I don't even know where to start...my grandmother died 10 days ago...

**SaucyCranberry** · 03-12-2009, 07:48 PM

I come from the text-book dysfunctional family. Controlling, poor boundaries, emotional abuse, etc.

I was raised the first years of my life by my grandparents, I spent many weekends and summers with them even after my mother decided to get married and be a parent. (Which she ended up hating, but that is a different story).

Because of my DH's former military career I haven't been local to my grandmother for quite sometime. She has lived alone since my grandfather passed away 14 years ago.

In the last year I told all 3 of her children that she was obviously in need of full-time care or a rest home. They ignored me, even when my grandmother was calling 911 several times a week just to be seen by a doctor. I considered filing an Elder Abuse charge, but being out of state I didn't know how to go about it and also was afraid they would cut off contact with me from her completely.

Two weeks ago I called her house and for two days received no answer. I knew something was wrong. After calling my "mother" and getting the run around I learned on Saturday afternoon that my grandmother had been hospitalized the entire previous week. She was dying of heart failure. She had been released to a hospice. NO ONE CALLED ME. I wouldn't have even found out if I hadn't started calling around. I said I wanted to fly out. (No small feat with our debt, my hubby's unemployment and me homeschooling). But there was nothing else I wanted more than to be at my grandmother's side when she passed away.

I charged a plane ticket and rental car and when I was packing got the call she had already passed away.

My husband's family and my friends have called and sent cards. I've talked to my mother once since it happened, when she called me to chastise me for letting my first cousin's know that our grandmother had died. (Their father, my uncle, cut off both his daughter's years ago because they--as small children--"took their mother's side" in the bitter divorce). People are very disposable in this family.

They didn't have a funeral for her. They didn't even have a graveside service. They cremated her and buried her with my grandfather. She was 93 years old. She worked as a reporter and librarian and school teacher assistant. She loved animals and nature and decorating her home. I feel like I'm the only one who cares. Who treasures who she was.

Her kids can't get her things cleared out of her soon enough to sell the house and split the profits. I'm just glad I have the sentimental items she gave me over the years, because I don't care about who gets what in the aftermath. I'd give anything just to have one more phone call with her.

I can't talk about this with people I know in "real life" because I HATE going into how crazy and horrible my family of origin is.

My DH and my kids (even as young as they are) are being as sweet and supportive as they can, but oh my God I just HURT all the time. It hurts so much. My belief is that she is an unimaginably better place. But not being able to just give her a call and hear her encouragement and love ever again is almost too much to bear.

Thank you for reading this far if you did. It's cathartic to be able to share this with SOMEONE(s). It's all I can do to not break down and cry when well-meaning acquaintances ask if I was able to make it to her funeral, or ask if I was able to say goodbye.

**FrugalMomof3** · 03-12-2009, 07:58 PM

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you.

**perSue** · 03-12-2009, 08:07 PM

SaucyCranberry, I wish I could give you a hug right now.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorrier still your family is too selfish to realize what a wonderful person they missed out on... and even still are missing out on.
Be grateful for the memories you have. Honor her in whatever way you can. Know that she knew... she knew everything you know about your family. And know better still that YOU, above all else, cared, loved her.
Don't worry so much what they are doing... don't focus on that negative energy, focus on the positive energy your Grandmother left behind... the love, adoration and memories she gave to you.

((((((((((((((big ol' hug))))))))))))))

**redeme** · 03-12-2009, 08:13 PM

Sending you a

...Sorry for your loss.

**ArmyOfFive4God** · 03-12-2009, 08:24 PM

I am so sorry for you loss, and even more sorry that this loss is being made worse by others, who obviously don't care. We went through hell & back when MY Grandma died, so I understand some of what you're going through.

Big Hugs to you m'dear & stay strong. She will always be in your heart

**YankeeMom** · 03-12-2009, 09:47 PM

I'm so sorry SC

**Dixie** · 03-12-2009, 09:49 PM

I am so sorry.

Your grandmother sounded like an amazing woman. I'm sorry you were treated so badly by your family members, but it sounds like your dh's family are caring people.

**DJ1972** · 03-12-2009, 10:34 PM

I am sorry for your loss. I wish you could have seen your grandmother one last time, but maybe it was a good thing that you didn't have to watch the others sell off her things and be uncaring. We all have dysfunction in our families, some just a bit more obvious than others. Sometimes the best lessons we learn from our families is how not to treat others. My prayers are with you.

**onencgirl** · 03-12-2009, 10:36 PM

I am so sorry for your loss.

Treasure your dh and children and know you are loved.

**SweetPea** · 03-13-2009, 09:28 AM

I am so sorry about your loss. It sounds like your grandmother was a wonderful woman and I'm sorry that you didn't get to have that final conversation with her. Let your family take care of you right now. My prayers are with you.

**lmbaker520** · 03-13-2009, 09:34 AM

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my grandmother who I was very close to in October of last year. I have never lost anyone that close to me and it has been the hardest thing that I have ever gone through. I still have rough days where I forget and pick up the phone to call her and then catch myself. Like you, I would give anything just for one more phone conversation with her. My prayers are with you during this tough time.

**PrairieRose** · 03-13-2009, 10:44 AM

I'm truly sorry for your loss

From another member of a dysfunctional family I wanna say that I'm sure your grandmother now knows how much you loved and will miss her, how much she meant to you. After having lost my mom 2 years ago I understand what the true meaning of 'she'll always be with you in your heart' means. It's really true. The pain will ease, a teensy bit everyday and you'll be able to smile and cry happy tears again with thoughts of her love and affection. You might want to get a good book about grief while you're hurting so.

**Patty A** · 03-13-2009, 10:53 AM

Please please do have that final talk with her, she can hear you and knows what is in your heart!

Another thing that might help, with them NOT having a service for her for you to be able to say goodbye it might help you to buy a couple of balloons, say a few words, and release the balloons toward the heavens.
It may make things easier for you, as in that way you have had a chance to say what needs to be said about her.

I am so thankful to hear that your family at your home is being supportive,
your DH and kids know how much it means to you. You need their comfort!
Your in my thoughts and prayers that you can find some peace with all this. (((((HUGE HUGS)))))

**cab54** · 03-13-2009, 11:19 AM

I agree with Patty. TALK to her. I believe she will hear you, and you will be able to feel her love.

I talk to my grandma, who died back in 1982. It makes me feel better.