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Divorce really may be the only answer

8K views 57 replies 51 participants last post by  Monner 1 
#1 ·
:dis:Yep its true....I think it may be it. I can not keep doing this with my DH. The alcohol ALWAYS wins and my kids are beginning to lose everyday.Hes agreed to get help but doesn't and ends up back to his old ways and i cann't deal with it. sigh...theres soooooo MUCH more to all of this for tonight but i feel drained. I just needed your shoulders as usual...THANX:shake:
 
#28 ·
My thoughts and prayers and with your and your children. While my DH isn't an achololic, he is addicted to other things, which makes me question our relationship...

From me to you: You have to do what's right for you, if that requires leaving him, save up some money on the side and should the time arise when your ready to go you will be set for a while. :hugz:
 
#31 ·
I second Al-anon or if there is a Celebrate Recovery program in your part of the world they are a great program. ((((hugs)))) Life with an addict is hard. Sometimes the quickest way to get them into recovery is for us to change the way we deal with them. Stay strong!
 
#32 ·
I'm soooo sorry! I know this pain first hand, having lost my husband to drugs and another SO to alcohol. Both are wonderful men WHEN SOBER!!! Unfortunately, addiction is a disease, not a simple choice. Equally unfortunately, you have to decide on a safe and healthy lifestyle for your kids and your self. That may well be one in which he has little interaction and opportunity to do harm. BTW, I'd have told his family "No, he's a mean drunk. I'll just take the kids and head on out of here, and you all can deal with him since you don't think it's such a big deal."
 
#34 ·
I'm so sorry you and the kids are going through this. We're all here for you. :grouphug:


--Michelle
 
#36 ·
I have inlaws who are alcholics or have drug probs. And the worse part is mother inlaw id indenial, her kids dont do anything wrong. yeah one of those kind lol
Im sorry that your going through this, I know how u feel coming form a recovering alcholic father. And belive me their are many scars. But Im all grown up and dealing with it.
Just try to get some help where ever you can. My mother lives with it for 7 years, then he quit. But those years I will and the family may forgive but never forget.
hhugggsss to you dear!!!
 
#37 ·
Lots of good and kind advice here already, so I just wanted to add to the posts, to put yourself first, and remember, you can't change him, only he can change himself, and you have your power to make changes for the better in your life. Love and prayers being sent your way!!
 
#38 ·
I'm so sorry. I grew up with an alcoholic father.

Your IL's really take the cake. PLEASE don't pay any attention to them, they sound nuts.

Al-anon does help. but if you think the situation is only going to get worse, maybe it's time to find you and the kids a new beginning, and get out of there.
 
#39 ·
I am so sorry you and your children are suffering due to this. You have my prayers.:hugz:
 
#40 ·
I have been where you are now. I moved out this summer. He and I tried to work it out, but it didn't last. Do what you can for you and your children. Get any help that you can and get out. He will never change. The best of luck to your family.
 
#42 ·
My ex in-laws lived in denial,too and were NO help with my drinking (ex) husband. He will never stop drinking until he ultimately destroys himself and everyone around him.

I decided not to subject myself and our child to that kind of life. So glad I got out when I did and I wish it had been sooner. Good luck to you.
 
#43 ·
I'm in recovery - second time around - I have 10 years. I grew up with all my relatives drinking, there are still two cousins who are still using, along with my brother.

You can't change him, you can only change how you react to him. Living with an addict is insanity. His family are what we call enablers.

You need to put yourself and your children first. His life decisions are his and he can make them by himself.

Run like the wind darlin. Go to Al-Anon.

My mantra, I say this probably 50 times a day "Give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference".

Blessings to you and your children.
 
#44 ·
HOw's it going, Mom2 3 boys? :listen:
 
#46 ·
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your children. I know you mentioned that he locked you and the children out of your house on Easter, but has he ever hit you? I have a BIL who used to lock his wife and kids out of their house when he got plastered. It wasn't long afterwards though, that he started beating her, breaking her arm, and he even stabbed her in the leg one time. Please, get out while you can. He will never change. If you and the children meant anything at all to him, he would have already tried to get help, but he hasn't, so he doesn't care.

Everyone in BIL's family (except dh) was on BIL's side too. They still baby him and feel sorry for him and he doesn't even try to have anything to do with his kids, even though they are all grown with their own families. The family knows he is wrong, but they say "Blood is thicker than water!"

Your responsible for the well being of your children and putting them and yourself at risk by remaining with him is dangerous.
 
#47 ·
I'm just wondering how everything is going? You haven't posted on this thread in a while and I've been thinking about you.

If you and the children meant anything at all to him, he would have already tried to get help, but he hasn't, so he doesn't care.
I wanted to comment on this as well - while I do believe that you and your children could be in danger and you need to be prepared to deal with that - it doesn't mean that DH just doesn't care because he won't get help. I grew up in an alcholic family - my dad is a severe alcoholic and I know my brother and I mean absolutely everything to him, but he continues to chose the alcohol over us - its a self esteem issue. My dad cannot accept that my brother and I love him for him. He doesn't feel deserving of it because of how he's treated us and my mom (parents are now divorced), so he goes out and drinks more - then he feels even more guilty and less deserving - is a vicious cycle. My dad has tried more than once to get sober, but the alcohol always wins. Most alcoholics have very very low self esteem and they often have depression issues. I am NOT trying to make excuses for him and I do NOT think you should stay with him for any reason if you ever feel you are in danger (and I'm sorry, but it looks like it might be headed that way) - however I just wanted to add another point of view.

It devestates me, but I've learned to accept my dad for who he is, not to depend on him for much and to keep my distance a little. I still love him very much.
(((BIG HUGS)))
 
#48 ·
I am sorry you are going through this. I don't believe in divorce but in cases like this when the person has been given chance after chance and always returns to the bottle then divorce may be your only option. I don't think he has hit rock bottom yet. He has no desire to change because he knows you will always be there to catch him. And his family is doing nothing but enabling him in his disease.
 
#49 ·
Been there & put myself through twenty four years of misery not realizing his drinking was not my problem & I wasn't the cause of it. Don't feel guilty about doing what you need to do for yourself. You can only change yourself ....not him. It is a disease & habit & until HE decides to get help & change it's broken promises, & hearts,etc. are what you get....as they say in Alon...don't be afraid to "rock the boat" ! My prayers are with you...!
 
#50 ·
Oh Hon:grouphug2! Coming in late here(I'm back on the board, and catching up with all the old posts)...do you have an update? I have been where your CHILDREN are...please do what you have to do, to show them that THEY are the priority for you. I'm very thankful to see that you don't have a daughter....some of the most severe damage in these situations happens to the eldest daughter in the family.
While I know you love your kids more than life itself(and your dh probably does too)...they are learning the lessons that 1)conflict is to be avoided at ALL cost 2)it doesn't matter what you need/want...it might upset dad and it's isn't worth it 3)I can't have friends over like the other kids because I never know what I'll find when I get home...if he'll be acting like an @$$ or if he even went to work today 4) Women work like dogs, doing it all...while it's the man's job to lie around, rule the roost, and work if and when he's up to it.
I am sooooo sorry you are going thru this, and I know it's scary. I could smack his family, but that is also classic enabling behavior. They have probably been justifying the behavior of alcoholics through the generations...or, they think it's "What people do" when everyone gets together....overeat, drink, and act like a buffoon.
Only you know if this is a marriage worth saving...so, as others have said....get yourself and your kids in Alanon and Alateen. Both you and your boys need to learn that YOU did not cause this, he does not drink "because you made him mad", that their mom is not a nagging b*tch who won't let a hardworking man wind down at the end of the day, and that this is NOT the way typical families act. Please give an update!:cheerup:
 
#51 ·
Well I have stopped replying because I guess I am a bit embarassed...I have stayed. Now of course things are better and we basically keep to ourselves here. I do still think about life on my own without the headaches but I love him, the kids love him and I really don't want to be without him. I honestly couldn't afford to be on my own. So I guess when we are in the "honeymoon phases" I am content.For now this is where I am....thank you all for your support.
 
#52 ·
Don't be embarassed. You must do what you feel is the right thing.

I do encourage you to go to Al-Anon. It would be good for you, even when things are going good.
 
#53 ·
I'm happy things are a little better for you but I would prepare myself just in case you change your mind like keep a stash of money hidden somewhere in case you need to leave. Also keep a copy of important records like birth certificate and social security numbers. Important stuff like that. Keep a plan in your head of what you need to do in case you ever decide to leave. I hope it never happens. I hope things stay good for you because I know you love him.
 
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