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Just quit my job to come home BUT

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home job quit
8K views 41 replies 26 participants last post by  Ceashels 
#1 ·
My husband is not supportive of this decision at all. I have 3 kids at home and we can easily afford for me to stay home with them. Does anyone here have a problem with an unsupportive spouse? How do you deal with it?
We are a christian family and I made the decision with a lot of prayer and took the input from my dh. I still feel that it is the best decision to come home with my kids.
 
#2 ·
Hi,
Congrtas!!!! you are braver than me, I wish I had the courage to do what you have just done, I think we posted at the same time, I am wanting to quit my job,but do not have the courage,
Surely your husband will come to term with the situation when he see how much less stressed out you are , and how much haapier you will be staying at home, taking care of the home and your family.

give it time, best of luck xxxx:grball:
 
#5 ·
I guess I felt like it was a compelling reason. My job was expecting me to work 40 hours per week, but only paid me for 19 hours (I'm paid hourly, not salaried). On top of working a 40 hour week, I was supposed to be homeschooling my kids. I have 2 kids with problems that prevent them from going to public school. One has severe asthma that puts her in the hospital several times a year. She missed 30 days of school the last year she was in public school because of this. We were on the verge of having to go to court for missing too much school. My son has autism and our school district has refused him services because of their "budget cuts". So, it was a lot to be able to handle frankly.

So, by the time I worked a 40 hour week, homeschooled 3 kids, cleaned the house, and made meals from scratch each day, it was just too overwhelming. The job was super stressful and I would find myself just neglecting the needs of my kids in order to get everything else done. In the end, I felt like the needs of my kids were more important than dh being mad for a week or two. It really was a heart-wrenching decision that I did not take lightly.
 
#6 ·
I have to ask:What did you do in your free time?LOL!This sounds like the emancipation of a slave. I would have quit too.Good luck, and enjoy some down time.
 
#9 ·
But in the first post, she states that "she took the input from her husband". So he was involved in the decision.

Excuse me if this topic hits a nerve. Working full time with 3 kids, one with autism, when you can manage without the extra income? And handling all the housework? Her husband sounds like a disrespectful bully.
 
#12 ·
Good point. I made this point several times. We actually fought them on the issue for 3 years before giving up and bringing him home. Their grand solution in the end was for me to follow him around school all day and give the services he needed myself. I figured if I was doing everything anyway, I might as well bring him home and do it there.

As far as bringing the issue of the 19 hour pay for a 40 hour week to the labor commission, I am considering it right now but am unsure what will happen with it. I worked for the school district as the coordinator for all the after school programs. Sometimes as a person that works for the school district, they are unwilling to hear such cases because you should know going into it that it's going to require a lot of you. It is a position much different from a regular school teacher, however, in that school teachers are a salaried position and get time off to compensate for every time they have to stay after for conferences or things like that. This is an hourly position that only pays for 19 hours because after that many hours, the school district is supposed to pay for your benefits. Then, they require you to work 40 hours, but only claim 19.

I did consult with dh before making the decision. We just had different opinions on what should happen.
 
#14 ·
What I don't understand is if you took the input from your husband and he's upset by this, then how is it an issue? If he told you he'd be okay with it and then turned around and changed his mind, then I could see a good reason why. But, if he gave you negative input about it and you went ahead anyway, that's what's called defiance.

As far as the autism issue is concerned, children with special needs are not supposed to be exempt from anything that they can use to better their education. If your school district is denying him services, that's a violation of the IDEA and Education for All Handicapped Children Act (which goes with the IDEA). There is a rule called the Zero Reject Rule in that courts have ruled that even if the student is completely incapable of benefiting from educational services and all efforts are futile—even if the child is unconscious or in a coma—the school is still required to provide educational services to the child.
 
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#15 ·
My dh pretty much said "suck it up" and wanted me to continue with everything. It is far more important to him that I earn money than that the kids are taken care of. So, yes, I told him that I physically couldn't do it any more and that the kids were more important to me than the money. He stopped talking to me after that.

With the school, they felt like they were following this rule by allowing him to come to regular class like everyone else. That just wasn't enough for him. The room was so loud that he would end up huddled in the corner crying. Kids with autism can't handle lots of noises all at the same time. Then, they would have timed tests. Every time a timed test came up, he would completely freak out and start banging his head on his desk. Then, he would have to stay in from recess as a punishment from not getting his timed test done. He consequently would fail all of his classes and come home to cry about what a failure he was. So, they would allow him to be in the classroom, but not give him the extra services he needed as a disabled individual (if that makes sense). They would just say over and over that there was no money in their budget to cover it.
 
#16 ·
wow. Good Luck with everything. I have to say that there is no way any employer would get that many free hours out of me. I can see taking time to finish up something that needs to be completed but it sounds like you have given 21 hours of free labor, I think I would go flip burgers for 19 hours a week, at least you get paid your hours worked.

I have no experience with special needs children and school systems so I can only wish you best of luck there.
 
#17 ·
hi..
good luck with everything,

you have so much to deal, you are a brave lady,
your husband will eventually come to term with your situation, how can he be upset with you when he see's you tring to be super women,you are only human, we all have our breaking point.
I dont want to be disrespectful, but he will get over it,once he sees you less stressed out and happy.

the best of luck to you xx
 
#18 ·
I think we all have to make the decisions we feel is best for our family. And, I think you are doing the right thing. Your husband will get over it.

As for the issues with the school....believe me the schools can do what they want...and they will...they have loopholes after loopholes....I had to fight to get my son into school (special ed. deaf)....They knew he was coming as I had forward all his records and requested an IEP (I think that is what it is called...forgive me it's been over 30 yrs ago) everyday they had an excuse...I don't rememeber what I did to finally get his IEP done but it took me a month of constant phone calls every day and sometimes 2-3 times a day, going to the school etc....in the mean time, my 7 yrs old is not going to school...I finally got him enrolled.....it was a bad year for him.....he missed alot of school (sickness)....I took him to school one day and teacher told me she was so glad he was there cuz they were getting ready to sent out truant officier cuz he missed so much school....I turned around packed him up and left with him and told them to send the officer and anyone else they wanted to as I would love to talk to them....took me a month to enroll and they weren't worried then - why worry now! Got lots of phone calls that day from school, higher ups, etc...never had another problem after that with ANYTHING.
 
#19 ·
I'm not so sure everyone should be telling her that it'll be ok and that her husband "will get used to it." I am curious if he was supportive of you homeschooling or was that a decision you made for yourself and the kids too? Hmm, for some reason I think there is more to this story than we're being told. Just keep in mind, your husband might just not "get over it."
 
#22 ·
My husband does support my homeschooling. We've been doing it for several years now. I didn't just start homeschooling this year when I've been working all along. I've been homeschooling and had a more part time job for 3 years. This year, the person in charge of our program quit and I was told that unless someone took over that position, they would discontinue our program. So, I took the job. Again, because of budget cuts, the job required far more of me than it required of the last person in this position. Lots of the stuff she used to hire out, I was having to do by myself. The first week I started, I worked over 60 hours. I kept thinking that it would get better, but when it did, I was still working at least 40 hours. The kids failed all of their classes the first semester of school. It seemed to be spiraling out of control.

For the person that asked why I didn't give dh more time, we've been discussing the situation for 3 months. I guess you would have to know him, but truly he just cares about me making money. He really doesn't see why I can't just do everything. Sometimes, he would get home from work before I did, but I was still expected to make dinner, do dishes, clean the entire house, do school work with the kids, etc. He does absolutely no house work, yard work, cooking, etc. He makes enough money to have $2000 left over at the end of the month after we pay all of our bills, groceries, gas, and tithing to our church. I just wanted to clarify that so you don't think I'm leaving the family in a bind or something.

After the responses I've gotten on here, I can understand why there are so many abused spouses out there. We are all expected to just buck up and do everything they want no matter how awful it may be. You reach out and try to get a little support for standing up for yourself and everyone just beats you back down. Geez.
 
#20 ·
As a teacher it breaks my heart that your son was denied services :( I know here in Florida that autistic children are given the needed services- they can't always do it at the closest school to your house but they are required to provide transportation to the school that has the available services.
 
#21 ·
I would have wanted to be done working as well. I have been a SAHM for the entire time I've been a mom. As our kids have gotten older I've done a few WAH jobs very part time, but it is very clear that the kids and house are my responsibility. DH is a very involved dad and will help around the house with major projects or when time allows, but he has a very demanding career and often there is just no time for that. I do understand your desire to be a SAHM, especially given your circumstances. That being said, I imagine your husband may not be very happy with you for a little while so in doing what you did you also have to realize that he might be frustrated and be willing to take whatever "consequences" come from that. If it was worth it to you than the consequences might be worth it as well. You'll just have to see. Personally, I think you made a good lifestyle change, but I maybe would have tried to get husband on board a little longer before quitting- like by giving him a quit date or something. No going back now though!! Good luck!!
 
#24 ·
I was going to post several times on this matter but ended up not following through..

For my husband to tell me i couldnt do something i wanted to do would not be a wise choice on his part....for him telling me i can't do something is not a choice in our relationship just as me telling him he cant do anything is not a choice...we are in this together and yes i will listen to what he has to say and will take his feelings into consideration when making a decision but...if it means my sanity and my health then I will make whatever choice i would have to make....I don't know your situation so I will not give you any advice on this situation...I will just pray that it all works out for you...
 
#25 ·
Really, I am not trying to beat you down at all and I normally keep my opinions like that to myself. I probably should've worded my post better. However, I still believe your husband may not just get over it and that could lead to possible marital issues later, if they don't exist already. Abuse has nothing to do with this. If your husband was beating you, I would've told you to run for the hills. I do believe that spouses should work and make decisions together. We often do not get the full story on the internet when people post personal issues making one spouse sound totally unfair.
 
#30 ·
I completely support your decision to quit your job and stay home. I applaud you. I will pray that your husband will eventually see the benefit for you and your family. I decided to stay home once I had my third child and that decision has caused a lot of financial stress. My husband continues to support my decision even though financially times have been tough. I pray that your husband will support you, especially since there is enough money. I have a teenage boy who is autistic. I have also homeschooled, although briefly. One of those situations alone would require you to be home for your kids. Our responsibility toward our children begins the minute they are born. It is our responsibility to provide them with the best that we are able to regardless of what sacrifices that means for us. For some, that means working really long hours to provide for them financially. For others, it means doing without some wants to support them in the struggles God has given them. The decisions we make as parents are personal and are as unique as each of our children. You are doing what you feel is best for your children. I pray that your husband will look past the material impact of your decision and support you and the kids. God Bless.
 
#33 ·
Being in a relationship is about being a unified working unit, sure, but that doesn't mean that one half can't sometimes be flat out wrong on some things. The kids are a part of the family unit too and based on what you said, your job was resulting in their schooling and their well-being suffering so you made a decision that would change the situation - one thing's for sure, if you had kept doing what you were doing, you were going to keep getting the same results and your kids would have continued suffering for it.

In terms of getting your husband on board with this: addressing any legitimate concerns he has about losing your income and making an action plan to counteract the downsides would help (if he is willing to talk to you). Would it be possible to reach a compromise whereby you maybe take part-time work that doesn't over-work you?
 
#34 ·
You could always do a compromise also where your husband helps out with the cooking, cleaning,yardwork. Or let these things go and let your husband manage the way in which they will be done.This is not just about your children or your time. It is also about the relationship you have with your husband. It does not appear that he is very concerned about you as a person, only as a mother, a cook, a housekeeper, a laundress. You are not out of line to have enough esteem for yourself that you make changes to protect your health .You are not out of line to stand up and say enough. Of course he will be upset. You have been carrying responsibilities that he should have shared with you.He has been okay with that. You have abducted from the Superwoman role. Now he has the sole responsibility of something. There is nothing wrong with making money and understanding it's value and how it works for you. The love of money is another thing.What does your husband value most?If it is money, he can work two jobs. You have, for years.
 
#36 ·
PS- I meant to say abdicated, not abducted. My husband is out in the car honking- time to go!I can't think straight when I am being rushed along. Grrrrr. Hugs kiddo.
 
#35 ·
When we made the decision for me to stay home I added up the actual financial cost of me working (primarily daycare, but also parking, gas, clothing, etc.), turned out I wasn't making very much. I also came up with a list of things that I was going to commit to doing in order to save on expenses while I was home. For us that was hanging laundry, cooking, and cloth diapering. In the end we didn't suffer financially from me being home because I was able to significantly reduce our expenses.

I guess my point is, if the primary concern is financial, then you need to make a financial case for your decision.
 
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