Jealous

**Slightlynotright** · 08-16-2011, 01:42 AM

I have been an actual stepmom for two years, thats how long we have been married, but we don't have the kids all of the time and its hard because the kids don't seem to want to have anything to do with me. I do try but I don't push, I was a child of divorce and I know how that can but I know that I loved as a girl to have my stepmom around but after 4 years of being in there lives they don't seem as comfortable as I hoped they would be. They lived in Indiana with there mom and we live in New Hampshire but we had them for a week in the summer and then we went there a couple times of year but they have been living back here in New Hampshire for a few months, we get them a couple times a week and at least a night on the weekend, we just had them for a week and thats when I noticed it the most.
Its especially hard because my husband had a vasectomy after his daughter was born which was ten years ago and he went through a reversal quite a few months back and we have found out there is only a 10% chance that I can get pregnant. I wanted nothing more for this to work out for us but it is something that can happen but may take a long time if it even does happen. I love my stepkids and I don't begrudge them at all, I just wish that they and I were closer and maybe I wouldn't feel so let down about the reversal. I tell them I love them and they feel forced to tell me. I would never want them to say that if they don't mean it but I feel like they do. They moved back with only telling us a few weeks in advance and we don't have the means just yet to get into a bigger place and I know thats hard on them but we work really hard on keeping them busy outdoors and not stuck being bored. I guess I just don't know what to do. Its weird, when they want to go do something they whisper to my husband about doing it rather than just say it out loud, I tend to be all for it and my husband will say no so I don't get why they shy away from me.

I don't know what to do and then just dealing with the whole reversal that weighs on me so much, I just want it so badly.

**Darlene** · 08-16-2011, 08:31 AM

I'm not a step mom but if you haven't already, I think you need to talk to your husband. Too much isn't being said that needs to be out in the open. It's not "wrong" to feel some of the things you feel but nothing can get better if people are afraid to talk. It starts with you and hubby. Good luck!

**Nishu** · 08-16-2011, 10:16 AM

I'm sorry.

You sound like an amazing stepmom and any kid would be lucky to have you. It's not your fault they haven't bonded with you yet. I remember being a kid and I used to do that same stuff, I'd ask my mom for things rather than say it open in front of my stepdad. It really is just how kids are. It's kind of awkward being a stepkid. Give them time.

Is there any chance of you guys moving closer?

**erinalexmom** · 10-13-2011, 07:09 PM

If it makes you feel any better it takes at least 3 to 4 years for a stepfamily to start forming a bond. I am a stepmom and I understand how hard it is. But I knew we were finally cool when she told my husband that if he died she wants to live with me and her brother and sister (the biokids of me and my husband) It only took 10 years! LOL

**nvmommyx6** · 02-06-2012, 10:44 PM

That's a "stepchild" thing girl!!
Hub's and I have 6 children! the 3 oldest are his and 3 youngest are mine, we have been together for 11 years and his kids STILL go to him to ask to do stuff, mine go to him or me it dont matter to them!
HOWEVER....... His were also older and trained horribly by his family and their bio mom to pretty much hate me and my kids for ALL TOO LONG
Step parenting is a tough row to hoe, but in the long run it is worth it.
One of the things I learned made all the difference in the world was going and doing things with them without their dad, just us! And through thier bitterness I spent the whole time silently praying "Love them through me Lord, Love them through me".....I still do, even after trials and tribulations from hell with his family's BS and the kids crap too! I still do...

**Missourimom** · 02-07-2012, 09:17 AM

Ah, step-parenting and all the joys that go along with it. lol. Hang in there...I've been doing it for 13 years and there are ups and downs.

**LynnLC** · 02-07-2012, 09:24 AM

It's is so heart warming to read about a stepmom like you....I wish they were all like you! You are doing great! Don't push it, just let things happen naturally...Listen, I have 4 bio kids & I could say "I love you" a million times to their 10...Lol. I'm lucky if they ever listen to me. Hehe. Do they individual interests? Maybe a quick mention of " Hey maybe we could go to the nail salon sometime? or " Hey, what's going on with your team?" (not sure their ages/gender) ya know?...

Have you/DH considered vasectomy reversal? Kinda personal but we're all family here at FV! Oh & welcome!

**Ponderer** · 02-07-2012, 10:40 AM

Originally Posted by LynnLC

It's is so heart warming to read about a stepmom like you....I wish they were all like you! You are doing great! Don't push it, just let things happen naturally...Listen, I have 4 bio kids & I could say "I love you" a million times to their 10...Lol. I'm lucky if they ever listen to me. Hehe. Do they individual interests? Maybe a quick mention of " Hey maybe we could go to the nail salon sometime? or " Hey, what's going on with your team?" (not sure their ages/gender) ya know?...

Have you/DH considered vasectomy reversal? Kinda personal but we're all family here at FV! Oh & welcome!

The OP mentioned that her husband did go through a vasectomay reversal several months ago...but as of now there is still only a 10% chance of conceiving.

I just want to say to all of you stepparents....you amaze me. I always knew it was not something I could do and I have no doubt it takes a special person to do it, and more importantly do it well!

**oheoh's momma** · 02-07-2012, 11:36 AM

step parenting is the hardest jobin the world..... Hugs do your best...that is all u can do.. it sounds like u are doing a pretty good job to me..hugs

**LynnLC** · 02-07-2012, 12:10 PM

Originally Posted by Ponderer

The OP mentioned that her husband did go through a vasectomay reversal several months ago...but as of now there is still only a 10% chance of conceiving.

I just want to say to all of you stepparents....you amaze me. I always knew it was not something I could do and I have no doubt it takes a special person to do it, and more importantly do it well!

You're right. Oops, my bad. OP, have you considered other options as well?

**Russ** · 02-07-2012, 12:16 PM

The OP has not been back since she posted this thread in August of last year.

**bent** · 02-07-2012, 12:41 PM

so do the children resent not having their own rooms? why is it your fault that you weren't given much notice when they relocated back to where you/dh live. are you all going to go for shared custody now that they are living closer to you?
ok that was just off the top of my head.....
now kids always hope that mama/daddy will get back together even if dad is remarried to a wonderful person such as yourself. (how old are the kids?), I'm a product of divorce and a stepmom- when my dss said him mom said that my dd was his half sister I asked him which half he wanted to claim the end that needs feeding or the end that needs cleaning? he was only 5 or six at the time.
if the children are old enough to sit down with you and their dad for an honest talk. ask them how they feel about you without having to deal with consequences of speaking their truth let it be an open healing talk if possible. they are most likely resentful of your place in their dad's life. be patient, talk to your dh about the situation don't let it fester inside, and believe it or not one day they will come to realize that you are their for them even when they didn't want you to be and just maybe they will have matured and grown into fine people and they will realize that maybe (if mom was bad mouthing you) mom was wrong.
prayers sent to you and yours.