Have you ever been disappointed in your dh
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  1. #1
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    Default Have you ever been disappointed in your dh

    Not to slam our darling husbands, boyfriends, girlfriends, companions, or whatever. I just wanted to start a thread on how we all deal with disappointment in a relationship. You know being let down, or they talk but not the walk, actions speak louder the words kinda thing. I hope this makes sense.

    I feel let down since I had our baby. I thought my dh would be more involved then he is. We talked about it a lot before. It seems he is not willing to give up his lifestyle, but I *have too* type of thing cuz I am a mom. Like he is out bowling with the guys tonight. Every week. He says he does not want to let the guys down. God forbID! I guess it is easier to let me down then them. *sigh*

    Of course then there is "I punch the clock for 50 hours a week" type of thing. " I need a break."

    "Oh yes, yes my dear" I just work 24/7 with raising your child (my step child) and our newborn, laundry, cooking, no sleep, etc, you get the picture. " I should never ever need a break, because............... I don't bring a pay check home!!!!!!1

    Okay that was a vent. Sorry. Maybe I got the lonely housewive sydrome or something. Thanks for letting me vent.

    So how do you deal with disappointment.

    Your turn....

  2. #2
    Registered User halloweenfreak's Avatar
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    i get that way too. EVERY week, sometimes 2-3 times a week, my husband is in a fishing tournament or goes 'pre fishing' for a tournament. and i feel 'stuck' at the house taking care of our son. when was the last time i got to go out on my own and have fun? im guessing it was 5 years ago when cooper was born... but then i feel guilty for feeling like that cuz i know he works hard all week. he tells me i can go out whenever i want to, but i dont cuz i feel like im abandoning them. and then i get mad again because he doesn't feel that way when he leaves. its a vicious cycle.

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    I spent most of my marriage complaining about how little I was appreciated and how little time my Dh spent with me. I was a SAHM and felt like I had no life. It got me nowhere and it really put a wedge between Dh and I. Now, Dh works 2 jobs so I can stay home again. (I went back to work when the kids entered school and worked 70-80 hours a week) Dh's attitude now is much different. He WANTS me to stay home and doesn't throw the 'well you don't work' thing in my face. We have a mutual respect that we didn't have before. When I began treating him differently, like praising him for working so hard to provide for us, he puffed up and walked around with pride. It has really helped our marriage. Also, I don't plan on seeing Dh, so when he comes home, it's a surprise and a pleasure! The kids and I find things to do to keep ourselves occupied (the park, the library, window shopping, go for a walk, rent a movie, go bowling, go skating, go for a hike, make funny videos with the webcam, etc. When Dh calls to tell me that he's not coming home when we had expected him, I'm not upset. When I get upset, it upsets him, and usually makes for a really bad day/night for him.

    Don't get me wrong, Dh can really tick me off, but it's not as often now, and I recover from it much quicker... lol

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    Registered User TheRootedNomad's Avatar
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    I've learned to be vocal when disapointed. Sometimes putting it out there puts it in perspective for DH and though never apoligizing agrees to not repeat the behavior. Sometimes it makes me angry on top of disapointed because he becomes defensive or doesn't get it. Most of the time I can let these things go after I've vented about them. The things that repeat themselves over and over again I continue to voice but know that it's probably not going to change. If it bothers me enough I go through the "why are we still together list?" Every time I realize I've got it pretty good as far as spouses go.......and boy would I miss him. We've had a couple of times in aprox 16 years as a couple that it's taken me some time to get back to that thought but it always comes.

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    Registered User Dancing Lotus's Avatar
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    Ya something dh disapoints me. Like when We make plans and he works instead. I cant really complaint thow becuase after all he is working to provide for me.


    Im also I little ticked that we havent had a vacation of any kind in years becuase we cant afford it. But next month he is takeing a week off to drive a truck up north for his mom. Then he is going to stay and visit family and whatnot.

  6. #6
    Registered User jamie79's Avatar
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    With dh in the Army its like hes been married twice although hes only been married once. I say the Army is his first wife and I am his 2nd and she gets what she wants before I get what I want. Its true but I cant complain too loudly as thats what he does for a living
    yes dh disappoints me sometimes and I am sure I have disappointed him too in 21 plus yrs. When he does I tell him about it. Does it change? Not always but somethings men just have NO CLUE about and I could get mad and stew for a long time or just let it go. I let it go.

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    Registered User sdrjeolsen's Avatar
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    HUGS going out to you. Adding a baby to the family definately changes the relationship dynamics. In my experience, guys usually don't get it unless it is put out there in plain english for them. I used to never say anything, just wanted to be the good wife, and I thought he would eventually get it, but it seemed I just got more and more angry and he was just his happy clueless self....which made me angrier. I learned to open up and talk to him and found out that he really didn't realize he made me feel that way. Not only that, but he didn't want to do things to make me feel that way, he just didn't know he did. I learned a communication technique that worked very well for us. It enables me to say things without pointing fingers or blaming him, so he didn't automatically get defensive and put up a wall at the begining of the conversation. That is, "When you ________ (insert whatever it is that bothers you) that makes me feel ________ . So you are letting him know that its the behavoir that bothers you and not him.
    Another thing I do is to remember that I do things that bug him. A friend jokingly told me (but there is a lot of truth here) that marriage isn't to make you happy it is to make you holy. I extend a lot of grace and mercy to my dh because I want that in return. I will tell him, "you probably didn't realize this, and I know that you would never intentionally want to make me feel this way, but when you...."
    I try to read a lot of books on marriage and relationships. A good one is "The five languages of Love" by gary chapman (he has one that pertains to the parent/child relatinship too) it will really change your family dynamics. Its a wonderful book, your library ought to have a copy, if not you can request one through an intralibrary loan.
    Hope things get worked out and talked out. Wish it wasn't so, but relationships are like a garden they need constant watering and tending, but when it is weeded and kept up the fruit is wonderful!

  8. #8
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    Oh yeah, often lately.

  9. #9
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    The thing that frustrates me the most is that I communicate with him so much in every area. I always praise him, serve him, etc. It is almost like I have to have some 'nervous break down' for him to get the hint of what I need or trying to explain to him, for him to get the point. Ya know. I don't want to be that way. But geez, just listen the first time. lol

    I guess there is that old joke that women communicate better or express their feelings better than guys do. lol. Sad but true.

    But on a very good note. We had a long talk. He is not going to bowl the rest of the summer so that he can be with us more. I never asked him to stop....I was just sharing how he is never around....can have some kind of life and I can not.. Plus sthe money part was a factor.

    Don't get me wrong, we have a good marriage and I am mostly happy. It is just that kind of stuff that can bring a wife down. Hope this made sense. Thanks for all that shared.

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    Registered User annymoll's Avatar
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    Being a wife and mother is a wonderful job, but boy! is it a busy one.Maybe you could hire a sitter for a short period and go out together to do a few things you like. When I was a new mom I loved to get out together, even if it wasn't for long.

  11. #11
    Registered User FrugalMomof3's Avatar
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    I know how you feel and lately I feel let down alot, even for the slightest things but most of you ladies probably know why Either way being a wife and mother IS a full time job, men think that it doesnt bring in money so it doesnt count (sometimes), lol.... dont get me wrong but sometimes men dont think about things like that unless someone else is saying it where he hears it.

  12. #12
    Registered User WigWamChic's Avatar
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    Okay here is my dissapointed rant. My DH works offshre , he makes in 3 days what i make in a month , he is away from home for 28-52 days at a time , home for 14 , and thinks running a small buisness balanceing the housework , grocery shopping when i have to get rides from other people and takeing care of an 8 month old is all just fun and games. *sighs* while i have been saving and scrapeing buy on nearly nothing for months , believe that when he told me that he was saving for out house , it has been 10 months now , 10 months with no new clthes a rice based diet with very little meat , cheap toiletpaper , horrid exsperinces in baby diapers , living on next to nothing, cuttingback exspenses in my buisness....

    just to find out instead of saving for a house ,OUR money has been paying off his debt , fixing his car (instead of buying mine), CD's DVD's , car repairs (n0n essential , and cosmetic work). Nothing in OUR EF , No money toward a house or land...

    Then when he gets home , he thinks its just his time off and that 1 day a month is time off enough for me to be just fine. (dare i point out that i take care of our son by myself no sitter , no money fr sitters full time on top of running my buisness)

    Now that is dissapintment.
    Sometimes i am just dumbfounded.
    and sometimes i just go outside cry a little and reminde myself that he just isnt that bright. (maybe true maybe not , i dont even know anymore)

    I have everything in hand for the most part , the rest of you seem to have it pretty easy.

    Maybe , just maybe my misery can make someone feel better in some off way.

  13. #13
    Registered User Cricket1's Avatar
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    Yes, DH disappoints (see my latest thread about this!! LOL). We're human and we all disappoint in one way or another. I am a very vocal gal so when he disappoints me, he hears it loud and clear. That usually straightens things up for oh, say, 2 hours. LOL. Usually like two days and then he slip-slides back to the way he came from.

  14. #14
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    I love you guys! I mean just for being honest. Life is not perfect. We all have our struggles.

    I would love to respond to each post, but I don't have time.

    thanks again for sharing and being honest.

    I might just pull up a chair here and spend more time. ( that is if I have some.. lol)

    I feel better now.


  15. #15
    Registered User missyali's Avatar
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    I hear you about having to have a near nervous break down. Unfortunately my oldest (4 yr old) gets my crabbiness the most (when it's really dh that I am crabby with). I have simply come to the point where I plan things with the kids and let him know. having been left out of a few things really got him involved. Also, asking him to do something specific around the house approximately once per week has really increased his involvement. Unfortunately, I let it get really bad. Hope some of the tips from the great ladies here help before you guys get to the end your ropes like I did.

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