vent about the ex

**frugal is fun** · 03-30-2011, 01:12 PM

So normally I have a very good relationship with my ex. We get along very well and we spend alot of time together doing family stuff.

Not sure if I ever actually posted this but I don't accept the child support that he is legally supposed to provide.

now before everyone goes crazy with that, let me just say that I can afford what I have and he can afford what he has. If I were to take the child support he would not be able to afford his house. the way it is now we are both about as equal as you can get. And we are both "good".

However, there are certain times when things are either better for me or better for him. It is after all life, right?

so anyway, I recently made a conscious decision to get out of work on time or close to on time so I can spend more time each day with my son. This means that I don't make the few hours of overtime each week that allowed for the "small" extras.

And coincidentally, my ex has had the opportunity to work more overtime so he's doing pretty good for the past few weeks.

Two things have come up - I need to sign our son up for CCD classes. Its $55 and the classes go from Oct - April.

the second thing is I signed our son up for indoor soccer. I paid the $75 entrance fee. He now needs new sneakers and shin guards.

I just called my ex and sure enough I got the third degree about everything...whats the $55 for? Oct-April, isn't that a long time, then what happens? does he really need new sneakers, when does he need them by, and shin guards, how much are those?

I mean really, you think i just asked him to give me $500 without explanation.

in the end I know he will give me what I need but now I so remember why we are no longer married. I don't need the third degree over every single purchase and be treated like I'm irresponsible with money.

I don't accept child support yet he gives me the third degree over $50 that is clearly for our son.

Just very very frustrating!!

thanks for letting me vent.

**krbshappy71** · 03-30-2011, 01:21 PM

Originally Posted by frugal is fun

So normally I have a very good relationship with my ex. We get along very well and we spend alot of time together doing family stuff.

Not sure if I ever actually posted this but I don't accept the child support that he is legally supposed to provide.

now before everyone goes crazy with that, let me just say that I can afford what I have and he can afford what he has. If I were to take the child support he would not be able to afford his house. the way it is now we are both about as equal as you can get. And we are both "good".

However, there are certain times when things are either better for me or better for him. It is after all life, right?

so anyway, I recently made a conscious decision to get out of work on time or close to on time so I can spend more time each day with my son. This means that I don't make the few hours of overtime each week that allowed for the "small" extras.

And coincidentally, my ex has had the opportunity to work more overtime so he's doing pretty good for the past few weeks.

Two things have come up - I need to sign our son up for CCD classes. Its $55 and the classes go from Oct - April.

the second thing is I signed our son up for indoor soccer. I paid the $75 entrance fee. He now needs new sneakers and shin guards.

I just called my ex and sure enough I got the third degree about everything...whats the $55 for? Oct-April, isn't that a long time, then what happens? does he really need new sneakers, when does he need them by, and shin guards, how much are those?

I mean really, you think i just asked him to give me $500 without explanation.

in the end I know he will give me what I need but now I so remember why we are no longer married. I don't need the third degree over every single purchase and be treated like I'm irresponsible with money.

I don't accept child support yet he gives me the third degree over $50 that is clearly for our son.

Just very very frustrating!!

thanks for letting me vent.

Do you guys have email? If so, an itemized request, that he can look over on his own time, might be easier for both of you. You wont feel drilled by the tone of his voice (unless he uses lots of capital letters and bold type and underlines stuff) and he will be able to look over the request rather than put on the spot over the phone or in person. Its not necessarily a matter of him doubting you as a matter of him trying to gather information. Be real detailed in your request to try and offset any questions he may have.

If this works better, it may be easier for you to ask more often and therefore be able to have more money in your pocket for the fun stuff. A good introductory line for the email could be, "In the upcoming months there may be some additional expenses coming along for our son, here are the things I forsee and the items I am planning to pay for, I was hoping you could contribute as well:"

Just a thought. Not to say you can't discuss things in person but sometimes some subjects are easier than others to use email.

**happymomof4** · 03-30-2011, 01:26 PM

Judy if you got child support from him on a regular basis he couldn't give you the 3rd degree on what you did with it. So as long as you do it this way. He has the right to ask you why you want money from him.

I have an ex he pays me thru the courts. He can't ask me what I do with the money. It isn't any of his business. I don't ask him for any more either. Now my kids are older and 2 of them are off child support and in college. My older daughter ask him to help her ever so often with school book money and he also give her $40 a month in a bank account. He asks her what she does with the money because his name is on the account with hers. She has learned to only use his money at the college and not at mall so he doesn't ask.

If I was you I would get a regular child support check and put the money away and when you need it for sports or sneakers use that money. That is what I did. My child support goes into a savings account and I use it for school supplies and collee tutiution for the kids. I never need it to pay my bills.

Good luck.

**frugalfriend** · 03-30-2011, 01:33 PM

Just my opinion, but wouldn't it be MUCH easier for him to give you a set amount per month to go toward your son's expenses? I'm not talking going through the court system if you have an amicable relationship. But, since you both know expenses will come up for your son, that he give you a set amount that you both agree with. That will save you having to ask and going through this hassle.

**Russ** · 03-30-2011, 01:43 PM

Originally Posted by frugal is fun

I just called my ex and sure enough I got the third degree about everything...whats the $55 for? Oct-April, isn't that a long time, then what happens? does he really need new sneakers, when does he need them by, and shin guards, how much are those?

I would have said right then and there... "would you rather pay child support?"

**frugal is fun** · 03-30-2011, 01:46 PM

I appreciate the quick response and the suggestions.

He just got email and I know he doesn't check it regularly but I think a face to face conversation about it would be better.

And accepting his child support is not something I'm comfortable doing right now. As I said, he would not be able to make his mortgage. I don't want that for my son, or my ex. as I explained, I like my ex as a person, just not as a husband.

Just this particular conversation brought back all of the bad memories when I would be on the phone going over each item I bought at the grocery store to justify the money I spent. We were never poor or had any significant debt or ever even remotely struggled financially. I have always worked and contributed my part to the family but it never mattered. He always made me feel guilty if I spent any money on myself...like work clothes that I got at the consignment shop or a pair of $20 flip flops I got when we were on vacation. Just brought up ALOT of really bad memories.

And I guess I do agree he has the right to ask questions but it is his tone that irks me. Or I even admit maybe I'm just stuck in the past and its just a reflex to get defensive when asked. My guard instantly goes up and I feel like a child being reprimanded.

**Imarachne** · 03-30-2011, 04:50 PM

Just to give you a different perspective--I hadn't spoken to my ex in years and years . He had estranged himself from our daughters years ago and now (LOL) on facebook, he asks to be my friend. Two marriages later he shows up--go figure ! But now we are old and whats past is past and I accepted him as a friend . My girls still want nothing to do with him but he and I message about "safe" topics. He is still married to wife #3 but at this stage of our lives, I can be civil. Just FYI.

**itsahumanzoo** · 03-30-2011, 05:34 PM

I can see how that would be frustrating! At least you know he will give you the money, though. Honestly, when he starts to pull the third degree on you, just go to your happy place.

**Droppedonmyhead** · 04-03-2011, 07:11 AM

You are too nice. I agree with Frugalfriend. He should at least pay a nominal amount of child support for incidentals for the child. Doesn't have to be a screaming amount, but it would cover things like this and spare you from having to listen to a 3rd degree.

**Daisygirl** · 04-03-2011, 07:30 AM

When I got divorced we had an agreement - which X never followed - but it's a great idea.

For extracurriculars we each paid 50%. Allegedly, I would pay and provide him a copy of the receipt and he would cheerfully fork over his part.

The receipt method might work for you because it answers most questions. Well, not "why did you buy the most expensive ones?" but it could potentially offset these irksome discussions.

You sound amicable enough to discuss his annoying third degree and work out a solution like this. I can tell you both want the very best for your son.

**mndtrp** · 04-03-2011, 07:14 PM

I don't know the whole situation, or his usual reactions, but I wouldn't be thrilled being told I had to give out money on something I had no input on. If he was aware of the upcoming costs, or your usual agreement involves you making those types of choices alone, that's a different story.

**frugal is fun** · 04-03-2011, 07:32 PM

he did have input and I told him as soon as I found out about it. If we want to raise our son Catholic then this is the next step.

And he has since given me the $55 for the CCD classes and I have since bought the new sneakers and shin guards.

And my son spends more awake hours with my ex each day than I do. yes I end up buying my son clothes and stuff, just because I'm the mom but my ex feeds him two meals a day, which I do not.

This was just a weird time where I was short on cash and I know he had a little extra.

This really doesnt have anything to do with either one of us not providing for our son, it has to do with the way he treats me when it comes to money. And honestly there is no reason to justify it.

**NikoSan999** · 04-03-2011, 08:03 PM

He isn't paying child support...he's aware of that input. Also that the boy is 50% his. She dosen't need to explain her self on every move...shes an adult and has custody.