Dealing with DH negativity regarding faith/religion

[ml2620]

I've had a change of heart about faith and religion since my daugther was born 14 months ago.

I was raised in a strict Catholic household, I rebelled all the way. I'm not really interested in rejoining the Catholic church, but I find myself overwhelmed with gratefulness for whatever forces in the universe made me mother to this amazing baby. I find myself praying more than I ever have before.

My husband was raised suspicious and without religion, and he often makes unkind, unhelpful and negative statements about religion any time it comes up. I'm not asking him to become all Kum Ba Yah, but I do want the comments to stop and I do want my daughter to feel like she can explore her faith without my husband's constant negative dialog about it. And honestly, I'd like him to pry his mind open just a little bit about it. Religion is not all bad brainwashing. Part of what bugs me is he has no understanding of religion beyond his own negative stereotypes from the news.

I kind of even want to try another, non-Catholic church but I want my husband's agreement if I am going to involve my daughter in this process, and I don't even know how to approach it. Should I say I'm trying to build another community and resource for my daughter?

I'm rambling, I guess I am wondering how to get my husband to muzzle his comments and be a bit more open minded. A local church has services outside every Sunday afternoon, regardless of the weather and stewardship of the earth is a major cornerstone of the faith. I think my husband could be in to that, I just have to get him there.

[Greebo]

There are four major factors that affect the likelihood of success in a marriage:
1) Money
2) Religion
3) Kids
4) In-laws

If you and DH aren't on the same page with those four when you get married, you're in trouble.

And with regards to religion, you WERE on the same page, but you've changed your position. You've changed the deal on him, and now you're expecting him to be OK with it.

I would recommend seeking out counseling for the both of you to work through this issue. Resolving it on a message board just isn't going to happen well...

[krbshappy71]

If it helps at all, my mom is Christian but always felt she had to hide it because of my dad's strong anti-religion views, and she has for all these years. She just keeps it to herself, they have been married 50 years. My brother and I both grew up with frequent, extremely negative verbal messages against religion, faith of any sort, from my dad, my mom didn't take us to church EVER, avoided discussing it but we knew she was Christian because of certain discussions with her sister when my dad wasn't around. My brother and I are both of faith. We're not perfect, church-going folks but we are both good people in the community with a strong internal faith. So my point is that you don't necessarily need hubby on board.

People change, you have every right to change, but it kinda sounded like you are walking into this trying to plan how to change hubby and that's where I think you will have trouble.

[Spirit Deer]

Maybe you need to differentiate between religion and spirituality when you talk to him. I know a lot of very religious people who aren't very spiritual, and because of that I probably share a lot of your husband's views and understand why he might feel the way he does. I just have no patience with that kind of hypocrisy.

It sounds like you may be more interested in exploring your spirituality rather than adopting a particular religion. Maybe your husband would be more open to that idea.

[jas]

With age does come change nothing can stay exactly the same. I too was raised in a Catholic home, when I got older I knew I wanted to know what the Bible said and not from just the catholic point of view. It is the same bible.

Just because when you got married you felt one way about your faith and now you feel like you want to explore it more does not make it a deal breaker in your marriage. Your dh is obviously not in the same place as you are and may never get there, but that does not mean that you can't grow deeper in your faith. In the end we are all accountable for our own decisions on what we believe. You can't force him to change his mind, really all you can do is pray about your concerns.

Don't belittle him or come off as better than him because you are now in a different place spiritually that for sure is not the way to go about things. Hopefully as he sees positive changes in you he will become more open and curious as to what you are learning. Don't beat him over the head with this. There are specific ways the bible teaches a believing spouse to treat an unbelieveing one that is a good place to start. It does not even require you to "teach" him anything, just let him see by your actions and reactions.

Hope this helps.

[shoiji]

Maybe you can explain to your husband your desire to attend a house of worship and the reasons why. How it makes you feel, the community your feel, the desire to expose your child to a faith. It will probably take time for your husband to change his ways.

Growing up I remember a family where the wife and children attended church and the husband would not.

I do have fond memories as a child and church but no longer attend. But am greatful for the exposure.

[oheoh's momma]

I do not feel I have to give you any advice you have already received everything I would have said. Prayers for u and good luck. Hugs Pen

[nuisance26]

~People change how they feel about things all throughout their lives. I've never heard of anyone going into counseling because one partner wanted to be more spiritual. It's also true that you shouldn't try to change your hubby. If he's making cruel, direct comments about your actual faith practices than something should be said to him about being respectful of what you believe. He doesn't have to agree with your views but he should support your right to have them.
My in-laws are a spiritually blended couple. My MIL became Christian after a dozen or so years of marriage. My FIL is agnostic. Yes, he says things about religion frequently that MIL doesn't agree with. That's his opinion. He is respectful of what she chooses to practice though. The respect goes both ways. They are still happily married. It can work.
I know it can seem like everything critical that is said about religion and faith is a personal attack but it generally isn't. And unless you want to spend 90% of your married life clarifying every off-hand comment through tense conversations, you should let it go right now.
He might change his mind about things, he may not. That should never, ever stop you from pursuing faith. ~

[Ceashels]

I don't think a difference in spirituality or faith plays that much of a role in the success of a marriage. Respect for one's partner does.

You have every right and reason to explore your faith without negative comments from your spouse. If you ask him to not make negative comments about your faith then hopefully he will ..... this may take quite a few reminders so be patient and just remind him every time. "Please stop making negative comments about my faith." It is clear and concise and honest. Let him know that it hurts you when he does it.

I agree that you have posted your need to change him but I get the feeling you need to do the changing or you wouldn't be on this new path.

Enjoy your journey.

[frugalwarrior2]

My Dh was agnostic when we got married and I was christian but not very active w/ church. We were ok until the kids were older. I will say although he never disrespected my veiws that way there was still an issue. You see he didn't go to church so the kids rebelled following his example. I never was able to raise them in the church community and now resent it highly. Ironically he has re evealuated.
My point is counceling may be necessary. He is not supporting you. The kids will see the disrespect and copy. Prayers and hugs.

[Momto5RN]

my mom is a jehovahs wittness since before i was born my dad was agnostic ( not atheiest ) because he was angry at God for his moms death when he was 17 prior to marriage and early in marriage he was not involved in any church my mom was i think protestant when they were married.

Mind you this was in the 60s 70s when many moms were sahms -she was at home- he worked She did her thing- took us kids along to her meetings etc as long as she could - he didnt say anything for or against it when i was younger maybe a few comments when i stopped going ( when i was 16ish i stopped going with her ) my dad was at home doing what he liked to do .

my dh is catholic - very un-involved in his church when we met and married- i consider myself a non denominational christian because i basically follow christian ways in my faith but i do not believe any specific christian based religion is the right one . To me the idea God is sitting there saying one is better than another is amusing - its what people do each day not what church they go to that makes them a good person in my world .
Grew up with the this is the only right religion theme and it drives me batty . But i dont questions others beliefs unless they put down mine or try to force them on me .

after we were married about 6 years dh became very religious again . I let him do his thing - he doesnt push me to go with him or the kids . I go for special things when the kids have communions confirmations for family baptisms - weddings etc - i dont go up for communion etc but i go and i am respectful of his beliefs- just as he is respectful of mine .

i am often asked why dont i just became catholic- there are things that if i was a child baptised in the religion i may overlook but there are things i do not agree with as an adult ( confession to a priest etc ) that i cant go along with .

key to it all is respect .
and not just for the persons beliefs who is in a certain faith but also for the person who is not a believer in not trying to force ones beliefs on them . Dont try to force them to go to any mass regular or Christmas . Dont let it be a situation where you say its embarrassing if you dont go with your husband - Church isnt a social situtaion where one should worry about being judged by your spouse not being there> it meets an individuals needs .

basically when my dh stopped making comments trying to get me to go along with him- i had less reasons to make comments that may be negative that were why i dont go or want to go every week .

i dont think religion is a marriage issue as bad as it was 50+ years ago . Its all how you go about it .

Ask him kindly to stop with the comments and that he respect your religious efforts because it makes you feel better and more at peace with yourself . That is a win win situation .

[Greebo]

~People change how they feel about things all throughout their lives. I've never heard of anyone going into counseling because one partner wanted to be more spiritual.

That's not why I recommended it.

It's about learning successful communication on matters on serious, important matters where they don't agree anymore.

[Momto5RN]

to the poster above my previous post .
my oldest is a 23 yo has lived out of the home and now lives in the home again . even when away at college and to this day he goes to mass .
he has joined the Knights of Columbus and gets up 2x a month at 6am to help with hoagie sales for their fundraisers for the charities they help .

my 20 yo dd has a rebellious nature and felt that church was forced onto her - not her choice so doesnt really go now but that is basically where my dh was when i met him so you never know .
17 yo ds goes to church every week is very active in his HS youth group assists as a lector and/ or usher at youth masses-and as soon as he is 18 wants to join the KOC and is BY CHOICE go to a once a month bible study at the KOC.

younger two who knows for sure yet but the above happened with me not going with them to church .
if someone is interested in the religion they are if they arent they arent .
while having 2 parents may help them feel its more important its no proven sure thing and i dont think its good for a marraiage at all to resent someone for someone elses choices .

dh is one of 8 kids
oldest brother stayed with church never strayed
older sister goes on a regular basis but is not deeply religious
dh strayed and in his early 30s went back to it
of the younger 5 siblings _ 2 only do church for special holidays - one doesnt go at all unless something like a wedding / funeral- others go but not regularly its not a highly important part of their lives right now- their faith ,

this is from a set of parents who go to church every week made sure all 8 kids went every sunday - the parents also go on holy days you dont need to go , and often just go to the chapel for extra prayers when they have free time .

having both parents in agreement is no guarantee of anything .

i dont think its healthy for a resentment to be there and i would talk to a counselor or clergy about it to help you forgive ( even if not 100% true if you think it is you need to forgive it without expecting an apology ) and move on .

i watched as my dh trying to force going to church on our eldest dd push her away from it . i told him i could see it happening that to miss now and then for a decent reason ( bad cramps too much homework on a vacation ) is better then pushing her away . Nope dont listen to me - pushed her right away .

he is listening now with our 2nd daughter - so he doesnt make her resent church the way the eldest did .

[Darlene]

I don't think a difference in spirituality or faith plays that much of a role in the success of a marriage. Respect for one's partner does.

You have every right and reason to explore your faith without negative comments from your spouse. If you ask him to not make negative comments about your faith then hopefully he will ..... this may take quite a few reminders so be patient and just remind him every time. "Please stop making negative comments about my faith." It is clear and concise and honest. Let him know that it hurts you when he does it.

I agree that you have posted your need to change him but I get the feeling you need to do the changing or you wouldn't be on this new path.

Enjoy your journey.

Respect is where it's at, it's cornerstone of our marriage. Don't always agree but we do treat each other with the utmost respect, kindness and courtesy 99.9% of the time. Like Cea said, talk to him and let him know how this is bothering you.
One place my inlaws found some common ground was at a Unitarian Church. Hope you find what makes your heart sing.

[Nana2two]

I go to church without hubby. I believe in the bible and God. He is kinda Iffy on it. He never stops me from going or taking our daughter. But he some times makes little sly remarks .kinda like make its "Gods Doing" little things. I ignore it. I feel my example will lead him over time. Arguing gets no where.He was raised in the JW church and was forced to go up till he was 18 .