Thought on Ex moving in as a tenant...

**momof2boys2005** · 10-23-2010, 07:31 PM

Background- Ex and I have been divorced for three years now and we have DS#2 together. We were together for 15 toxic years and have been on friendly’ish terms for 2 years. We were not a good “couple” but seem to be ok’ish friends

Ex recently admitted to being in serious financial poop> about to lose place and car...credit already probably down the crapper etc! This isn't a surprise to me since I haven't been recieving any of the court ordered monies that he's to pay monthly nor has he been paying his portion (again court ordered) of daycare or extra curricular. This has been going on for a while now.

Anyhoo, today at hockey practice ex turns to me and asks if he can rent a room in my home.

Well knock me over with a feather...that was unexpected!

Currently in my 1900sq ft three bedroom home there's me, DS#2 and a tenant that I had move in when DS#1 moved out for school.

Ex's proposal is he'd like to move in to a small portion of my finished basement for 1 year cash free (1 month trial period first)...he would pay 'room' with home maintenance stuff...ex is a licensed electrician and is quite a handyman. His thinking is that by living rent free he would then be able to pay down his outrageous debt AND get back on track with his financial responsibilities with me. He's basically admitted to me that he knows he needs to support his son but he just doesn't have enough money to pay his bills and live...he claims he's drowning and needs help. He also believes that if we approach this the right way and always be upfront with DS about why (kiddy version) and how long dads going to be living in our home it would be beneficial for his & DS’s relationship. When I brought up my VERY REAL concerns about sharing living space with him (actually being around him too much) he quickly pointed out that he works 4pm-2am so I would never see him during the week (I work full-time). As for the weekends he reminded me that we see each other quite a bit already due to all DS’s hockey/soccer obligations but that having him around would also give me more freedom to run errands child free.

I’d be a total liar if I said that I don’t want the money. He’s supposed to pay an amount that hits my monthly budget HUGE when not there! I also agree that there are huge daddy/ son benefits too if done right.

I’m torn because I see good, ok, great and terrible possibilities/ outcomes with this.

Opinions please.

**frugalwarrior2** · 10-23-2010, 07:38 PM

This is a good idea because he's been so reliable in the past? And this won't confuse child into thinking you are getting back together?? Warning signs. Danger,danger.

**momof2boys2005** · 10-23-2010, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by frugalwarrior2

This is a good idea because he's been so reliable in the past? And this won't confuse child into thinking you are getting back together?? Warning signs. Danger,danger.

Good points even though they were short and to the point

, though I'm not sure about your first comment. Yes ex was an idiot with his money and things snowballed apparently but he did pay until things got out of control. He would pay if in the house that's for sure. DS has no memory of us ever being married or living together so I wasn't automatically assuming that he would think mom and dad are getting married again KWIM. This would be short term and open conversations would happen for a little over 2 months before ex would even be moving in...and at any point I got confused signals from DS it wouldn't even go forward.
Again good points and I appreciate your thoughts...my mind is NOT made up even though it may seem that I'm defending this idea. Just trying to talk it out.

**lisaflex** · 10-23-2010, 07:54 PM

strange situation i think. imo - wouldnt that five false hopes to the child involved? just something to think about.

i don thave an ex...so, i cant comment much more. just trying to think out of the box in your case. dont mean to offend or anything. i do understand you would want what he is to have paid in the past...but, if he hasnt already paid it, is this a true guarantee that he will? just a though also.

best wishes.

**pollypurebred39** · 10-23-2010, 07:58 PM

Ahhh NO

15 toxic years is enough. Run girl, RUN!

**momof2boys2005** · 10-23-2010, 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by lisaflex

i don thave an ex...so, i cant comment much more. just trying to think out of the box in your case. dont mean to offend or anything. i do understand you would want what he is to have paid in the past...but, if he hasnt already paid it, is this a true guarantee that he will? just a though also.

best wishes.

It's a matter of having x amount monthly income and x amount of bills/debt...he was irresponsible with his budget or better explanation was he didn't have one and screwed himself. Now he's trying to figure out a way to pay his debt back and get back on track.

I'm not a saint trust me but I also don't want my sons father to be a failure/ loser either. Would I want him to say screw you to me if I came to him?

Also, LOL I was trying to think outside the box myself! I'm usually pretty traditional and well there are soooo many different family setups now a days that I was just trying to keep an open mind to his proposal that's all.

**alotofgooddeals** · 10-23-2010, 08:05 PM

I would run away as fast as i could and fast.....

**lisaflex** · 10-23-2010, 08:07 PM

imo - it is TOOO out there for me in my realm of comfort. but, to each their own. again, i did not mean to offend in any way...

**momof2boys2005** · 10-23-2010, 08:08 PM

Originally Posted by pollypurebred39

Ahhh NO

15 toxic years is enough. Run girl, RUN!

Yeah that's why I'm totally concerned about how my much actual time ex and I would be together one on one> counciling has only brought me so far forward when it comes to our past. We've come forward but I have a memory like an elephant! The way he presents it is that we'd be on "opposite shift" therefore not really seeing each other.

**momof2boys2005** · 10-23-2010, 08:11 PM

Originally Posted by lisaflex

imo - it is TOOO out there for me in my realm of comfort. but, to each their own. again, i did not mean to offend in any way...

Honestly no offense taken...I'm seriously hearing all of you I just need to honestly consider it before I toss it out the window KWIM!

**pollypurebred39** · 10-23-2010, 08:20 PM

Rosie, Let's just say you did do this, and a year passes and he still is not caught up. What then? Or you meet the man of your dreams and you can't bring him home because your ex is there? Or you want to get married, but your ex is there?

You say your son has no memory of your toxic relationship. Well what if him living there does turn toxic? Your son will have witnessed it, and there is no unringing that bell. It won't do anything good for his relationship between him and his father, or ANY relationship your son has when he grows up. (if it turns toxic)

I can say this because I lived it. As a kid you can't walk away from your parents toxic relationship, and it colors every relationship you have in the future. It is a bell you can't unring. Please run from this as hard and as fast as you can.

**momof2boys2005** · 10-23-2010, 08:24 PM

Originally Posted by pollypurebred39

Rosie, Let's just say you did do this, and a year passes and he still is not caught up. What then? Or you meet the man of your dreams and you can't bring him home because your ex is there? Or you want to get married, but your ex is there?

You say your son has no memory of your toxic relationship. Well what if him living there does turn toxic? Your son will have witnessed it, and there is no unringing that bell. It won't do anything good for his relationship between him and his father, or ANY relationship your son has when he grows up. (if it turns toxic)

I can say this because I lived it. As a kid you can't walk away from your parents toxic relationship, and it colors every relationship you have in the future. It is a bell you can't unring. Please run from this as hard and as fast as you can.

Now this is perspective...something real I can sink my teeth into!

Thank you for this IRL response!

**lisaflex** · 10-23-2010, 08:36 PM

wishing you the best, once again. i feel for you. sorry you are in this position.

glad you didnt take offense as none was meant...

chin up. deep breath.

**Nana2two** · 10-23-2010, 08:42 PM

I would not even think about it. Your about to create a huge emotional trap for yourself and child.I'm sure your child would love the fact that dad is around.But like other poster what happen the man of your dreams does come along. Chances are he would drop you like a hot potato.I would just tell him the truth and be honest. I bet he will become toxic again because your not giving in. Good luck and I hope you really think twice on this.

**bonnotsm9** · 10-23-2010, 09:03 PM

I wouldn't even remotely consider it. If you've needed counseling to recover from your marriage to him, the last thing you need is him living in your house.