Ugh, marriage.

[AnW819]

Facebook posts?? I never post anything about Wayne...The songs I am posting? Is that what you are refering to? They are just songs that I love. My favorite bands??

[cab54]

He won't take you to church.

He won't give you a hug. Or ANY affection.

He won't talk to you or listen when you're hurting.

He won't work and be a contributing member of your family.

He has a roof over his head via YOUR Dad.

He gets a LOT from his marriage to you, and you get almost nothing.

He does not care about your Christianity, yet you feel obligated to stay with him because of your Christian beliefs?

I soooo agree with Nishu and MomtoTwoBoys----your marriage is over. You are only 22. You could have such a GOOD life (although I agree with the others who say ----be on YOUR OWN for awhile and get your head right first). Why are you with him? Leave already!

[AnW819]

And no, God would not approve of me talking to my ex's. Not at all. And I know that is something I need to stop, and I have stopped.

[Greebo]

You mean a pastor? I can't get to church, because DH will not take me. I have no one to talk with about this, from a religious side. But my dad, and the bible, and friends say I need to keep praying about it, and better myself as a wife.

Did you know that Churches often have programs to provide transportation to the members of the flock who can't otherwise get to Church?

As for taking religious and relationship advice from Dad and friends...

Never take advice on a subject from people who aren't in life where you want to be on that subject.

Poor people give crappy money advice.
Fat people (like me) give crappy diet advice.
And from the sounds of it, your DAD is one of the last people on the PLANET to go to for relationship advice...

[Libby]

Ashley - I wouldn't kick working at McDondald's or any 'joe jobs' as I call them (big box stores, retail, fast food etc)....it may pay a bit less but wouldn't it be full time w/health care benefits? Does your nanny offer sick day pay and a good benefits package? Sometimes you have to sacrifice money for quality of life. Only you can decide which is worth more. Remember, money can't make you happy.

I'm also going to ask you this - does W KNOW you're talking with these other men? (or have been talking with them since you've said you've stopped?) Maybe he needs a swift kick in the butt about the reality going on here. (sorry - theres no nice way to ask that)

I know this will sound harsh here but it does kind of sound like you're asking for advice and saying "you can't". I know its hard to sort everything out but have you really tried these suggestions and physically proven to yourself that you "can't"? You may have reacted a certain way before but now that you're in dire straights....you may be able to get over whatever hurdle you thought you had and be on the road to your own happiness.

Keep trying to overcome your fears...do not let them win!

BTW: Can you call the church you used to attend and seek counseling via telephone? I'm sure the pastor understands your situation. You are not the first.

[AnW819]

Did you know that Churches often have programs to provide transportation to the members of the flock who can't otherwise get to Church?

As for taking religious and relationship advice from Dad and friends...

Never take advice on a subject from people who aren't in life where you want to be on that subject.

Poor people give crappy money advice.
Fat people (like me) give crappy diet advice.
And from the sounds of it, your DAD is one of the last people on the PLANET to go to for relationship advice...

Yeah, I did know that, but I am not a part of a church right now because I have not been to a church in so long. I just study at home.

And you are very right about taking advice from Dad...

[AnW819]

Ashley - I wouldn't kick working at McDondald's or any 'joe jobs' as I call them (big box stores, retail, fast food etc)....it may pay a bit less but wouldn't it be full time w/health care benefits? Does your nanny offer sick day pay and a good benefits package? Sometimes you have to sacrifice money for quality of life. Only you can decide which is worth more. Remember, money can't make you happy.

I'm also going to ask you this - does W KNOW you're talking with these other men? (or have been talking with them since you've said you've stopped?) Maybe he needs a swift kick in the butt about the reality going on here. (sorry - theres no nice way to ask that)

All the job jobs I applied at about 4 months ago, every single one was not hiring. Now, that was 4 months ago. I just started applying again, and almost all (that I called about to see if they got my app)are part time, 4 hour shifts, no bennies. I know saying its the economy may sound like an excuse, but its really not. I am trying though, because if I can get benifits that would be amazing, because I really, really, really need them.

And yes, DH knows I was talking to the 1 guy, but the other I just started talking to 5 days ago, and I have not told DH about him. I stopped talking to both as of yesterday, and I am able to see now, that while it was flattering, it was hurting me to.

[Nishu]

I almost wish I could hear his side of the story on this. Sometimes when we get a listing of problems with a relationship from only one person, it comes out looking very different in writing than how it really happens in real life. I'm curious about this mostly because your dad and your friends are telling you to focus on being a better wife. Why? Can you expand a little bit on what they say? What would your closest friends tell us if they told us about your marriage?

And in Re: the panic attacks, you can train yourself out of those. A couple years ago I started having periods of lightheadedness that began setting off panic attacks, then shortly after the panic attacks started coming on their own. They're absolutely terrifying, but the attacks themselves aren't dangerous. Even though they weren't necessarily triggered by driving, I became afraid to drive because having one while driving was twice as scary as having them any place else. That just compounded the problem until I became terrified to drive. Before I realized that I was having panic attacks and not some kind of weird heart problem, I'd literally drive down the road with my phone in my hand in case I needed to call 911. I pulled over to the side to regroup more than once and I wouldn't drive on the interstate unless I absolutely couldn't avoid it.

Afte reading up and realizing that what was going on, I came to the conclusion that I was either going to become housebound or learn to get over it. I always knew that another one was right around the corner, so I worked on keeping my breathing steady while driving. I had to constantly remind myself that panic attacks weren't dangerous and that I'd be fine as long as I didn't freak out. The change wasn't instant. They were manageable probably after a few days but only completely gone after about a year.

It is doable. Recognize the panic attacks for what they are: Your over stressed reaction to completely normal environmental factors. Take it slow. Go take your written test and get a permit. Have someone drive you somewhere like an empty parking lot and just get used to the feel of being behind a wheel. I really think that getting your licenses is going to be an important step to feeling better. As long as you feel trapped, you're probably not going to be able to make a sound decision about whether you want to stay.

[jas]

Ashley, just for now take the divorce word out of the mix. You can move on and better yourself and your situation without going that far just this minute. It does not have to be an all or nothing right now. People leave all the time to work on themselves.

Being a Christian myself and knowing what the bible says about marriage I see where you are coming from. Just remember though that it is not the unpardonable sin. If you stay in this marriage and it continues the way it is going you are going to cross many lines and may find yourself in a worse situation than just leaving a marriage that maybe should not have happened in the first place. You say that he does not share your beliefs and is not a Christian, did he ever? Like when you first got together were both on the same page? It certainly is a big deal if those were the things you shared in the begining and now one has changed.

Whatever happens, only you can work on Ashley make yourself a better person, work on you whatever that takes. If it takes 6 months to get your license start now. Work you job you have heard a lot of good steps to take from people here start putting on foot in front of the other, but you have to start.

You can already see that you are not in the same place you were in a few months back. Look how far you have come emotionally. You are tougher than you think.

Your dh will have to evaluate his own part in this and come to his own choice. Certainly his actions have played a part in the outcome of this marriage. No matter how much someone says they don't want a divorce or separation if they are not willing to do what it takes to change it might be happen anyway.

[Telephus44]

This will also sound harsh, but I think your using your Christian beliefs as an excuse not to do anything. You won't leave him/divorce "because of your beliefs" - if you believe in them so strongly, why don't you go to church by yourself? The Bible says a lot about the power of the church and community. It's not meant to be a crutch for not doing anything.

For the record - I'm not Christian - but DH is, and I've spend a fair amount of time in churches, both growing up and recently. I don't think I've met a single Christian who uses the Bible as an excuse. They may use the Bible to explain why they don't do something (don't drink, don't swear, won't be alone with a married man, whatever) but they don't turn around and complain how miserable they are because "God won't let them do" whatever. That's being a whiny brat.

[AnW819]

I almost wish I could hear his side of the story on this. Sometimes when we get a listing of problems with a relationship from only one person, it comes out looking very different in writing than how it really happens in real life. I'm curious about this mostly because your dad and your friends are telling you to focus on being a better wife. Why? Can you expand a little bit on what they say? What would your closest friends tell us if they told us about your marriage?

And in Re: the panic attacks, you can train yourself out of those. A couple years ago I started having periods of lightheadedness that began setting off panic attacks, then shortly after the panic attacks started coming on their own. They're absolutely terrifying, but the attacks themselves aren't dangerous. Even though they weren't necessarily triggered by driving, I became afraid to drive because having one while driving was twice as scary as having them any place else. That just compounded the problem until I became terrified to drive. Before I realized that I was having panic attacks and not some kind of weird heart problem, I'd literally drive down the road with my phone in my hand in case I needed to call 911. I pulled over to the side to regroup more than once and I wouldn't drive on the interstate unless I absolutely couldn't avoid it.

Afte reading up and realizing that what was going on, I came to the conclusion that I was either going to become housebound or learn to get over it. I always knew that another one was right around the corner, so I worked on keeping my breathing steady while driving. I had to constantly remind myself that panic attacks weren't dangerous and that I'd be fine as long as I didn't freak out. The change wasn't instant. They were manageable probably after a few days but only completely gone after about a year.

It is doable. Recognize the panic attacks for what they are: Your over stressed reaction to completely normal environmental factors. Take it slow. Go take your written test and get a permit. Have someone drive you somewhere like an empty parking lot and just get used to the feel of being behind a wheel. I really think that getting your licenses is going to be an important step to feeling better. As long as you feel trapped, you're probably not going to be able to make a sound decision about whether you want to stay.

His side of the story is, he does not know why he does not show affection. He says he does not get it. And I am always miserable, and he says I do not give him any credit for anything. And he is right, because its really hard sometimes. DH is really lazy. Use to always call out of work and tell me he was sick. Has done this once since he got this new job already. Never does any household things.

Like yesterday, we needed to do laundry SO bad. I had NOTHING to wear, towels smelled from being used so many times, and we were out of laundry det. so it was difficult to do a lot of the wash in the bathtub. I kept asking DH everyday please can we go to the L mat today and he would say no, to tired, no I have to leave for work in 4 hours, yada yada. Yesterday I had it. He got 7 hours of sleep, had work in 4 hours, but I needed clothes for work today!!! Got in a huge fight about it, and finally he took me, but complained the WHOLE time. He has no responsibility. How am I suppose to give him credit if I have a hard time finding things to give him credit on? I have given him credit at finding this great job. But, I just dont see anything else.

And what my dad and friends meant about being a better wife, I meant being a more Godly wife. Does that make sense?

I don't really have any friends. My best friend is Waynes sister, and she agrees with me 100% even though its her own brother. She tells me all the time he has a lazy personality. And my other friend, well, she does not know my 'life' to much, but likes Wayne. All my other friends in the past have hated Wayne because he was never personable to them.

As far as my panic attacks, I would get them WHILE driving. I have heard a few people say you can make them go away on their own, this is something I have not been able to do. SSRI's for my anxiety do not work, at all. My brain does not react to it. Panic attacks, I think are very dangerous. If I am driving and have a panic attack, what do I do then? If I am on a high way? If I am coming out of a parking lot?? So not only do I have anxiety about driving in general, but then I have anxiety about having anxiety.

[AnW819]

This will also sound harsh, but I think your using your Christian beliefs as an excuse not to do anything. You won't leave him/divorce "because of your beliefs" - if you believe in them so strongly, why don't you go to church by yourself? The Bible says a lot about the power of the church and community. It's not meant to be a crutch for not doing anything.

For the record - I'm not Christian - but DH is, and I've spend a fair amount of time in churches, both growing up and recently. I don't think I've met a single Christian who uses the Bible as an excuse. They may use the Bible to explain why they don't do something (don't drink, don't swear, won't be alone with a married man, whatever) but they don't turn around and complain how miserable they are because "God won't let them do" whatever. That's being a whiny brat.

Wrong. I don't even know what to say to this, but you are wrong. I do not use it as a excuse.

Ashley, just for now take the divorce word out of the mix. You can move on and better yourself and your situation without going that far just this minute. It does not have to be an all or nothing right now. People leave all the time to work on themselves.

Being a Christian myself and knowing what the bible says about marriage I see where you are coming from. Just remember though that it is not the unpardonable sin. If you stay in this marriage and it continues the way it is going you are going to cross many lines and may find yourself in a worse situation than just leaving a marriage that maybe should not have happened in the first place. You say that he does not share your beliefs and is not a Christian, did he ever? Like when you first got together were both on the same page? It certainly is a big deal if those were the things you shared in the begining and now one has changed.

Whatever happens, only you can work on Ashley make yourself a better person, work on you whatever that takes. If it takes 6 months to get your license start now. Work you job you have heard a lot of good steps to take from people here start putting on foot in front of the other, but you have to start.

You can already see that you are not in the same place you were in a few months back. Look how far you have come emotionally. You are tougher than you think.

Your dh will have to evaluate his own part in this and come to his own choice. Certainly his actions have played a part in the outcome of this marriage. No matter how much someone says they don't want a divorce or separation if they are not willing to do what it takes to change it might be happen anyway.

I have been thinking about a seperation Jas, so that I can take the D word out of the mix, and work on myself and hopefully DH can work on himself to.

As far as cheating because jsut as bad as divorce and such, you are right and thats the whole reason I have been using the word, because part of me feels like I will be in a loose loose situation. If I stay, I may cheat if we cannot fix things and thats just as bad.

And no, DH was never a Christian. He does not have any religion. His whole family does not.

Thanks Jas

[Nishu]

Maybe you should just accept your lot in life and try to be happy with it. I don't think anything we say is going to help you.

[AnW819]

Well, okay then.

[pollypurebred39]

This has gotten a bit mean. Ashley hon, I know you suffer from depression and anxiety, and right now you probably feel paralyzed by it. We all can see that you've made great strides when it comes to work, and we are proud of you. But we are also worried about you. We don't want to see you 15 years from now in the same place, or worse. I know it's hard, but you need to force yourself to put one foot in front of another, for your own good. Start small, small steps lead to big things. If you think that there's no way you could ever drive without having a panic attack, then learn how to ride the bus. Even if you have a panic attack on the bus it won't crash. Just get on go a block or two and walk back. Keep doing it until you can ride the bus without having a panic attack. If you want to go to church, you can. Pick up the phone book and start looking up churches in your area. Sometimes the ad will even state they provide rides. But even if they don't say so they may. You've got to call and ask to speak with someone about it. Baby steps Ashley. I have faith one day you'll be a strong confident woman, but it starts with baby steps.