Dating and the Frugal Lifestyle

**Greebo** · 07-11-2011, 12:11 PM

Originally Posted by frugal is fun

I'm just bumping this back up as I have just met a guy and I'm wondering how to break the "frugal news".

He's an engineer at a major local company, good pay, good benefits. He keeps telling me he's simple but yet he tells me he has a 3000 sq ft house, a hot tub, a go cart, two cars, a Harley and a camper. He also has a Macbook, an Iphone and an IPod. hmm, I think we have different meanings of the word simple.

I'm simple. I'm direct, honest, and don't play games, but I also love luxury. Simple enough.

I guess there will be a time in our natural conversation that this will come up and I just want to be prepaid with an honest answer that doesn't sound like I'm cheap.

After he proposes and you say yes would be the time to worry about this, at which time you can say, "I'm a natural saver and I like to be prepared for the future, I THINK you're a spender, and I can live with that but if we're going to marry, we need to have a mutual agreement on how we'll deal with money".

Until then, you're DATING - RELAX - ENJOY THE RIDE!

**Nishu** · 07-11-2011, 12:34 PM

If he starts getting all "Oh, let me pay for this," or if he starts acting like the lady's benevolent patron, I'd put a stop to it. I think that would allow you to maintain your simple lifestyle without appearing cheap and it would also insulate you from spendy peer pressure. That's the only thing I'd worry about at this point. It sounds kind of early in your relationship so I'd just let the rest come up in natural conversation. JMO.

Originally Posted by frugal is fun

I'm just bumping this back up as I have just met a guy and I'm wondering how to break the "frugal news".

He's an engineer at a major local company, good pay, good benefits. He keeps telling me he's simple but yet he tells me he has a 3000 sq ft house, a hot tub, a go cart, two cars, a Harley and a camper. He also has a Macbook, an Iphone and an IPod. hmm, I think we have different meanings of the word simple.

anyway, I have told him I don't have a computer at home, I don't have a blackberry, I have a pay as you go phone and being that we're both on Verizon we can talk for "free".

It does seem that everything he owns is paid for, except mortgage so I don't think its a case of him living above his means. From what I can see, he's got a good job and he's been single a while with no children.

So although I don't overstate my frugality I'm wondering if I just need to come out and say I have a good job, but I don't have a great job and with saving for retirement, college and paying my mortgage and car there isn't much left over for fun. I guess there will be a time in our natural conversation that this will come up and I just want to be prepaid with an honest answer that doesn't sound like I'm cheap.

**Libby** · 07-11-2011, 12:41 PM

Just be honest about it. Tell your story but add a very positive spin on it. You hit an epiphany and have since decided to live a simple, frugal and pared down life with your goals being to pay off everything now vs later so you'll able to enjoy your retirement.

Im sure at one point, you couldnt imagine life w/o the toys - tv, ipod, home computer etc etc. but now that you've tried it, you really like it or are OK with it. Its what works for you.

(of course, only if this is the truth and how you feel about it)

I found that people filled their 'loneliness void' with things vs trying to do some serious soul searching and actually make themselves happy. They equated 'things' with happiness b/c other happy people around had these 'things'. Kinda like peer pressure. (if that makes sense)

**zakity** · 07-11-2011, 02:12 PM

You could plan and pay for every other date. He gets to plan and pay and then you get to plan and pay. You will both get to stay in your respective budgets.

And, one way to state it without sounding "cheap" is "I put a high importance on retirement savings".

**MTS04** · 07-13-2011, 04:45 PM

I don't see how you can't continually bring it up as need be. When he plans an activity that is over the top for you, let him know.
ie: Him: "Want to go hang gliding and then high tea on Saturday?" You: I'm sorry, that's not in my budget this month, perhaps another time?

**MissSeetonFan** · 07-13-2011, 05:42 PM

I have no experience in breaking news to people I date. Maybe it was because of the group I tended to hang out with, poor college students and just-getting-established professional singles at my church. My husband and I met through church, he was a grad student and I was working as a bank teller. The first time we did an activity it was a group singles activity in the backyard of the parents of one of the singles in our group another city or two over from where our group lived.

Our first few dates were: making a homemade kite and trying to fly it at the nearby park; putting together a puzzle; going to a birthday party of one of our friends from the singles group.

Since we naturally gravitated to free and inexpensive activities, whether or not we were frugal wasn't an issue. As we got to know each other better, we discovered a mutual tendency towards frugality that is helping out now that he is getting established in his profession - which is not what his degree was in.

**craftypam** · 07-13-2011, 07:48 PM

I would say just be yourself and he will notice by conversations that you are frugal. Thats how people I interact with find out.

**shoiji** · 07-13-2011, 07:52 PM

I am sure once you return the favor of dinner out he will come to appreciate the great frugal meals you will prepare for him. If he does not get the frugal idea you can always show him your pantry if you have one.

I have always found that men really do enjoy not having to spend money all the time. Try to see if there are any festivals, concerts, art openings that are free in your area and suggest going to some. He may really enjoy it. Also, men sometimes like to look as though they can provide by spending but I think deep down they would like to save more.

You can also make a game of it and see who can find the most inexpensive or free thing to do on the weekend that will be fun.

**frugal is fun** · 07-14-2011, 10:36 AM

All great ideas! thanks!!

our first real date is supposed to be this Sunday. We haven't talked about where yet but I happen to have 2 gift certificates to a local restaurant so when he asks me I'll offer to use one. I'm sure once we get to know each other a little bit it will just naturally come up.

**frugal is fun** · 07-19-2011, 04:52 PM

ok, quick short update.

me and the new guy got together at a friends house, we're sitting around the bon fire, having a few drinks and my cell phone goes off. I take it out of my pocket, answer it etc. After I get off the phone new guy says to me...what kind of phone is that? why don't you have an ipone? I said its a pay as you go phone, the cheapest one you can buy. I would love an iphone but it isn't in the budget. He sort of looked at me with a weird look. I said, don't worry, I'm not broke, just budget is tight and there isn't much "extra". he paused and said "well you're a single mom so thats understandable. I said something about my car and my mortgage and he said "don't worry, you seem alot better off than alot of people I know".

so..the conversation is now open and it feels good.

**Tatter** · 08-02-2011, 08:53 PM

When I use to date (I gave up), most of my dates knew I was frugal. However, none of them could wrap their thoughts around why anyone would want to retire from a prosperous career and start up a hobby farm, while at the same time living off grid. Their idea of simple and my idea of simple were two different things. However, I tend to be extreme in my thought process only because I don't have anyone around to say "umm, no." lol

When dating, be honest and open. Don't be afraid to be yourself and if that person cannot accept your ways, move on.

**AutoMan32** · 12-12-2011, 07:55 PM

Where do you go to find frugal ladies? lol hmmmm I wonder if this site is an option. Seems every person I talk to wants to go "SHOPPING"

**mndtrp** · 12-12-2011, 08:04 PM

Originally Posted by AutoMan32

Where do you go to find frugal ladies? lol hmmmm I wonder if this site is an option. Seems every person I talk to wants to go "SHOPPING"

When my wife and I started dating, she was hardly frugal. However, she saw how much easier my life was without debt, high bills, and tons of spending on crap, so she started to become more frugal. Getting married made her even more frugal.

**kita** · 12-14-2011, 06:12 PM

Where can you find the frugal ladies? I think that is the wrong question. Most people who remain frugal do so because they have a passion that they care about more than standing in line for the latest ipad/pod something or another. What is your passion?
Then go there. Church. Volunteer at the soup kitchen. Or at the museum. Or join a hiking group. Or a group that practices a language.
Then you will have an opportunity to meet women and can have a discussion about what is important to you and frugality. Then you can invite some woman out for coffee.
The idea of hitting bars while dressed in some cool outfit does not promote knowing women or frugality on your part. Buying drinks for women who have dressed up to meet men in bars is not frugal. Spending a little money and time on what makes you happy and finding a woman whose priorites are the same and who makes you happy is frugal.