I need some help I think
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  1. #1
    Registered User mom23boyz's Avatar
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    Default I need some help I think

    Well Dh and I have been together 16 years, 10 of which we have been legally married but living as if we were married for the last 15 years. For the first 4 years I worked when DS1(11) was about 8 months old I stopped working. I worked part time jobs here and there up until about 4years ago when I worked full time for awhile( about 3-4 months) until DH had me quit as our schedules weren't fitting with daycare. I started working 2 and half years ago fulltime. I was fulltime until October when I decreased my hours down to 6 a day. It helps pay the bills but its part time. I have had severe chronic migraines for the last few years and they have really been put of control the past 6 months.DH suggested I go part time cut back on my stress, including my DS's 11,10,9 being latch key kids. Its helped along with daily meds for the migraines. Anyway point is DH throws the fact I only work part time in my face all the time. Tonite I realized that no matter what I do its never enough to make him happy.Hes never satisfied. I am so frustrated. Help me what do I do?

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    Sounds like he's angry but can only snap at you in a general way. Can you two have a calm discussion about whats REALLY going on with him without him getting defensive?
    “When you get to the end of all the light you know
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    Registered User bumplett's Avatar
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    sounds like he's frustrated with his life a little, maybe even a little jealous - I think a good heart-to-heart may help

    Good Luck
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    Registered User PrairieRose's Avatar
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    I'd catch him in a good moment, go somewhere where you can be alone for a couple of hours and tell him you want to map out a plan to make a difference. Talk to him about how you know how stressed he's been, how difficult things are for him, how hard HE works, etc.... first. (if you approach someone from the point of view of how things are going for them first they're more likely to listen when it's your turn) Ask him what he sees as the solution. Does he want you to go to work full time again? Does he want you home? Can't exactly have it both ways and it's really-really stressing you out trying to figure it out on your own. Take a list of your bills, what you make, and see if you 2 can figure out a budget and how to get the snowball plan going to pay off any outstanding debts. I think most stress is caused by feeling 'out of control'. Once you put a plan in place and start sticking to it that feeling diminishes over time. You begin to feel more powerful and it grows with the snowball. I think he's feeling helpless and victimized by life right now. You've got to let him know that you're behind him, no matter what. Once he understands that you don't think he's less of a man b/c of the situation he'll most likely perk up and be ready to take on the world. Men are more easily discouraged and depressed by life (imho) than most women. Remember that this is only temporary but love is permanent. Hang in there.....it will get better once you take 'it' by the horns. One step, one day and sometimes one minute at a time.

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    JEM
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    I work 2 jobs right now and we plan to really budget and focus on bills this new year. But when I first started the 2nd job dh would grumble about making dinners, doing laundry, etc. Not a lot but enough where I asked him very nicely if he wanted me to quit one or both and just stay home. Thats when the grumbling stopped. My dh just needs to be constantly reminded that it is temporary and we are in this together.
    So I would do that in this situation remind him that it is temporary! Your kids won't always be young and need daycare and teach everyone early to help out in the household chores. Yes everyone can help out even though you are home this way there won't be a lot of stress when you do go back to work.
    ALso reminding him how much is being saved by you staying home wouldn't hurt!
    HTH

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    when you have kids ,then you work more than full time!! dont let how he feels make you feel bad. To me my kids are my job and the best job I can be doing is taking care of them. Hang in there and tell him how you feel and how it makes you feel when he says stuff like that to you.
    Melinda

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    Registered User Mom23boys's Avatar
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    I would try to get your Dh alone where you two can have a rational conversation. Tell him your wants and needs and listen as he tells you his. He may be feeling overwhelmed too.

    Good luck!

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    Default new to post.. kinda going through this same thing..

    and I think I may need some help.

    To make a long story short my little boy turns 3 tomorrow and since he was born he has been quite a handful, colicky, chicken pocks, thrush and now he discovered the temper tantrums as well.. the problem is my husband chooses to say I am a bad mother because I get frustrated and my son cries all the time and wants his own way. I feel like a single mom..even though I am marriered, I do everything for my son, and yes I yell and get frustrated its because I feel like I am alone in this relationship. I have 3 step kids and they have given us a difficult time the last year (they were fine before) and now my husband is upset about them living with his ex ...but I always get the brunt...Can someone please tell me if I am a bad mom, for losing my patience and being tired and frustrated cause I dont know what to do anymore. I need to focus on gettting my son and I .. and I am just hurt .. someone tell me what I can do.. I have tried to talk to my husband and he just does not get it says it me.. its always me.. thanks in advance. Nellie


    I am up for any advice as well..

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    Registered User Mom23boys's Avatar
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    Nellie, you are not a bad parent. Your DH needs to take responsibility too. You should not be trying to raise your son alone when your DH is in the picture. Is there someone who can watch your DS for a little bit so you can "escape" from motherhood when you are stressing? Even if you have to take a break and go for a walk around the block alone, do it. It will save your sanity.

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    Registered User MOMMYDEAREST's Avatar
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    i was in the same boat as you a few mths ago.....i totally understand how you feel. my dh would make me feel worthless, finally i let him know exactly how i felt & it really hit him in the face. you being home is a fulltime job + more. sounds to me like a talk is needed NOW!!!!! good luck keep us posted!!

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    Registered User banana's Avatar
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    I would find a quiet moment where the 2 of you can sit down and talk. I'm sure you both will feel better once you both explain to each other how you feel. Work out a plan so you are working as a team.

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    FV Buddy aka Kellie Bob Jerseygirl's Avatar
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    I, being extremely tempermental and generally downright bitchy would keep a little log of just what each of you does on a typical day, which I assume, like most men for him is work, come home, eat, scratch, sleep etc. Next time he says you only work part time show him the amount of hours you work each day-in and out of the house in a typical week, and the amount of hours he works, I bet you do more.

  13. #13
    Registered User nwmissourigal's Avatar
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    Working, being a mom and being a wife can be so overwhelming. Life gets in the way and we forget to live life. The small things become mountains and then they turn into grudges and so on. It is time for quiet time with each other and good conversation. I agree with prairierose that in talking with someone that you love, you need to be compassionate and not accusing. I know it's hard especially when you are feeling hurt and angry. But unless you tell your spouse your needs and expectation it will be hard to move forward. It could be that there is something else that is bothering your spouses that doesn't even involve you but you are the closest whipping post. But being told that your a bad mom is hurtful and must make that know that it really hurt your feelings. Talking is best, but if it gets to heated walk away until you are calmer....hope things get better...Blessings...Kathy

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    Registered User i.m.cheap's Avatar
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    I can sympathize. I have been a SAHM for just about four months now. DH still makes comments about me "going back to work". I just gently remind him of all that I do at home, and ask which tasks he wants to assume so that I can return to work. He does nothing at home other than reluctantly mow the grass in the summer months. I do EVERYTHING else, including washing the car, taking out the trash, taking the car in for service, paying the bills, doing the taxes, grocery shopping (with coupons!), cooking, cleaning, washing all the dishes (by hand), laundry, ironing, taking dd to the Dr. and dentist, taking the dog to the vet, decluttering and holding an annual garage sale, shopping the thrift stores and yard sales for clothing and other items, and HOMESCHOOLING. Guess what? When I remind him that he would be assuming some of those chores in order for me to return to work he changes his mind.

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