seeking feedback

**perSue** · 05-31-2009, 09:38 AM

couldn't find the haven, so i'll post here instead.

i'm finding myself angry. sadly, this isnt new. i've always - even back as far as i can remember as a child - always been angry.
i learn to cope, i exercise a lot, find constructive ways to get it out of my system. more often than not, it works.
but i realized in a bad moment of anger in the past couple weeks, i really dont feel like i fit in... anywhere in "today's world."

what i may say here may seem callous, rude, insensitive or offensive... (all words i'm used to hearing to describe me, so it's not taken personally.)
i feel like i dont care about anyone i'm around. ppl who i'm around only as a temporary sort of thing (think classes, or part time work), i dont care about their problems, personal issues, their whining or inability to cope w/whatever they feel is going on in their life.
i truly don't care.

i wonder sometimes if i even know how to be compassionate. at least without having to fake it because i have a job & see these ppl daily. where again, i dont care about them personally.

yet it's these same ppl who whine/complain/talk to me like i am willing to fix their problems. the extent truthfully, that i'm willing to make is to "listen" to you whine/complain/talk - otherwise it's rude to say "i dont care" or "I dont have time to listen to you"... w/out getting a bad "rep"... and we all know reputations ARE important - especially in the work place.

how do i teach myself to not get angry at these whiny ppl who refuse to change & only want attn? how do i teach myself to care just a little bit more so i DONT feel irritated they expect me to feel compassion when i really dont? how do i change myself so that i dont say or do something i may not like that i've said/done? (ie, call someone out on their whining "if you'd ever change, maybe you wouldn't complain!")

i care, love and adore my family/friends in MY circle. outside of that circle, again, i dont know you to care about you. it's not that i'm not willing (ok maybe it is? i dunno)... it's more that i am expected to care about someone because they exist, i'm expected to go outta my way to kiss @ss, i'm expected to truly care for, listen to, endure and sacrifice myself for people who would NOT do the same for me.

i understand if i want career advancement, i've gotta learn this game & play it well... but other than the obvious "it goes against my nature", i have no idea how to "pretend" to care more than i already do, how to "pretend" for long periods of time (hrs a day or weeks or years!) and keep up the facade w/out calling someone out, getting angry or other things.

i dont fit in. i'm not a super "caring" person. guess i never have been or will be. i dont have time to take on everyone else's problems when i'm trying to balance my own. i can listen, but to actually "do" or "act"... that's asking too much.

please be candid. there's not a so-called "negative" word i haven't heard that upsets me... i've been called 'em all.

i guess i dont get why everyone else seems to care, and i dont. i always wondered if i was hollow inside....

**elphie** · 05-31-2009, 10:34 AM

(((perSue))) I am hearing a lot of anguish in this post. You are not being patient and compassionate with yourself so there is no way you can be that for others. It seems like you are suffering from depression, which manifests itself as anger in some people instead of sadness (or a combination of the two). I know you have difficulty taking care of yourself in authentic ways that are meaningful to you and I think this is the first step to loving yourself. If you are having trouble figuring out what it is that you need then you may need to talk with someone (a counselor, therapist, clergy person, whatever works for you) and may even consider medication for the short term. I took antidepressants for about six months and then weaned off of them. Medication did NOT solve my problems and I would never recommend it as a solution HOWEVER sometimes it is necessary to lift yourself out of the fog so you can see the solutions, kwim?

For me this has been a journey and I am about 98% recovered but it has taken a very long time to undo all of the negativity from childhood and to believe I was a person deserving of compassion and love. Work on that, on loving yourself and I'm pretty sure that loving others will flow from there.

**perSue** · 05-31-2009, 10:37 AM

thanks for your post.
medication/therapy/depression are not what i'm asking about at this time, but thank you for responding w/care and sensitivity.

these are thoughts/feelings i've had my entire life - which means it's a part of my personality.
i'm asking how to change myself so that i can better fit into society, better get along with others, make better choices.

thanks

**ladykemma2** · 05-31-2009, 01:00 PM

Originally Posted by perSue

thanks for your post.
medication/therapy/depression are not what i'm asking about at this time, but thank you for responding w/care and sensitivity.

these are thoughts/feelings i've had my entire life - which means it's a part of my personality.
i'm asking how to change myself so that i can better fit into society, better get along with others, make better choices.

thanks

why do you have to change yourself, unless it is causing problems at work?

i don't have empathy either for people with chronic problems. you sound quite normal to me.

"NMP not my problem" has becoame my motto - I'm a recovering codependent.

**elphie** · 05-31-2009, 02:45 PM

I agree with ladykemma~ you do not have to feel sorry for others who constantly complain and/or whine about problems that are largely of their own making. However you expressed feelings of anger toward these people and while their behavior is annoying and would make anyone's blood pressure rise it isn't good for YOU to be subjected to this all the time. What has worked best for me in situations like this, especially with co-workers who we have little choice in spending time with, is learning some deep breathing exercises and also practicing repeating this to myself, "I can't change other people, only how I respond to them."

**Persimmon Lace** · 05-31-2009, 05:46 PM

You don't have to be enmeshed with someone or be co-dependent to care about people. Why not develop a few phrases that you can use for people.

Like:

"You certainly are going through a rough patch! I'm sure things will look up for you soon."

"My goodness, that's a lot for anyone to handle."

Or if you are someone who does pray for people you can just say "I'll be praying in your behalf!".

On the other hand, are they actually asking you to help them with their problems because if they aren't, then the problem isn't with them. Sometimes people need to just talk and don't need someone to fix it. We are all in need of fixing ourselves so showing some empathy or compassion for people doesn't hurt us or make us weak.
You've written about things like this before so I think you do want to make a change but don't know how. Even though you didn't ask for it, perhaps an anger management class would be good. I certainly benefited from it. Please don't use the excuse that it's part of your personality, it may be some of your personality but walking around pissed off at people is NOT normal.

**perSue** · 06-01-2009, 08:57 PM

LOL

it may be some of your personality but walking around pissed off at people is NOT normal.

now that i re read it... it sounds funny. not my intention, but you're right.
i think i have a short fuse for ppl who complain all the time & never think to do anything about it.
i was once one of those ppl seeking help for whatever all the time... til "I" realized "I" can help "ME"... novel idea, i know! lol but i guess i get upset when ppl dont want to hear what can be done, but just want to hear themselves talk & gain pity/sympathy from others constantly.

complaining to vent is one thing... i'm on board w/that...

i guess i just get angry with people who do stupid stuff, whine a lot, dont try to help themselves, wait around for handouts & others to do for them because they dont want to do anything for them.

i understand the "helpless victim" - but when you're not truly one, it's like crying wolf.

i get angry at people in general, rarely at specific ppl, tho i have my times (as we all do). i get so sick of being around people (work or school - who i'm not invested in, but around w/out choice)... then there's the news on tv/internet/newspaper...

i guess again i'm personalizing these things... getting upset w/out just cause.

i just feel sometimes like the world obligates me to "care"... and i simply dont have the emotional resources for that... and sometimes, i just dont want to.
i have to care about coworkers, their families, their health, their hobbies, their habits, etc... same w/classmates sometimes.

perhaps i could learn to "pretend" more... be civil, of course, but feign interest, smile & nod a lot... and use some of the "gee too bad" type of lines... i can practice those. I just need them in my "vocab" to practice.
thanks for those tips...

i've been called cold, heartless, callous, mean, hurtful, shrewd, etc... because i dont open up to many people, i dont share a lot (esp. w/coworkers), so i'm not a team player or willing to go to coworkers houses all the time (i got my own y'know!) and hang out like we're best of friends.
i guess i havent learned to properly socialize because i just dont care.
and i feel bad that i dont care... i feel like i'm supposed to. like being female i'm "supposed" to know how to empathize, care, nurture, sympathize, talk openly as tho everyone is my bff, etc.
and i simply am not like that. i dont care to be like that.
i've never been like that.

i just dont care. i dont know how to care about something that's not in my interest. but all i can do is try.
breathe a lot, count to ten, a hundred, whatever it takes.
smile & say something like "sorry to hear that" & try some more.

thanks

**ladykemma2** · 06-01-2009, 10:12 PM

do you know about Al-Anon, free program that treats codependency.

i hear ya, it frankly sounds like your co-workers are professional victims. you are OK in your not caring about professional victims.

here are some come back lines:

"...and what's YOUR part in this?..."

"Gee, I'm sad you're having that problem..."

"Well, let me know what you decide..."

"gee, what are you going to do?..."

I highly recommend the book "codependent no more" by melody beatty.

one of the weird things i do in my codependency is i feel other people's feelings for them. I will feel the anger or other emotion that they are supposed to be feeling. i had to learn in therapy to recognize that "this feeling is not mine", and put it down or hand it back. Are you feeling other people's feeling for them? I have to wonder if you are carrying their anger for them.

**zakity** · 06-02-2009, 01:51 AM

I was going to suggest non-commital answers, but several people have already done that. When people whine to me, I have several non-commital answers that I use (like the ones the people have posted). It gives the whiners the feeling that I actually care when I really don't.

I almost never socialized where I worked. I had my family to go home to. I had to get home so DH could get to work. And, on the weekend, all I wanted to do was sleep (worked weeknights and got little sleep during the week). You could tell people at work that you have family obligations and can't make it to their functions. "Family oblications" is a great catch-all phrase. It could be practically anything, from a ballgame to helping with homework to cleaning the toilet.

**perSue** · 06-02-2009, 08:41 AM

lol i am enjoying reading about the non-committal phrases... i'm adding these to my "artillary" seriously.

i do like the idea of "family obligations"... i'll try that next time.

ladykemma, i'll check out that book that you recommended... thanks

i guess i've been called these things (and "very anti-social") for so many years, i just believe it's true.
i know i know... but think about it... you get called something by many people most of your life (even as a child) you stand back & wonder "hmm... maybe it IS true"

or maybe i could use the old cliche "nobody understands me" LOL
but i dont want to whine... all i can do is change my "external perception" of what ppl see of me.
even if it's a "trick of the eye"... if i can make it done... that's a success.

i'll keep practicing these phrases... say them with a courteous smile & try them out on some people...

all words/recommendations are welcome... and i DO appreciate criticism.

**JanieD** · 06-02-2009, 03:04 PM

Originally Posted by perSue

LOL

i just feel sometimes like the world obligates me to "care"... and i simply dont have the emotional resources for that... and sometimes, i just dont want to.

thanks

I can relate to the above & many of the other things you've mentioned. I try to listen to "their" problems & say the "right" thing or what they'd like to hear, but then I have to let it go. Otherwise it really gets to me. Honestly, it's not my problem or issue to deal with or to solve. Maybe it goes back to being introverted in an extroverted culture. I prefer to keep to myself in the work environment. I try to be helpful & courteous, but avoid personal stuff as much as possible. I really like the phrases others have shared.

**Missy** · 06-02-2009, 03:12 PM

My grandmother says "Feelings are neither right, nor wrong" so, with that in mind so what if you DON'T have feelings one way or another about someones' whiney problems? Faking the feeling won't help and often people whine and yack on and on about their issues just to talk. You say that you have no problem loving your circle of friends and people. ...well, why does tha tlove and caring have to spill to co-workers, classmates, etc? I don't see why it should have to. I wouldn't worry about it, really. Those that matter to you are loved...I am sure they know that. I see no need to enmesh your heart or head in other people issues.

Maybe i am reading it all wrong...but that's the way Isee it.

**Sassyclass** · 06-02-2009, 03:33 PM

Well obviously you do care or you wouldn't be asking for feedback. You care for your family and close friends, that's normal. No one should be expected to care about the problems of strangers, or people who they are not close to. It seems to me the problem is your coworkers see you as their therapist. They are putting all of their burdens on your shoulders and your are politely taking it, while it is weighing you down which in turn is ticking you off. Enough is enough. Maybe a good dose of reality will help the situation. Try telling the next person who feels the need to dump their problems at your doorstep, that if you gave them your honest opinion they wouldn't want to talk to you again. Then ask if they want to continue. JM2C.

Cat

**ladykemma2** · 06-03-2009, 09:43 AM

Originally Posted by JanieD

I can relate to the above & many of the other things you've mentioned. I try to listen to "their" problems & say the "right" thing or what they'd like to hear, but then I have to let it go. Otherwise it really gets to me. Honestly, it's not my problem or issue to deal with or to solve. Maybe it goes back to being introverted in an extroverted culture. I prefer to keep to myself in the work environment. I try to be helpful & courteous, but avoid personal stuff as much as possible. I really like the phrases others have shared.

and this is the way it should be. BOUNDARIES. remember the people at work are NOT your friends...

i went through a divorce last year. yesterday a co-worker came up to me and started asking me about divorce, that she had "had it" . i emailed her the name phone numbers and addressed of both my attorney and my counselor. she gave me the silent treatment all day today and asked me "why I had done that - that she had no intention of getting a divorce and doing that to her children"

sigh. i apologized for over stepping my bounds, which i had done. you can't win at work with discussing private life stuff.

**perSue** · 06-03-2009, 10:07 PM

yeah i guess i dont know boundaries... something else i can think about fixing.

not something i think about, and perhaps should... so thanks for pointing this out.

it helps to hear/see others viewpoints & how you all handle yourselves when people do this to you.

perhaps i over extend myself & allow people to think I am there to listen/help/care.
i get it a lot at school/work if/when i'm around younger "newbies" to the arena... as though i'm supposed to take these kids under my wing. i'm just not that type of person.

i dont have that much energy to devote especially when it's ppl who will simply "take take take" & i'll never hear from again. i'm tired of that treatment. i stopped - or thought i did - yrs ago, being walked all over like that. so i choose to help/listen/care about those who "I" choose... not who choose me.

i need to re-think the boundaries issue & continue practicing the lovely phrases i've been given here.

this gives me hope.