recovery from divorce and everything else - warning: may trigger

[ladykemma2]

there was a question about "the hardest part of getting out of debt". i typed this up and realized it was better suited for this sub forum.

i was abused in every way a child can be abused by the monsters who called themselves parents. i have done a lot of work (12 step and professional counseling) in this area and consider myself healed and quite well. i have nothing to do with my family of origin for any reason at any time. i can usually pinpoint where i am in my recovery by asking myself "how old am i feeling right now? "

in the course of therapy there were several "kids" who were identified who needed special care, and were allowed to grow up and get their needs met. i take special care of them now.

now back to the question: what was the hardest part of getting out of debt? this triggered the whole diatribe.
i was in debt from october 2007 to february 2008 paying for the fallout from divorce. i was in survival mode, deep grief, and dinosaur brain. not functioning well at all. Creeping about.

the hardest part was sitting my inner brat (she's about 5-10 years old) in a chair, finger in face, not to get up or move, telling her to behave herself, until times were better.

my inner kid is the one with very expensive taste. she is the one who causes trouble (compulsive debting) when feeling deprived or ignored. she wants what she wants when she wants it. i have to keep a tight rein on her.

My inner kid is getting her needs met now, inexpensively. Last night i ate frugal dinner with fine china and silver. she sleeps in real linen sheets. she got two tiny vacation trips this summer. she got some inexpensive jewelry.

my inner teenager is the one who eats and eats and eats to feel better. she puts on layers of fat to avoid her fathers voyueristic eyes. She likes new clothes and makeup and to feel like she belongs. she is very present and needy for me right now. she is the one who compulsively overeats and picks bad men. codependent and taking care of everyone else.
she is not getting her needs met very well at the moment -- I am quite fat.

my inner teenager got new clothes this month and i am aware that she needs some social life and to get her needs met to stop eating. i am attracting bad men like a magnet right now and am not dating for this reason. i know from experience that this will pass.

my 20 something is the partier, hellraiser, rebellious, angry, and alcoholic.

my inner old lady has a pretty garden and freshly painted house.

my creative self - the seamstress, the historical clothing /research persona, the elizabethan/tudor lady is not present. she's not ready. she is hiding. she is my full expression of years of recovery, my full creative adult self. my sewing mistress/ SCA teacher is pressing her to come out. I'm not there yet, i feel like beatrice potter in "miss potter" in the grieving scenes -- "I can't".

this divorce knocked me to my knees and i am newly aware that i am passing through all my developmental stages again. the "old lady" cared for me until i could toddle. i gardened when i could barely breathe from the pain of the divorce. the inner kid had to sit on a chair while the adult survival part of me took over. she got let off the chair in the spring.

the teenager is very present now.

the sewing part of me will come later.

i am not looking for any thoughts, just need a place to say this.

[Jskell911]

I know you said you weren't looking for any thoughts, but your post struck me. Not in a "trigger" way, although it could have, as we have had similar experiences. I just wanted to comment quickly on how you analyze yourself in the many stages of your life. I like that, it seems like it would be helpful. Is it? It's hard for me to figure out what my triggers are sometimes. They seem random, but you seem to have a great handle on where yours come from.

[starsapphire]

Hugs to you ladykemma You can pm me anytime if you need to talk.

From one 12-stepper to another. (13 years)

[PrairieRose]

That was very poignant Thanks for sharing it. As a grown child who suffered from sexual abuse (not by the hands of a family member) and have some abandoment issues I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I was obese for 25 years while I 'worked through' my issues. If you ever need to talk I'm here as well....you can pm me or we can email.

[ladykemma2]

thanks for your replies.

my sponsor has gone to heaven but i learned how to sponsor others from her , and sponsor myself. my sponsor was a licensed professional counselor, as well as the counselor i saw weekly. so i got the daily/double whammy of mental health counseling.

sooo, (sponsoring myself)... i have the whole day to myself. what are the needs of a teenager? new lipstick? hair? facial? pedicure? nail polish? girly stuff? zit biore strips? appearance is everything to a teenager.

i was at the AA meetings at the Post Oak Club last night and felt "left out" when all the "going out after" groups were going out. Next saturday I will ask if I may go too.

i will nurture my friendships.

i went to a singles dance at my church on friday night and had a blast. I will go again. I met a nice man who walked me out to my car, but am wary that he is a sicko sex addict. He might not be one. I will pay attention.

i am kicking myself that I didn't ask him to go to the singles temple night happening next friday night. I got all shy and fled. i need practice dating.

well, it was my first outing. that reminds me: i need to account to my friend that 1. I went. 2. i stayed for an hour 3. i spoke to 6 people (accountability)

I am so afraid i will attract another sex addict. My therapist who saw me through the divorce reassured me that i will not and will notice right away if something is amiss. she keeps saying as long as i don't act like the walking wounded i should attract a healthy man who walks with god.

[ladykemma2]

I know you said you weren't looking for any thoughts, but your post struck me. Not in a "trigger" way, although it could have, as we have had similar experiences. I just wanted to comment quickly on how you analyze yourself in the many stages of your life. I like that, it seems like it would be helpful. Is it? It's hard for me to figure out what my triggers are sometimes. They seem random, but you seem to have a great handle on where yours come from.

the CoSA 12 step program taught me this deep level recovery stuff. I highly recommend it. it is a program for "codependents of sex addicts" - goes way deeper than other 12 step programs. it takes one back to childhood where one became programmed to cater to sex addicts. it goes deeper and broader than SIA (survivors of incest anonymous), because it teaches you how to be adult and deal with this stuff and go on to have a life.

i still trigger, but it is less often now. I can completely dissociate (ceiling anyone?) if i get around a perpetrator and my adult self doesn't see it right away. My inner kid is my best alarm. sometimes if i have been around a perpetrator i can get "trigger backlash", i start acting bananas 24 hours later. so i have to think back to "who have i been around lately"

i learned from my sponsor how to age regress someone and bring them out of it, but am out of practice. she used to do this with me. i won't dare start this unless i am active in the CoSA program again. Age regressions are spontaneous and can be very healing if handled correctly. I am in an age regression presently - this whole weekend i have been 16

AA is neanderthal compared to CoSA

[Michelle68]

Hugs to you, Ladykemma. You are a very brave and strong individual. Thank you for your post.


--Michelle

[emily_hope]

(((HUGS))) What an amazing post. Thanks for sharing. I, myself, was sexually abused by a family member when I was young. It was buried deep within and was triggered when I had my first child. My DMother was watching my DD and when I arrived to pick her up, my abuser was there. I totally freaked and then started having all these flashbacks. It was terrible. It was like living through it all again. I have also survived a divorce. Well, still trying to survive it. I still have to deal with the ex because of our DDs. He was verbally abusive and a control freak. We've been divorced for 14 years and he still tries to control me.

I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Again, thanks for your post. (((HUGS)))

[Cricket1]

Haven't been through anything like this, but I really enjoyed this post. I admire all the knowledge you have about yourself. Nice way of writing all, too.

[FrugalWitch]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My stepfather sexually abused me from appr age 7 to age 18. I was also raped at gunpoint by a stranger when I was 17. I got morbidly obese to avoid any sexual attention as well.

I'm still morbidly obese despite losing well over 100 pounds at two different points in my life. As soon as strangers start flirting or giving me compliments I panic and eat and eat and eat.

[ladykemma2]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My stepfather sexually abused me from appr age 7 to age 18. I was also raped at gunpoint by a stranger when I was 17. I got morbidly obese to avoid any sexual attention as well.

I'm still morbidly obese despite losing well over 100 pounds at two different points in my life. As soon as strangers start flirting or giving me compliments I panic and eat and eat and eat.

yes, when i see large people i wonder at their history. i also acknowledge PCOS and other hormonal/glandular/thyroid stuff can also be happening.

update: i ended up giving myself a baking soda facial scrub, and biore zit strips. The stuff that comes out of pores is fascinating in a 12 year old (...ewww. gross!...) point of view.

[GiddyMoon]

It takes a lot of courage and strength to talk about all of this in such a constructive way. Emotional abuse can hold onto us on so many levels over our entire lifetime if we do not actively take hold of it.

I too was in an emotionally abusive marriage for 10 years and raised by an abused mother and divorce was the best thing I could have done for my kids and myself. I have tried very hard not to let past hurts play into my new life and marriage...and it makes a world of difference...but I too still have my inner demons...hugs.

[Goodwin17]

Thank you so much for this post. Coming from someone who is just starting the baby steps of therapy, and I'm not even sure who I am and what all is wrong with me yet. This shows me how much hope there is and that you can truly know yourself through and through. It is comforting. I am very obese, but I was not sexually abused. I was however verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abused by my stepfather for many years.

[ladykemma2]

Thank you so much for this post. Coming from someone who is just starting the baby steps of therapy, and I'm not even sure who I am and what all is wrong with me yet. This shows me how much hope there is and that you can truly know yourself through and through. It is comforting. I am very obese, but I was not sexually abused. I was however verbally, psychologically, and emotionally abused by my stepfather for many years.

therapy is totally worth it. "family of origin" work is painful as h(bleep), but you will get through it. and one day on the other side the sun will be shining.

may i recommend 12 step groups for abuse survivors, to help make friends, and support people? in a healthy group people are getting better, NOT STUCK, not whining about the same stuff for years. or professional victim.

i found the stuart smalley video very comforting during this rough time.

[ladykemma2]

there was a question about "the hardest part of getting out of debt". i typed this up and realized it was better suited for this sub forum.

i was abused in every way a child can be abused by the monsters who called themselves parents. i have done a lot of work (12 step and professional counseling) in this area and consider myself healed and quite well. i have nothing to do with my family of origin for any reason at any time. i can usually pinpoint where i am in my recovery by asking myself "how old am i feeling right now? "

in the course of therapy there were several "kids" who were identified who needed special care, and were allowed to grow up and get their needs met. i take special care of them now.

now back to the question: what was the hardest part of getting out of debt? this triggered the whole diatribe.
i was in debt from october 2007 to february 2008 paying for the fallout from divorce. i was in survival mode, deep grief, and dinosaur brain. not functioning well at all. Creeping about.

the hardest part was sitting my inner brat (she's about 5-10 years old) in a chair, finger in face, not to get up or move, telling her to behave herself, until times were better.

my inner kid is the one with very expensive taste. she is the one who causes trouble (compulsive debting) when feeling deprived or ignored. she wants what she wants when she wants it. i have to keep a tight rein on her.

My inner kid is getting her needs met now, inexpensively. Last night i ate frugal dinner with fine china and silver. she sleeps in real linen sheets. she got two tiny vacation trips this summer. she got some inexpensive jewelry.

my inner teenager is the one who eats and eats and eats to feel better. she puts on layers of fat to avoid her fathers voyueristic eyes. She likes new clothes and makeup and to feel like she belongs. she is very present and needy for me right now. she is the one who compulsively overeats and picks bad men. codependent and taking care of everyone else.
she is not getting her needs met very well at the moment -- I am quite fat.

my inner teenager got new clothes this month and i am aware that she needs some social life and to get her needs met to stop eating. i am attracting bad men like a magnet right now and am not dating for this reason. i know from experience that this will pass.

my 20 something is the partier, hellraiser, rebellious, angry, and alcoholic.

my inner old lady has a pretty garden and freshly painted house.

my creative self - the seamstress, the historical clothing /research persona, the elizabethan/tudor lady is not present. she's not ready. she is hiding. she is my full expression of years of recovery, my full creative adult self. my sewing mistress/ SCA teacher is pressing her to come out. I'm not there yet, i feel like beatrice potter in "miss potter" in the grieving scenes -- "I can't".

this divorce knocked me to my knees and i am newly aware that i am passing through all my developmental stages again. the "old lady" cared for me until i could toddle. i gardened when i could barely breathe from the pain of the divorce. the inner kid had to sit on a chair while the adult survival part of me took over. she got let off the chair in the spring.

the teenager is very present now.

the sewing part of me will come later.

i am not looking for any thoughts, just need a place to say this.

bump.
update: i can sew now, creativitiy is present, and am fully "there".

still attracting yucky men.