apprehensive of socializing
Results 1 to 11 of 11
  1. #1
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    1,419
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    5
    Rep Power
    14

    Red face apprehensive of socializing

    a new thought came to me in the past day or so.

    i think i'm afraid of socializing...

    this is hard for me...
    my mum growing up never allowed ppl in the house, never went out w/friends - i always even wondered if she had any.
    even now, w/all her kids grown and families of their own, she's 'stuck' in her house... goes to work, comes home, wakes up for the next day.
    never leaves the house except for errands. never sees or even talks to people on the phone.
    she gets along w/many ppl... but never does anything "friend-like" with them... going out for coffee, lunch, to talk... nothing.

    and it's THIS that I'm afraid of becoming.

    YET... at the same time, I feel like I'm afraid to approach people. I don't know where it stems from really... I just know it's awkward for ME to go out and socialize...

    I don't know how to get out there and meet people to make friends...
    I guess I could look into joining a craft club (so long as it's inexpensive!)... but then I get into the feeling of _guilt_ for "leaving my family" at home...

    I know... I'm a laundry list of insecurities! lol

    please, any thoughts or input is appreciated...
    no offense will be taken for truthful words.

    thanks

  2. #2
    Super Moderator Darlene's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Upstate NY
    Posts
    27,948
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    65

    Default

    You can do this. Your Mom has shut herself off & you are wise to know that it really isn't in your best interest to do so. Maybe she's afraid of getting close to people and all that entails, good and the bad. Maybe she doesn't feel like she's interesting or special. What ever her reasons they don't have to be yours. Start by joining a group you feel good about. Could be animals could be African violets, could be anything.
    It's awkward for just about anyone approaching anything new. Everyone feels that little twitch in their gut saying "omg, wth am I doing?!" But when you do try, most times it turns out better than you think and it's a step you can look back on as progress.
    Your Mom is your Mom & you are you with your own set of thoughts, dreams & goals. Reach for what makes you, you.
    Do it for you.
    Cheering you on.
    Last edited by Darlene; 09-09-2008 at 07:33 PM.

  3. #3
    Registered User zakity's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2005
    Location
    near Portland, Oregon
    Age
    44
    Posts
    2,929
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    26

    Default

    I totally understand. I have social anxieties. Actually, I can fake my way through social things really really well. And, I am really good at it.

    We homeschool and that is how I met people and found friends. I know people who have found friends by going to knitting groups and such.
    Beak-1996, Toad-1998, and Q-1998
    House payments left: 0

  4. #4
    Moderator Ceashels's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Baltimore, Md
    Posts
    4,008
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    32

    Default

    I was incredibly shy growing up and it wasn't until I got out of school and into the real world that I really had to overcome my issues with socialization. I still have difficulty reaching out to friends or being in large groups of people I don't personally know. I take a big breath and throw myself in "acting" like the person I wish I was. Sometimes it works for me and sometimes it backfires. LOL. Having a social network and friends can make a huge difference in how you perceive and enjoy your world.

    My brother is very shy, withdrawn and isolated. He has no one to "pal around" with and chooses not to work to improve his personal issues and his behaviors. So when ever there is a crisis for him he has no one to turn to, no friend to talk to, no ear to listen to him. We have been encouraging him for years to follow his interests in photography and geology and to take classes with other people to help build acquaintances and friendships. He chooses not to though he will tell us that it bothers him.

    I'm not talking about enjoying your own solitude. I'm talking about not enjoying life because you feel so alone and isolated it adds to depression. This is where my brother is at socially.

    You have recognized this behavior of isolation in you and your Mom. You say you are afraid of becoming the same as she is. You need to work to change it. The investment of time and perhaps some money is well worth developing the skills to nurture and maintain friendships and to have support group to help keep you grounded in a community. FV is wonderful but I don't feel it is the beginning and the end of socialization... No online community is.


    You mention guilt of leaving your family to perhaps enjoy life.... well what are you teaching them by isolating yourself from life? How much of what you are going thru is genetic and how much is learned? Do you want your family to perceive you as you perceive your Mom?

    I've used to be overwhelmed by how big the world is when I step outside the door. I took baby steps. I didn't change over night, but over the past 10-15 yrs I've made a big difference in how much I enjoy each day and how much I appreciate my friends. (I'm not a social butterfly and I have a few acquaintances, but I only have two friends and they make all the difference to me in my world.)

    I wish you luck in sorting things through. Self awareness is good, but continuing to grow and change for the better is awesome.
    The Free Spirit Saver who walks the path with Greebo.

    Onboard with a modified Dave Ramsey Plan
    Budget: "Every month! On paper, on purpose!"


    Gardening somewhere between Zone 6b and 7a.

  5. #5
    Rude and Vile Master Greebo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Baltimore, Maryland
    Age
    45
    Posts
    8,563
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    77

    Default

    Like Ceashels, putting on an act and pretending to be the outgoing person I wanted to be is exactly how I became someone who can be outgoing when I want or need to be.

    There are some excellent books out there that can help. "How to Win Friends and Influence People" is just one. There are also social clubs, like ToastMasters, which help people become more social network capable.

    The important thing is to do SOMETHING, while recognizing and ACCEPTING that you will make mistakes in the process. If that particular something works, great, and if not, then review it and change it next time.

    The alternative, doing nothing, is how your Mom got to where she is now, so you already know where that path leads.
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
    (Nerd Spender): Loving and extremely patiently tolerated husband of ceashels.
    WARNING: Y Chromosome behind the keyboard. Adjust your listening filters appropriately!

    Three
    Two mortgages, two one no car loans, one no credit cards, and a partridge in pear tree!

  6. #6
    Super Moderator Michelle's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2001
    Location
    Mass.
    Posts
    21,255
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    69
    Rep Power
    50

    Default

    You just described my mother & me. I worry about the same thing...and at the same time, I don't feel comfortable joining groups either. I am extremely shy, and I'm hoping that at some point I'll have the nerve to "fix" the issue.

    So my post is really pointless, except to tell you that you're not alone

  7. #7
    Moderator Ceashels's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    Location
    Baltimore, Md
    Posts
    4,008
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    2
    Rep Power
    32

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by Michelle View Post
    So the point of my post is pointless really, except to tell you that you're not alone
    Fixed it for you.
    The Free Spirit Saver who walks the path with Greebo.

    Onboard with a modified Dave Ramsey Plan
    Budget: "Every month! On paper, on purpose!"


    Gardening somewhere between Zone 6b and 7a.

  8. #8
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    1,419
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    5
    Rep Power
    14

    Default

    lol Ceashels, you crack me up... but thanks for the extra boost along w/ Michelle's post.

    The hardest part for me has been "admitting" all this publicly.

    Sometimes i just feel like a little girl trapped in a grown up body... lost and confused about what to do about "real" things, yknow??

    I know I already "fake" it when I'm out (at a class).
    It's funny... now I'm realizing some ppl actually ARE reaching out to me in a friendly way... but I've been dismissing it!

    Maybe they're looking for some 'acknowledgement' that "hi, i like you too."
    There's one (younger) lady in class to constantly talks to me and asks for advice & stuff (not that i'm a genius on what the class is about, but I guess I "look" like i know what i'm talking about! lol)... but she's always approaching _me_. Maybe I need to do the same.

    And rather than "fake" it all the way w/talking to her, I can just be a little more 'normal'/comfortable.

    I can definitely go to the library & check out some books.

    I have been (since yesterday) looking for groups around me to go to. Even if it's a crochet group that meets once a month... that's once a month more than I get outta the house.

    Another problem i feel is I get along better with older women than I do younger... though I'm around younger women a LOT more.
    And maybe it's got to do w/my life experience has made me a little more mature and a little more synical too.

    Normally I'm a carefree soul... but I just can't always find the same common ground w/20-somethings who bar hop & have that fast paced lifestyle I ended years ago. (now I sound like an old fart! lol)

    I'm upper 20-something... have a 15y/o son (step), been w/my other half for 8 yrs and we live happily (most days ).
    I already have one career under me and am changing now... so starting all over... My hobbies... sewing, crochet, knit, reading, walking, yoga, nature-related stuff.... if i just read all this w/out the ages... I'd think the person is old and boring.
    That's how I feel sometimes.

    Anyway, thanks for your words.
    I rambled on...

  9. #9
    Registered User
    Join Date
    May 2004
    Location
    North Carolina
    Age
    51
    Posts
    103
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    11

    Default

    What about starting with baby steps. Ask a neighbor lady to start walking with you regularly. That way you are not too far from home. When you go to the park or library even with your children start saying hello to people and being open to a conversation. You never know where you are going to find a friend or how old that person will be. Most of my friends are older than I am but I think thats because I had my children younger and I meet people with the same age children.

    Good Luck!

  10. #10
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Oct 2005
    Posts
    1,419
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Blog Entries
    5
    Rep Power
    14

    Default

    and being open to a conversation.
    I think you hit home right here.
    I don't think I AM open to convo's...

    I tend to walk away, look busy or almost panic when this happens... it's like I dont know HOW to talk! LOL

    This is what I really need to work on.

    Thanks!!!! It may seem sorta obvious, but I need this stuff pointed out to me like I'm blind... this helps!

  11. #11
    Rude and Vile Master Greebo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Baltimore, Maryland
    Age
    45
    Posts
    8,563
    Post Thanks / WTG / Hug
    Rep Power
    77

    Default

    One way to carry on a conversation is to just ask questions about the person speaking or whatever the person is speaking about. People are their own most favorite subjects, so asking them about them will almost always make YOU seem like a great conversationalist!
    If you could kick in the pants the person responsible for your problems, you wouldn't be able to sit for a month.

    Did you know that a 4 year student paying $20,000/year who finances their education graduates with over $103,000 in debt to start? But a student who works and pays cash and takes 6 years to graduate ends with $6,300 in their pocket! So much for "getting a head start by financing!"


    Greebo
    (Nerd Spender): Loving and extremely patiently tolerated husband of ceashels.
    WARNING: Y Chromosome behind the keyboard. Adjust your listening filters appropriately!

    Three
    Two mortgages, two one no car loans, one no credit cards, and a partridge in pear tree!

Similar Threads

  1. Replies: 31
    Last Post: 08-02-2011, 09:37 PM
  2. Is socializing hard for you?
    By doodlebug in forum Family
    Replies: 22
    Last Post: 12-31-2003, 07:29 PM

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •