single girl considering marrying a divorced dad, need advice

**ama** · 01-30-2012, 07:50 PM

I agree with the OP, you have to go into these situations with a full understanding. It's one of those things you can't even fully comprehend until you're actually in it. Just know that these two parents will be battling forever, it won't end with the divorce, or the custody hearing and this child may or may not ever accept you even if you have both arms open.

That being said I believe everyone gets another shot at love. Imagine if those of us divorced etc never got to be in a relationship ever again? Cruel. I became a dsm 11 years ago. When she was with us in the summer she was my BFF. Everytime she returned to her mother she had no want to have any kind of relationship. FFWD all these years later, we haven't laid eyes on her in 6 years. They only call when there's a bill of some sort. I feel sorry for my DH as his child was moved 3000 miles away without any thought or consideration to him or his child and their relationship never had a chance. I have no regrets in marrying a man who was divorce and had a child but its not always been an easy road for sure. If you sound frustrated its' no worse than any feeling anyone else hasnt' thought and this should be a safe place for you to sort it all out. Blended familiies are fast becoming very common but there's no book, no cut and dry rules. Very little support honestly.

**mombottoo** · 01-30-2012, 10:03 PM

Originally Posted by qq

.....If I leave this relationship, what can I do to hurt him less and hurt myself less?

It's going to hurt no matter what you do but, it will hurt more the longer you stay. When it comes right down to it you are responsible for your happiness and he is responsible for his...but, if you stay in this relationship where you are unable to come to terms with the fact that his son will always be his responsibiity you will have a very long, hard road to go down in the future.

My eldest is not my dh's bio son (although my dh did adopt him), my dd is step-mom to 3 children and her dh is step-dad to her son from a previous marriage and they have 1 child incommon (all 5 live with them), my ds1 is step-dad to 2 children who he & his dw have custody of, my ds2 was step-dad to 1 whom he adopted...believe me I know what blended families are and the stress that goes along with them.

I have 10 grandchildren whom I love dearly, not all of them are blood...yet, they all have equal footing in this family.

**Mojjo** · 02-07-2012, 11:49 AM

I have been a custodial stepmom for over 10 years. We have one son together. SS is about to graduate from high school and go to college. I can't imagine doing any less for him than I will for DS. And I wouldn't respect DH if he wanted to do less for one son then the other (all things being equal). Expecting your DH to treat his older son and your bios with him together is not realistic and is down right wrong.

I don't believe you marry the ex wife, but I do believe that SS will be part of your family and you don't sound ready for that.

**bent** · 02-16-2012, 05:24 PM

don't do it. if your this resentful now, it's not going to change. end it and wait for the right one for you.
my dss never really 'warmed up' to me and I've been in his life since he was 5 , he lived with me/dh for a yr and half while his mom was married to a gay man. he's now 22 and has come to realize that his dad isn't so bad after all neither are his sister or brother and maybe his mom had a clouded judgement.
seriously though, your bf's son will always come first as he should.
I would be asking myself this ? why does a man who's still married have a gf?

**oheoh's momma** · 02-16-2012, 06:01 PM

well i have read this and re read this..

Being a step mom is hard u can love the man and kids to pieces but u will always be second and u have to take that place willing...

But then the kids will do things to make u look the wicked step mom.. lie on u, steal off of u... this is what my step children has done to me...

I love my kids but it has finally broke me..My husband and I were talking this morning my stepson is verably abusive to me.. well I asked him for the house key back...
My husband said it wasn't fair becasue I wouldn't do that to my daughter.. I said she does not abuse me she might start who knows but she no place to go but moms.. He has a mother, another stepmother, an aunt and grandparents... so i do not have to be abused..

step parent can be rewarding when all parties work together... but this is a rariety not the exception..

It has took 11 years to work out what it is... I love my step kids they are great kids..... but the my duaghter, his oldest son, and youngest daughter did everything to break us up so they would not have to mind us..

think about it and good luck