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Ugh, marriage.

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21K views 210 replies 55 participants last post by  Dancing Lotus 
#1 ·
Yeah, I know...this is I am sure the millionth post about how unhappy I am in my marriage. But, a few things happened the past week, and I need someone to cry to.

Our marriage has been pretty bad for a while. Got married at 18 after being together for 4 1/2 years. Now we have been married for 3 1/2 years. 8 years together.

Our problems have been the same for SO long. Main problem, is DH is not affectionate at all. No hugs, no kisses, no making me feel good about myself, no romance. Nothing. I am living with a roommate. Well, after years and years of telling DH how this literally makes me feel like im dying inside, nothing has changed.

So, I started to notice I am becoming attracted and interested in other men. Ugh. After years of not affection and love and such, it really started to wear on me. So I start talking to this guy who found me on facebook. This guy, well call him A. I like him, he is cool. Just friends. Start to kinda get butterflys, ya know, because he is giving me attention. I feel really bad about it. I tell DH. DH makes me feel like a piece of crap. I never hung out with this guy, nothing, but I feel like I am emotionally cheating.

So DH and I have it out, we are gonna work on things, he is gonna change. I stop talking to A. Two weeks later, our marriage, nothing has changed. I am tossing the D word around, and as much as I tried not to, I started talking to A again.

Then an ex bf, that I actually broke up with wayne for right before we got married finds me on facebook. Now more feelings are coming back. I did not tell DH about this one.

So, DH does not want to leave, and wants to work it out, and I have given up at this point. (I know to you guys it might not seem like I tried but please keep in mind, there is a lot more past to this story). I tell dad, I think we are going to divorce and its killing me because I am a Christian and I just DO NOT believe in divorce, but the feelings I am feeling are really just making me so depressed.

Dad comes home and sits down with me and Wayne. Bacically tells Wayne to stop being stupid, says can't you open your eyes and see her balling her eyes out to you right now she is in so much pain??? Dad was nice about it but had to try to get him to realise. I mean, this talk with all 3 of us was awesome!!! I really thought wow, maybe wayne will get it now?? We talked that night, cuddled for the first time in who knows how long.

Next morning, it was like it never happened. And I am still talking to these guys, I am still hating wayne for making me feel like this, and I just have no idea what I am suppose to do here. Obviously, stop talking to these guys, but, its really not that easy.

I leave Wayne, dad kicks me out because bride is gonna move it, I have no where to go, no car, no money, I have nothing. I feel stuck.

I know I am being stupid, but I am hurting so bad inside. I mean, to have no affection from the person you love for 7 years really hurts. I mean, I know I have to give Wayne a chance to change like dad said, but isnt 7 years enough time to change???? And even after that talk, how hard is it for the text day to hug me, kiss me, make me feel good about myself?? I mean, I just don't see how something like that is an effort? How that takes time??? And even when Wayne did it that night, I just feel like it was so fake. Like he knew he HAD to do it.

I just can't take it anymore.
 
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#2 ·
:hugz: Sounds to me like he does not believe you can or will divorce him, so why change? If he thought for a minute that you really could back up what you were saying then I'm betting his attitude would change.
 
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#3 ·
There's an old saying that behind every beautiful woman is a man who is tired of putting up with her crap....and the same thing is true for men, there's a woman somewhere who's tired of putting up with his crap too. NO ONE is perfect....and romanticizing the idea of how things will be so much better with some other guy is very dangerous. You could be trading one flaw in your relationship, for a much bigger flaw in another relationship...you just don't know until you live with someone, so be very very careful when you think it would be better with one of these other guys....it may be, but then it again it could also be worse.
 
#5 ·
I very much agree with this also. Me being single and having to date again could really hurt me big time to. But im 22. No affection or anything ALREADY?? I mean, thats a bigger deal than him being mean to me, or something of that nature. This is really something terribly painful. Sigh.
 
#6 ·
I know you have tried and rather you believe in divorce or not is moot at this point. You can keep crying out, living a miserable life, thinking things will change, and all the talks...Or you could take hold of your feelings like guilt and make a better life for yourself. It's pretty simple.

You guys have already been divorced in your hearts for so long, so why does signing a legal gov't paper seem so bad?
 
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#8 ·
So if he's not going to change Ashley that leaves the ball in your court. What can you do to become an independent person? Someone that your husband respects and wants to keep in his life? Someone who can support herself, take care of herself, stand on her own? Someone who your husband knows it's true when you tell him there's got to be change in this marriage or else?
 
#9 ·
At the risk of sounding cliche .... everyone thinks that the grass is always greener on the other side.

Think things through before you do anything drastic. How many other men will accept you how you are now for who you are? What qualities in others do you dislike that you may have to end up 'dealing with' b/c you're going to be with someone else/new?

Take this time to really look deep inside yourself and think about the bigger picture here. You two have spent this much time together so far.....you know each others likes and dislikes and don't even have to bat an eye about this with one another. Don't forget about all the little things you do for each other b/c you love each other.

Things are rough for you right now....think of how rough it could be later on if you (1) stay (2) leave and find someone else (3) leave and find no one else (4) find someone else and need to see if its 'real' by waiting it out for a year or two til you think you completely know them.

Think about all the positive and negatives and be real about it, don't lie to yourself.

You've shown him that its ok to behave this way since you two have been together....it will take a long time for him to learn to undo this as well. Are you able to make a daily challenge of it? He has to cuddle with you for 15 minutes/day and you need to do something for him that you do not like doing but he does.

Hope that made sense, its late here.
 
#11 ·
Lib, I totally agree with you, and that is what I am struggling with. I am sure if I leave Wayne things are gonna be really rough for me, BUT does that mean that I have to be in a loveless marriage my whole life then?

And I do not feel I have allowed him to be this way for so many years. We have had this problem, fought about it, talked about it, cryed about it, broke up because of it, for years. He knows, it kills me inside. And the challenge, I think it would cause a fight. :(
 
#12 ·
Well all I can suggest is things that have worked for me. Your mileage may vary. It sounds like the two of you are stuck in a behavioral rut and could use some behavior-based counseling (as opposed to the kind where you just sit there and vent about each other). I don't want this to come across mean, and I hope you will not take it that way, but blaming an issue completely on the other person is not a mature way of handling it. Again, marriage is give and take, it takes two and there are always two ways of looking at every problem. In this case there are probably three: your perception of what's happening, his perception of what's happening, and what's actually happening.
 
#15 ·
Yeah, I do blame this on DH, because this is something he is doing to hurt me, and our marriage. He tells me all the time its not me, so while I want to say its us, and (yeah, maybe this is not real mature of me), I blame DH for this. This is something he and I should of fixed years ago, and years of me trying and him not, I blame him for this.
 
#13 ·
Libby said:
You've shown him that its ok to behave this way since you two have been together....it will take a long time for him to learn to undo this as well. Are you able to make a daily challenge of it? He has to cuddle with you for 15 minutes/day and you need to do something for him that you do not like doing but he does.
Ugh, I have to humbly disagree. Lets see...since Ashley has joined this board, there have been many post by her about how unhappy she is in her marriage and things are not working out.

I, for one, would not beg my own husband to cuddle with me or show me attention, nor make it a challenge. I bet she hates the fact that she and her dh lives with her dad. That in itself is doing something she really doesn't like doing for oh so long.
 
#14 ·
I bet she hates the fact that she and her dh lives with her dad. That in itself is doing something she really doesn't like doing for oh so long.
Agreed, and the question it brings to mind is how does this impact the way she interacts with her husband. In other words, does her resentment result in behavior that pushes him further away? Creating the opposite result of what she says she wants (cuddling, etc.)? It can become a vicious circle.
 
#16 ·
Palooka - was just trying to give another option. What works for one person may not for another. BUT LB hit it on the head - its a behavioural counseling technique. If they both claim to 'love each other but' then show it by doing something for the other person that they dislike. Eventually it can bridge the gap of communication and help them refocus on where they want their marriage to be. I agree about living with one's parents not helping the situation either - unless its something thats 'wanted' mutually.
 
#19 ·
If you believe that counseling would help your marriage then you could take the no cost option of pastoral counseling. No pastor in his right mind would agree that ignoring a partners distress or lack of affection is an okay way to have a marriage.
 
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#21 ·
What do you think you should do Ashley? What's your heart telling you?
 
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#22 ·
I guess at this point I ain't gonna sugar coat it after all these post.
I'd be seeking a lawyer, not some emotional roller coaster trip from a counselor, when it's clear that neither wants it.
 
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#24 ·
The problem palooka, is that DH does NOT want a divorce. He does not want a break, a split, or anything. He gets upset when I bring it up and says he loves me and this and that. Is it true? IDK....he acts like he doesnt want this marriage by treating me the way he does, but he says differantly.
 
#23 ·
To stay with him, but a lot of me thinks thats just because I am comfortable with him, even though I am hurting. I do think, I am going to hurt really bad if I divorce Wayne, and try to find someone else, or date, or stay single or whatever it is I may do, because dating was REALLY painful for me in the past; which is why I think I got married so young. Problem is, for years now I have just been thinking so what, so what if there is no affection I will just deal with it, because I want to stay in this marriage but now its getting really bad where I am the one who is doing the wrong thing now; lusting over other men.

I really just don't know at this point. I want to work it out, I do. But do I think we can, no, I don't.
 
#25 ·
My bf and I are currently doing couples counseling. Our Dr. is charging us $5/session because we are limited income. So it is possible to find help. Pastoral counseling is also a great option.

You can't control your DH. You can only control yourself. I'm curious, do you try to initiate some of the cuddling and intimacy? If so, how does he respond?

It's VERY hard for people to change. I'm not making excuses for your DH, I'm just talking as someone that needs to make major changes myself in my own relationship. How was your DH's childhood? That can factor in A LOT. Again, not an excuse, but just trying to understand where he is coming from.

That being said, I was married to someone I call an "emotional cripple". I did the same thing that you are doing - I looked for, and found, attention from other places (guys). I ended up divorcing my husband for someone I met online and that went HORRIBLY. So, in my case, that grass was not greener... right away. However, I did grow A LOT and became a much stronger person. It wasn't easy - AT ALL - but I did it. I gained a ton of independence and overall, it was the right decision.

Good luck, Ashley. This decision may be one of the hardest ones you ever have to make. I know that even though my marriage was a miserable one, it hurt terribly to walk away from him.
 
#27 ·
Thanks :) I am just not even sure how to look for cheaper counceling. I am the one who initiates everything affection/intimacy wise. He always has an excuse, or is tired, or is doing something, or plain old just says no.

DH had a great childhood. Always talks about how good it was, and I know its the truth because growing up, I was best friends with his sister. Always been close with their family.
 
#26 ·
So if this goes bust Ashley, how are you going to take care of yourself? Have you thought about what you need to do to be independent?
 
#28 ·
Well yeah, I need to take my permit test, and then I can get my license in 6 months. Find a beater car to drive. Find a job that will pay me more than $400 a week. Find a place to live thats like $600 a month which is impossible here in Jersey. Open up my own bank account. I mean, the list goes on and on.

I can't just take money and put it aside in savings right now for myself, when OUR bills are behind. I still have a commitment to pay our bills together, ya know?
 
#32 ·
People can stone me all they want, but at this point I would use the gov't system that is set in place for situations.

Apply for gov't housing...now!! Use the system to get a ride to college if you can. This time they can't go by your husbands income if you are separated.

Then maybe this will help your self esteem if you find a way to be independent and just focus on you. :) You are emotionally beat down.
 
#33 ·
You have a good point there Palooka. There are options in place for people who need help.
 
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#35 ·
Talk's cheap.
Action has value.

That goes for DH.
That goes for you too.
 
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#36 ·
Ashley have you ever watched the movie Fireproof? If not and you both say you love each other and want to work it out it might be something to look into. This is an awesome movie and there is a book out there called the Love Dare. I wasn't having trouble in my marriage at the time but having watched this movie made me think a little differently about how I can make my marriage even stronger. It is a Christian based movie and book. It might be worth it if you are really interested in working on your marriage. Just a thought. Hope all goes as you want it to. Hugs and GOD's blessings sent your way.
 
#40 ·
Thank you all for your awesome advice. I think the bottom line is weather or not I stay with DH I need to become more independant. Its not that I have not wanted to, its I think DH made me really hard for me to. But, ultimatly, the blame is on me for that one.



Never saw the movie, but at my work (nanny), the family here has that love dare book and I DO want to buy it!! I was reading it and think its a great book, and while it may help me, It won't for DH because he just is not 'into' Christianity.

Stop talking to the other guys and deal with your relationship with your dh. They are a distraction from the real problems and are not helping you keep a clear head. If he's unwilling to seek help to change you need to do whats needed for your sake. That means talking to someone who can help you sort your feelings out and make positive changes. I can't remember if you have children... if so that makes things a bit harder.
Once you get some clarity you need to make some decisions. I'd talk to your Dad alone. Would he really kick you out if you weren't married? Would he be willing to give you a time limit to move so you can get a get job and some money for rent etc? You'd need to make yourself a priority and do whatever is needed to get yourself financially sound and on your way to a new life. I wouldn't live in an affection deprived relationship and you need not settle for it either. If he's unwilling to change you need to move on.
Lose the other guys and focus on your relationship, all your attention is needed on making life better for yourself dealing with what is. Your life and how you live it is your choice, no one elses. Its up to you.
Thanks so much. No kids, which is funny because I was always so upset that I can't have kids but now, I look back and I am thankful I Have not been able to have kids. Wow, it would of been really rough.

And as far as Dad letting me stay there and such, thats a no.


And you are also right. I need to stop talking to these other guys, and focus on me and DH. What we are gonna do. How we are gonna work it out, or NOT work it out. And I think most importantly, I need to focus on myself, which I have no done since I was 13; when I met DH.
 
#38 ·
Stop talking to the other guys and deal with your relationship with your dh. They are a distraction from the real problems and are not helping you keep a clear head. If he's unwilling to seek help to change you need to do whats needed for your sake. That means talking to someone who can help you sort your feelings out and make positive changes. I can't remember if you have children... if so that makes things a bit harder.
Once you get some clarity you need to make some decisions. I'd talk to your Dad alone. Would he really kick you out if you weren't married? Would he be willing to give you a time limit to move so you can get a get job and some money for rent etc? You'd need to make yourself a priority and do whatever is needed to get yourself financially sound and on your way to a new life. I wouldn't live in an affection deprived relationship and you need not settle for it either. If he's unwilling to change you need to move on.
Lose the other guys and focus on your relationship, all your attention is needed on making life better for yourself dealing with what is. Your life and how you live it is your choice, no one elses. Its up to you.
 
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G
#39 ·
Try this. Go back and read this post and every other thread you've started on FV about your marraige troubles.

Now, pretend that instead of you writing them, it was your best friend. If you don't have one (and this isn't a slam, I don't have a best friend either) pretend that you do. What advice would you give to your best friend if she wrote all of that?

What advice would you give her if she was coming to you with the same problems for years?

<quote>
Talk's cheap.
Action has value.

That goes for DH.
That goes for you too.
</quote>

Sorry - can't figure out the quote function - this is Greebo's.
 
#42 ·
sucky marriage

First and formost. MAKE YOUR OWN SECURITY. Quit depending on Dad and husband. For anything. Do this yourself. Sounds like there is some growing up to do here.

You have to realize that if your husband isn't being the husband you want him to be, and hasn't for seven years, chances are he will never change and you will 40 and bitter before you know it.

If I were living in your situation, and was your age, I would get a job, I dont' care if it's working at McDonalds or cleaning toilets. Get a ROOM somewhere, you don't need an entire apartment. Something close to your work. I've lived in rooms that I could barely turn around it and survived just fine.

What I WOULD NOT do is start "looking for love and affection" from guys. You will wind up either pregnant or miserable or both. A MAN WILL NOT SAVE YOU! Get a freaking dog or cat if you need an outlet for affection. Work at a day care center or for a vet.

I would just start ignoring the husband and father. Do your bit and behave until you can get away. Play ball with them until you can leave. And please, don't get involved with another man right away. NO RELATIONSHIPS with men for a YEAR. A SOLID YEAR. Find out who you are and go from there.

JMHO
 
#44 ·
First and formost. MAKE YOUR OWN SECURITY. Quit depending on Dad and husband. For anything. Do this yourself. Sounds like there is some growing up to do here.

You have to realize that if your husband isn't being the husband you want him to be, and hasn't for seven years, chances are he will never change and you will 40 and bitter before you know it.

If I were living in your situation, and was your age, I would get a job, I dont' care if it's working at McDonalds or cleaning toilets. Get a ROOM somewhere, you don't need an entire apartment. Something close to your work. I've lived in rooms that I could barely turn around it and survived just fine.

What I WOULD NOT do is start "looking for love and affection" from guys. You will wind up either pregnant or miserable or both. A MAN WILL NOT SAVE YOU! Get a freaking dog or cat if you need an outlet for affection. Work at a day care center or for a vet.

I would just start ignoring the husband and father. Do your bit and behave until you can get away. Play ball with them until you can leave. And please, don't get involved with another man right away. NO RELATIONSHIPS with men for a YEAR. A SOLID YEAR. Find out who you are and go from there.

JMHO
Well, alrighty then. I am trying to be as grown up as possible here. As much as I can be. I do have a job; I am a nanny. Its 34 hours a week. And I like it. I can't get pregnant. I have 2 cats. And, I am not going to ignore anyone. That to me, is not being a 'grown up'.

I definitally am not looking to get into another relationship right now, no way, but I find myself talking to these friends and looking for attention from them. Have not met up with them, or will I.
 
#43 ·
Ashley you have to deal with and figure out what you are going to do about your marriage before you start getting all these warm fuzzy feelings with these two other guys.

We have talked about this before, if in the end you and dh don't work out then you can move on to find a more suitable partner. You may be just weeks, or months away from divorce I have no idea. Don't let the sweet talk of these two guys cloud what you have to fix either way with dh. Don't bring more trouble into your marriage than is already there.

You are in a vulnerable place and anything remotely nice coming from those two guys is going to put you on cloud nine and make you more angry with dh. You know your dh better than any of us do and if as you say he has promised over and over that he will show more affection ect and has not over the many years you have been together he most likely will not. We have tossed around a few reasons why he may not be a more affectionate person, just becasuse he says they are not the reason they still could be.

Hugs to you. This is not an easy situation to be in no matter the outcome.
 
#45 ·
Thanks Jas <3 you told me before to stop talking to them, and ugh, it was hard :( But your right! I HAVE to. Its not good for me, nor DH, because well, we all know what those two want anyway....ugh.

When they are sweet to me, it does make me more mad at DH because then I am like why can't DH say stuff like that, and I am making my standards SO much higher for DH.

Sigh.
 
#50 ·
I want you to understand - I'm not condemning you. I know change is hard.

But by now you should also understand that what you say at this point doesn't really matter.

It's action time.
 
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