Getting on the same page with DH

**Sagette** · 07-29-2011, 12:22 PM

I joined a few months back when I realized my spending was unsustainable and that my debt needed to be paid down. DH and I are both employed and actually make a sizable income. We have no children. DH has been the money manager of the family and up until last September when I finally got my first permanent job, my salary wasn't enough for me to even live on. DH has always been quick to let me know that the financial hardships we face are because of *my* spending. Never mind that he'll go out for a boy's night out and drop $200 without even blinking or has been to Yankee Stadium at least 4 or 5 times this season. Also, he completely minimizes my contributions to the household. So when I point out that I've been the one who regularly purchases groceries, he'll make it seem like they are so inexpensive that it's not a significant contribution.

I do have a large amount in student loans, an expensive car payment, and some credit card debt. I have been working on tackling the cc debt first using DR's snowball method. I tried to budget, but it's difficult to do when he isn't supportive. I basically try to budget for me because all he does it show me what needs to go out. He doesn't want to set aside money for categories. For example, he'll complain that we spend too much eating out, but he doesn't want to menu plan and do a weekly grocery shopping trip. When I tried to do this, he wouldn't always eat the meals I made so food went bad.

We have a joint account that I get my check direct deposited into. There have been several times, where he's told me he needs to take money from my account and he will put it back next week. When I remind him he needs to put back the money, as I have budgeted for that amount, he gives me crap about how he pays all the bills, etc, etc. He will put it back, but it always ticks me off. He makes it out to be like I'm being unreasonable.

I'm just tired and angry of taking the blame and putting up with his snide comments about my money management when his isn't much better. I'm tired of feeling like I'm putting in this effort and his idea of budgeting is to blame me. We went to counseling a few years ago and I wasn't crazy about our counselor. She basically came up with that it was all me and I needed to budget

**Contrary Housewife** · 07-29-2011, 04:58 PM

Can you put it all down in black and white for him. This is what you make. This is what I make. These are our bills. This is what you paid, this is what I paid. This is what you blew last month. This is what I blew last month.....

**Debbie-cat** · 07-29-2011, 07:43 PM

I think contrary housewife has a good idea. He needs to see things in black and white. Good luck!

**shoiji** · 07-29-2011, 08:16 PM

Definately start by showing him a spreadsheet stating what bills need to be paid each month and how much money is left over. Then showing how much is needed for food and household items.

May have to take it slowly since it sounds as if he is set in his ways and used to acting the way he is. Anytime he starts to say it is your fault you can remind him as nicely as possible that you are trying to change your way of handling money.

Hopefully he will start to change his mind. Sounds as if it might take a while for him to get used to the change. But being able to show numbers is definately a good way to help show him what can be accomplished by working together.

You might want to save all the receipts for a month or look at bank statements and credit card bills to total up a month's worth of spending. Then compare it to the other spreadsheet showing more of a balanced approach to the spending.

**Ceashels** · 07-29-2011, 08:28 PM

Sadly, it's going to be very difficult if he is keeping a score card of who pays what. I agree that putting things in black and white would be a good first step in displaying to the team what is coming in and what is going out. If he is doing all the bill paying and you are not involved then you need to get involved in that as well.

hugs to you

**Nishu** · 07-29-2011, 11:06 PM

Originally Posted by Sagette

I'm just tired and angry of taking the blame and putting up with his snide comments about my money management when his isn't much better. I'm tired of feeling like I'm putting in this effort and his idea of budgeting is to blame me. We went to counseling a few years ago and I wasn't crazy about our counselor. She basically came up with that it was all me and I needed to budget

The thing about this is that unless you're pretty good at managing your money, you probably don't know who's worse. In the past when I wasn't good at handling money, I had no idea where it was going. I could look at one or two things that my husband would blow money on and point to him as the problem, completely overlooking how I was screwing up. I'm saying this because one, you *might* be the problem, and two, because your husband's attitude is pretty much to be expected in your situation. If you're both stressed about money and you're both bad about handling it, then you're going to blame each other and that's just the way it is for every couple in the whole world. It doesn't matter who's worse. Blaming each other is probably the least productive thing you can do right now so please try not to get sucked into it.

The best thing you can do (in my opinion) is to lead. Look at his complaints and try work on what he thinks you need to work on. Make a list of all your debts so that he can see what you're working with. Offer ideas, try not to nag. Don't worry too much about who's to blame. You guys got in this mess together.

Re: groceries, it's actually pretty common that people underestimate how much they cost. If you ask people to guess how much they spend on groceries, you'll get some pretty ridiculously low numbers just because people underestimate by so much. According to the USDA, a 2 person household expense for groceries can be 700+. If you don't like him underestimating how much you spend, keep track of it.

--> http://www.cnpp.usda.gov/Publication...oodJun2011.pdf

If he doesn't like what you cook, try to work with him. My husband is a picky eater so this is something I've had to work on, myself. I ask him ahead of time whether it's something he'd be interested in eating and don't repeat anything that wasn't a thumbs up. I know it seems way to June Cleaver, but I don't enjoy cooking when people don't enjoy eating.

It kind of sucks but I think the weight of this is going to have to be on you for awhile. If your husband was here asking for advice, I'd tell the same thing to him. It will take time. If it makes you feel any better, my husband and I NEVER fight over money anymore. When I started focusing and make sacrifices, he followed right along.

Good luck to you.

**2_at_the_farm** · 07-30-2011, 08:37 AM

Or you could live like roommates - you pay for your expenses, he pays for his, and you split the rest of the bills in half. Get another checking acct and have your checks go into that. When he's out of money, too bad.

Although I echo what everyone else has said, there's a part of me that says 'are you sure you want to keep living with that controlling jerk?'

Sorry, JMO.