Finally calling it quits

Homekeepn · 05-21-2007, 07:11 PM

Hello Ladies,

It has been a long time since I have posted here. I haven't been able to use my laptop due to a broken charging cord. Also, things around here have been heated between my husband and I. We will be seperating ASAP. After being together for almost 20 years. We have been together since I was a sophomore in H.S. It has been long overdue. I was just hoping for alittle advice. What are some of the mistakes to avoid? What are some of the things I really should do?
These are some of the details: I am moving out of our house with my 13 year old daughter. My son (15) wants to stay with his dad. They will also have to move out.

Thank you

Missy · 05-21-2007, 07:17 PM

did you go by a different name?

i have no advise. As far as emotional stuffs, my best advise would be to never speak ill of dad infront of the kids. don't vent to them etc. My parents divorced when i was 16 and "dad" did it all the time. made me feel awful. i couldn't get a birthday card in the mail without a big to-do about what an ogre he thought she was etc. So that's the advise i have.

Hugs!!! The ladies here will have tons of ideas for ya.

AmyBoz · 05-21-2007, 08:06 PM

No advice, just

and best of luck to you.

Homekeepn · 05-21-2007, 08:10 PM

Missy,

Thank you for responding so quickly. My husband is against being civil. He says that if we are not staying together then there is no reason to be nice to me. It is really hard to stay calm around him. He is jealous and controlling. He also has a drinking problem. I have to move on if I am going to be happy.

ubumartin · 05-21-2007, 08:34 PM

Nothing to add but I will be sending you hugs and prayers! Best of luck with your situation.

AnnK · 05-21-2007, 09:02 PM

Im sorry that he has such a poor attitude. MY dh and I have dated since 16 got married at 21. We have 13 yrs together already. Im sad to hear that your marriage isnt going to make it. I was hopeing that fairy tails do come true. I want to believe that dh and really will live happily ever after becuase when we got married so of our elders didnt think it was a good idea.

I dont have any advice eccept to tell you to do what you feel is right and dont lower yourself to his level. Just becuase he isnt going to be civil to you doesnt mean that you have to stoop to his level. Your kids will respect you for it.
Good luck.

DJ1972 · 05-21-2007, 09:15 PM

I have no idea how you feel as I have never gone through this. My only advice would be to talk to the one in control of everything...God, and talk to him often.

rosebron · 05-21-2007, 09:49 PM

Hugs to you!! I'll be praying that God gives you patience and wisdom. It sounds like you are ready to live your dreams and not someone else's nightmare. Perhaps keep a diary of these dreams and goals to keep positive and moving in the right direction.

fernykins · 05-21-2007, 09:53 PM

I really feel for you. I'm, going through something like that except he likes his drugs. All my kids are adults the baby is 21. I have been very nice to him where he has called me every name in the book as someone here told me make sure I get everything I deserve. Best of luck to you.
Fern

jamie79 · 05-21-2007, 10:25 PM

No advice just wanted to say I am sorry you are going thru this

BrookePointMom · 05-21-2007, 10:38 PM

I am so sorry about your situation. I am also going through a separation. I have been married 22 years with a 20 year old son and a 16 year old son. My husband had an affair all summer with bartender from the marina bar that we kept our boat....65 miles away, while I worked 12 hour days at a car dealership. He lied to me, saying nothing had been wrong with our marriage and then said she was a friend in need and brought her home for Thanksgiving dinner at my house (because I never turn away someone with nowhere to go). Four days later, she was still in my house and he asked for a divorce and said he was in love with her like he has never been in love before. My brother....my angel, had my 16 ds and I in a hotel for a week while we found an apartment. We moved in December 10 and are practically glued to each other's hip, but we are surviving.

My advice to you....because it does hurt, not matter how long it's been a bad situation...talk to someone, a counselor, a pastor, someone unbiased and supportive....talk to me. Keep track of everything, get a separation agreement as quickly as possible. Try to sit down with him and discuss the details of your separation rationally....but don't expect it to be easy.

I am beginning to feel whole again. I was neglected for many years, but hung in for the sake of committment and loyalty and yes, love. I have lost 32 pounds....I need to loose much more. I don't stress as much, I don't avoid home, I don't do anything that causes pain, if I can help it.

Love your children, keep them close. It will be ok....but it does take time.

If you would ever like to chat or email....you can reach me at specialfy02@yahoo.com

Take care, Pat...Nick and Chris' Mom

TheRootedNomad · 05-22-2007, 09:51 AM

Wish there was more I could offer. Dh and I are struggling ourselves after 15 years. I'm still hopeing we can work it out but that glimmer of hope is getting duller all the time and making a clean break is looking better and better. Lots of (((HUGS)))!!! I'll be keeping you in my thoughts.

missymomof3 · 05-22-2007, 10:14 AM

My advice to you is to pray and seek out a good counselor. I also agree with the others that you don't speak badly about each other in front of the kids. The best scenario you two will work things out but either way good luck to you and God Bless.

tigo · 05-22-2007, 10:27 AM

Advice from someone who has been there (a time or two): seperate your finances as quickly as possible (checking, savings, 401, insurances, credit cards). Try to get (in writing- even if it is notebook paper) how you guys are going to work out child visitation and expenses. The advice on not speaking badly about him is excellent and pays off big time as the kids are older. After those things are done, as soon as you can get an attorney to work up either a set of divorce papers or legal seperation papers. I didn't with one ex - holding out hope he would "snap out of it" and we would get back together. He ended up wiping out my accounts, taking out credit cards in both our names and I spent a ton of money trying to get it all cleaned up.

Homekeepn · 05-22-2007, 10:31 AM

Thank you all,

I am sorry that some of you know the hurt that I am going through personally. Being in a marriage that is not working out is terrible. As far as I know he has not gone out on me. He is always accusing me of having a boyfriend. If I am a little late coming home from the grocery store, then I would get the third degree. I sometimes go out with a friend ( not very often) he needs to know exactly what we were doing and where we went. I have never done anything for him to be like this. So this makes me wonder if he has a guilty concious.
I am a substitute teacher by day and work at a country gift shop at night. I have missed work yesterday because he didn't fix a flat tire on the vehicle that I was using. It was flat since Thursday, yesterday was Monday. It is really embarassing to call in to say that I can't make it to work. I is a good thing that the woman that I am calling to cancel is a friend of mine. At least she knows what I am going through. So last night my son fixed the tire somehow. My husband said he didn't fix it for me because I didn't ask him.
Last night my friend called me to sub today. I told her that I could because the tire was fixed. This morning I was already to leave, he had taken the keys out and locked them in the garage. So I had to call my friend back and tell her again that I couldn't make it. That only gave the school a 15minute notice.
I haven't been able to get anything out of OUR garage because he has change the lock and put a paddle lock on it.
This isn't the first time I have almost lost out on work because of him. Another time when he was being childish, he blocked the truck in with other vehicles so I couldn't leave. It was a good thing that it was a school in my town that I was subbing at, because the bus driver came back to my house to pick me up. Oh yeah, my 13 year old daughter too. She was so embarassed to be dropped of at school just her and I. When I told him how we got to school, he said that it wasn't his problem.
Today when I called him to find out where the key was, he told me that since I didn't want to stay with him then I needed to "find a new husband to give me a car. And get a real job."
I would love to be able to leave right now. I just do not have anyway to do so or anywhere to go. Life right now is SO frustrating. Thank you for letting me vent.