My husband moved out...and I want him back

[227melissa]

My marriage has been successful due to the fact we let each other be who we are, if my Dh wants to go have a drink after work well last time I looked he was grown so go. If the world series or super bowl is on you don't demand he goes to the mall with you. Not trusting is a marriage killer so is nagging about where you going, who were you with etc. Not speaking to some one or nasty texts that's kind of childish, communication is the key to a great marriage, you must talk and most important listen.
You are going to have to be an adult about this situation, go to joint counseling, you can't work anything out until you listen to the other side and accept that the marriage may be over.

[Rebookie]

My opinion and response will not be a popular one. I think you acted like a giant baby. You were being manipulative and bratty. If you love someone, you don't treat them like you did. I don't know what he did to you to make you act like this, but it's selfish. Of course you want him back, so you can your own in home emotional punching bag. Anyone in their right mind with leave the situation and hopefully never come back. I hope you don't treat your kids this way.

[Aqua Blue]

My opinion and response will not be a popular one. I think you acted like a giant baby. You were being manipulative and bratty. If you love someone, you don't treat them like you did. I don't know what he did to you to make you act like this, but it's selfish. Of course you want him back, so you can your own in home emotional punching bag. Anyone in their right mind with leave the situation and hopefully never come back. I hope you don't treat your kids this way.

I have to agree. I was the person who left a relationship like that and never looked back. We didn't have children, which might have made me willing to try harder to work it out, but once I was free and knew how wonderful it was to not be someones emotional punching bag.....

[Missourimom]

I just want to say I'm sorry you and your family are going through this and I hope things turn around for you.

[onemorrismom]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. These past few months have been like an emotional roller-coaster for me; and I know it hasn't been any easier for him. We are both still going to individual counseling and he left on December 15th. He's staying with some friends and is looking for apartments near the house.

Since he has moved out our relationship seems to be getting worse; not better. He seems uncomfortable when he sees me. He rarely looks me in the eye anymore when we are speaking.... I feel myself pushing him out of my heart to protect myself. I do realize that this may be the beginning of the end, especially because things are getting easier without him instead of harder. - at least most of the time.

And please know that, and I can't stress it enough, that the way I acted that precipitated this event is not my normal self. I am more of a doormat then an aggressor.

We were supposed to attend our first joint counseling session together on Friday. I had asked him last week if he wanted to start doing it again and he said yes. So I made us an appointment with the counselor who sees us in our individual sessions. He had an appointment with her on Tuesday, and I have an appointment with her in the morning - and then we were to see her together tomorrow night.

He emailed me tonight (Thursday) and said:

I am not going to the appointment tomorrow. The counselor is aware of this as her and I discussed it on Tuesday. I am in a different place than you are right now. You think this is not just a product of the Facebook thing and other stuff from that time. there is more than that, I am trying to work it out with the counselor and she thinks it is silly for us to come in together tomorrow. (this is the end of the email)

I, of course, agree that we should not see her until we are both at a place where it will be beneficial. I am doing more on my own now, going out, talking and meeting up with friends, spending quality time with my children, and going to the gym. I still have more growing to do and realizing that I was a clingy and needy person is not going to change me out of that overnight.

However, as I change and gain more confidence, notice that men are looking at me, feeling happier and healthier, I feel myself drifting away from him. I don't know if I can or should trust him with my heart again.

I worry that my backing away will be irrevocable, I worry that he will grow up to be a lonely old man, I worry that he is hurting now, I worry that I will find someone else to love who will be making sure that our children do their homework.

I just feel like I'm falling completely out of love with him... I miss being in love with him.

[Wendy99]

I don't think those are bad things that you are falling out of love at this point - I think you have to trust your heart. It's probably part of the healing process. You're going through a lot of emotions right now and the feelings you have today may or may not be the same feelings you have tomorrow. Keep doing what you need to do to heal yourself and your children. Your husband will worry about what he needs to do to heal himself and continue his bond as a father to his children. Don't concern yourself as to whether or not he will grow up to be as you say "a lonely old man" - just because things didn't work out between the two of you doesn't mean that he too won't find someone to love again. I'm thinking of you and hoping that things work out for the best whether that means separately or together. You will survive and enjoy life again either way

[bunnys]

I believe that every day that you spend apart not working with a counselor in marriage therapy sessions together with your husband to try and save the marriage, the less likely you are to get back together.

I consider marriage to be a very serious commitment and not to be entered into lightly or left lightly but with consideration and work both entering and exiting.

Those who abandon marriages without earning their way out (i.e., working damn hard for many months using every possible tool to try and save it) are behaving in a very self-centered, emotionally immature manner.

I believe that if you are childless and you and your husband want to behave in an emotionally immature and self-centered manner it's one thing but you said you have children, right? If this is the case you are doing a profound disservice to them and do not have the right to cavalierly abandon your marriage and have them pay the price for it.

Your comments indicate that both you and hubby are actively trying to disengage from the marriage. If you truly care about your children, you will try and save the marriage. (If there's a chance it can be saved and believe me, at this point your judgement of whether or not it can be saved is based on a pitiful lack of information at best.)

My recommendation is that you think about what I've told you in regards to the impact your behavior is having on your childern. Hopefully you will decide to contact husband and ask for a face to face meeting where you'll be willing to openly tell him that you want to honestly try and save the marriage for your children and family.

"However, as I change and gain more confidence, notice that men are looking at me, feeling happier and healthier." You're already looking at other men? Are you freaking serious? That's just what your children need right now, mommy dating. (Don't kid yourself or try and kid me. If you're noticing other men noticing you, you're considering dating.) That shouldn't even be considered until a year after your divorce is finalized.

I wish you luck. I do not think you currently have the scope to understand the consequences of your actions. I hope you are able to gain some perspective before you make the situation worse.

[Mamaw]

The only thing I dont understand is how you can go from wanting him back to falling out of love in less than a month?
In any case, I wish the best for your and your children as well as your hubby. Issues and relationships take time to heal, there is no quick fix but I think you might want to ask yourself if you really want the relationship to even continue? Best of luck to you

[onemorrismom]

Arghh! I don't want to date other men, I want my husband to come back. He's refusing to talk to me about anything about the relationship and I am trying to give him the space he needs to work things out...it's just very hard not knowing...this limbo state is killing me.

We are still in individual counseling, and I know that is a good thing. He is refusing to go to therapy together and our counselor said that if he's not ready to reconcile yet, then coming together would be a waste of time at this point. I'm grateful he's at least going by himself. If he can't be happy with me...then I want him to be happy in any way he decides to be.

My self confidence plummeted when he threatened to leave me for a month, didn't come home until 7 to 10am some mornings, and then actually moved out. Me getting my self confidence back shouldn't be a bad thing. I do want him back, but only if we can learn to be happy together - or he'll just end up leaving again. I don't think my heart can survive it.

[Paws]

However, as I change and gain more confidence, notice that men are looking at me, feeling happier and healthier, I feel myself drifting away from him. I don't know if I can or should trust him with my heart again.

I worry that my backing away will be irrevocable, I worry that he will grow up to be a lonely old man, I worry that he is hurting now, I worry that I will find someone else to love who will be making sure that our children do their homework.

I just feel like I'm falling completely out of love with him... I miss being in love with him.

My self confidence plummeted when he threatened to leave me for a month, didn't come home until 7 to 10am some mornings, and then actually moved out. Me getting my self confidence back shouldn't be a bad thing. I do want him back, but only if we can learn to be happy together - or he'll just end up leaving again. I don't think my heart can survive it.

Maybe I've just read this wrong, but it appears you're gaining confidence, feeling happier and healthier once you starting noticing men checking you out...something is definitely wrong with that picture...AND in this same paragraph, which is indicative of being in the same thought, you've mentioned you're drifting away from him and don't know if you can trust him with your heart...All this because of some men you don't even know, are looking at you...

You've been separated for LESS than a month, and you're already falling out of love with him...irrevocably drifting away-on YOUR end...trust issues...and you miss being IN LOVE with him.

The only way I can interpret that is to come to the conclusion you were...well for lack of a better way to put it...infatuated with him.

Food for thought, this is only my personal opinion and view on this, but true love just doesn't drift away when things don't follow along our perceived happy little path. True love doesn't diminish due to differences, a big bump in the road, or even if they aren't there physically.

You worry you'll find someone else yet wonder if he's going to be a 'lonely old man'..
Why would you think that? Don't you think you should be wishing the best for him even if it's not with you...After all that's part of what true love is all about...

Think about this...there is a big difference between really loving someone...and being in love with the idea of loving someone...
I hope for your children's sake, you two can come to some kind of mutual agreement.
One phrase I've learned to live by: If it's meant to be, it will...if not, it won't.
I'm going to be praying for you and your family...Best wishes.

[Libby]

I just feel like I'm falling completely out of love with him... I miss being in love with him.

Do you miss being in love with him or just being in love?

[melanies]

I know...I know. It was so stupid! But I also think, if he was really that unhappy, that at least I know now instead of later. If he had been harboring these feelings 'for a few months' (he said) then maybe it's more fixable now - then if this had come to a head a year from now. I can only hope. I have apologized and apologized for saying what I did.

I wish now I knew how important those things he wanted me to change were for him. I'm just not sure how to act around him now. He says he doesn't want this separation to end in divorce....but besides going to individual counseling and being there for the kids, I don't see him doing anything to heal 'us'.

I will mention to him tonight that during my individual session with our counselor that I could make the next appointment for us together. I hope he says okay....I just want us to be happy and for another chance together.

with all of the damage that has been done so far, sometimes its just best to do nothing and leave him the heck alone for awhile!

the reality is that you cannot force him to do think or feel anything.

i'm sure some people will disagree with me, but men are not like women. they will not react to things the same way that you do and communicate the same way that you do. hes going to counseling and hes being responsible, what more do you want from this man? these are very loving acts that i think you are diminishing because hes not doing things your way. show this guy some respect and appreciation!

[Gabe]

DPD?

Relationships
Individuals with DPD see relationships with significant others as necessary for survival. They do not define themselves as able to function independently; they have to be in supportive relationships to be able to manage their lives. In order to establish and maintain these life-sustaining relationships, people with DPD will avoid even covert expressions of anger. They will be more than meek and docile; they will be admiring, loving, and willing to give their all. They will be loyal, unquestioning, and affectionate. They will be tender and considerate toward those upon whom they depend.[1]
Dependent individuals play the inferior role to the superior other very well; they communicate to the dominant people in their lives that they are useful, sympathetic, strong, and competent.[1] With these methods, individuals with DPD are often able to get along with unpredictable or isolated people.[10] To further make this possible, individuals with DPD will approach both their own and others' failures and shortcomings with a saccharine attitude and indulgent tolerance.[11] They will engage in a mawkish minimization, denial, or distortion of both their own and others' negative, self-defeating, or destructive behaviors to sustain an idealized, and sometimes fictional, story of the relationships upon which they depend. They will deny their individuality, their differences, and ask for little other than acceptance and support.[12]
Not only will individuals with DPD subordinate their needs to those of others, they will meet unreasonable demands and submit to abuse and intimidation to avoid isolation and abandonment.[13] Dependent individuals so fear being unable to function alone that they will agree with things they believe are wrong rather than risk losing the help of people upon whom they depend.[14] They will volunteer for unpleasant tasks if that will bring them the care and support they need. They will make extraordinary self-sacrifices to maintain important bonds.[15]
It is important to note that individuals with DPD, in spite of the intensity of their need for others, do not necessarily attach strongly to specific individuals, i.e., they will become quickly and indiscriminately attached to others when they have lost a significant relationship.[16] It is the strength of the dependency needs that is being addressed; attachment figures are basically interchangeable. Attachment to others is a self-referenced and, at times, haphazard process of securing the protection of the most readily available powerful other willing to provide nurturance and care. Both DPD and HPD are distinguished from other personality disorders by their need for social approval and affection and by their willingness to live in accord with the desires of others. They both feel paralyzed when they are alone and need constant assurance that they will not be abandoned. Individuals with DPD are passive individuals who lean on others to guide their lives. People with HPD are active individuals who take the initiative to arrange and modify the circumstances of their lives. They have the will and ability to take charge of their lives and to make active demands on others.[17]

[ame="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dependent_personality_disorder"]Dependent personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia[/ame]

[cwaltz]

that you are coming to these boards and discussing the relationship with strangers that do not actually first hand know you, your spouse, or the dynamics of your relationship with the counselor?

I'm sure people here mean well. That being said, the best thing for you to do is continue to discuss this with your counselor who has likely done a more thorough job understanding the dynamics of you as an individual, your spouse as an individual, and the function or dysfunction of your relationship.

[Stacia]

Thank you all for your kind words and advice. These past few months have been like an emotional roller-coaster for me; and I know it hasn't been any easier for him. We are both still going to individual counseling and he left on December 15th. He's staying with some friends and is looking for apartments near the house.

Since he has moved out our relationship seems to be getting worse; not better. He seems uncomfortable when he sees me. He rarely looks me in the eye anymore when we are speaking.... I feel myself pushing him out of my heart to protect myself. I do realize that this may be the beginning of the end, especially because things are getting easier without him instead of harder. - at least most of the time.

And please know that, and I can't stress it enough, that the way I acted that precipitated this event is not my normal self. I am more of a doormat then an aggressor.

We were supposed to attend our first joint counseling session together on Friday. I had asked him last week if he wanted to start doing it again and he said yes. So I made us an appointment with the counselor who sees us in our individual sessions. He had an appointment with her on Tuesday, and I have an appointment with her in the morning - and then we were to see her together tomorrow night.

He emailed me tonight (Thursday) and said:

I am not going to the appointment tomorrow. The counselor is aware of this as her and I discussed it on Tuesday. I am in a different place than you are right now. You think this is not just a product of the Facebook thing and other stuff from that time. there is more than that, I am trying to work it out with the counselor and she thinks it is silly for us to come in together tomorrow. (this is the end of the email)

I, of course, agree that we should not see her until we are both at a place where it will be beneficial. I am doing more on my own now, going out, talking and meeting up with friends, spending quality time with my children, and going to the gym. I still have more growing to do and realizing that I was a clingy and needy person is not going to change me out of that overnight.

However, as I change and gain more confidence, notice that men are looking at me, feeling happier and healthier, I feel myself drifting away from him. I don't know if I can or should trust him with my heart again.

I worry that my backing away will be irrevocable, I worry that he will grow up to be a lonely old man, I worry that he is hurting now, I worry that I will find someone else to love who will be making sure that our children do their homework.

I just feel like I'm falling completely out of love with him... I miss being in love with him.

I hope you find someone really nice who will treat you well! No one here can judge you based on a few paragraphs on a forum they can't possibly know both sides of the story from a few posts. I'm sure your probably feeling sad and lonely and I feel awful for you, change is so hard. It causes an enormous amount of stress when someone just leaves like that. I hope things will get better for you!