

We had an excellent talk last night, and instead of going on a lecture about things he is doing to hurt me, I let him know things I now see about myself that I need to fix, and I appologized to him for never seeing them. And this was a talk AFTER DH wanted to cuddle with me and such, and it made me so happy I started crying, and he was like omg, what, are you hurt, whats wrong?? And that is what started this much needed talk.

It twas a good night, and while it was 1 good night, that doesnt mean every night is going to be a good night. Still gotta work on it.

Doesn't this sort of thing happen often in your relationship? I seem to recall you having troubles, posting things are going well, then slipping into troubles again rather quickly. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.

Anyway, maybe apply one of the things that AA teaches "One day at a time." Work on a small portion of the bigger picture, then fill it all in as you go.

**AnW819** · 11-29-2010, 01:10 AM

Originally Posted by mndtrp

Doesn't this sort of thing happen often in your relationship? I seem to recall you having troubles, posting things are going well, then slipping into troubles again rather quickly. Maybe I'm thinking of someone else.

Anyway, maybe apply one of the things that AA teaches "One day at a time." Work on a small portion of the bigger picture, then fill it all in as you go.

Yes it does. But, does that mean, I should not enjoy that things are going okay right now, and think they are going to go sour again. No. I should enjoy it, but remember we still have to keep working on it.

**Ceashels** · 11-29-2010, 07:45 AM

Since you recognize the pattern, what keeps the pattern going? Do things get better and you coast?

How are you working on it to prevent it from going sour? I think this might be important to help even out the high and lows.

**daylily** · 11-29-2010, 08:05 AM

I guess I'm going to weigh in on this discussion. I hope I don't upset anyone. I just want to help!

Some time ago, I took a Depression Recovery Seminar. One of our textbooks was "Telling Yourself The Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chapman. There is a section called "More Misbeliefs Guaranteed to Make You Miserable".

One of the misbeliefs is "It is terrible to have hurt feelings" and the attitudes that accompany it include:
...therefore I must avoid situations and people who might hurt me

...people who have hurt me are bad.

...I'm less of a person when my feelings are hurt.

...I must do everything to avoid hurting other people's feelings.

...I MUST make people treat me kindly and not hurt my feelings.

...I CAN'T have my feelings hurt because that's terrible.

Relationships can be full of "oughts", "shoulds" and "musts". Husbands and wives may have a personal "Law of Obligations" and if the spouse doesn't fulfill those personal obligations, the other spouse is hurt and offended and thinks his/her spouse is a terrible person.

If we put another person under our Law, that means that if that person does not meet our expectations, they are WRONG (whether that is reality or not) and is the quickest way to make ourselves miserable. When we come up with a list of obligations for another person, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. We feel hurt, rejected, unloved, unfulfilled and depressed.

to be continued....

**Greebo** · 11-29-2010, 08:21 AM

After you recognize that you're involved in a cycle of recurring behavior, every future cycle of that behavior becomes your fault.

And nobody elses.

**daylily** · 11-29-2010, 08:49 AM

The book "SOS Help For Emotions" by Lynn Clark, PH.D lists 11 common irrational beliefs that cause emotional distress. He also talks about Major Musts, Shoulds, Should Nots, etc. The Three Major Musts are:
I MUST....
You/he/she MUST
The world and the conditions I live under MUST...

These are harmful beliefs and self talk statements that make absolute demands on ourselves or others and the world. These lead to the irrational beliefs. I will list some of them here:

1. It is a dire necessity for me to be loved or approved by almost all others who are significant to me. If I'm not, it's awful and I can't stand it.

2. I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all important respects, in order to be worthwhile. If I'm not, it's awful and I can't stand it.

3. The world must be fair. People must act fairly and considerately and if they don't, they are bad, wicked, stupid and should be severely blamed and punished. If it is not, it's awful and I can't stand it.

4. There isn't much I can do about my anxiety, hurt feelings, depression, etc because my feelings are caused by what happens to me. The truth is..what I believe about myself and events and situations is what mainly causes my feelings.

5. If something is dangerous or dreadful, I should be constantly and excessively upset about it and should dwell on the possibility of its happening. This results in mental exhaustion.

Unfulfilled preferences, wishes and desires CAN NOT make us miserable. Absolute demands, musts and shoulds can make us miserable. To straighten out emotions, we must first straighten out our beliefs and self-talk.

Be careful what you tell yourself ABOUT your anxiety, anger, hurt feelings or depression. I saw a great bumper sticker that I never forgot. "Don't believe everything you think!"

When you are upset, look for the MUST, the SHOULD!

There is no way I can list all the stuff in this book or the solutions that he offers. I suggest that you order it from Amazon. It's well worth it. Both the books I mentioned have helped my family a LOT.

Best of luck to you!
Daylily

**AnW819** · 11-29-2010, 10:19 AM

Originally Posted by Ceashels

Since you recognize the pattern, what keeps the pattern going? Do things get better and you coast?

How are you working on it to prevent it from going sour? I think this might be important to help even out the high and lows.

What keeps happening is things are good for a day or two, and I think aha, DH got it. Things are good now. Obviously, not the case. The thing I am doing this time to make it stay from going sour, is instead to think aha, DH gets it, I am the one who needs to get it to. Its not just DH and this time I know, its not going to take 1-2 days to fix a marriage.

Originally Posted by daylily

The book "SOS Help For Emotions" by Lynn Clark, PH.D lists 11 common irrational beliefs that cause emotional distress. He also talks about Major Musts, Shoulds, Should Nots, etc. The Three Major Musts are:
I MUST....
You/he/she MUST
The world and the conditions I live under MUST...

These are harmful beliefs and self talk statements that make absolute demands on ourselves or others and the world. These lead to the irrational beliefs. I will list some of them here:

1. It is a dire necessity for me to be loved or approved by almost all others who are significant to me. If I'm not, it's awful and I can't stand it.

2. I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and achieving in all important respects, in order to be worthwhile. If I'm not, it's awful and I can't stand it.

3. The world must be fair. People must act fairly and considerately and if they don't, they are bad, wicked, stupid and should be severely blamed and punished. If it is not, it's awful and I can't stand it.

4. There isn't much I can do about my anxiety, hurt feelings, depression, etc because my feelings are caused by what happens to me. The truth is..what I believe about myself and events and situations is what mainly causes my feelings.

5. If something is dangerous or dreadful, I should be constantly and excessively upset about it and should dwell on the possibility of its happening. This results in mental exhaustion.

Unfulfilled preferences, wishes and desires CAN NOT make us miserable. Absolute demands, musts and shoulds can make us miserable. To straighten out emotions, we must first straighten out our beliefs and self-talk.

Be careful what you tell yourself ABOUT your anxiety, anger, hurt feelings or depression. I saw a great bumper sticker that I never forgot. "Don't believe everything you think!"

When you are upset, look for the MUST, the SHOULD!

There is no way I can list all the stuff in this book or the solutions that he offers. I suggest that you order it from Amazon. It's well worth it. Both the books I mentioned have helped my family a LOT.

Best of luck to you!
Daylily

Thanks so much for this!!! I will check it out on amazon!!

**jas** · 11-29-2010, 01:11 PM

Hey Ashley did you ever get a chance to look at that site on Panic Attacks?

Panic-And-Anxiety-Attacks.com

**AnW819** · 11-29-2010, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by jas

Hey Ashley did you ever get a chance to look at that site on Panic Attacks?

Panic-And-Anxiety-Attacks.com

Yes I did!!! Only for a bit when I was in PA because we were running around like nuts, but if I get internet at home tonight, I am going to throughly look through it!