How to stop being angry. (Incredibly loooong)

[Nishu]

I'm angry and I don't know what to do about it. I'm posting this here so I can get some input, or to vent, or something... I can't talk openly about for a couple reasons. One, because I don't consider myself a complainer or a gossip or spiteful person. Secondly, it's personal and as mad as I am I don't think I have the right to talk bad about my mom and possibly let our issues affect her other relationships.

A couple weeks ago my mom sent me a facebook message. (Btw, why do so many bad stories seem to start out with "the other day I was on facebook and..." ) Anyway, apparently one of her friends said something about my brother and how all he ever accomplished was taking up other people's air. This got back to my mom, who spent the next day fuming and then proceeded to send this person an email outlining both my brother's innocence and his childrens' flaws. It was pretty harsh. I told her that she shouldn't have sent that email, partly because his kids weren't involved and talking crap about them wouldn't accomplish anything, and partly because to other people, my brother was a waste of space.

My mom was not happy with me. She had to stand up for her kids, she said, because who else would if she didn't. (No one, says I. We're adults and this guy doesn't matter. Besides, sending nasty emails does not equal standing up for us.) She asks me why I'm so loyal to this guy that talked bad about my brother. (I don't give a crap about this guy, I tell her.) This facebook email involves my aunt as well, and they're both claiming that my brother isn't bad, just young and a little lost. (I tell them to keep that in mind next time he calls one of them up and refers to them as a selfish "see you next tuesday.") My mom actually makes it a point to say that she hopes that her grandkids have a mother that loves them as much as she loves her kids, right or wrong. (I'm her grandkids' mom, btw. Obvious stab at me, I think.) She then laments the fact that she failed to teach her children the value of family. (Another stab at me. More on this later.)

After this conversation, she makes a bunch of stupid posts about how what we say reveals our souls and how we should think about what we want to reveal. Rather than sit there and wonder if this stupid, pseudo poetic thoughts are directed toward me, I unfriend her. I'm quite ticked.

I'm sure I hurt her feelings by saying exactly what I felt about my little brother. I can't say I regret it. I know my mom worries about my brother and she even asked me if my brother would know that I loved him if he died tomorrow. I told her, and I meant it, that I didn't care if he knew. It's not my job to follow him around and tell him.

I'm now sort of talking to my mom even though things are still kind of cool between us. If it was just for this fight, I wouldn't even be talking to you guys abou this. The problem isn't just the fight though. The problem is that this fight stirred up a lot of anger that I have managed to keep buried. I don't know what to do about it. Some of the things that my mom has done even 20 years later still makes me angry. I think I could get over it and move on except for the fact that she continues to do hateful, deceitful, selfish things that keep all these feelings stirred up. In other words, I don't feel that she has changed.

Again, I want to say in my defense that I don't talk crap about people. I try very hard not to complain about my parents or blame them for things. I just need to vent, either to have my feelings validated or to get the slap back into reality that I need.

Some of the stupid things that I can't let go of:

My mom left us when I was in the first grade. My childhood was a hell of a lot harder than it needed to be because of the fact that my dad was raising 4 of us by himself on the edge of poverty. My mom went her own way and had quite a bit of fun. She would visit when it was convenient, but regularly broke plans, sometimes without warning. Our visits with her were always rough and always revolved around her social life and her many boyfriends/marriages. She would regularly tell at least one of us children that she was going to take us back to my dad's and leave us, and that we weren't her kids any more. She was constantly critical of the way my dad raised us, even though she couldn't be bothered to do it herself. She told us things about my dad that were entirely inappropriate for us to hear and that were most likely lies. (That he beat her over the fact that she threw away his porn collection, is one.)

I remember being about 11 or 12 and getting into an argument with my mother. She more or less told me that she was going to commit suicide and then disappeared for about a week. (This wasn't the only time the suicide threat was used.)

Growing up, I saw her lie and manipulate daily. She was hateful, unreasonable and completely self centered and this doesn't even begin to touch on the constant drama and heartach that was my entire childhood.

I feel like I should be able to let all this go, but I can't.

The problem is, I see her playing the same games and pulling the same bullcrap that she used to. For example, my mother in law and I got in a conversation once about my dad. She was obviously not fond of him even though she had never even met. Turns out, my mother told her that my father abandoned us and left her with two babies in diapers. She was completely shocked to hear that I was raised by my father. My mother made it sound like she did it all herself. I don't remember not living with my dad. I do remember living in my grandpa's attic, me, my dad and my 3 brothers, while we had a perfectly good house just a quartermile away. I guess my mom was living there by herself.

When my mom said that he hoped that her grandkids have a mom that loves them as much as she did, I swear I wanted to scream. I love my children enough to freaking RAISE THEM. IS THAT NOT ENOUGH? How can she possibly say something like that and keep a straight face?

She also makes comments about my dad that tick me off. For example, I was telling her that a friend of mine hopes one day that her children understand that her husband basically walked away from them and left them to fend for themselves, and my mom kept saying "No, children aren't like that at all..." Innocent enough comment, but I know by the way she said it that she was talking about my dad. ARRGGH!

I'm lost. I don't know how to deal. I should not be this angry, but every time my mom talks I feel like I have to weigh and measure what she says. I don't want to be angry. I don't want to carry this around with me, but I'm having trouble letting go.

So what do I need? Therapy? A swift kick in the butt?

[AmyBoz]

As I was reading, my first thought was, just unfriend her, then I saw you did.

Then, I got to the part about your childhood. Personally, I think she has no right to say anything about any of her kids...positive or negative. I wouldn't bother with her, mother or not.

[Russ]

Growing up, I saw her lie and manipulate daily. She was hateful, unreasonable and completely self centered and this doesn't even begin to touch on the constant drama and heartache that was my entire childhood.

Sorry you are going through this Nishu, but it sounds as though this part hasn't changed. She, IMO, is trying to manipulate you into thinking the way she does.

[HappyMama]

Sorry Nishu you are going through this, keep your chin up you are a good mom and know it don't let her get to you.
I have had to deal with a spiteful, hateful , manipulative person in my life that has made me cry, hurt and just be so down more times then I can count, they are not worth it. I want to write more but you would not believe all that someone has put me through , and I would be a hypocrite to say it doesn't hurt, make me angry or whatever but it has gotten to the point I try real hard to not let the garbage get to me.

Don't let anyone live rent free in your head hon! Sending blessings your way!

[Russ]

After re-reading...
You ask if you need therapy. How much time do you spend, or have you spent thinking about this over the years?
Maybe it is time for counseling.

Also, this is just my opinion... She has absolutely no right to tell you or anybody else how to raise their children. She left you when you were in the first grade and has the nerve or audacity to say this kind of stuff?

My mom actually makes it a point to say that she hopes that her grandkids have a mother that loves them as much as she loves her kids, right or wrong. (I'm her grandkids' mom, btw. Obvious stab at me, I think.)

And this is a real gem...

She then laments the fact that she failed to teach her children the value of family.

How could she possibly teach anything if she wasn't around?

[Nishu]

Part of the reason that I'm so conflicted is that most of the time, we actually do have a good relationship. A fight like this one is pretty rare, and most of the tension that surrounds my relationship with my mom relates to things that happened a long time ago. She is a good grandmother to my kids, she's always willing to help her kids when we need it (now that we're grown, I guess) and she actually gave up trying to manipulate me a long time ago. (Greatest compliment that I ever received was when she called me "unguilt-trippable.")

I have no intentions of cutting her out of my life. She's still my mom, and I do love her. I missed her while we weren't talking and even do now since we're not really talking talking, you know?

I know it's complicated and most of you probably won't understand, but it is what it is. I feel like my choice here is to either let her go or let go of my anger and I feel unable to do either.

[Russ]

I know it's complicated and most of you probably won't understand, but it is what it is. I feel like my choice here is to either let her go or let go of my anger and I feel unable to do either.

I understand what you're saying. Maybe that counselor could help you do one or the other.

[Syn D]

I have learned over the years that drama and bs has no place in my life.. This might be something you should let go and remove from your life, definitely if this is what it does to you..

You are a stronger person than I am,, if my mom was like that during my childhood, there would be no talks or chance to unfriend her on facebook.. We would never of had contact at all..

My dad and I had an offfff and on relationship as he was right all the time! Always giving his criticism concerning my life and the raising of my children. Hearing how great of a dad he was (bs) and how bad of a child I was, threatening to burn my house down, etc....

My mom and I have a OK relationship, but I grew up as the least priority, she always put my sisters first, and sadly she has done the same to my kids, putting their cousins over them.... Her reasoning is, "cos' she doesn't have to worry about us like she does them, your mom is a strong person and raised strong kids".. That's what she told my daughter when confronted about it, to which my daughters response was "BS"...

[HappyMama]

I understand what you're saying. Maybe that counselor could help you do one or the other.

I agree! As this person is in your life and you want her to be, learning how to deal with her, your anger, and the way she is will be best for you in the long run.

[Syn D]

I have learned over the years that drama and bs has no place in my life.. This might be something you should let go and remove from your life, definitely if this is what it does to you..

You are a stronger person than I am,, if my mom was like that during my childhood, there would be no talks or chance to unfriend her on facebook.. We would never of had contact at all..

My dad and I had an offfff and on relationship as he was right all the time! Always giving his criticism concerning my life and the raising of my children, hearing how great of a dad he was (bs) and how bad of a child I was, threatening to burn my house down, etc....

My mom and I have a OK relationship, but I grew up as the least priority, she always put my sisters first, and sadly she has done the same to my kids, putting their cousins over them.... Her reasoning is, "cos' she doesn't have to worry about us like she does them, your mom is a strong person and raised strong kids".. That's what she told my daughter when confronted about it, to which my daughters response was "BS"...

[Nishu]

Thanks guys, I appreciate you taking the time to read and offer your advice.

I think part of the problem here is that my mom really thinks she was just an awesome parent. I lived with her a couple years of my teenage years and my brothers did as well, and I guess she thinks that gives her the right to claim responsibilty for raising us. I can remember one time when she apologized for saying that I wasn't her daughter any more, but other than that I don't think she's ever taken responsibility for the fact that she was such a jerk.

I just feel sometimes that I need to say, "You know what? You were a horrible parent. You did this and this and this and this and this..."

But it feels like the reality of what she did is too much to hit her with. Does that sound stupid? Even though she doesn't acknowledge any wrongdoing at all, I sort of feel like the mistakes she made with us were too horrible to bring up.

[Ceashels]

It sounds as if your mom is living in her own world and that life revolves around her. She is remembering things in a way that make her "self important" in her past as well as "important" to the person she is relating to in the present.

Would counseling help? Probably. Your children have a great Mom and a decent relationship with their grandmother but how can they not pick up on the anger and the hurt and the pain of so many years bottled up in you? If you are able to find a way to let your past anger and pain go, you may be able to find a bit more peace in your present.

Many hugs to you.

[Palooka]

But it feels like the reality of what she did is too much to hit her with. Does that sound stupid? Even though she doesn't acknowledge any wrongdoing at all, I sort of feel like the mistakes she made with us were too horrible to bring up.

Makes sense to me and I felt the same way with some very big issues I wanted to confront my parents with. It took a very long time for me to get the guts up to talk to them. The anger kept building until I just let them have it and it wasn't pretty. Now I feel so much better that I let go of a lot of things that I was carrying around in my heart. To me it was worth it and we are on good terms.

We are not real close and never will be, but that is all right with me. It seems I have a little more respect from them now and I don't feel all that I anger I use to have. I've also accepted that that was just the way things were and my mind doesn't spin so much about it anymore.

[bonnotsm9]

Thanks guys, I appreciate you taking the time to read and offer your advice.

I think part of the problem here is that my mom really thinks she was just an awesome parent. I lived with her a couple years of my teenage years and my brothers did as well, and I guess she thinks that gives her the right to claim responsibilty for raising us. I can remember one time when she apologized for saying that I wasn't her daughter any more, but other than that I don't think she's ever taken responsibility for the fact that she was such a jerk.

I just feel sometimes that I need to say, "You know what? You were a horrible parent. You did this and this and this and this and this..."

But it feels like the reality of what she did is too much to hit her with. Does that sound stupid? Even though she doesn't acknowledge any wrongdoing at all, I sort of feel like the mistakes she made with us were too horrible to bring up.

This is my mother and sister's relationship exactly, except add in that Mom is bipolar. My sister continues to try and have a relationship with her even though Mom has never, ever expressed any kind of remorse for the things she has done. It's like she lives in a fantasy world where she was a wonderful mother and never did or does anything wrong. My sister goes along with this fantasy. Things go reasonably well until, inevitably, Mom does something crazy or hateful. Then sis is left feeling upset or trying to "play along" like Mom isn't being out of line. Right now Mom has two or three fake profiles on FB, one of which is my two middles names, the other of which is the name she had picked out for me if I had been a boy. (I know the name she had picked out because they put presents for me under the Christmas tree when she was pregnant. The boy present wasn't used since I'm female, but Mom kept it on display on the bookshelf in the living room until I was a teenager and she left.) She sent friend requests to sis- and you guessed it, sis accepted them.

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, it's not healthy to maintain a close relationship with someone who's been abusive and never admitted their actions toward you were wrong. A distant and cordial relationship? maybe. Frequent contact that requires you to accept their fantasy world version of things. Nope.

[fairydana]

First off, hugs to you!! I do think that counseling would help you to at least get all of that off your chest. Its a great thing to do for yourself. Hope you can find some kind of peace for yourself.