My present to myself backfired. ha!

**krbshappy71** · 12-21-2010, 09:40 PM

soooo, I thought this year I would give a gift to myself. I would work on repairing my relationship with my mother. *insert insane crazy laughter here*

OH MY STARS it is simply impossible. I just posted on Facebook that I went out to see Christmas lights with my daughter. My mom writes to me (thankfully in a personal message, not a posting) that she's disappointed I went without her as she mentioned she wanted to do it.

Um, Christmas isn't over, Mother. Sooo, unfortunately I blasted her. No, not exaggerating, I totally blasted her. So much for working on our relationship huh? I told her it had nothing to do with her, it was totally spur of the moment, and that if my Facebook postings are going to upset her that much I can block her. MEAN, I KNOW. Totally mean. One of those moments that you want an "unsend" button before the person sees it but it felt good to write it.

Thankfully, my mother apologized for taking it personally and I then apologized for blasting her instead of staying calm. I am trying, you guys, I really am, but I think this Christmas present is over my head.

I feel terrible that I made her feel bad, I'm going to invite her out for lights on, say, Thursday. She had mentioned it but we didn't set a date or anything and heck people mention stuff all the time that we don't actually do. (i.e. the infamous we should do lunch) If she turns me down for lights I've also already offered to help her bake this week and she hasn't taken me up on THAT offer either. So I feel like I'm the only one making the effort.

A friend of mine pointed out that at least she wrote to me at all to express her feelings. In the past she normally would have been hurt for DAYS on end, never telling the person why. Um, ok but I kinda screwed up that for her because she expressed her feelings and got blasted. I swear I cannot do this relationship stuff.

**rosey7415** · 12-22-2010, 02:38 AM

yes, you can do this relationship stuff....lol calm down, take a deep breath......hum a chant.......anything that works.....lol she is your mama. you only have one ma. make the effort....time flies faster than you think.

maybe this will help you....my personal example......we jsut took my mother to the dr. today as she is having confusing moments and memory lapses....dementia? tia's? she is being tested to see what is wrong..........life is short.........i am in an emotional place with this right now. i hope that sheds some light on my response and gets you to rethink. good luck to you either way.

**Greebo** · 12-22-2010, 04:57 AM

Thread moved at OP request from Christmas to Relationships

**frugalwarrior2** · 12-22-2010, 06:57 AM

So now you tell her that you are sorry. You know you over reacted because of your past relationship. But-you want to work on the relationship. You are glad that she was open about being disappointed. Tell her that you had intended to go w/ her anyway at a later date. Then ask her what night would be good and would she like to go out for coffee or hot choc. after.

xmas is the perfect time to push the reset button.

**Darlene** · 12-22-2010, 07:46 AM

Good for you! No matter who you are it's not easy saying you were wrong and could have handled things better. Baby steps for both of you will have things getting even better if you both want them to be. wtg!

**krbshappy71** · 12-22-2010, 09:36 AM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2

So now you tell her that you are sorry. You know you over reacted because of your past relationship. But-you want to work on the relationship. You are glad that she was open about being disappointed. Tell her that you had intended to go w/ her anyway at a later date. Then ask her what night would be good and would she like to go out for coffee or hot choc. after.

xmas is the perfect time to push the reset button.

Ya, I did calm down and apologize, then she apologized again. I hate that I blasted her, that she can push my buttons so easily. I want to hold up a big sign to her that says, "Its not all about you."

I've got her blocked again on Facebook. Its a huge weak area for some reason, she will get upset about things I post on there, the strangest things to me. I also think that I "hear" her responses in tones that she may not be using. The same condescending tones I've heard all my life. I try to ask myself, "if my daughter wrote it, would it upset me? If my bf wrote it, would it upset me?" um, that doesn't always work though because my daughter and bf don't ask the same inane questions or make the same comments she does. They are hugely supportive and non-judgemental. (well, everyone judges, but they don't show it I guess)

Thanks, all, for letting me vent. I have a lot of growing up to do as well to have gotten so upset so quickly instead of making the leap to compassion and responding with that.

**Shelli_wnj** · 12-22-2010, 09:57 AM

I think you are doing great for just starting. One thing to remember is that she PM'ed you. She didn't blast you all over facebook like some family members do. Also, you apologized right away - that counts for more than you know. I think you two are well on your way to a repaired relationship (coming from one who has helped many people restore relationships). I know facebook is hard - it has ruined lots of relationships just because of the "tone of voice" issue you mentioned. but other than that, I am sure that you are doing your part. It's hard most times for moms of kids with kids (meaning your mom) because they are used to being the ones to call the shots. It's hard for them to start taking a back seat to their kids. But if she's willing and you are willing, that's all it takes. Congrats!!!
PS - sorry if the advice was unwarranted, but relationships is kinda what I do.

**krbshappy71** · 12-22-2010, 10:05 AM

Not at all unwarranted, its comforting to know people are out there willing to listen and help me. I also appreciated hearing that I'm not the only one who struggles with this stuff but that it can be fixed. Sometimes I fear that she will never be able to meet me halfway but I need to accept that, I guess, and figure out how far I'm willing to go myself.

Facebook can be so great, and so not. I dreaded the day she joined because she is just so dang sensitive that I knew it would be a problem. It has been. I've had to remove posts, edit posts, I've dropped her as a friend only to re-add her because it hurt her feelings when I was trying to fix our relationship by getting rid of a sore spot in it, and now thankfully Facebook has customizable privacy settings.

I have found that if I post a picture and she comments immediately her comments bother me. If I post a picture, have her blocked from it for weeks, then give access to her that enough time has gone by that I don't care what she writes about it. The picture is "old" in my mind, "yesterday's news" in a sense. So I've been doing that for quite some time. I'm not sure if that's immature or me finding a solution that works for myself but either way it does help me.