MIL - How to deal with her Rant...

[Mamaw]

MIL - Everybody needs a few of them..... DH and I are leaving this weekend for a vacation with my DD and DS and the DGD. We all pitched in and rented a beach house. My son and daughter dont see each other often so this should be a nice time for all of us. Unfortunately my MIL can be very difficult and lately has managed to push most of the family away with her demands, complaints and opinions. I honestly believe she suffers from a mental illness as everything in the world must revolve around her at all times. The majority of conversations with her involve discussion someone elses life or problems, with her offering her advice and opinions on how to fix it all. And if you choose NOT to take her advice, you are in deep trouble and continually nagged at, etc. Anyway, none of us felt that we wanted to invite her on vacation with us as we just cant take a week of hearing her opinions and being told what to do. In addition, the constant complains and directions make us all plain old tired. today MIL realized we are leaving this weekend and is taking a fit. Making lots of nasty remarks. We did not keep our plans a secret but neither did we discuss it in great detail in her presence. I am trying to prepare myself as I know she is going to give me a hard time about this. She has already told my sister in law, that she has several smart comments to make and she made several remarks already to my DH. On the lines of " what, did you think I was going to come with you? " The bottom line is that she DOES think we should take her on vacation and/or anyplace else we happen to go. What would all of you say to someone who does this to you. I should add that I do not feel the need to take my parents on vacation with us nor have I ever done so. Frankly, I dont choose to spend a weeks time with my MIL...short visits are fine...dinners out...shopping...etc but not a whole week of it. Advice is greatly appreciated!

[sdrjeolsen]

Sorry, MILs can be such a pain sometimes....okay, most times. Hope my remarks aren't too strong.

Well, I would try to take the high road and just ignore her, remarks and all. You realy don't owe her an answer. If you feel you have to say something to her, you are already on the blacklist, I think I'd tell her that this is a vacation to which she wasn't invited, and that there may be a another time that you will invite her to something, but for this time and this occasion, it is just time for you, your dh, your kids and dgd. I'd tell her that nothing is stopping her from taking her own vacation and doing what she wants in life, even planning a wonderful family vacation for her all the rest of you. If she wants to have a trip with the family, let her plan one for another time, but you planned this one. If she wants to get offended over it that is her choice, but you also have a choice and your choice is to go without her. Why should her chioce always trump yours?

You really don't owe her an explanation or a trip. If she wants to take a trip, she can take one herself and go when and where she wants. I'm guessing that no one made you the vacation/travel agent of the family, hehehe, so don't feel obligated to her whims. She is trying to pressure you and make you feel guilty, but don't let her control you. This is time for you to enjoy yourself and your family. Even if she was a wonderful person who was pleasant to be around, you still have the right to go and invite whomever you want. Just my 2 cents worth.

I've had to stand up to my MIL and it is never fun, but she usually backs down when I explain to her in a firm way. She just wants to get things her way all the time. It can be so frustrating. She really can be a nice person, but she also wants everything to revolve around her plans and desires...maybe its that age...gosh hope I don't get like that when I age.

[AnnK]

Sorry no good advice from me. Just wanted to give you a big hug.

[bumplett]

I think Denise said it perfectly ~

[PrairieRose]

It's all about boundaries. The way I finally set up my boundaries was to stop either directly or indirectly asking for approval. That's it. Once you do that, you take the power away for the person to try to control you. You have a life, ofcourse you're concerned and want to be part of her life and vice versa but you do have a separate life that you're entitled to. Make no excuses, give no explanations. Just tell her what you're doing. Like it or not. Don't argue with her, there's no point. She'll eventually get better, but probably never completely better. She's probably always going to complain about you to someone who will listen. Tell them you don't want to hear it anymore and don't share her complaints about others with them. Period. It works I'll tell ya.

[orlivin1225]

I have an MIL that I can't even be in the same room with. I couldn't even imagine going on vacation with her. I'm so happy that I'm now in another state so she can't stop by unannounced and expect me to invite her in. But... I'm not bitter or anything... lol

On that note- your MIL is an adult. She has probably manipulated her children their whole life to get what she wants from them. (My poor Dh finally saw this from his mom about a year ago) I think going on a vacation without MIL is completely fine. If it continues to get tense around her, maybe Dh should sit down (it should be DH and not you since it's his mom) and explain to her that he is going on a vacation with HIS family. If you've been married long enough to have a DGD, she should have realized that DH has a family of his own now, and she doesn't need to be included in every aspect of his life.

[frugalfarmwife]

Prairierose your advice is so wise! I only wish I could live up to that level with my inlaws, unfortunately they annoy me so at times and then set the situation up where I often "pull the dogs tail" just to annoy/get even, I really need to learn to be above that!

Mamaw all in all I agree with the others, you are an adult, this is YOUR family, and if something does need to be done than if at all possible it is your husbands place to say something, it's his mother.

best of luck!
kj

[Cricket1]

I would just ignore her tantrum and have a fabulous vacation.

[Mamaw]

Thank you all so much! I think I just needed to have someone tell me I was not being a selfish, spoiled brat! And that I was not crazy! Thanks again all