problems with DH and DD

**arnie** · 12-20-2011, 09:35 AM

My DH and my DD (from previous marriage) have had problems getting along for years. There was not any particular issue that occurred between them that I am aware of. They just are not close. My DH and SS have had issues in the past and I think DD has been intimidated by their arguments. This past summer, DH decided that my DD needed to move out since she did not contribute any to the household in the sense of helping around the house, and due to his jealousy over the amount of time that my DD spent with her bf 's family due to some problems that they were dealing with. My DD and I have had a pretty close relationship and now she is engaged. DH has told me that he will NOT attend the wedding and we are NOT helping her in anyway. In fact, if she winds up having children they are not welcome in our house. As you can imagine, I am caught in the middle and pretty distressed about it. I have asked my DD to reach out to DH, but she never does. What can I do?
I just want peace!!!!

**LynnLC** · 12-20-2011, 10:02 AM

DH was jealous of your DD? He is stating DD or her future child are not welcome in the home? You have quite an issue on your hands. IMHO, he would be history.

I hope you come to some peace with this situation.

**carlitasway** · 12-20-2011, 10:09 AM

I personally couldn't stay with a man that would make me choose between him and my child. I wish you the best in figuring this situation out.

**FrabjousDay** · 12-20-2011, 10:14 AM

From your brief description, why would your daughter want to reach out to him???

HE tossed her from the house. HE is jealous. HE has said he won't attend her wedding. HE has said any children she has are unwelcome. Yikes.

**Lady_V** · 12-20-2011, 10:15 AM

um... ditto the first 2

I couldn't live in emotional isolation -- and to say that not only my DD but future grandkids aren't allowed in MY house???? pfft... they will ALWAYS be welcome in MY house, even if it means it's not HIS house.

Best of luck on this one.

**McD** · 12-20-2011, 10:32 AM

I would never stay with a man that would make me pick between my child and him.

**CrazyCat** · 12-20-2011, 10:33 AM

Yes..i'm with LadyV on this.

I'm sorry you're stuck in the middle.

**Russ** · 12-20-2011, 10:53 AM

Playing devils advocate here...
(NOT MY OPINION)

A divorce is VERY VERY hard, not an easy thing to decide and I'm thinking Arnie LOVES her DH. That in mind, how hard would it be to file for a divorce from someone you dislike vs someone you LOVE?

Just more to think about and again > (NOT MY OPINION)

**nodmicks** · 12-20-2011, 11:11 AM

I would be more than hurt and furious at your dh's statement. If I had to pick between my child and dh my child will always win and I love dh as much as life its self!

**onencgirl** · 12-20-2011, 11:19 AM

I would never allow a man to come between me and my child(den).

**mamachop** · 12-20-2011, 11:28 AM

From what you stated in your post, I don't think I could blame your DD for not wanting to reach out to your DH. I hate to say it, but from what you said, I think your DH is the one with a major problem.

There has to be something that was said or done between the two for things to be that bad.

Just my opinion, I would not let anyone come between me and my child or children, DH included.

**zakity** · 12-20-2011, 04:29 PM

Yeah, I agree with the whole "choosing thing". If I had to choose between a husband and a child. The husband goes. I don't care how much I love him. My opinion would be that he obviously doesn't love me that much if he is making me choose.

And, if your name is on the house, it is half yours and if he can say that she and the kids can't come in, then you can say that she and the kids can. It is your house also.

Good luck. It sounds like a tough situation.

**arnie** · 12-20-2011, 05:46 PM

Yes I love DH.
DH has raised my DD 20 since she was 4. In my mind, my DD resents some of my DH bad habits. While he has been good father, he has been over protective and strict with the kids. I think he has wanted to be close to my DD but she has not been close with him. One of the things that he says hurts him is that she has never called him on his cell phone in the 15 yrs we have been together. It may seem trivial, but I do understand how that might be hurtful.
I really feel stuck in the middle, and that really hurts. I should be exicted and wanting to help her plan her wedding, but spending time with her seems to hurt him more because in (his mind) he says she acts like he is invisible. So Yes I feel like I am being asked to choose.
Not fun.

**bookwormpeg** · 12-20-2011, 06:02 PM

I would not allow anyone to come between me and my children. Time for husband to grow up or he would be sitting on the curb no matter how much I loved him.......HE needs to be the parent and reach out to your daughter NOT the other way around...good luck....

**Sara Noel** · 12-20-2011, 06:47 PM

It is my sincere wish that your daughter cuts ties and lives a happy life because she deserves better than this. It is also my wish that she doesn't waste a minute more of her life trying to make sense of what is absolutely senseless.

Banning children before they are even born?

As a survivor of a dysfunctional family, all I can say is that you don't get to pick the people that breed ya, but you sure as heck can pick the people that bleed ya.