Help me understand

[hwmabire3]

My husband has been diagnosed with clinical depression. He is currently taking Effexor daily.

There are many times that I have been angry with him and called him lazy, among other things. I just don't understand how someone can lay in bed ALL DAY LONG and then stay up all night playing video games or watching TV.

Anyway, back to the purpose of this thread.

Please help me to understand what would be the most effective communication. For example, if I don't like something he's doing, how can I say so in a way that won't just deepen the depression further?

Is there anything I can do that would help him to not feel the need to stay in bed all day?

Should I make attempts to engage him in conversation, or is it best that I just leave him alone?

I know it's difficult to answer these questions about someone whom you've never met, but you all share the common bond of depression, and even the slightest bit of insight might be helpful.

Thanks!

[dutchtulip]

I have no answers to your questions.

But offer up a prayer that with time you both will come to understand and live with this disease.

dutchtulip

[Momto2Boyz]

You might talk to his doctor about some actual therapy to go along with the medication he is taking. I have dealt with depression on and off and luckily with me, found the root cause of it (it was hormone related, and set off by birth control). But I have dealt with it on and off until I was about 25 and found the cause.

Unfortunately, the problem is inside of his mind. His life may look fantastic from the outside, but to him it may look bleak and not so great. Now, in your opinion his life may be great...part of the problem with depression is that it is how he percieves things and not how things actually are that cause the problem.

Give his medication some time to work, it can sometimes take months to get it right. And talk to his doctor with him, if it doesn't seem to be helping after a bit. I know that they usually don't get the dosage right the first time and sometimes have to adjust it until they find the amount that helps.

It may also help to have someone outside the home to talk to. He may want to talk to you or talk to someone about it...but he may feel he is too close to you and is afraid that you will judge him (not saying will, just speaking from experience...I never felt comfortable talking to DH about my depression), so an outside source may be best.

Good luck to you. I know when I was suffering with it, DH was a saint. I realized after the fact, that my depression may have been harder on him than it was on me. I hope you get things figured out, keep us updated! And keep your chin up, things should get better!

[nuisance26]

~Your DH doesn't want to be depressed. The pain it causes can be so overwhelming that a person completely withdraws. Having experienced depression myself I can tell you that a supportive partner is worth their weight in gold. My DH never complained when the house was so messy you could barely walk through it or when we had ramen noodles for the third straight night. He was also very supportive physically with lots of hugs. It's nearly impossible to expect good communication from a depressed person. I know this because multiple people have told me about things I said and conversations I had with them when I was depressed and I have no memory of it whatsoever. Basically my advice for you is to be the kind of partner you would want if you were ill or depressed. I'm not trying to criticize you at all because it has to be extremely hard watching someone you love go through this. It disrupts your life and hurts you too. I did have one more idea, and that is to have company over more often. Start with short visits. If you know any couples that would be ideal. Don't expect DH to be happy or supportive of this idea, however, it will do him alot of good!~

[Michelle]

First let me commend you on trying to help your dh and understand this disease. Your dh is very lucky to have you. Depression isn't any easy thing for people not afflicted to understand, and sometimes it's hard for us to explain what we're going through. I know a lot of people just dismiss it (sadly, my parents come to mind) and think that I'm making it up or being a hypochondriac or whatever. Kudos to you for trying to understand what's going on.

Here are some links to sites that may also help you:

http://www.ifred.org/ifacts.html

http://www.familyaware.org/

Sarah gave you some great advice.Outside therapy is a great idea. Talking to someone trained in this area would help so much if he doesn't feel comfortable opening up to you.

Also, keep in mind that your dh may need to try different meds before finding the one that works for him. I'm taking Welbutrin, and this is the fourth antidepressant that I've tried in 8 yrs.

You both are on the right track, and Sarah is right--things will get better for you. If you ever want to talk, just drop me a PM.

[elphie]

When I was facing depression the thing that helped me more than anything was dh's compassion and his encouragement when things were going well. These little moments helped me see light through the fog and made me want more of the same. When he would get frustrated with me I would pull further back as a defense mechanism because deep in the fog I didn't have to feel bad or guilty about what I was doing to him. Meds helped, so did therapy but both took time.

As for the sleep all day up all night scenerio he may not be able to sleep at night. My therapist prescribed sleeping pills to help me regulate my sleep patterns because they were so out of sync. At night it was dark, quiet, and I didn't have to face the people who I was hurting. After a while I had messed up my internal clock and couldn't regulate my sleep on my own.

Good luck to you both.

[GM97]

My husband has been diagnosed with clinical depression. He is currently taking Effexor daily.

There are many times that I have been angry with him and called him lazy, among other things. I just don't understand how someone can lay in bed ALL DAY LONG and then stay up all night playing video games or watching TV.

Anyway, back to the purpose of this thread.

Please help me to understand what would be the most effective communication. For example, if I don't like something he's doing, how can I say so in a way that won't just deepen the depression further?

Is there anything I can do that would help him to not feel the need to stay in bed all day?

Should I make attempts to engage him in conversation, or is it best that I just leave him alone?

I know it's difficult to answer these questions about someone whom you've never met, but you all share the common bond of depression, and even the slightest bit of insight might be helpful.

Thanks!

Please understand that depression hurts (this is what they said in the commercial), physically, mentally and emotionally. My husband used to take Prozac for years then for some reason it stopped working, the psychiatrist prescribed different types of medicines, combinations until he got tired of it. His depression got worst 2 years ago, he continued working but when he gets home, he stays in the spare bedroom in the dark with loud music. He gets irritated easily and did not help in the housework. When we finally found a wonderful psychiatrist he prescribed two medicines that took about a month to kick in but he is doing great right now. Please be patient to him, it is very hard especially if you have kids, but understand that he doesn't want it. My husband actually explained to me that when he was going thru that rough time, he felt like he was inside a small box hurting so bad but didn't know why. To add, therapy did not work for him, the psychiatrist recommended but he just doesn't like talking to strangers about his feelings.

[ladykemma2]

my ex-husband described depression as "trying to walk through molasses". hope that helps.

[JustMegan79]

I second the idea that he may need more than one med to try to get the right one. I have been on and off anti's since I was 19. Ten years. I have been on:
Serzone, Celex, Paxil, Prozac, Klonopin, Xanax, Adderall, Ativan, Straterra, Compazine, Trazadone, Depakote, amongst others.

Nothing stuck, and especailly nothing that caused weight gain.

So now I am simply on Adderall and an as needed anxiety med. I stopped agreeing to all the meds and I feel ok...but not great. I feel now like the hole is trying to swallow me, and I am trying to fend it off.

It is like...you know what you need to do, you know what you should do, you feel terrible already and knowing you need to do something different than lay around and then stay up all night and stop letting down people around yu just makes you feel worse, physically and mentally.

Its like a fog...sometimes like Nuisance said I will be talking and have no recollection of why or what I have discussed.

Sometimes I just want to be alone, most of the time I do. Somoetimes though I want dh to talk to me and ask me about things and let me know he loves me and supports me...

I am sorry you are going through this all and I hope that youare able to communicate with dh in a way he understands.

Try it not in an I need, and YOu never way, if you know what I mean. Just ask about his life, make him awareyou love him an that you miss his participation in your life.

Sending you and him hugs and thoughts.

Meg

[Jayne]

There really is nothing you can say to make him stop sleeping...That is one of the things that I did before meds and sometimes I still have to fight to keep from staying in bed all day..I think that it is a form of escape from the dark feelings and the anxiety...I wish you both the best

[Jskell911]

I too think you should be commended for trying to understand. My husband is absolutely wonderful! I have severe clinical depression, compounded with PTSD and Anxiety disorder- not to mention a very recent descent into surgical menopause and hormone therapy.

While my DH knows he will never actually understand what I go through, he has learned to recognize signs of any impending spiral before I even do. This helps me in the long run. He is very sympathetic and it's the small things he does that helps the most. Stuff like cooking, playing games with DS, and encouraging me to do something to pamper myself. He also gets more cuddly and affectionate, because he knows when I descend I am very insecure about myself. He is aware that an extra hug, a stray touch or even a "look" out of nowhere help me to realize I am worthwhile.

Try looking for the small things he is able to take pleasure in when he's at his down spot. Encourage these things. Give him a hug and an offer of someone to talk to, but realize he may not want to talk. Asking what's wrong may get you no answers, because he may not know what is wrong. My worst depressions stem from nothing. These are the worst because I get frustrated with myself because I know there is no reason to feel so awful, and that in turn makes me feel worse.

Good luck, I know that it must me so horrible watching the man you love suffer so much and know you can;t change it. Stay strong!

[Edna_E]

People often think depression means unhappy - and it doesn't. It is typically a chemical imbalance in the brain, and often requires chemicals to fix it. There are other things that tend to help, like exercise and eating certain things, and sometimes there are "tools" that can help also which is where a psychologist can be of help.

To communicate, try suggesting rather than demanding. Try to be specific - "Can you please do this now?" instead of "Can you please do this sometime today?" Try to realize that the physical symptoms of depression are no more his choice than the physical symptoms of stress would be - would you expect him to be able to just decide not to have a sore throat and make it work?

Also, you may need some support in dealing with this yourself - find someone that you can talk to, vent to, cry to, or whatever you need when you need it. If you do not have someone closer, I will volunteer. I have dealt with that issue from both sides.