What to tell my son?

[AmyBoz]

You've gotten some great advice here, and I have nothing better to offer!

However, I do have a question, and forgive my question...I'm just curious, based on what you said. If you told him that you wanted him to have nothing to do with you or the baby, why does he have to pay child support in order to get a medical card? You chose to have him not involved...how can they now make him pay in order to get a medical card?

I mean no disrespect...I just don't understand the system.

[helen82]

Thought I'd try to get some fresh perspective...perhaps from people who have been in similar situations.

My son is now almost 10 months old, but I assume that when he gets older, he's going to ask about his father, and I'm not entirely sure what to tell him, or HOW to tell him.

His father and I dated briefly, and it was apparent from the start that this was not someone I cared to even be around. He was a compulsive liar and had a laundry list of bad habits that I didn't care to deal with. We broke up after only dating for 2 weeks.

Somehow, in that short period of time, and through two methods of birth control...I had just switched to a new pill, like, two days before, so I can see how that failed...I conceived my son.

I told my son's father I was pregnant, and showed him the official blood test results. He immediately wanted to get back together. He was excited about the baby, and wanted me to move in. I told him that was NEVER going to happen, lol. So...if I didn't want to have anything to do with him, he didn't want anything to do with the baby. Within days, he had moved back home, out of state, and within weeks, was allegedly married--we found that out because he forgot to block my sister from his FaceBook and MySpace pages.

I have no desire to ever see him again, and could care less about whether he is in my son's life or not. My son has his godfather, who is my best friend. He acts exactly like a daddy with him...he even helps me out financially, and loves my son as if he were his own. My son also has strong male role models in my dad, my nephew, and his godfather's father (my best friend's parents are also extremely active in my son's life, which is a blessing).

Child Support Enforcement is after him currently, since I had to comply or my son would lose his medical card. However, they haven't had any luck. Our hearing last month was canceled because he was never actually served and is apparently running.

I want to be completely honest with my son, but don't think that is necessarily an appropriate conversation until he gets older. I don't plan on badmouthing his father to him, but I don't want to idealize him, either.

What would be an appropriate age for the 'real talk,' and what should I tell him when he's younger and starts asking about why he doesn't have a dad?

In your situation, I would tell the son when he can speak. I think you should tell him the reality as soon as possible. May be, in the age of 2 years or over, he doesn't understand your story, but he can be familiar with the life without father and he will not be shock at this time. Hope your family be happy and healthy.

[Lady_V]

Be honest... without being cruel. "If 'daddy' is a bad person, I will be a bad person too" is not something you want your son to carry around with him.

I had concerns about discussing the adoption with the Diva as she got older "why didn't my other mom want me" type of questions. I decided to hit things head on and just incorporate the adoption in to our lives from the get-go.

I never hid anything, nor did I constantly bring it up. It just IS. In her bookshelves were the Bernstein bears, Winnie the Pooh, Sesame Street... and also books that had adoption. We didn't call it a 'special book' or an 'adoption book' it was a book, a story... just like everything else.

Now... with that being said, you may want to look in to books that cover having an absent parent...

While playing house, Erik is prompted by a questioning friend to ask his mother if he has a daddy. She tells him that he had a daddy in the beginning but that he left. She further explains that some parents get married and take care of their children together, but that she and Erik's father never married because they were so young. Erik's mother emphasizes how much she wanted him and how excited his daddy was when he was born. The story ends with the boy's mother reminding him of the important role his uncle and grandfather play in his life. The text is written in a positive and nurturing manner, and lets children know that there are many different types of family situations. An informative section for single parents on ways they can deal with this issue follows the story. The illustrations are somewhat stiff and amateurish, but do an adequate job of visualizing the text for young children.

[ame="http://www.amazon.com/Do-Have-Daddy-Story-Single-Parent/dp/1885356633"]Amazon.com: Do I Have a Daddy?: A Story About a Single-Parent Child (9781885356635): Jeanne Warren Lindsay, Jami Moffett: Books@@AMEPARAM@@http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/61VJRDX52QL.@@AMEPARAM@@61VJRDX52QL[/ame]

[Judi Dial]

I have very little to add I'm afraid. I grew up in a single parent of the opposite sex household, in the 1950s and 1960s when it was downright WEIRD! A lot of the reason it got to me was that the models (TV) and all of my friends had both parents. These days, your son will be in a normal situation, not a weirdo like I was.

I will say that because my mom wasn't around (she died) that I idealized her and the life I might have had with her. When I was 12 or so, my 1/2 brother (we share a mother) sat me down and explained what it was like to grow up with a mom who was a drunk and an hysteric. I really wasn't ready to hear it, as I'd idealized her so much, and all but didn't speak to my brother for about 3-5 years!

So the only thing I will add is make sure that your son isn't idealizing what would happen IF his dad was around, that can cause problems down the road. Age appropriate, yes, honest, certainly, no trashing, yes, but also don't let your child put the missing parent up on a pedestal.

IHTH!

Judi

[cab54]

Tell him when he asks and make sure its age appropriate, just like the "facts of life" talks.

Yes, I agree you should just deal with it as it comes, and be honest, but kind about his father. Say it with a smile and let him know that you are so glad that your son is part of YOUR life.

No matter what kind of 'planned response' you have, the question will not fit it. They come up with some doozies. Best to sometimes go with your gut at the time.

[weedaisy]

I might be able to answer your question Amy Boz.

It might have to do with the fact that the State doesn't care what the parents want or don't want in regards to monetarily supporting their child. The dad is financially responsible for helping raise the child - even if he doesn't want to be a part of that child's life. The state could care less if the parent sees the child or not, the state just wants to make sure that the child is cared for.

I also think that when one is on government assistance, the state doesn't think that it needs to bear the financial burden and oftentimes goes after the absent parent. I am sure a lot of dead-beat dads have been surprised by bills from the state.

I think this is a good thing because it helps to prevent the dead-beat mother or father from dumping all the financial burden on one spouse.

I think the only way this could be circumvented is if the father or mother loses all parental rights - I don't think it's that easy to do though. I think that the courts require the parent keeping the child to prove that 1. they don't need financial assistance or 2. that there is a prospective-adoptive father or mother on hand to help with the financial responsibility of the child.

[angelbumpkin]

Often states don't care that they can put you in danger when they file for child support.

I moved and have custody but still had to file for child support my ex-is very abusive . I don't want my ex knowing where I live. I live in great fear with this man. I don't trust this man no farther than I could throw him. There is now a domestic order in place but at 1st they did not care to find out everything 1st.

[Missourimom]

I'm sorry you're in this spot. I never knew my bio father. As a matter of fact, I never even received a birthday card from him. It effected me all of my life and in my relationships. However, my mother never said a bad word about him. She let me form my own opinion of him over the years and I appreciated it.

It was the same for my daughter, Her bio dad was not involved in her life (it was best this way) and I let my daughter form her own opinion of him over time. She wants nothing to do with him now.

I would just simply say your relationship didn't work out and your sorry his father is not involved. His loss.....and it really is. Your son will hurt and he will be sad, but he needs to form his own opinions and learn to deal with his feelings on this the best he can.

[TheresaRHPS]

You've gotten some great advice here, and I have nothing better to offer!

However, I do have a question, and forgive my question...I'm just curious, based on what you said. If you told him that you wanted him to have nothing to do with you or the baby, why does he have to pay child support in order to get a medical card? You chose to have him not involved...how can they now make him pay in order to get a medical card?

I mean no disrespect...I just don't understand the system.

Sorry; I got away from this thread for awhile, lol.

Anyway, the state doesn't want to have to support my son if they can MAKE the father do it. The fact that I don't want to have anything to do with him, and he doesn't want to have anything to do with my son doesn't matter. If I didn't "comply" and cough up a name, we both would have lost our medical cards. If I was caught withholding information or giving false information, I could have been prosecuted.

It might all be a moot point, though now. I have a job, and insurance coverage will be setting in soon. We also just got a letter yesterday that they found the father, and we have a paternity hearing scheduled. I'm hoping that he'll just sign over all rights, and we'll be done with it. After this month, I'm no longer receiving any benefits from the state, and therefore, don't want to have anything to do with any of it.

Thank you to all who responded, though! I never had any intention of saying anything bad about my son's father to him, but was at a lost as to really WHAT to tell him. My nephew had some uh, creative ideas, lol. There's some better ones here, that I hope to implement when the time comes, lol.

[HandyMom]

I wouldn't let it worry me much. My DD found out that she couldn't complain a lot about not having a Dad around because thesedays, she had PLENTY of company. She also had to find out herself what her Dad was like and she sure did -- LOL! Anything I said about both good and bad, she found out was true. Not something I would worry about again although I was married to the guy for over 3 years (and wish I hadn't!)

[kellyosborn]

My daughter was three when her dad and I split up and I told her right away. I broke it down of course for her to understand. I just said that mommy and daddy couldn't live together because they could not get along anymore and she understood. Children can understand so much and they know when something is not right. Its hard but I have found that the policy is honesty no matter how hard. In your case maybe I would prolly wait until he asks about it. Also try to read some good books on parenting tips to help you how to deal with kids as they grow.

[mh3rdwheel]

I too live in West virginia they are very strict about their rules, last week when reapplied for foodstamps, the lady made use go to question number 48 read it and initial it. I says about lying on your application that you could get fined and up to so many years in prison.

To me it takes a more that a sperm donor to be a father. my dh and I don't have kids together but he makes a wonderful father to my two kids and grandsons. They all love and adore him to them he is Dad and Grandpa more so then their biological father and grandfather.

We at is Winfield? I live in Wheeling in the Northern Panhandle north a mile of I-70 along the Ohio River.