My Dad Isn't Going to Take This Well!

[daughter of pearl]

So my mom died 10 years ago, and left me with my dad, and my kids. We're small and dysfunctional, because we are the only ones. No siblings, no cousins or aunts and uncles.

My dad has known butvnot acknowledged for years that I am a lesbian, has met some ofm partners and was polite, even though left to his own devices, and in the privacy of his family, he can be pretty homophobic and hateful.

He has really had a "don't ask, don't tell" mentality where my lifestyle is concerned, but things are about to change.

My girlfriend and I live in Canada, and we what to get married. Everyone we have told is thrilled for us...everyone: colleagues, friends, my kids, but the problem is that I am convinced that if I tell my dad, it will ruin our relationship.

He is 84, and I am 48, and it is important to me that I have good relationship with him.

I don't know what to do except pray. Any advice?

[Spirit Deer]

All you can do is talk to him about your plans.

That's a tough one. Good luck.

And congratulations!

[brenda67]

You have kids?

[Lady_V]

You have kids?

I know a lot of women who have children, either through adoption, insemination or, previous relationships with males...

Now, what to do about Dad... there are a few ways to go about it. You already said he's less than pleasant with your life... YOUR life.

1) Be honest and tell him - he will either be happy that you have found someone you love enough to want to spend the rest of your life with.... or he's going to be a miserable about it (but, he's miserable about it now anyways)

2) DADT - don't tell him, but you will live on eggshells wondering when the shoe will drop.

3) Tell... after - if you are having a small ceremony, you don't have to invite anyone you don't want to, especially someone you know is going to cause you to cry... for all the wrong reasons.

It's tough, but don't be afraid of hurting the relationship you and he have... he's your father, but it already sounds as if it is damaged because he doesn't support .you in your choices. You can't be as open and honest and EXCITED as you want to be because you can't tell him without fear.

Whatever you decide, make sure it's YOUR decision.

Congrats on the engagement and pending wedding!!!!!!

[Ceashels]

Like Lady V said, he will chose to feel however he wants to feel about it. You "inherited" him but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your life for his happiness (and it doesn't sound like the don't ask/don't tell has worked all that well anyway).

You have to live your life for your well being, do so joyfully and let him live his. It will mean big changes but that is what fills our lives. If different arrangements need to be made for him, so be it.

He can chose NOT to have an issue with who you are and still be miserable or happy, you can NOT chose to be heterosexual to please him and be happy yourself.

I am so glad you found someone you want to spend the rest of your life with. That is truly awesome. Congratulations!

[dancemommy]

Congratulations! I was out with a friend last night who has a daughter who recently became engaged to another woman. They are both 22 and my friend has known her daughter was gay for a few years. She is very open minded and has plenty of gay friends and she loves her daughters choice of SO. However, it still is a challenge at times. Her challenge isn't moral or anything like that- it is more of her being concerned for her daughter who is likely going to face challenges along the way due to her lifestyle. I think when she first found out she wasn't surprised, but it did take a little while for it to sink in. I guess what I take from that is that even the most open minded person may need a little time to adjust and may have concerns just out of love- not out of morality. If I were you, I'd tell my dad and tell him soon. Give him plenty of time to deal with his emotions. And see if he can work his way through them. It would be horrible to have to hide your life with the one you love from a close family member. I hope he is accepting. Be prepared for his initial reaction to be shock- but hopefully he can get past that. Good luck to you!

[mombottoo]

Congrats to you & your partner. Have no advice concerning dad...he's 84 and he's not likely to change his mind at this point in his life.

[bent]

well done you. when's the wedding?
we can all say what we would do in your shoes but we aren't in your shoes- call a family meeting and lay down YOUR RULES. if he chooses not to comply then that's on him> no homophobic remarks around you, your kids your partner, he keeps his opinion to himself unless asked (never ask lol), don't invite him nor include him in your ceremony.

does he live with you?

ok so here's what I don't understand: I'm sure you love your dad very much (you can love someone and not like them very much) but why are you letting him dictate your happiness. so what if he doesn't approve 'it's the way he was brought up' (bull hocky) your not living your life the way he wants and he takes his shots when and wherever he can. (don't let him) are you needing his approval? if so, why? so what if he doesn't approve of your choices its not up to him to make you happy- hon, life's to short then you die...
If it were me he's already be cut from my life after the first slur against my partner. you can't choose your family but you can choose whether or not to have relationships with people who are toxic to you. sorry your dad's a dingleberry but you don't need him to be happy or his approval your an adult so do what's best for you. I'm sure he never considers how his words affects you, your children or your partner.
I went 8 yrs not speaking to my father and he lived less than 10 minutes from me- 8 yrs later I saw him when he came to my work- I hugged him and he didn't recognize me (sure I'd lost wgt but dang that bothered me for a bit then I got over it) anda yr not speaking to my mom who was less than 3 minutes from me-(over a boyfriend who later turned out to be the other half of the DNA that made her grandchildren) . do i regret the decision to cut him from my life NO. it was what was best for me. do what's best for you...

[Darlene]

Life is too short to be anything but true to yourself.
"Dad I found a wonderful woman I love dearly and we are getting married. If you'd like to be there to share in our happiness we'd love to have you." Any negative thoughts & feelings he has are just that, his...don't let them mar your joy.

Congratulations and how wonderful to find the love of your life. Celebrate!

[Libby]

DOP Congrats!! I'm so happy for you!!

Simply put, if I were in your shoes: I'd share the news, let him process and then revisit the topic via one on one convo a week or so later (or next visit). If he starts spouting negativity, just tell him why you told him in the first place - you want him to be happy b/c YOU are happy and would like him to share in your joy on your special day. Simply put, if he's going to be negative, do not be afraid to let him know he's not invited. And that you wanted to let him know what was going on so he's 'in the loop' and heard it directly from you vs someone else via hear say.


None of this: crap. You're both adults. Another thing you should reiterate (if he goes the negativity route: you're still his daughter and the relationship between you two have not and will not change.)

[many houseapes]

Now that you are an adult, your life choices are your own & not your fathers. He doesn't have to condone your choices, but to not accept you as the person you are would not say much about him as a father.
My beautiful daughter finally came out & told me that she had chosen the gay lifestyle. She too was hesitant to tell us b/c of our beliefs. Something died in me that day..I felt heartbroken. Do I agree with her life choice? Absolutely not. But I would never, nor could I ever disown her as my child and for the wonderful person that she is. We are still very close & she visits every few days.
Your daddy will be in shock for awhile, that is normal...give him some time.

[frugal is fun]

I have no advice but congratulations! so very happy for you!

[Missourimom]

"Dad I found a wonderful woman I love dearly and we are getting married. If you'd like to be there to share in our happiness we'd love to have you." !

This sounds perfect. However, I agree that at his age, he most likely won't change his mind and of course, that is his right too.

[forHISglory]

It's a tough situation. You need to be very respectful of your father's beliefs. I'm not agreeing with him being ugly about things, but he IS your father, and there needs to be respect there. If he does not want your partner in his home, then respect that. If he won't come to the wedding, then respect that. Don't expect him to change his mind, or his moral beliefs. It won't happen. It is heartbreaking for a parent to find that a child is gay. The parent has had years of dreams and visions for that child, has tried to raise that child with certain standards and values. When they see that dream world come crashing down, they carry a load of guilt. I would expect any child of mine who chose this lifestyle to honor my values in my home, just as I would expect anyone else in my home to honor my values.

Don't be surprised if he doesn't already know or at least have a suspicion. However you may choose to live your life, please, just respect him.

[leighcat]

Congratulations!! Everyone has already given great advice so I guess I don't have anything to add lol.