seeking feedback

[frugalwarrior]

Socializing is a delicate dance. One I have never been good at either. I often feel overwhelmed by people and their comments. I used to have a boss that would say and do hurtful things. She would then say "you always take everything so personally". I found this a maddening head game. As I got older I began to understand if I could see people as "flawed,fallible,doing the best they know how. I felt more empathy towards them .Sometimes they really don't know better. Some people only know how to relate by taking physically or emotionally. Think of them as "young" in their development. Some people have only learned to related by being "needy" or or having problems. You can provide superficial sympathy w/o being sucked dry. Sometimes people just need a sounding board not a savior. I have learned that some people are so isolated they live only in their heads and don't even see what they are doing to others. My technique w/ them is to simultaneously talk about something that happened to me. Not really making comment about theirs. They feel listened to and I don't get sucked in. Another great technique is to shoot confidence back at them. "your smart,I know it seems overwhelming now but you'll get through this. Deflection,but kindly.
Also, realize that you may be immature in your skills too. People often frighten me and I retreat. Think back in your past,where was nurturing lacking? Maybe you can't give what you didn't get. My mother was abused and is suspicious of everyone,frightened in situations others aren't. So many things from childhood can affect our adult life w/o out us being clear on them. She transferred her fears to me but there reality to her. We spend our whole adult lives undoing,learning, growing. I have spent years on my mothers saying "you don't really mean that,You don't really feel that way". Yes,I do, and thats o.k. As long as I don't act on it. Once you see others as imperfect too it becomes easier. I accept you as you are. I accept me as I am. We are on a journey that takes a lifetime. It's taken me almost 50 years and a thousand tears to get here. We are all works in progress. Be patient w/ all of us including yourself.

[perSue]

wow frugalwarrior... your words really struck a note with me.
i mean, that's absolutely perfect.
it SOUNDS so simple, it sounds so obvious... but i cannot thank you _enough_ for saying what i need to hear.

i dont think it could be spelled out any better.
super kudos to you for sharing and being open and honest... i appreciate it more than you know!

i dont have to share anything super personal, but sharing gets me "accepted" by people, so i'm not so "cold" to others. but i could be sharing such a simple experience that they may see it's relativity & think i shared something deep. though i may not think of it as such.

and i'm entirely aware my social skills are inadequate... and maybe that's where i end up "holing myself up" is fear of being stupid/silly or just not quite right in some situations.
i too withdraw very easily...but i put myself in a lot of social situations (usually simpler ones) to _try_ to gain confidence, to try to learn "small talk" to try to practice my skills. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt... but i gotta keep trying.

Once you see others as imperfect too it becomes easier. I accept you as you are. I accept me as I am. We are on a journey that takes a lifetime. It's taken me almost 50 years and a thousand tears to get here. We are all works in progress. Be patient w/ all of us including yourself.

sometimes i think "I" lose perspective of this. as obvious as it is... i think sometimes i get lost in the busy-ness of it all. and stop to "smell the roses" stop to think "maybe they're having a bad day", etc.
"maybe someone hurt you too" sort of concept.

thank you... beyond the thank you given.
this posting has helped and given me many things to think about & try to "add to my improvement".

[lgw]

perSue, please don't beat yourself up about the social skills. For years I thought there was something wrong with me because I wasn't one of these gals who liked to hang out with other gals and had tons of girlfriends. Even as a kid, I had no interest in sleepovers, etc. I was much happier at home with my nose in a good book. Finally, I decided that I am who I am, and there's nothing wrong with me. I like being with my husband, but other than him, I'm really not that interested in socializing with others in person. I love my immediately family (parents, brother/SIL), but even too much time with them makes me edgy.

Maybe you're just perfect the way you are.