Can you help a friend of mine?

**pkellyc** · 05-08-2006, 02:03 PM

When I worked dh was responsible for 1/2 the cooking, cleaning, errands, and child care? Is he ready to take off work when one of the kids get sick and needs to go to the doctor? I think she ought to make a weekly chore list of his 1/2 of the chores. That will fix him.

**Minner77** · 05-08-2006, 09:26 PM

Originally Posted by canadian gardener

had another evil thought, she could go SHOPPING for that work wardrobe, and for her sake make sure she can take it all back the next day! But rack up a grand or two on shoes, purses, good work suits, blouses, hose and the right underthings to hold it all up and in so she looks nice and corporate!

Then show dh the bill!!!!!

heheheheheh

Then be ready to take it all back and shop more carefully if he still figures she needs to work outside the home too. After all if she is working her fingers to the bone, she doesn't need a lot of debt.

This is just for the shock and awe campaign if needed.

Wouldn't hurt to call Molly Maids for a price on a weekly cleaning, oh and price out dry cleaning all that nice work wear!!!!

If she is sensible about this and does it right, he should see that it will take at least 2 to 3 years of her working full time to pay off the debts incurred in working!!!!!

No gravy for the greedy!

Margery - you are delicious!!

~Mary

**marei** · 05-09-2006, 10:05 AM

I can't believe his family think they have the right to add their two cents worth to this situation. I would tell them very politely that this is THEIR families issue and and she doesn't need them adding to the problem. Sounds to me like he might be whining to his family about things that are absolutely none of their business. All she needs to do is plant her feet firmly in the ground and say NO and the more he nags about it the less likely it is to ever happen - even when the kids are all gone. There isn't a man alive who would make me go back to work if I didn't want to because I think being there for your children is the most important job in the world. I realize that in a lot of cases this isn't possible or that some women don't want to stay home and this is okay too, but if staying home is what you want and you are managing okay then that is what you should do.

**treeluva** · 05-09-2006, 03:33 PM

You know, I wonder if they ever talked about this before they got married. You know, when we have kids, I want to stay home. Period. Be there for my children, run the home, be there for you, yadda yadda. Because I know, the 2 guys that I dated more than casually after my divorce, both knew that I wanted to STAY AT HOME! And as soon as they knew it, I could tell that the relationship was not going to go any further, because they could not even imagine a life where their wife stayed home to reap the benefits of all THEIR hard work.
But, I do not disguise the fact to anyone that I am ready to STAY AT HOME, want to STAY AT HOME, and would quite enjoy STAYING AT HOME, rather than getting up at 0530 hours to get myself and the kids ready for the day; me for work, them for daycare, pick them up anywhere between 5 pm and 8 pm, depending on the day, and then having to cook, clean, baths, homework, laundry, and spend some time doing nothing, with THEM! It really is a hetic life, that I am more than ready to trade in!

**sunnydaze** · 05-09-2006, 06:26 PM

Could it be that he is tired of shouldering the entire financial well-being of the family? He has a huge burden being the sole provider, and honestly if she won't even consider his feelings on the matter, she is being the selfish one in the situation.

I'd be curious to hear why after 13 years he thinks she should go back.

**canadian gardener** · 05-09-2006, 11:11 PM

Sunny she asked her friend for help with thinking this thru, and her friend posted it here as a question. We aren't into judging her reasons, or his reasons,

just tossing ideas back and forth.

I don't think we can any of us decide that she is being selfish by her trying to think this thru for her family. Just a thinker, thinking. Asking for input.

Sometimes the decision is made on the basis of necessity as many posters can attest to. They don't have a choice, but she does, and she asked her friend to help her think it thru from a financial pov.

Sometimes when other things are equal, it DOESN'T always make sense for a woman to work as many posters have also mentioned. Sometimes yes, sometimes no.

It's always good to think thru the pros and cons for each family, and quite honestly, for some families they are better off at the end of the day with the mother home, and others it's better for her to work.

Thinking thru the finances takes a bit of doing to figure out the hidden costs, and that is what this thread is about. The hidden side, the taxes, child care, transportation, wardrobe, increased conveniance foods, and more.

that's all. Hope that helps, and welcome aboard, keep posting.

**canadian gardener** · 05-10-2006, 12:03 AM

sorry Sunny, I read your post more carefully, you said IF she won't even consider his feelings...and I agree, that would be selfish.

You are right if that is the case, but back to the OP, it's about a woman who has been out of the secretarial work force for many years, and whose job skills are eroded. The way the OP was worded, it sounded like it was him who won't consider her feelings, and the OP was asking for input to help her friend handle the situation so that he can see more than the potential salary.

Often people think of a wage without considering the taxes, the costs associated with working and all those things can erase any benefit. Several people mention essentially going out to work for no benefit as a result.

A husband who forces a wife to work for nothing outside the home, and then expects her to continue doing the "minimal" stuff (now the kids are in school) may NOT be factoring in all the other parts of the equation from the money costs, to the social costs to their children, who are entering the teens.

By helping her think it thru, this will perhaps show them whether or not she is going out to work for a profit, and also will give her the ability to put her feelings into words he can understand.

men and women think very differently at times and men see a happy family, clean home, but seldom understand the work their wives do to make that happen. Women are so conditioned by the expectations on them to be the cook, laundress, housecleaner, and wiper up of runny noses, that we don't always put that into words men understand. We just do it, and at times it's too much.

**sunnydaze** · 05-10-2006, 12:56 AM

I understand completely what you are saying. I keep typing out a long post to respond, but I think we agree that it comes down to whatever is best for the family.

I don't want to ruffle feathers on my first day!

**treeluva** · 05-10-2006, 10:12 AM

We have feathers? Thats where they all come from, littering my floor! Now, if I could just get rid of them... I wouldnt have to sweep and vacuum so darned much!

**Early Bird** · 05-10-2006, 10:41 PM

Originally Posted by canadian gardener

The OP was asking for input to help her friend handle the situation so that he can see more than the potential salary.

Often people think of a wage without considering the taxes, the costs associated with working and all those things can erase any benefit. Several people mention essentially going out to work for no benefit as a result.

Bingo! He thinks they'd be rolling in money if only she went to work. And he's not considering all the downsides -- sick kids, heavier taxes, etc.

Sometimes we got a little jokey in our replies: 'tell him you'll be too tired for sex,' etc. But honestly, her workload would increase dramatically. And he's not the kind of guy to come home from a long day and start vacuuming. (I don't know many who are!)

**ironmaiden** · 05-11-2006, 07:14 PM

Gee, I'm home withthe kids and it's a far longer day than DH works!

I have a wonderful DH and I feel that HE is doing the second shift thing. He got up with my daughter in the middle of the night with her nosebleed. Then again at 5:30am when she woke up. HE made breakfast and called me down at 7am for it. He'll already have the bread machine going. And my son's school snack packed with anything else that DS needs to bring to school. Then HE brings my son to kindergarten and heads to work. After work he'll help with dinner if it isn't already done and then help with dishes and play with the kids. Then we each do one kid for bedtime jammies, brushing teeth, reading a book, telling a bedtime story and songs. Then it's 8pm and we both finally get to sit down.

I chose well. We had a good division of labor before kids.

He gets out of grocery shopping, alot of the cleaning, laundry, budgeting, writing bills, getting people to work on the house, shopping for clothes (including his), etc.

Someday I'll go back to work part-time. I'll wake up in the morning and head to work. Daddy will have breakfast with the kids, pack their lunches, and bring them to school. I'll get out in time to pick them up. I had a very well-paying job and my old company will let me work whatever hours I choose as well as take me back after a very long "sabatical" of about 7 years.