When has a relationship run its course?
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  1. #1
    Registered User MomToTwoBoys's Avatar
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    Default When has a relationship run its course?

    I've been having a few problems in the last couple of weeks with some "friends". I've been friends with both for years (I went to high school with one and met the other about 12 years ago). But, lately, things have been sort of rocky. I ended up breaking one friendship and the other one is just not there anymore.

    So the question begs to be asked:

    When has a relationship, friendship or otherwise, run its course? When is it time to end it?

    This goes for marriages too. Because, as we all know, some marriages are just not meant to last.

    Is it when you just can't find the strength to agree with things you'd normally agree with before? Is it when something just feels different? Could it be when you feel like you've given too much and aren't seeing the same thing in return like you used to?

    Let's hear it.

  2. #2
    Registered User Debbie-cat's Avatar
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    I agree that friendships run their course and need to end. I think alot of it is due to the fact that people grow, change and their interests follow different paths. Although it is sad, it is time to move on. Hugs. I had to leave one friendship a while back and do not regret it at all. I still wish her the very best and a happy life but we didn't have anything in common anymore and her negativity always brought me down.
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    Registered User Contrary Housewife's Avatar
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    When there's no feelings left. When there's nothing to say. When you have no more in common. When the other person just isn't there. When there is no reason to be together.

    I ended some relationships last summer. I was putting effort into them and getting little or nothing in return. It was sad to let go, but I had to face up to the fact that the relationships were very one sided and no longer fulfilling.
    Use it up, Wear it out,
    Make it do, Or do without. ~unknown

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    Registered User bookworm's Avatar
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    Here is my favorite on the subject:

    People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you figure out which one it is, you will know what to do for each person.

    When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend, and they are! They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered. And now it is time to move on.

    Then people come into your life for a SEASON, b ecause your turn has come to share, grow, or learn. They bring you an experience of peace, or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season.

    LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons: things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
    "Breathe in, breathe out, move on."

  5. #5
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    Bookworm u are wise

  6. #6
    Registered User bookworm's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by oheoh's momma View Post
    Bookworm u are wise
    Thank you but I got this in an email years ago and saved it!
    "Breathe in, breathe out, move on."

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    Registered User Syn D's Avatar
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    I think you just know, like when everything in the relationship starts being one sided (one side making all the effort and one side not giving a darn)

    My best best friend (sense high school) is the sweetest, doesn't have a hateful bone in her body, would never intentionally hurt anyone (we are totally opposite).. Yet 2 of her best friends (one from grade school and one from high school) both turned on her..

    One about 13 yrs ago when my friend was going through a divorce, that friend called her toxic (cos' Oprah said so ) because she wasn't getting over her divorce as fast as her friend thought she should.. Well, that understandably destroyed that close friendship..

    The other one ended last year.. My friend was on the phone with this one and my friend said she thinks she is a jinx (that my friend is) Well, her friend took it wrong and thought my friend was calling her a jinx and massively blew it out of the water... Even sent my friend a very nasty 7 page letter..

    OK, my point is, if they truly knew their best friend as they should of, the first one would of known that was totally wrong to say toxic and would of just been there for her, knowing in time she will be ok (like I did) and the second one would of second guessed what she thought she heard, knowing my friend would never of said that bout another person..

    I told her they never apparently took the time in all these years to really know her and they don't deserve her in their lives.. I guess they ran their courses...

  8. #8
    Registered User MomToTwoBoys's Avatar
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    I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately about this subject. It doesn't apply to just my friendships anymore.

    I'm struggling to find a good enough reason to stay.

    And I know some of you will think that I should stay, but because of the kids. You know what, though? How much can one person take before they just snap?

    DH and I have been sort of having an odd marriage. It started out odd and through the years, it's felt stranger and stranger. Perhaps I'm growing in another direction. Maybe, I'm finally seeing what others have told me that they've seen. But regardless, I feel like I need something else in my life that DH cannot give me... or doesn't want to give me.

    In writing my book, it was sort of my own therapy session. I figured that I was just bored and looking for something to do. But, as I write more and more of the book, I'm realizing more and more of what I've hidden deep down inside of my soul.

    I need something else in my life.

    I'm still uncertain of what that is. I miss my old life. I miss being independent. I miss being able to be myself without judgement. I just miss being me. I feel like I've been living a life that was meant for someone else. Perhaps, it's because I grew up in a broken home (of sorts). But the more I think about even that part of my upbringing, the more I realize that it's not that.

    I'm starting to regret a lot of things. I'm regretting the fact that I never finished college. I'm regretting the fact that I moved here and closed myself in so tight that I can't get the air I need to breathe. I'm regretting giving up so many things, yet he hasn't given up anything.

    I feel more like his mother and his maid than his wife. If I want to go out and be more independent, he makes me feel like I'm putting a kink in his lifestyle. My depression and anxiety worsens every day and I know, deep down inside, that that would be alleviated if I could just get back to the way things used to be.

    So perhaps this thread was about friends, but it's also about my marriage, as well.

    I have a lot of thinking to do.

  9. #9
    Registered User Nishu's Avatar
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    I think should get treated for your depression before you do anything. Marital problems are caused by depression more than depression is caused by marital problems.

    I almost ruined my marriage because I wasn't getting treatment. I used to say "If something is wrong, I don't want to pop a pill just to make be happy." And that was a stupid thing to say because depression keeps you from thinking straight. I wouldn't have known if something was wrong.
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  10. #10
    Registered User CrazyCat's Avatar
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    I think all marriages have ebbs and flows.

    There are times when I am so IN TUNE with my dh....and the love has no boundries.

    There are times when we are SO DIFFERENT and think SO DIFFERENT that I wonder why I married him.

    However, he never makes me feel like that when I need "ME" time.
    it's funny you brought this up~because when We were raising our boys, I told myself....when they get grown up...I can get my old life back. Guess what? 18 years later..there is NO old life. This is my life now. I've changed. BUT~I've been married 24 years...and I think that makes a difference.

  11. #11
    Registered User MomToTwoBoys's Avatar
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    I've been experiencing more of the low end of things for the past year or two.

    He and I had this four hour long fight one night before we moved here because I told him I didn't want to move with him. I told him the same things that I'm feeling now, way back then, and we never really agreed to try to change things. It was just like 'Yeah, we had this argument and that's that' but we never sat down to discuss why.

    Then, back in March, we had another major fight to where I told him that the way he treated me made me feel like I'm something he scraped off of his shoe (in so many words). He mocked me as I was standing in front of him, basically pounding on the closet door.

    In the last few years, I've had fight after fight with him about how things haven't changed. They'll change, then go back to it about a month later. Even my 7 year old is acting the same way. It's taken my autistic 12 year old to start doing chores around here for me to have any sort of help.

    In the last few years, he's chosen to fall asleep on the sofa when he's not working the next day than to come sleep with me. He's never once helped me with laundry. He's never once helped me with dishes. He's never once helped me with any sort of housework, even if I'm running around frantically trying to finish.

    He even told me the other day that there are a million things that I've "made him do" that he doesn't want to do.

    His procrastination's really started to touch a nerve, too. We went in together to the bank to get his financial stuff shifted from one bank to another. There are still pieces of paper sitting on my desk that he needs to send to the pre-authorized payees that I cannot do.

    I do all of the bills. I do all of the taxes. I'm the one that makes sure that things stay straight around here.

    So yeah, people may believe that this is part of my depression. They may feel that it's just part of marriage. But, when one person's putting in more than the other and they get tired of it, that's when they realize it may be time to move on.

    I've told him that I want to go back to school. He denied me of that. I told him I wanted to go out East for my birthday and he denied me of that, even when I said I'd pay for it 100% out of my own pocket. He's denied me of pretty much anything that's made me independent in the past. I even took him with me to the tattoo parlor when I got one for my birthday, then proceeded to mock me for three days afterwards. Let me also add that as I am sitting here, my 7 year old is asking him, "Is playing Rift more important than me? It's not like it's a need, it's just a want." Now, what good is that going to teach my 7 year old?

    This isn't a normal marriage.

    I love him, but over the last few years, I haven't been in love with him. Love just isn't enough to keep this union together. I don't want my kids being raised in an environment where they see the woman doing all of the work and the man just sits around and does nothing when he gets home.

    I mean, Lord, the toilet we bought back in January is still sitting downstairs in the family room corner. I'm the one that had to schedule the dirt delivery. I'm the one that had to schedule the stump removal.

    I'm tired of being his maid, his accountant and his babysitter. I'm tired of being his cook and his butler.

    I'm just tired.

    It's been almost nine years of marriage. I feel like the last few years have been a waste.

  12. #12
    Registered User Nishu's Avatar
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    Wow, that sounds rough. I'm sorry. I still think that you should be getting some kind of help before you act. Walking away from a marriage is going to put you through a ringer even if it's the right thing to do. Your life is going to be semi-crappy for awhile whether you choose to stay or go and I just think it would be smart to make your mental health a priority.

    Good luck. I hope you get to feeling better.
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    I just wanted to cry as I read your post. I feel for you and felt in my heart exactly what you were feeling as you typed. I too am having problems in mu relationship. I coupon non stop and know that's my way of getting away from them. It keeps me busy so I don't have yo think about all that is so wrong.
    I don't have any close friends, I don't have any family, and I just feel so alone. I have tried and tried. To work on the problems with my boyfriend of 6 years and he always just blows them off like they don't matter.
    We have no intimacy, there is no communication other than him telling me about his job, or sometimes he talks to me about a bill. We use to talk all the time now its only business. Its the middle of August and we have only had sex 4 times this year. He wont go anywhere with me not even to run an errand. He wont go see a movie with me go out to eat...nothing. it always seems like he is mad. I use to try and now, I just coupon. I told him one day I feel so alone and because he always snaps at me I just listen yo him when he talks, but I don't initiate conversations any more.
    We have a 5 year old and I have a 17 year old from a previous marriage
    My kids are happy kids and any one who knows us probably thinks we have a great relationship because for the past 5 years we have been so good at hiding it.
    I stay for my son. We don't let it interfere with our kids, but its killing me inside.
    I know that I should have posted a new thread....I just couldn't stop. O feel so alone. Thanks for understanding.

  14. #14
    Registered User mh3rdwheel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by mountaindews View Post
    I just wanted to cry as I read your post. I feel for you and felt in my heart exactly what you were feeling as you typed. I too am having problems in mu relationship. I coupon non stop and know that's my way of getting away from them. It keeps me busy so I don't have yo think about all that is so wrong.
    I don't have any close friends, I don't have any family, and I just feel so alone. I have tried and tried. To work on the problems with my boyfriend of 6 years and he always just blows them off like they don't matter.
    We have no intimacy, there is no communication other than him telling me about his job, or sometimes he talks to me about a bill. We use to talk all the time now its only business. Its the middle of August and we have only had sex 4 times this year. He wont go anywhere with me not even to run an errand. He wont go see a movie with me go out to eat...nothing. it always seems like he is mad. I use to try and now, I just coupon. I told him one day I feel so alone and because he always snaps at me I just listen yo him when he talks, but I don't initiate conversations any more.
    We have a 5 year old and I have a 17 year old from a previous marriage
    My kids are happy kids and any one who knows us probably thinks we have a great relationship because for the past 5 years we have been so good at hiding it.
    I stay for my son. We don't let it interfere with our kids, but its killing me inside.
    I know that I should have posted a new thread....I just couldn't stop. O feel so alone. Thanks for understanding.
    Mountaindew I feel for you, if your unhappy and as miserable as you say I wouldn't stay not even for the kids. I stayed in a relationship for years and was miserable finally I left and was a lot happier.

    Good luck.

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    I'm going to go off topic, I'm going to respond to the original question, that is, how do you know when a relationship should be ended.

    For me, it's when the relationship brings more negatives than positives. This is the reason I no longer communicate with my family (and God willing, never will again!) I have PTSD, I was abused. My abuser used my family's dysfunctional behavior as a stick to beat me with, "If you were a decent person, they wouldn't treat you like that."

    Okay, I'm older. I can see that it's crap. However, my gut instinct, whenever my family is just its normal dysfunctional self is to go into a flashback, almost always. Most flashbacks only happen for 3 days, but pulling my life back together afterwards takes about 1.5 weeks.

    So for me the question became: is communication with these people worth 2 weeks every time?

    The answer was NO!

    So my family and I are "estranged" by my choice. I can't change the PTSD, I can't change that I get flashbacks. Their attitude is "there's nothing wrong with me!" so there's no middle ground; they don't think they need to change. No one is willing to change for the sake of the relationship or can't. They want what they want, when they want it, how they want it; and no matter what they say, they won't or don't really want to find a middle ground with me. That carrot has been dangled over my head for decades. My reaction these days?

    Good bye!

    And that took me a long, long time to get to, believe me!

    And I am MUCH happier without them in my life.

    Judi

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