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Thread: Input needed (LONG)
03-23-2008, 09:08 AM #1
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Input needed (LONG)
You are all brilliant and I'm hoping you can help me with something. I have a "friend" (maybe aquaintance is a better word), Kate. Kate is very nice one on one, but in social situations, she will stop conversations and walk (practically run) at break neck speeds to people that I'll call "social climbers"--these are the people in our town that APPEAR to have it all--the best of everything. I think Kate is a wanna-be. We started a bookclub together and invited some other friends. A few months ago, when my mom was in the hospital, another member told me that I needed to think long and hard about whether or not I could be in the book club because I had missed a few meetings ( I was visiting my mom a lot). I left the book club because I didn't have time for it. I was a little upset that Kate never stood up for me--especially when I told her that I felt I was bullied out of the club. I also had an issue with another social climber's kid this year and I called the social climber on it--Kate was mortified that I confronted her.
Kate has kids that are my kids ages that have been in the same classes. Her son, Brad, used to play with my ds #1. DS came home a few weeks ago from school and said that he had tried to play with Brad on recess and Brad was playing with another boy that was mean to DS and told him to go away and that they didn't want to play with him. Brad did nothing (he's only in the first grade so I'm not expecting too much) and DS went away. DS told me that the kid Brad was playing with is a mean kid. I told DS to keep his distance from Brad when he was playing with the "mean" kid because he didn't want to associate with him. I explained that "mean" kids will get into trouble and will bring his playmates down with him. Other than that, DS has only had two playdates this year with Brad.
I have also seen DS and Brad at the same activities and they don't really talk and play like they used to. I think they just have different friends now. That happens.
Here's the problem--I keep seeing Kate everywhere lately. She keeps asking me when we can get the boys together. I really don't want to. I'm nice to her when I see her in public, but I'm sick of her stuck-up ways. She has emailed me about two specific dates that her son is available for playdates. I asked DS if he still plays with Brad and he says no. When I ask him what he would say if Brad asked him over for a playdate, DS says that he would go.
What would you do? Should I let him go? Should I just say that we can't make the playdate? Am I letting my feelings for Kate influence whether or not the kids get together?
HELP!!! I appreciate any advice. Thanks!
- 03-23-2008, 09:39 AM #2
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Sorry to say I have no good advice for you. I am going through a similiar situation with my friend. She too is a social climber and now that our kids have started playing soccer she just ignores me when we are at practices. My husband noticed it the other day and was wondering what that was all about. Then she calls the next day like she has no idea that what she is doing is wrong. I have decided to just try and distance myself as best I can. Good luck.
03-23-2008, 09:57 AM #3
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First off, is Kate someone you can talk to? and I mean seriously talk to? If so, can't you explain how you are feeling and the way your DS is feeling and what is going on seems to be happening in both friend relationships?
I honestly think if Kate is a friend she will listen and understand. It's not that your jealous or dont want to "hang out" with her anymore, it's just that the things you see her do are actually hurting you inside because you probably see a bad ending to all this, that you really DONT want to se happen.
I personally have withdrew from many friendships because of a persons bad choices that I did not want to be involved with nor did i want to be influenced into doing.
I think you should talk to her.
03-23-2008, 11:16 AM #4
idk it won't really solve your problem but you could tell her that DS isn't really interested in play dates right now, and maybe they should just see each other around.... at school and such
it shouldn't hurt her feelings really, at that age kids can be fickle and it doesn't mean anything
and DS isn't under pressure to play with someone he doesn't want to
as for her other behavior... if she isn't someone you trust to sit down and have a GOOD talking to, I would just let it drift away, be unavailable, "forget" to return phonecalls
she will eventually either get the picture, or stop trying
I guess it seems kind of childish, but I know a lot of people who sound a lot like her, and sometimes they can take a well intentioned conversation, and turn you into a bad guy to everyone at your kids school etc..
maybe that's not her, I've just seen it happen..
I'm sorry, I don't feel like that was all that helpful
03-23-2008, 11:50 AM #5
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I would not take that approach. I would be straight forward, tell her how you feel and let the cards fall where they may, If she acts like this she is not really a friend and you dont have much to lose.
03-23-2008, 11:53 AM #6
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I personally would let the boys play as long as you never sense that Kate mistreats your son in anyway. If she wants to act like that and make a fool of herself by trying to kiss up then there's' nothing you can do to change that but you don't have to be 'associated' with her antics by hanging around her all the time. BUT otoh it's not the boys' fault. So I'd let the boys decide to be friends or not being very careful to not say anything about her in front of your son (kids are soooo honest you know, and sometimes offer info without much prompting).
03-23-2008, 12:36 PM #7
if your kids benefit from that in any way and keep the meeting FOCUSED on the kids, not your feelings for her...
and keep any interaction with her shallow, don't tell her everything, just focus on the kids if them being with her kids is to any advantage to your kids.
I have friends I don't like too...
I guess at one time I did but in getting to know them my freelings about them changed and maybe I lost respect for them in some way...
but I still talk to them and treat them fairly...
just limit my time, involvement with them and keep the details of my personal life out of the subject of conversation.
Most people have many aquaintances in life, sionce you dont like her anyway, she may be a good person to practice "aquaintance friendships" with.
Most people we meet and get to know are not going to become close best friends... thats just life....
so learn how to deal with aquaintance friendships...
they can be beneficial.
In my opinion.
Last edited by M55FF; 03-23-2008 at 12:38 PM.
03-23-2008, 03:27 PM #8
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Wow! That's a tough one! If Brad isn't playing with your son at school and your son isn't playing with him then they probably aren't really friends any longer. However, since you did ask your son if he would go on a playdate to Brad's house if invited and he did say yes I would go ahead and let him have playdates with the kid. If you get the feeling your son isn't really welcome, then you can go from there.
Maybe you could invite Brad to your house...
03-23-2008, 05:49 PM #9
I am going through a similar situation with a family member. I do not really like this family member, but our boys get along so well. It is always like being between a rock and a hard place. I still haven't found my comfort level with the situation so I am interested in these responses.
03-23-2008, 09:27 PM #10
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Thanks for your input! I think I'm going to let ds play with Brad. As for Kate, i think if I sat her down and talked with her about everything, she would get very defensive. I've thought about this a lot today and I'm just going to let it go. She's not asking me out--she's asking for our boys to get together. I know that if ds was there, she would be nothing but nice to him. It is simply not her style to be mean to a child. As for our friendship, if she is someone that I don't feel like I can always count on--I don't have the time and energy to maintain that friendship. If I always feel "dumped" for someone on a higher rung--I don't need to keep putting myself in that position.
As always, thank you!
03-24-2008, 01:53 PM #11
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I think it's great you are going to let the 2 boys hang out or play together, it's the right decision but as for Kate, I wish you would speak to her BUT if she were to get all defensive then honestly she isnt a friend at all.
I have one friend whom I talk to about things all the time and the way she does things and how I tell her things she needs to change, she doesnt get defensive at all (nor does she change) but she's a true friend who listens to me, even if she doesnt taked my advice.
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