Respecting Boundaries

**Libby** · 06-22-2011, 01:21 PM

Just wondering how to express and convey my discontentment to my friend of how they are not respecting the unsaid boundaries of our friendship. We've been friends for a very long time, consider each other like family but there's an unspoken boundary that they're crossing.

I've brought up the boundary thats being crossed, addressed it and pretty much explained how I feel that they're crossing the boundary yet they keep thinking its OK to keep crossing it. As if our conversation meant nothing. I can't make it any more clear then I already have.

How do I move forward from this point? Do I put that friend on a time out? Ignore that friend for a while? Keep bringing the issue up and basically end up throwing it in their face? I feel at a loss for words and am stuck at a stand still. All I know is that if this continues, our friendship may not continue.

**Darlene** · 06-22-2011, 01:31 PM

I'd put it in writing and mail her a card. It will give her something concrete to see and time to ponder.
Good luck!

**pollypurebred39** · 06-22-2011, 01:36 PM

I'd say at this point you've reached an impasse that can only be addressed with a raised palm and a sharp STOP! When they look bewildered at this you say, I've made it clear that this is not acceptable, then change the conversation.

Of course there is the time out, which can be effective providing the person knows why they are in time out.

**Russ** · 06-22-2011, 01:40 PM

Were you direct and to the point when you said it? I think I would say it again, reminding her/him of the previous convo and maybe even apoligize for not being crystal clear. KWIM?

**Greebo** · 06-22-2011, 01:44 PM

I'm confused - you called it an unspoken boundary but then said you've discussed it.

**pollypurebred39** · 06-22-2011, 01:44 PM

Perhaps Russ's way of handling it is best. My way just may cause hard feelings.

**Ramona** · 06-22-2011, 02:54 PM

Originally Posted by Darlene

I'd put it in writing and mail her a card. It will give her something concrete to see and time to ponder.
Good luck!

I'd do it this way and include something to the effect that if they don't agree, our friendship will not continue.

**Libby** · 06-22-2011, 03:14 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

I'm confused - you called it an unspoken boundary but then said you've discussed it.

The boundary is an unspoken rule type thing - things you don't do to your friends etc.

Example - btw this isn't the boundary that was crossed either - you don't date your friends' friends or ex's

Originally Posted by Russ

Were you direct and to the point when you said it? I think I would say it again, reminding her/him of the previous convo and maybe even apoligize for not being crystal clear. KWIM?

I thought it was discussed quite clearly and openly. No accusations made but very clearly pointed out how that specific friend has done that to me on a few occasions. The reaction was 'Really?! I'm sorry." yet they keep doing it, over and over. I don't think I'm being hypersensitive about this either. A few others have noticed it happening and commenting to me about it

**Greebo** · 06-22-2011, 03:25 PM

Originally Posted by Libby

I thought it was discussed quite clearly and openly. No accusations made but very clearly pointed out how that specific friend has done that to me on a few occasions. The reaction was 'Really?! I'm sorry." yet they keep doing it, over and over.

Its REALLY hard to guess at how to respond to this when we don't know what the violation was, specifically.

**Libby** · 06-22-2011, 03:31 PM

Originally Posted by Greebo

Its REALLY hard to guess at how to respond to this when we don't know what the violation was, specifically.

I understand but I don't want to get into specifics.

**mauimagic** · 06-22-2011, 03:48 PM

I agree with the idea to pur it in writing - my style would be to say........I'm disappointed that you are not honoring my request not to xyz. It is really important to me that you respect me in this matter and obviously, our friendship is important to me or I wouldn't be writing to you about my concerns.

...or something to that effect - your style, etc. Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean. Good luck.

**shoiji** · 06-22-2011, 03:57 PM

Next time they do this, stop them right away. Say something like I thought we talked about this. Why are you still doing it. Or I do not want to discuss this any further.

If they keep on doing the same thing then I would suggest you start to distance yourself from this person. Friends can out grow friends. A true friend will try to be sensitive to what may be uncomfortable to them.

**Ceashels** · 06-22-2011, 04:08 PM

I agree with Shoiji. Are they making a cognitive choice to do that behavior or is it a habit that is overflowing from another relationship into your relationship with them? I think pointing out to them every time they do it would help them understand and reinforce the boundary you are trying to keep.

It doesn't have to be done meanly but something as simple as "you're doing it again" will eventually start to point out the boundary you want.

**MaryCarney** · 06-22-2011, 04:09 PM

My response would be an immediate "Well, there you go again" with a smile.
Followed by (next infraction) "Ummmmm, pretty sure I told you how this makes me feel"
Followed by (next infraction) "Sorry, but I get the feeling you're doing this on purpose now. Is this intentional? 'Cause if it is, I need to take a step back from this friendship for a bit."

**pollypurebred39** · 06-22-2011, 04:18 PM

Wow, you all are so much more diplomatic then me. I'm feeling rather aggressive compared to everyone here. But then again when I had to do it it was in protection of my children and I'm not a nice Mama bear when it comes to my kids.

It's probably best you ignore my advice Libby. I hope this gets worked out soon.