now i need a dose of reality

[perSue]

okay, so after much thought, discussion and reading through posts & articles... i know it's me.
i'm apparently the only one with my "point of view" (or memory) in my family. it's difficult for the older (male) siblings to know that I was excluded from things intentionally because of being female.
In the extended family on father's side as a child I was picked on, teased, excluded (although a participant) during holidays & other get togethers because no one in that family liked my mother (who then had already been divorced). In this family being male was exceptional because you "carried on the name"... however the other female cousins of mine were adored, placed on pedestals. While they received new toys or pretty jewelry, I sat and watched.

Not only did I get this treatment here, but living in a home w/only mother (and by the time I was of any age to remember), my older siblings were already gone. I was treated by mother in the same manner. Being female I was worthless, useless, incapable, undeserving. My name for yrs (probly from age 8 on up) was "little b**ch". And many other names followed.

Here's what's so odd... I still do have a yearning to "know" these people called "family". I know that these people have changed over the years. I don't get called names, still made fun of, and the subtle hints of still being worthless because I'm female are there. But one grows calloused to these accusations (or dies under them).

But, it's me. I'm the only one who seems to be aware of this. No one else sees that this ever happened. They don't remember that I was excluded from holiday gift exchanges, celebrations, I didn't even have a place to sit at meal time. (I sat in a nearby bedroom & ate alone.)

So it's me... I need to NOT focus on all this negativity.
It's me because I've not wanted a relationship w/these negative/hurtful people - and i'm blamed for it.
It's me because to this day I can't have a proper social encounter because not only do I not trust people, but I'm terrified of getting hurt/used/etc.
It's me, because no one else understands that I was truly hurt by all this... and that I'm supposed to "not care" or "grow up" or "get over it."

I just don't know how...

and I wouldn't mind getting to know these people... I have heard nice things about them, dunno how much is true, but I'd like to know myself.
It's been a minimum of about 8 yrs since I've seen my bro's, most of their kids I've never met. I dont even know where they live.
I can only try...

[perSue]

so how would any of you handle this? advice? recommendations?
how do i pull myself outta thinking negatively about all this?
thanks

[mauimagic]

perSue, I must admit that I am sitting here with my mouth dropped open. In my opinion you have been and truly are being subjected to emotional abuse - and you deserve professional support to see this through. I am so not qualified to tell you what to do, but I strongly want to hug that little girl and grown woman - and tell her that what she went through is wrong and still continues to be so.

As adults we learn that the only thing that we can control is our reaction to other people and situations - we cannot change them, but we can control how we react.

Sending hugs and prayers your way.... as you discover how important you are to yourself and what else is truly important to you.

[ladykemma2]

what maui said.

added thought: this is what my therapist kept saying to me when i kept wanting to go around my family-- "why do you keep going to the empty well?"

I ask you - why do you want to go to the empty well?

Instead I challenge you to make "family of choice" - create a network around you of nutured friendships. I go to a thanksgiving every year of a friend's family of choice.

[larabelle]

what maui said.

added thought: this is what my therapist kept saying to me when i kept wanting to go around my family-- "why do you keep going to the empty well?"

I ask you - why do you want to go to the empty well?

Instead I challenge you to make "family of choice" - create a network around you of nutured friendships. I go to a thanksgiving every year of a friend's family of choice.

I AGREE!!! I am not a psychiatrist but I worked as a mental health nurse for many years. I definitely agree with lady kemma! Why in the world do you want to get to know these people? They have treated you horribly!! Seek/find/cling to your "family of choice". Stop trying to return to those who abused you!!! I think you need to make the choice to get the professional help that you need. I do not mean to be on a soap box but you bring to mind all of those women who I took care of at the psychatric unit who were physically/mentally/emotionally abused by their partners however still wanted to return to those same partners, although the partners had not changed and had no plans of changing.

[perSue]

thank you for your kind words... true some things to think about, other things cannot be done, but that's ok. i appreciate your objective view on my subjective statements. it's hard to remove oneself from a situation and see it clearly... perhaps my perception of reality is skewed.
i'm told by family who doesnt "remember" or "see" what i see that I'm off my rocker that none of this happened as I "saw" or "perceived" it.
They could very well be correct... maybe my vision of reality is entirely wrong.
thanks again

[CrazyHomemaker]

thank you for your kind words... true some things to think about, other things cannot be done, but that's ok. i appreciate your objective view on my subjective statements. it's hard to remove oneself from a situation and see it clearly... perhaps my perception of reality is skewed.
i'm told by family who doesnt "remember" or "see" what i see that I'm off my rocker that none of this happened as I "saw" or "perceived" it.
They could very well be correct... maybe my vision of reality is entirely wrong.
thanks again

Don't make yourself think you're a nut case. Your family seems to be pushing you in that direction. What you saw and felt were probably real.

My mother, to this day, keeps telling me of how pretty this neighbor is and how well off my brother is, etc. In the same breath she'll tell me my hair isn't right, my clothes aren't right and I'm 'putting on a few pounds'. This really hurts. She may not realize she's comparing me and wishing me to be like the people she tells me about. When I asked her about it, she denies her words and wanting to change me at all.

My DH, God bless him, sees this and tells me how sorry he feels. It's going to always be there. And it will always hurt when it recurs.

Yes, people can change. It wouldn't be bad to know some of your genetic family if you can emotionally stay away. Otherwise, I agree with those who advocate 'family of choice'. Genetic family is not the only people who can love you like family. Love is deeper than anything and can cross all borders. You also have to love yourself.