problems with DH and DD

**Palooka** · 12-20-2011, 08:18 PM

I'm going to say something from a different angle. I wonder how many here that have commented have ever been a step-parent? It's very challenging to say the least.

Your DH probably feels hurt because he spent time raising her and he never got credit, probably never will, but only from you. Not all step-kids come around, no matter what the step-parent does, so I'm guessing he is lashing out because he is angry and hurt. Yep, step-parents can get hurt.

However, it's his job to reach out to her, not the other way around. He really needs to grow up and deal with his emotions. I hope he doesn't mean what he say's. If he does, well....of course my kids come first.

I can totally understand you feeling 'stuck in the middle.'

**Nishu** · 12-20-2011, 08:36 PM

Arnie, have you had issues with your dh in the past? I may be thinking of someone else, but I seem to remember you feeling that you wanted to leave your dh just maybe a year ago. Are you still considering it?

In any case, I'd do what I wished without being secretive or antagonistic and just let the chips fall where they may. He's being unreasonable and controlling. Sorry for what you're going through.

**Paws** · 12-20-2011, 09:04 PM

Depending on the laws in your state, whether your name is on the house or not, it may be half yours anyway...something to consider or look into.

You really need to do some deep soul searching...either put up with the petty behavior by your DH and miss out on your DD's wedding and future or make a stand and have all. NO ONE should EVER make you choose between your own child(ren) and them...very controlling behavior...not very healthy...raises red flags...

If my dh attempted this with me and my children,((my ds is dh's stepson)), he would be out the door so fast, he would be wondering what hurricane just blew him through the door...yes, I love my hubby, but I would never tolerate this type issue.

I truly wish you the best of luck with this problem, and I'll be praying you'll find a peaceful solution.

**mom21ofeach** · 12-21-2011, 09:17 AM

I am sure being a step-parent is hard. My sister is a step-parent, and I have many friends who are as well. The best relationships between step-parents and kids I have seen are those where the adult does not try to parent the child. I know it is difficult, especially when the kids are small, but the new spouse is not the parent and should not expect to be treated like one. That is not to say the adult should put up with misbehavior or abuse from the child. It is a tricky situation, and one I have seen several second marriages fall apart over.

You said your husband was strict with your kids. It is very possible they are resentful of him. Have you tried to talk to your daughter honestly? What may have been well meaning parenting on your husbands part could very well have come off as being mean to a young child. She may feel as if you chose your husband over them if you tolerated what she considered mean behavior. Just throwing out ideas.

Your husband is being unreasonable, as others have stated. Do not allow him to come between you and your kids. That is unfair. The fact that he is making you choose is, in my opinion, a form of abuse.

**krbshappy71** · 12-21-2011, 10:02 AM

Hugs to you. I am so sorry you are going through this. My mom is VERY controlled by my dad, he could totally make her ban any of us kids, she would totally do it. I've been disowned twice.

I, on the other hand, would walk away from anyone that tried to control me in that way. I grew up watching her be controlled and have big relationship issues sometimes because I view almost anything a guy does as controlling. Really annoying habit of mine.

That being said, I just found out I'm going to be a grandma, and there's noooooo wayyyyy any man would tell me what I can and cannot do for my grandchild both financially and physically as far as having them visit, etc.

If my daughter was violent, lying, stealing, those types of behavior then I would probably bow to the the request that she not be allowed in my house because that would be putting his life and valuables at risk in our own house. But I would still pursue my relationship with her outside of that "rule" if it was put in place. So I guess we don't know all the details obviously and there are some situations where yes I would probably bend. But not seeing my grandbaby? Cannot imagine that being put upon me.

I hope you can find a resolution, some boundaries that you can both agree to, rather than this "all or nothing" blanket situation.

**Missourimom** · 12-21-2011, 11:33 AM

Well, I think it's wrong to tell her that she or your future grandchildren are not welcome, I would step back and take a breath and figure out a way to explain to him that is not acceptable.

On the other hand, I made the decision not to attend my stepdaughter's wedding and I believe it was a good choice. He probably feels awkward and not welcomed and this is his way of dealing with the rejection....not the best way, but it's the only way he knows how.

Talk, talk, talk is the only way to get through this. I am not going to tell you to run to the nearest lawyer and file for a divorce because I don't think you should. It's not always easy having a blended family and there will be ups and downs. Hang in there and try to work things out.

**LuvMyHubby** · 12-23-2011, 07:53 AM

Wow. My heart goes out to you, it sounds like he has something stuck in his craw for sure. Does he not realize that tossing her out may have made for some resentment? I'm sure that step-parenting is a tough and thankless job but then again biological parents (even well intended hands on) don't always feel the appreciation we think we should.

I know that you love him and I would not be the person to suggest that you have all out argument/seperation or what not, but if it were me and my husband were essentially trying to make me choose or even restrict what I can and cannot do or where with/for my child..........he would know that he may not like the choice because plainly put it would be a cold day in Hades when anyone comes between me and my child or dares try.

**Pianolady** · 12-23-2011, 09:29 AM

Have you told your husband how you feel about this ultimatum on the grandchildren? Stand up for what you believe, tell him (without yelling preferably) how you feel about that and that you are not willing to go along with that. If you never tell him, you'll be reinforcing his childish behavior. Of course, I don't know enough about your situation to know if this is really a good idea, you'll have to be the judge of that.

I wouldn't threaten separation when you express your views at this point. You should never say this unless you are really planning to go through with it.

I'd go to the wedding without him. When it comes time for children to visit, I'd give him the option of going to a hotel when they visit, as no grandchildren of mine will ever be banned from my house! lol

**Missourimom** · 12-23-2011, 11:12 AM

I'm glad others are telling you to discuss this issue with your dh and not just throw your hands up in the air. Most of the time, things are much more complicated and involved than what can be expressed in a post on the internet. My own choice not to attend my stepdaughter's wedding (even though I raised her) was quite complicated. This was just a couple of months ago and now her and I are planning on a visit to the casino. We talk and do things together. Things can work out, but he needs to learn to step back and act appropriate. Just try and guide him through this and give your daughter lots of love and don't tell her the things he's saying......they're most likely not words he really means.

**erinalexmom** · 12-23-2011, 03:58 PM

Originally Posted by mom21ofeach

I am sure being a step-parent is hard. My sister is a step-parent, and I have many friends who are as well. The best relationships between step-parents and kids I have seen are those where the adult does not try to parent the child. I know it is difficult, especially when the kids are small, but the new spouse is not the parent and should not expect to be treated like one. That is not to say the adult should put up with misbehavior or abuse from the child. It is a tricky situation, and one I have seen several second marriages fall apart over.

This! I am a stepparent AND a stepchild. My stepdaughter and my relationship is much better now that I treat her as such. I am kind to her and I care for her very much/love her/yet not the same as my children and she doesnt love me as much as her mom and thats ok

Do we always get along? nope do we have some very hard times? yes but I look at myself as a support to her parents not a replacement to them. But she lives with us full time and she is welcome here and her children are welcome here forever. She has even decided if God forbid something would happen to my husband before she is grown she will stay and live with myself and my children.

**oheoh's momma** · 12-23-2011, 07:22 PM

THERAPY..... GROUP and Individual. sorry that u are stuck in the middle this is gonna take lots of work, tears, and time if it ever gets repaired. She is your child hell no he can't ban her....and I would tell him that cuz if u don't there goes the anger at u.... hugs honey