I call my ex, "the meatball" it was a safer nickname when we divorced than calling him nasty names incase the kids were around!! So, here is my explanation and question!
When my 12 year old was 8, she started acting out, bad enough that she got herself in some heavy trouble! After talking one on one with her I learned that the reason she was doing these things was to get her bio father to pay attention to her! So, I called him, explained what she had been doing and her reasoning for doing it. I let her talk to him, he followed my advise of "just shutup and listen and let her get it off of her chest" She did, proceeded to tell him, "because you never call or come see us I dont feel like you love me and I thought if I were in trouble I could make you care"
It broke my heart to see her feeling that way, but her telling him made things so much better for her, even though when he told her not to feel that way because he DID love her I should have known he was blowing smoke!
Now she is 12, she catches and confronts him in his lies everytime and she handles his crap pretty well. Now my 9 year old turned 9 on Jan 13th, since her birthday he has called here 6 times, and of course he has promised her I sent it, I'm sending it, blah, blah, blah! And of course, it has never shown up!!
She has been acting out this summer pretty bad and I finally got to have a one on one with her, that of course led to the same convo, " I thought that if I were in trouble he would come see me or call me more" she told me, " even when we do go see him, he is always spending his time with Robin ( the girlfriend) we get stuck with her sister or the other kids and he dont even know how to get me my meds for my allergies when he makes us stay at their houses" She is asthmatic and allergic to grass's and other plants! She says, " when I try to be with him, he just ignores me for Robin"
Now I have always wanted him to have a good relationship with the kids, but when they are acting out because of the things he does or does not do and I have to see the pain in their eyes when only the oldest got a birthday present and the 2 little ones get nothing, I wish he would just leave us alone all together instead of insisting to call every 3rd month and dissapoint and lie to them again!
I was just wondering if anyone might have some advice for me on how to handle this in another month when he finally decides to call and lie and fill them with bullshit again! I am envious of friends who raise their kids and the absent parent just makes themselves perminently absent, it really kills me to see my kids hurt because of his childish favoritism. Even now when my 9 year old and I walk to the mailbox's she still says, " I wonder if my birthday present from Daddy will be there today"
It's been 7 months, I dont think it's ever gonna get here, do Y'all?
I'm sorry. I don't have any knowledgeable advice, just wanted you to know I feel for you and your poor children. Hopefully another mom who has been in that position will come along with good suggestions. Hugs to you all!
(I can't imagine being that young and waiting for the mail for this many months because daddy told her it's coming. That really just breaks my heart )
When he calls again I have been talkin with many people about this, I think I am going to make him the offer of a lifetime....I am going to tell him that I will drop the child support case if he will just leave us alone perminently. My only worry is he wont do it out of meanness simply to have someone in his life to lead on and screw over!
My kids and I talked and they just want their stepdad, they are tired of his crap too!
I'm sorry you and the kids are going through this, my ex is like this too. It sucks for them.
My 2 cents? I wouldn't give up the child support. The kids deserve it, whether you need it or not. They are entitled.
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I'm sorry you and the kids are going through this, my ex is like this too. It sucks for them.
My 2 cents? I wouldn't give up the child support. The kids deserve it, whether you need it or not. They are entitled.
LOL I dont nessecarily want to give that up, it was the only barganing chip I have to possibly get him to leave us alone!!
I also dont HAVE to have the $, and I know he does owe that to them, but he has not paid any in over 6 years now and the state wont do a damn thing about it so I figured, what the hell, who knows it might work lol!!!
My biological father was completely absent and it didn't keep me from hurting so that isn't really going to solve your problem. I never acted out or anything but I do remember as a small child feeling like there was something inherently wrong with me. I didn't have a name for it at that time but I understand now that after being rejected by someone who is supposed to love you no matter what that I just felt completely unloveable. KWIM?
The best advice I can offer you it to let your kids know that the choices their father makes are pictures of his character not what they deserve. I would also let them know that he isn't a bad person (even if he is a rat b@$tard) but that he has his own issues and flaws, that he is human. This is really important because kids, again even if they can't name it, often feel like if a parent is bad then they must be bad as well, after all it must be in their DNA. Help them seperate his soul from his actions... not an easy task but it can be done. (Eckart Tolle's A New Earth is a great resource on this particular topic).
I learned to forgive my biological father, to see him as just a man with his own issues that, even though they affected me, were independant of me. When I got to this point the other stuff fell into place; I didn't feel bad about myself anymore, I didn't harbor fantasies of the day we would meet, I didn't lay in bed and wonder about his "other family". I just let it all go. I think the best thing you can do for your kids is to help them do this. After that the contact they choose to have with him will be based on real undrstanding of their own needs and desires instead of anger or fear.
I'm actually kind of glad I learned this lesson from my biological father because now when people are upset (family memebers, bosses, spouse, friends, etc.) I have a very keen ability to see what part of it is about me and what part is really about them.
I also have to say that I had a hard time talking with my mom and adoptive father about these things. It seemed too hurtful. If you have a close friend whom you trust implicitly I would arrange a day out for this friend to talk with the kids. I would also make sure that the kids know that your friend will not share information with you that they want kept confidential... this is important so they can be completely hones and why you really need a trustworthy friend.
This man is a genius when it comes to reaching kids and helping them heal and helping parents know how to help that process. I would suggest looking at the info on the link above and buying his book.
In the end, you can't change your ex... you can only change the way you respond to him. PM me anytime if you would like to talk to an adult who has walked through the valley your kids are in... and come out the other side wiser and stronger as a result. Good luck.
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I really don't have any advice, even though my ex does this occasionally. I just wanted to let you know that I will say a little prayer for you and your daughters.
Good luck.
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Robbin
Mom to Katey
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We took my dnephew to counseling to help him deal with his anger issues. 10-12 is the prime time for this to come up and to deal with it! I hope you can get some of this settled.
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What to do with a Meatball?!?!?!?!?!
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