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  1. #46
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnW819 View Post
    Well, alrighty then. I am trying to be as grown up as possible here. As much as I can be. I do have a job; I am a nanny. Its 34 hours a week. And I like it. I can't get pregnant. I have 2 cats. And, I am not going to ignore anyone. That to me, is not being a 'grown up'.
    Here's my concern, Ashley.

    You have a pattern. You get really upset about something - money, relationship, job... You come here seeking advice. You seem receptive. You say the right things - make the right noises - etc.

    And a week or a month later you come back and you're elated over whatever you did, and it sounds/looks good.

    And then something changes. Sometimes its your fault, you do or say or change something. Sometimes it isn't - DH or the Bank or the Job does something.

    And then we don't know what happens.

    And then you come back, really upset about something - money, relationship, job... And you come here seeking advice...

    It'd be different if you came here seeking *encouragement* because you had been consistently doing new things and progress was slow. Unfortunately, and hey maybe I'm missing it - but from where I sit I'm not seeing that so much as the pattern I just described.

    Has any of the advice you've gotten here in the past REALLY changed? No.

    Have YOU REALLY changed?

    Not yet...not from what I'm seeing.

    I don't think you need more threads seeking advice. I think if you review your old threads, you'll find all the advice you need.

    I don't think you need more accountability - you get plenty of that here and you DO (TO YOUR CREDIT) fess up about your behaviors.

    I think you need to show yourself a little more respect.
    I think you need to hold yourself a little more accountable.
    I think you need to learn how to break the pattern.

    Until where you are really changes, what we can do for you has been done.

    Rubber. Meet road.
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
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  2. #47
    Registered User AnW819's Avatar
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    Yeah...I don't know what to say =/ your right.

  3. #48
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    I'll try to help however I can:

    Your marriage to Wayne is irreparably broken. It has been for a long time. You're proven to us that it's making you downright miserable. You've proven to yourself that you're downright miserable. You're reaching out to other people that you normally wouldn't reach out to if you were happy. This is a big signal. Emotionally, you both have been divorced for a long time. I think a lot of what you two have been going through is just the affirmation of how you've felt. I think if you both were that interested in keeping the marriage in tact and functional, he'd change and you wouldn't be talking to these people.

    As a woman who has gone through an emotionless first marriage and a rough second marriage, I know how these things go.

    I think at this point, you need to decide what you want. Wayne has already decided what he wants and that isn't the same thing that you want. For a marriage to work, both parties want to want the same thing. It's not a matter of needing them to work anymore. I know that you don't believe in divorce, but you're already divorced Wayne. You just don't have the paper to prove it.

    What you need to do is you need to stand your ground and start working on getting on your feet. This means that quite possibly, you need to start looking for a more stable job. Yes, the nanny work is stable but what happens when the kids get to where they don't need a nanny anymore? A lot of employers these days are going to want to start seeing applicants who also have work experience and a higher education under their belts. The economy's tough and they need their best workers. That generally means people who have been to school. I know that in the US, there are lots of loans and grants and such and you can always go part-time.

    Being an adult means that you need to be able to stand your ground no matter what. That includes building a foundation for the future that isn't man-dependent.

    I just think you need to explore your options without Wayne in the picture anymore.

  4. #49
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    My vote is just leave him already, same as it was last time you brought up issues with your husband. Of course he wants you to stay, no one is going to baby him if you leave him. And you should probably set a limit right now on your relationships with these men, because you DO NOT need to start another relationship until you fix your issues.

    Like someone else pointed out, you need to stop relying on other people to support you. Move out, get government assistance if you need it, make yourself familiar with the food bank... You MUST get out of these toxic homes if you're going to be a reasonably balanced, happy individual. I really think that just getting out on your own will improve your self image tenfold. Millions of women around the world do it every day, you can do it too.

    Forget all that crap about how the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Sometimes it actually is.
    ~Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.~

    ~The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.~

  5. #50
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnW819 View Post
    Yeah...I don't know what to say =/ your right.
    I want you to understand - I'm not condemning you. I know change is hard.

    But by now you should also understand that what you say at this point doesn't really matter.

    It's action time.
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
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  6. #51
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    Can I add a butttt here? I do agree with what your saying Greebs, but to me, this is something really hard for me to just change, even though I know it needs to be done. I mean, my religion is REALLY holding me back here. While though who are not christian are going to disagree with this, bottom line is, its what I agree with. I agree that the Lord will work in our lives. I believe everything is happening for a reason, and while I don't understand it and it sucks, I am WANTING to try to stick it out.

    This is not just a job problem, or a friendship problem, this is a marriage. A life long, marriage. Til death do us part, and we are both ruining it.

    It is not that I don't take all your advice and fix things, its something even though its black and white what you all should say I should do, I still, sometimes, can't figure out quite how to do it.

    And I have changed, a lot, over the past two years. Two years ago, I was in bed for two months, feeling sorry for myself, suicidal, and in a mental hospital. Would NOT get a job. Would not have any friends. I did not know how to do anything for myself. So from then, to now, I have grown a lot.

    Life keeps slapping me in my face. That job @ G I lost with my cake decorating job. I mean wow, I thought it was the most amazing thing ever to happen to me. Finally an opportunity to get the skill I have on the road. Store closes. Ouch. That really, really depressed me. Now I am a nanny, which I love, but it just fills the void of not being able to have my own kids, which while now I would never want to have kids with everything thats going on, it does not mean, I struggle with the pain of not having kids.

    I seem to always do one good thing, and then I go 2 steps behind. And I am sure this is my fault, but I can't quite see where I am messing up here.

    I am having a difficult time breaking that pattern.

  7. #52
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    Can I add a butttt here? I do agree with what your saying Greebs, but to me, this is something really hard for me to just change, even though I know it needs to be done. I mean, my religion is REALLY holding me back here. While though who are not christian are going to disagree with this, bottom line is, its what I agree with. I agree that the Lord will work in our lives. I believe everything is happening for a reason, and while I don't understand it and it sucks, I am WANTING to try to stick it out.
    Not everyone who IS Christian will agree with you on this point for that matter.

    As you know, I'm not religious.

    But let me ask you this - since religion is your chosen point of disagreement.

    What does your spiritual guide/expert with whom you share these marital issues say on the matter?
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
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    WARNING: Y Chromosome behind the keyboard. Adjust your listening filters appropriately!

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  8. #53
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    Quote Originally Posted by MomToTwoBoys View Post
    I'll try to help however I can:

    Your marriage to Wayne is irreparably broken. It has been for a long time. You're proven to us that it's making you downright miserable. You've proven to yourself that you're downright miserable. You're reaching out to other people that you normally wouldn't reach out to if you were happy. This is a big signal. Emotionally, you both have been divorced for a long time. I think a lot of what you two have been going through is just the affirmation of how you've felt. I think if you both were that interested in keeping the marriage in tact and functional, he'd change and you wouldn't be talking to these people.

    As a woman who has gone through an emotionless first marriage and a rough second marriage, I know how these things go.

    I think at this point, you need to decide what you want. Wayne has already decided what he wants and that isn't the same thing that you want. For a marriage to work, both parties want to want the same thing. It's not a matter of needing them to work anymore. I know that you don't believe in divorce, but you're already divorced Wayne. You just don't have the paper to prove it.

    What you need to do is you need to stand your ground and start working on getting on your feet. This means that quite possibly, you need to start looking for a more stable job. Yes, the nanny work is stable but what happens when the kids get to where they don't need a nanny anymore? A lot of employers these days are going to want to start seeing applicants who also have work experience and a higher education under their belts. The economy's tough and they need their best workers. That generally means people who have been to school. I know that in the US, there are lots of loans and grants and such and you can always go part-time.

    Being an adult means that you need to be able to stand your ground no matter what. That includes building a foundation for the future that isn't man-dependent.

    I just think you need to explore your options without Wayne in the picture anymore.
    So are you already techincally divorced, if I still do love him?? My job is really stable. I have a baby, a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old, and she has told me she needs me for years if I can do it. Obviously, that is not going to be the case because I will have to find another job, but what I am making, is more money than macdonalds, or a $10 an hour job, and I work 4 days a week.

    Holiday season time is coming up, and I am apply at the mall like crazy for temp jobs, to do with my babysitting, but the car thing is really getting in the way. The first thing I need to do to become independant is get my license, but that will take 6 months.

    I have to overcome the fear I have with driving, and try to rid of the panic attacks when I try. I have tryed many, many, many times.

    I am not doing it because I don't want to. I mean, wow, I could not even imagine how awesome it would be to be blasting sabbath in my own car, being able to go grocery shopping on my own when I need to. That sounds like such an awesome thing. But the fact of the matter is as soon as I hit that gas pedal I feel like I am going to have a heart attack.

    And I really want to go to school, but I just do not know how to get loans, or grants, or how to manage a job, and school without a car. I know that may sound silly, but to me, it seems like I would never be able to figure it out.

    And after re-reading that, wow, I sound pretty dumb, but for some reason I can't just wrap my head around it.

  9. #54
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    Quote Originally Posted by Greebo View Post
    Not everyone who IS Christian will agree with you on this point for that matter.

    As you know, I'm not religious.

    But let me ask you this - since religion is your chosen point of disagreement.

    What does your spiritual guide/expert with whom you share these marital issues say on the matter?
    You mean a pastor? I can't get to church, because DH will not take me. I have no one to talk with about this, from a religious side. But my dad, and the bible, and friends say I need to keep praying about it, and better myself as a wife.

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    Registered User cab54's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Palooka View Post
    I guess at this point I ain't gonna sugar coat it after all these post.
    I'd be seeking a lawyer, not some emotional roller coaster trip from a counselor, when it's clear that neither wants it.
    There ya go. Me too!
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    Cheryl

    "I am still determined to be cheerful and happy in whatever situation I find myself. For I have learned that the greater part of our misery or unhappiness is determined not by our circumstance, but by our disposition." -------Martha Washington

  11. #56
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnW819 View Post
    You mean a pastor? I can't get to church, because DH will not take me. I have no one to talk with about this, from a religious side. But my dad, and the bible, and friends say I need to keep praying about it, and better myself as a wife.
    Well how about you go better yourself as a person by going out on your own and then invite your dad and your friends to stay home and coddle your husband. Everybody wins.
    ~Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.~

    ~The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.~

  12. #57
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    Quote Originally Posted by AnW819 View Post
    So are you already techincally divorced, if I still do love him?? My job is really stable. I have a baby, a 3 yr old and a 4 yr old, and she has told me she needs me for years if I can do it. Obviously, that is not going to be the case because I will have to find another job, but what I am making, is more money than macdonalds, or a $10 an hour job, and I work 4 days a week.

    Holiday season time is coming up, and I am apply at the mall like crazy for temp jobs, to do with my babysitting, but the car thing is really getting in the way. The first thing I need to do to become independant is get my license, but that will take 6 months.

    I have to overcome the fear I have with driving, and try to rid of the panic attacks when I try. I have tryed many, many, many times.

    I am not doing it because I don't want to. I mean, wow, I could not even imagine how awesome it would be to be blasting sabbath in my own car, being able to go grocery shopping on my own when I need to. That sounds like such an awesome thing. But the fact of the matter is as soon as I hit that gas pedal I feel like I am going to have a heart attack.

    And I really want to go to school, but I just do not know how to get loans, or grants, or how to manage a job, and school without a car. I know that may sound silly, but to me, it seems like I would never be able to figure it out.

    And after re-reading that, wow, I sound pretty dumb, but for some reason I can't just wrap my head around it.
    I think that you can love someone, but being in love with them and having a marriage that works for the both of you is something that keeps people around. If you love someone but there isn't much past that, it's like having a best friend around all of the time. I mean you said it yourself... you two are like roommates. There's no emotional affection and no physical affection. It's something that really needs to be existent for you to be truly happy.

    If you feel you have job stability, then is it enough for you to get on your feet and be more independent? If you're having panic attacks, I'd suggest seeking out both a therapist and a doctor. Perhaps they can help you get over that.

    Unless you live in an area of New Jersey where there's no public transportation and everything is in the boonies, it's possible to get to where you need to go without a car. I'll give you an awesome example:

    My mom never got her license until she was 47. Three kids and sometimes two or three jobs a week and she was still making it to work, parent teacher conferences, school concerts, etc. She biked and took the bus and walked everywheres that she needed to go. Now that she has a car, she doesn't go much of anywheres.

    Adding on to that example, I haven't had my license in about 8 years. I get around to most places either by walking or taking the bus/train. If I need to get somewheres where there isn't a bus, that's when I need a car. But that happens maybe once or twice a year now.

    My first marriage sucked. It was like having friends with benefits, but the benefits weren't all that great. I cheated and he cheated and it was a mess. We were both fully employed with health care and job stability. It just didn't work because both of us had wandering eyes. My current marriage has been full of ups and downs, but now we're trying to work things out. I am going back to school in the fall of 2011 so that in case something big happens, I'm not stuck without a job or job experience under my belt.

    I just hate seeing you miserable. Wayne makes you miserable. When he insults you after he almost gets into a car accident, that's a big sign. He's emotionally and physically neglectful. That's not a good husband at all. That's detrimental and abusive. I know that you're religious and all, but I'm sure that God would even tell you that there's a line which should never be crossed.

    I'm almost certain you can find a scripture in that book that tells you that you must love your wife/husband unconditionally and expect the same thing in return. I'm not religious and I don't read it, so I don't know.

    Unless God is willing to bless you with a car and a degree and a house, this is something you're going to have to do on your own.

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    Ashley, you keep bringing religion into this, so I'll be the one to ask it: Would your God approve of you reconnecting with the ex-es knowing that you are attracted to them and are using them to try and fill in a void with your DH?

    I'm gonna say the rest of this the best way I know how. Please don't think I'm being rude or callous. To me, it is what it is, and if you need tough love, then you are gonna get it.

    First and foremost: Stop with the FB postings. You may not name names but everybody and their dog can read between the lines and see that you are referring to your husband. Unhappy as you may be, that is not the mature way to go about your business. Sleazy guys who think nothing of sleeping with married women can and will use that type of info to their advantage. And if you guys have mutual friends, I can almost guarantee you that crap is gonna get back to him.

    Secondly, you have to take a good hard look at what you want and need. If you are going to put the religious beliefs regarding marriage above your happiness, then you may just have to learn to deal with your husband as he is. He has proven to you over and over again, that this is the man he is and it does not sound as if he will change. Is keeping the marriage worth sacrificing what you need? If you know you can't live the rest of your life like this, then you need to examine the religious beliefs that you have.

    And lastly, life is hard and it slaps everyone in the face. It may not be your fault that an event happens, but how you react and handle it is.

    I truly wish you the best Ashley.
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    Quote Originally Posted by MomToTwoBoys View Post
    I think that you can love someone, but being in love with them and having a marriage that works for the both of you is something that keeps people around. If you love someone but there isn't much past that, it's like having a best friend around all of the time. I mean you said it yourself... you two are like roommates. There's no emotional affection and no physical affection. It's something that really needs to be existent for you to be truly happy.

    If you feel you have job stability, then is it enough for you to get on your feet and be more independent? If you're having panic attacks, I'd suggest seeking out both a therapist and a doctor. Perhaps they can help you get over that.

    Unless you live in an area of New Jersey where there's no public transportation and everything is in the boonies, it's possible to get to where you need to go without a car. I'll give you an awesome example:

    My mom never got her license until she was 47. Three kids and sometimes two or three jobs a week and she was still making it to work, parent teacher conferences, school concerts, etc. She biked and took the bus and walked everywheres that she needed to go. Now that she has a car, she doesn't go much of anywheres.

    Adding on to that example, I haven't had my license in about 8 years. I get around to most places either by walking or taking the bus/train. If I need to get somewheres where there isn't a bus, that's when I need a car. But that happens maybe once or twice a year now.

    My first marriage sucked. It was like having friends with benefits, but the benefits weren't all that great. I cheated and he cheated and it was a mess. We were both fully employed with health care and job stability. It just didn't work because both of us had wandering eyes. My current marriage has been full of ups and downs, but now we're trying to work things out. I am going back to school in the fall of 2011 so that in case something big happens, I'm not stuck without a job or job experience under my belt.

    I just hate seeing you miserable. Wayne makes you miserable. When he insults you after he almost gets into a car accident, that's a big sign. He's emotionally and physically neglectful. That's not a good husband at all. That's detrimental and abusive. I know that you're religious and all, but I'm sure that God would even tell you that there's a line which should never be crossed.

    I'm almost certain you can find a scripture in that book that tells you that you must love your wife/husband unconditionally and expect the same thing in return. I'm not religious and I don't read it, so I don't know.

    Unless God is willing to bless you with a car and a degree and a house, this is something you're going to have to do on your own.
    Have I told you lately, that you rock? This whole post was really just awesome. You are totally right, there is a differance with loving someone and being in love. I just love Wayne because of the person that he use to be. Its almost like he is my brother; or like I said before, a roommate.

    And I bring home $300 a week, with working 4 days a week, with Wednesdays and the weekends off. I am having a hard time finding a weekend job, but now with the holiday seasons, I may be able to, which would be great. But honestly, no, I don't think $300 is enough to get my feet on the ground IF I have to pay rent and such. Like at G I was making $10 an hour, 40 hours a week. After taxes I was bringing home $320- $20 MORE than what I bring home now, and I was working an extra day.

    And I do live in a highly populated area, where there are bus routes. I have never taken a bus, its also a high anxiety thing for me. Fears of what people could do to me on the bus, but I really think the bus could and would be a great thing for me.

    I forgot about the car accident thing. Wow, that really just upset me. He is really emotionally abusive to me. I am happy you said that.

    Hugs.

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    Ashley....
    You are incredibly young (or I'm incredibly old.... or both), and the role model in your family for those few short years of life has been divorce. You don't have to go that route. You CAN break the model.

    This is not just about you. I admit, when we are in pain, we tend to just focus on self. You mention that you have a commitment to paying your bills. You need that same commitment to healing your marriage. After all, you took a vow. Do those words just get tossed out on the garbage pile because it's tough?

    Anyone who has been married for some time knows that it takes lots of WORK and sacrifice to make a marriage successful. Marriage is NOT 50/50. Sometimes you have to do most of the giving; other times you are doing the taking.

    We've been hearing about how you feel and how you want change. Spend some time really observing how your husband feels and acts. Examine yourself. How is he seeing you? Is there anything you should and could change?

    Let me give you an example. I know a woman who was a cute young thing when she married. Then she began letting herself go. It wasn't deliberate; she got busy, didn't take time. I'm not talking about putting on some weight. She just began not washing; body odor was incredible. Greasy hair. Began to have a foul mouth. I don't know if mental problems were involved here (I rather suspect it), but her husband had a lot of trouble working up any desire for her. He didn't want to tell her that she needed to shower, to wash her hair, to brush her teeth, to change her clothes, to use anti-perspirant. He was afraid that if he mentioned this, that she would be hurt.

    Now, admitedly this is a very drastic example (and it happened to end in divorce). But the husband here saw a problem in his wife and because he didn't want to hurt her, he just withdrew. We had talked to him, and urged him to talk to her, and told him that it would be better to risk the hurt now than to lose everything. He lost everything because he just would not communicate.

    Not suggesting that you are like this woman in my example; don't take me wrong. But is it possible that your husband doesn't want to hurt you by saying something about his concerns? That for him it's easier to just withdraw than confront? That's why you need to self examine.

    I also urge you to watch Fireproof. You'll see the fictional example there of people withdrawing from each other and not communicating. And you'll see how they worked through this.

    So here's my prescription:
    1. Don't give up.
    2. Stay away from any relationships on the internet or in real life that would sabotage your marriage.
    3. Watch Fireproof.
    4. Examine yourself as to any reasons why your husband may be withdrawing (he's not going to tell you; so you have to be honest with yourself).
    5. Pray and be patient.
    6. Honor your vows, even if it means sacrifice.
    7. Work on being more independent and not so clingy and dependent. You can do this and still be within a marriage covenant.

    Ashley, my advice is not going to be popular. And it means hard work. Now it's in your court. What will you do?
    Spiritual:
    "You are fearfully and wonderfully made." Please... respect life.

    Financial:
    Debt free, hoping to stay that way!


    MY BLOG: glorybug.wordpress.com


    1. Keep on writing.
    2. Get some balance in my life.
    3. Lose weight. Hopefully 20# this year.
    4. Continue to be looking for how God wants to use me this year.


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