Sucking it up for your kids.

**Rhiamon** · 04-16-2011, 06:01 PM

SOOOO DD was supposed to go to her dads for the weekend. I got a call that she was not feeling well last night, so I asked her if she wanted to stay or come home. She said that she wanted to stay unless she really started feeling worse. I spoke with my ex and reminded him to clean the cuts on her hand before she went to bed. So I get a call a 9:45pm from my ex telling me he was bringing her home because he was not going to fight her anymore about getting her hand cleaned. He is yelling telling me this on the phone.I can hear DD crying in the background so I tell him to put her on. She is having a panic attack I hear my ex in the back ground telling her to stop whinning. I get her to calm down and she is telling me if she comes home that she can't get her birthday presents from her grandparents. GAWD I am so sick of this! I can't even count the number of times she has come home because my ex no matter how many times I tell him how to help her with her anxiety and ADHD he just doesn't. So she ends up in tears and home at 11pm on a Friday night when she was just picked up at 6pm.
So I tell her that her grandparents can come over and give her, her gifts. So I am going to have to play nice for the sake of my poor daughter and my ex in-laws are coming over tomorrow to bring her, her gifts. I have not seen or spoken to them since the separation because they were so nasty to me. And blamed every thing that went wrong on me, and think I am just after my exs money because I am going to make him pay more in child support (he had only been paying 50 dollars) and still make him pay half for stuff she needs. I guess yeah I am such an evil person for making him stand up for his responsibilities.

**Daisygirl** · 04-16-2011, 06:10 PM

I refer to the ex-in-laws as the "outlaws".

I agree: it is truly pathetic that he can't be patient with your daughter's issues. However, from experience I know also that you are fighting a losing battle. My ex would never take my word for anything regarding the girls' mental state. He always thought it was just my own issues. Finally I just had to let go of control when the girls were there. It is painful and it sucks.

If you do let the outlaws come over, don't let it make you crazy. Set a beginning time and an ending time. "If you'd like to come over at 1:00, you could join us for cake - afterwards DD and I have plans to go to the movies, so we'll have to head out at 2:30 to make the matinee." Make your times and stick to them, otherwise you could be stuck with them until they are ready to leave. Stand your ground if they are insulting. Just get up and politely say, "It was so nice that you could make it. We'll have to do it again sometime. Let me get your coat."

Be firm - it is YOUR home!

(((Hugs))) Hang in there.

**Russ** · 04-16-2011, 06:10 PM

You stick to your guns. You are doing the best for your DD by doing so. Don't go "easy" on him because... well, for whatever reason.
As for the inlaws... again, its for your DD.

Your doing awesome considering what you've been through and your situation. I'm impressed.

**frugalwarrior2** · 04-16-2011, 09:09 PM

I disagree. If he is as immature as he sounds,if you yell at him? He will take it out on DD. Maybe he should go to court ordered classes? Could you get her Psyc. to insist. My DH couldn't ever do anything but try and force the situation either.

I always met the inlaws at restaurants so it was forced short. And she could drink I didn't ave to deal w/ her. 1 time she was mad because we went to Chucky Cheese for a kids party and they didn't serve beer. Seriously? She's just all about others needs.lol Just telling you so you know it's a big club your part of.

**TheKeswickBlogger** · 04-18-2011, 02:05 PM

No advice here - was a single mother for a long time, but never had to deal with my ex, or his parents, or support issues (probably should have dealt with the last one, in retrospect?) at all, so can only say that I think that you're doing so well and I admire your commitment to your daughter.

Sometimes we do have to 'suck it up' for the sake of our kids and while it's never easy or fun, I have to believe that the sacrifices we make now will be recognized and appreciated by our kids later (like when they have kids of their own

I'm sorry that you're going through this and that your ex is making life harder for (you and) your daughter. She's lucky to have an understanding and gentle mum to help her with her ADHD and anxiety though.

**itsahumanzoo** · 04-18-2011, 02:46 PM

I have no experience in this area so I can't really give any advice. I just wanted to comment and say that you are doing awesome given the circumstances. Way to go for being the better man and sucking it up to make your daughter happy.

And just remember, years and years down the road when you and your DD's father both need someone to take care of you, your DD will remember things like this.

**Rhiamon** · 04-18-2011, 02:59 PM

They only stayed for about an hour thank goodness!!! My ex stayed and spent the afternoon with DD. She was happy and I was happy she was happy.

**IndigoMom** · 04-18-2011, 03:37 PM

At least she had a good day after all. Maybe you could discuss his taking her for shorter visits for a while, just to have dinner and watch a movie at his place, then he can bring her home. Work up to an over night stay from there...I know it will take any down time from you, but a little secure time is better than daring to go out and DO anything on your own, to be called back, or feel guilty because a situation escalated because you were not quick enough to intervene. My DD is 19 now, and I still have to tell her Father his relationship with her is his own to deal with. Not making me feel bad because he regrets how he did/didn't bond with her when he had the chance...

**Nishu** · 04-18-2011, 04:23 PM

I think Indigomom has a good idea. Maybe rather than doing the overnight thing, he can just get her for an evening and then come back the next day to get her for a few hours if she's up to it? Being in her own bed in her mom's house might be good for her anyway. Switching it up like can be a pain to a kid that's going through it.

I'm not sure if it matters to you or not, but this is something married people go through as well. My husband and I have gone at it over how our kids need to be handled, and they don't even have any special needs.

When mom spends more time with the kid, she knows all the little quirks of a kids personality and how that kid responds to things. Dads are kind of at a disadvantage in that respect. It seems to me that you've got two options: either teach dad how to deal with her, or head off the problems that you can anticipate. I think all mom's have to do this to some degree, either with dad or with grandparents or caretakers. Since you've already tried to explain things to him and he's not getting it, maybe it would help to focus on preventing the recurring issues. This is why I think Indigo's idea might work. Since bedtime seems to be an issue, it might save you a headache just to bring her home before then if your ex will agree to it. After all, their conflicts are going to be just as upsetting for your daughter as they are for you and him.