Worried about my daughter

[arnie]

My DD19 works as a waitress about 3-4 nights a week in a pizza place. She also goes to cosmetology school M-Thurs days. She started working last weekend at a bar and grille as a bartender and didn’t get home until 4 am the first night, and 3 am the second night. My husband and I are not comfortable with this due to the late night she is driving home, and the fact that the bar is about 40 mins away from home. I asked her to see if they could let her off by midnight, because I am very uneasy about this. Am I wrong for acting this way? She does live at home and only pays for her insurance and gas money- so I think it is reasonable that she respect the house rules. She wants to exert her independence and make her own money. I am very uncomfortable with this and have told her to ask if she can get off earlier (1230-1 am) instead of when the bar closes at 3, otherwise she needs to not work there. She is upset with me. Last weekend, I woke up in the middle of the night 2 am, and could not go back to sleep until she got in. I don't think this is fair to me either, after working a 50 hr week to not be able to go get a good nights sleep due to her schedule. Am I being unreasonable??

[ladykemma2]

if she's 18, none of your business?

[lisa0069]

I thought you had to be 21 to work behind a bar.

I was 23 and I had a curfew because I had to respect the rest of the people in the house, they all need their sleep also. I did not like it at the time but most times I was in by 11 or 12. Moms bedroom was right next to the front door.

I for sure understand it now.

[Debbie-cat]

I think you should be proud that she is such an ambious young lady. At least she isn't running around getting in trouble. She is not only learning responsibility but time management. I can see you worrying about her since she does have to work late and has quite a drive at that time of the night, I would be too however I am confused by your remark that she should live by your house rules. I agree that she should follow the house rules in all aspects but she is working at a job not out with friends goofing off. So that part of your comment I don't really agree with. Be proud that she is doing the best she can with all that she is juggling. I can sympathize though with lack of sleep on your part.

[madjen]

if she's 18, none of your business?

It is if the child is still living at home.

[Rebookie]

She's not legal age to bartend! =( I would help her find a new job. If that 19 year old lives with you, it's your business.

[Nana2two]

in Georgia you must be 18 or older to serve or take orders for alcoholic beverages some cities or counties may have laws that make the age limits more restrictive.
this is from the Georgia department of labor:

[Dixie]

I don't think you're being unreasonable. If she's still living at home then it is your business. One of my adult sons decided at the age of 21, when he was still living at home, that he would come and go as he pleased. Nope, dh and I let him know that it was not ok to wake us at 3 am, coming home. He decided that he had it pretty good at home and would abide by our rules after all.
I hope you can get things straightened out with your dd. I would be worried about her being out that late. Atlanta has grown by leaps and bounds in the last 15-20 years and with it has come big city problems.

[Nana2two]

Sometimes my daughter didn't get home till 2 or so in the morning. This is when she was 21. It worried me and she didn't live at home. It will get old. When she see's that she is so tired the next day and can't function she will stop. I would voice your concern and leave it at that.Most clubs and bars will not let there bartenders leave early most places the most money is brought in between 12 and 3..If she can't stay untill closing or until things slow down they will find someone else. Not sure how it is in your area. But people around my area are always looking for bartenders and wait staff.
I agree with other she does need to show some levels of respect when she is living at home.I hope someone is walking her to her car at night.

[Contrary Housewife]

She probably cannot get the hours off. She was hired to work that shift until closing and they will not want her going home early. She could loose the job.

I understand you're worried about her, but she is an adult now. She is out late because she is working a job, not running around partying god knows where. She comes home late not because she disrespects you but because she does respect you enough to want to earn her own keep. I think you should try and relax and trust her judgement for now. It sounds like she is working hard to juggle school and jobs. If it were my daughter I would be proud she is making something of herself. Pretty soon you'll be sleeping through the night again.

[mndtrp]

She's not legal age to bartend! =( I would help her find a new job. If that 19 year old lives with you, it's your business.

Minimum Age for Bartending

Twenty-four (24) states in the U.S. permit adults age 18 or older to tend bar in on-premises establishments.

I doubt the establishment will allow her to get off early, especially if she is the bartender. There are a lot of sales between midnight and 2 AM. Couple that with cleanup afterwards, and it's unlikely to happen.

However, you do have a right to set up the rules in your house. She can either abide by the rules, break the rules while you do nothing, or you can kick her out for not following the rules.

[Kitten20]

I would leave it be for now. Give it a couple of weeks and see if she sticks w/ the job. She may just quit on her own due to the late/early hours. Can you wear earplugs at night to help or is it the worrying that's keeping you up?

[Syn D]

My oldest daughter is 25, a single mom, has her own place in another state, and is a very independent person.. She was offered a part time bar job a couple years ago and asked us about it, we said we rather she didn't take it and expressed our concerns.. She didn't take it even tho' she knows she would of enjoyed it...

With that said, I will repeat ~ has her own place in another state, and still she respected our concerns.. It could of been having to call us when she left work and when she got home every night she worked there or just out of respect, for whatever reason it was, we are happy..

She put herself through Cosmetology school and worked at places like Sonic, etc.. My rules are no bars and no night shifts at convenient stores/gas stations and she never has.. Now she is a full time cosmetologist and is happy with it...

[lisaflex]

she sounds like a hard worker. i served and bartended for many many yrs and it is a way to make ALOT of $$$ (if inthe right establishment) so, if making money is her goal, then so be it.

it is understandble you are worried about the late hr driving, but, if she is responsible and safe, so be it. on the other hand, if she is partying after work, and living at home, that is another story entirely.

but it sounds like she is doing it for the money which is great.

[Buc-O-Mama]

Sounds like you have raised a daughter with an amazing work ethic. Maybe you can sit down and discuss your concerns with her, and also find out what her plans are long term for this job. Maybe it's just something she's trying out for a while or maybe the schedule is going to be to much for her to keep up for long. She's taking her adult responsibilities seriously, I'd be very proud of her for working so hard.

On a little safety note. My FIL is retired from law enforcement, and he has given me advice in the past as far as driving alone at night. I hope you don't mind me sharing it as the mom of a 19yr old DD too.

Keep a hooded sweatshirt and baseball cap in your car. Nothing cutesy pink, but something a boy would wear. Put them on as soon as you get in your car. At first or even second glance, you'll appear to be a male driving a car, even with makeup and long hair. Go to a thrift shop and find the biggest pair of used work boots that you can find. Set them on the backseat (or on your front porch if you live alone), makes it look like a good sized man belongs to that car.

Always travel the same route, and let someone else know when you are leaving. Even a simple text message. That way if you have any car trouble along the way, it will be easy to find you even if you hit a cell phone "dead spot".

If a law enforcement officer is attempting to pull you over, especially if it is an unmarked car, you have the right to slow down, put your hazard lights on and drive to somewhere you feel is brightly lit or safe before you pull over.