I feel stupid about this

**mek42** · 11-15-2010, 12:47 AM

So, Friday I found a Facebook friend request from my mother. This on top of a 4 hour sleep night led me to be a bit off yesterday.

It feels like an intrusion. The rational side of me says that it is not, but it feels like it is.

She has this delusion / denial thing going on where "family" should be some kind of happy word. Well, it is not. Right now I am just leaving the request in the bin ignoring it. I deleted the message from my email because it bothered me to look at it again earlier today. Actually found myself wondering where all the junk email went to keep it on the first page, lol.

My inner anger voice keeps saying that I go visit them now and then for holidays, why can't they just otherwise leave me alone? Well, with said internal voice not being fettered by the FV forum rules, that's not an exact quote, but you all get the idea.

No, I haven't talked to her about this stuff. On the other hand, when I was 12 I asked her that what I wanted as a Christmas gift was for her to get a divorce from my father (didn't happen, they're still together, one of the reasons I was really, really nervous about marrying my wife after we cohabited for awhile). So I can't imagine how she has a rational basis for thinking that I have any positive connotations to the word "family" especially in reference to them.

At any rate, I feel really stupid that a mere Facebook friend request is having such a profound effect on me, but there it is. Stupid probably isn't the word I'm looking for, but I can't think of a better word at the moment.

I'll appreciate any words of wisdom you all might have to offer.

Thanks.

**Palooka** · 11-15-2010, 12:54 AM

Maybe it's a small step in her eyes to try to build a relationship with you again?

**frugalfranny** · 11-15-2010, 01:41 AM

Originally Posted by mek42

She has this delusion / denial thing going on where "family" should be some kind of happy word.

Or maybe it is a 'hope' that it could be better...........

Does she know how you feel? If not, why not sit down and talk to her?

**Syn D** · 11-15-2010, 02:00 AM

Maybe she doesn't see your relationship the same way you do...

Example ~ I have 5 siblings and I don't talk to any of them... But if I happen to talk to one of them every few year it's like nothing wrong.. One sister just told me recently, "there is nothing wrong with our relationship"..OK, I see a problem, the last time we spoke in anyway was at a family reunion in 07.. Another sister told my daughter when confronted with our not speaking, "we're fine".. We haven't spoken sense 06.. And so on and so on.... They all genuinely think everything is OK.. I guess I see siblings should be in a different way than this.. Dumb me, I thought they should speak more often in a year not once every few or more years..

**pollypurebred39** · 11-15-2010, 02:46 AM

Mark, maybe this would be helpful?

Excerpts

Although the mechanisms of this connection to traumatic symptoms are not well understood, it appears that betrayal by someone on whom you depend for survival (as a child on a parent) may produce consequences similar to those from more obviously life-threatening traumas.

Avoidance, when the person tries to reduce exposure to people or things that might bring on their intrusive symptoms.

About Trauma * Trauma Information Pages

**Ceashels** · 11-15-2010, 07:47 AM

You can friend her and customize your status lock / privacy so she never see's into your life and you are able to hide her from your page so you never need to see hers.

I know it isn't a great solution in terms of relationships but it is an option.

**Debbie-cat** · 11-15-2010, 09:01 AM

Maybe it is a small step to reach out to you. She is getting older and she might have alot of regrets. Let it sit in you inbox for a while. I hope it all works out in the end.

**mauimagic** · 11-15-2010, 11:19 AM

I like Ceashells idea - that way no invasion of your privacy.

One of my friends had her two children (teenagers) defriend her becauses they wanted their privacy and said it seemed weird.

**Ceashels** · 11-15-2010, 12:00 PM

I'm friends with my Mom and am ok with it. She uses fb for the games. lol and since i'm friends with my niece and nephew there isn't too much that I share that isn't .... tame. If i ever get the invite from my FIL.... i'll be customizing my posts because he tends to gossip about anything to everyone because of his social neediness for attention. I'm really hoping that day never comes.

**Momto5RN** · 11-15-2010, 01:24 PM

make a second facebook ? i know some who have 2 one for their personal life one for work ( esp if they are a coach and like to share team pix etc but dont want kids nosying into personal life. ) or use the settings .

**mek42** · 11-16-2010, 12:33 AM

I'm just going to ignore it for now. If she asks maybe I'll just have the brutally honest discussion that's probably overdue. Not sure how she'll take it, but that'll be her choice.

Gotta try to put this back in the box.