"Just for coffee", a friend annoying me!

**Contrary Housewife** · 11-02-2011, 08:13 PM

IMO if guy #1 "hasn't given her a commitment" then she's free to socialize with whoever else she wants. And just because he's sleeping with her doesn't mean *he's* being exclusive, either.

**McD** · 11-02-2011, 08:22 PM

Maybe she is following the standard, "why stick with one stinky pig when all I'm getting is a little sausage?".

**Libby** · 11-02-2011, 08:23 PM

Originally Posted by Contrary Housewife

IMO if guy #1 "hasn't given her a commitment" then she's free to socialize with whoever else she wants. And just because he's sleeping with her doesn't mean *he's* being exclusive, either.

Thats my take on it too - since she started seeing #1 - perhaps its an open relationship but since there's no one else right now, they're with each other a lot more often. The opportunity for #2 to enter the scenario has arisen and she'd like to test out the waters. Could this be her way of grieving? You know the saying - the best way to get over a man is to get under another one. (how that could even apply to replacing a husband I dunno) Maybe she's trying to be discreet about fooling around and lying to herself to make herself feel better. Maybe she's just trying to get her bearings for new 'friends' and other people in her life to replace the one she lost? Sometimes you meet people for one reason and they end up in your life for another. (ie those looking to date or for a spouse and then end up being best friends)

She is a big girl and capable of taking care of herself. She is fully aware that there are consequences for actions. Were you out of line by telling her what you think/feel? No. Real friends will tell the truth regardless if it hurts and/or if its what the other person wants to hear. If her behaviour is upsetting to you, maybe explain that you're not comfortable with it and would prefer to be kept out of it or not discuss it whenever you two meet?

**Nishu** · 11-02-2011, 08:37 PM

Originally Posted by McD

Maybe she is following the standard, "why stick with one stinky pig when all I'm getting is a little sausage?".

I'm sure if we work hard enough we can get a whole trio of farm animal puns out of this.

**oheoh's momma** · 11-02-2011, 08:48 PM

wow i am sorry u are entitled to your feelings and my morals are in line with yours. If I am sleeping with one man than I can not go for coffee unless it is friends with benefits no dating or romance. JUST SEX. Then in my opinion it is a different story. I think the rules are different now. Just don't judge her let it roll for your friendship if she asks say I would do it this way. But we are different people love u same.
AS far as the dating goes grieving is different for different people. My friend staring seeing a man the week her husband
died yes it was scandelous but she is happily married to him and has 2 kids. He worships the ground she walks on and her older daughter. I dated right after I left my first husband and was dating someone when he died that was strange funeral. hugs

**sinopa27** · 11-03-2011, 05:53 AM

maybe she already knows that her current relationship isn't going anywhere and she is just "window shopping" or "having coffee"

**frugalwarrior2** · 11-03-2011, 06:45 AM

Well,If they have decided its a commited relationship then she should say she's going for coffee. But a commited relationship isn't based on timeline but agreement.
However,if your her friend she knows your values and still brought you into it and can therefore expect your opinion. But I do feel that opinions can be tempered nicely too cuz your way isn't the only way kwim?
Personally,I think its more unfair to the other person who might be blindsided. Here he is coming for coffee w/ someone who already taken????

**McD** · 11-03-2011, 08:02 AM

Originally Posted by sinopa27

maybe she already knows that her current relationship isn't going anywhere and she is just "window shopping" or "having coffee"

You can be on a diet and still look at the cake.

I'm loving the opportunity to bust out all see euphemishs.

**frugalfranny** · 11-03-2011, 12:07 PM

Originally Posted by McD

You can be on a diet and still look at the cake.

I'm loving the opportunity to bust out all see euphemishs.

And I loved this one.............

Some interesting reading..........

agree with the posters that said don't expect someone else to live by your value system or morals.......if it is only a friendship (not talking about marriage partners here)

**krbshappy71** · 11-03-2011, 12:17 PM

Do you ever feel that not speaking up and sticking by the person is condoning their behavior?

I get hung up on this one, its probably because as has been pointed out, I put my morals/standards on others.

For instance, I had an online friend that was cheating (yes actually meeting up in-person with other online people I knew and cheating) with other online friends and I dropped her because I felt like I couldn't just stand by and listen to her stories, that I was somehow condoning and accepting the behavior by staying her friend. I still miss her, but I just didn't like being around that, and worried on some level that she would go for my man next. (my own insecurities)

I don't want to drop this current friend over this issue, I will try very hard to let it "roll off a ducks back" and change the subject if need-be. I'm wondering if that is accepting the behavior, though? In this case I guess the behavior isn't so terrible as others have pointed out to me.

**frugalfranny** · 11-03-2011, 12:28 PM

Originally Posted by krbshappy71

I don't want to drop this current friend over this issue, I will try very hard to let it "roll off a ducks back" and change the subject if need-be.

Sounds like you have already presented "your view" so why not a comment that you will 'agree to disagree' and don't want to talk about it anymore..............if the subject then comes up again you simply state what was said............that you wouldn't talk about it.

**Greebo** · 11-03-2011, 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by krbshappy71

Do you ever feel that not speaking up and sticking by the person is condoning their behavior?

In this case, silence is recognizing that their behavior in this matter has no bearing on you.

I get hung up on this one, its probably because as has been pointed out, I put my morals/standards on others.

This is a problem, however...

For instance, I had an online friend that was cheating (yes actually meeting up in-person with other online people I knew and cheating) with other online friends and I dropped her

THIS (you dropping the cheating scum) is not a problem. In this case, the friend (taking what you're saying above on faith) was deliberately violating a trust that she had with someone else. That's a very obvious violation of moral ethics. What your friend in the OP is doing, however, is not obviously "cheating" - because as you've already identified, there is no commitment between her and the current friend with benefits. She's got a "bed buddy" - which doesn't immediately mean "serious relationship".

Where you're getting hung up with the former is YOU wouldn't engage in the Shakespearean "making of the best with two backs" with someone *without* a serious commitment - and that is absolutely fine. With this friend, no commitment between her and bed-buddy means no harm no foul to either.

But with the latter friend - she's actually engaging in behavior that does definitely harm a per-existing commitment.

I don't want to drop this current friend over this issue, I will try very hard to let it "roll off a ducks back" and change the subject if need-be. I'm wondering if that is accepting the behavior, though? In this case I guess the behavior isn't so terrible as others have pointed out to me.

It's ok for you to say to her, "Well it isn't what I would do but that's not really anyone's concern as long as you're not breaking a commitment with someone else". It's just not okay to require her to have the same boundaries with her fun parts that you do.

**skybluepink79** · 03-02-2012, 10:41 PM

If guy#1 wont comit i cant blame her my husband was the same at first. Yes we were sleeping together and i was spending most nights there(saftey issue my ex kept letting himself into the apt. landlord wouldn't change the locks) kept asking me to move in as a roomate but say he didnt want a relationship. Took a mutile friend telling him if i found someone else i was intersted in he'd loose me, he asked me to be his gf next day

**Nana2two** · 03-03-2012, 02:06 AM

To each there own.Would I do it? NO but thats just me.

**Winkie** · 03-03-2012, 09:34 AM

It seems to me that when people are friends, they are respectful & knowledgeable about their friend's beliefs. If your friend knows that her "coffee" stories make you uncomfortable, (and you should have by now made that clear to her) then she is not treating you with respect when she shares them with you. She needs to leave you out of her "coffee" stories. In the same vein, since you know she is out there looking, it would be courteous of you not to tell war stories to her about some aquaintance of yours that is out whoring around right after her husband died.
It's not wrong to limit topics in a friendship. Each set of friends has to define the limits.