How Do Y'all Do It?!

[Nishu]

Oh geez, i was just thinking the same thing about what happens when i take a break. Steal a day to chill and i get rewarded with a messy house and twice as much work waiting for me the next day.

I wish i had an answer, but the truth is i have no idea how other people do it. I suspect the truth is that the they dont. My Mil always says Im amazing and that she doesnt know how manage to take care of the kids, homeschool, keep house and clean, especially when my husband is deployed. My answer is always the same. "Have youseen my house? I know you have, were standing in it!"

My house is usally some degree of a mess. Laundry is currently backed up till 2017. Dinner last night was sandwhiches. At some point, something has to give and you and i are both entitled to a little peace. If that means my laundry isnt done, so be it.

My neighbor makes comments to me about how much i have on my platr with the homeschooling, but she amazes me with how tidy her house is. But you know what? I went over to her house today and she apologized for her "mess." I realized, gosh, thats all we ever do. I apologize all the time. My house isnt tidy enough, our schoolwork is on the floor, were having french fries for dinner... sheesh, we all have this completely unrealistic standard for how we should run our homes and even the women who seem to have it all together are suffering from it.

Today when my friend apologized for her non-mess, i decided i was done. No more apologies. Im doing the best I can and i will no longer act as though that int enough.

So theres my final answer, sorry for the tangent. How do i do it? No better than you do.

[Nishu]

Sorry for the weird typing. Im writing on my nook.

[Incognito]

When I was raising 3 kids alone (one with a mental disability), as a divorced, single parent, it felt overwhelming at times. I was always picking up after everyone and stressed. I also worked in our home 10 yrs. (self-employed) as a music teacher, with parents and students coming and going. Finally, I decided to give my kids an allowance once a week, but only after they did their chores:
- cleaned up their rooms (changed the sheets, made the bed, put dirty clothes in the hamper, picked up stuff from the floors, tidied dressers, vacuumed)
I gave extra allowances in the mid-week for extra chores:
- doing laundry
- helping with dishes
- mowing lawn
- shovelling snow
- getting the mail or a few groceries for me

This system worked for us, saved my sanity, and on the days when their rooms were messy, I didn't stress out or involve myself, I just let them have their space and freedom. They learned how to do chores & how to earn money, and we had a happier home because of it.

PS: I know this won't work with adults.

[Sumacaroni]

Raising 3 kids, going to school FT, working PT, and a mister who works 6-6 (gone 12 hrs./day) and somewhat unhelpful with daily chores (and NOT because he's disabled except in his own mind LOL )..... what helped me was breaking things into very small chunks and learning to be satisfied with just accomplishing the basics every day:
Beds made
Everyone's fed
Dishes done
1 load of laundry/day
surfaces clear of clutter and cleaned by the end of the day
Keeping the basics under control every single day made a HUGE difference in my attitude and satisfaction level and it really only requires about an hour of my day total - 1/2 hour morning, 1/2 hour evening so even on the busiest of days, I would not give up the basics.

Anything else cleaned is a bonus. Like an additional load of laundry or vacuuming the living room, dusting, and such and I'd only add a "bonus" item if it would take less than 15 minutes. I started setting "bonus" time to get done after dinner.

Grocery shopping - I had to set an hour to get this done once a week and if it wasn't done by Saturday, I treated it like going to a job - I had to be out to the store by 9a.m. Saturday and I was usually home with time to spare and now motivated to get other things done - bonus stuff!

Anything else that is top priority yet dreaded drudgery, it always helped me to schedule it and, if it helps, reward yourself with something - like for me it was stopping for a caramel mocha at the mini-mart after getting the grocery shopping done!

You sound like me 3 years ago, and I have to say it was a change in attitude when things became more routine (the top priorities, the basics, were always done morning and evening) and I was not just running around putting out the nearest fire only to run off to the next fire!!

In the past 3 years, here's what evolved: the basics take even less time now and my routines are more established so that my calendar is more easily managed... such as I get a weekly car wash on Cheapskate Day, my oil changes are scheduled on the calendar, I check bank balances and take a few minutes to pay online bills every day, etc.

It takes time to establish routines yet if you make it a priority, I think it will work itself out but it does take some dedication to the basics and a change in attitude about the drudgery of it all (at least that is what happened in my mind). And don't forget to take time and reward yourself with some peace and quiet or whatever will make you happier when you get things done! You deserve it if you are working hard to stay ahead of the game.

[Sumacaroni]

Oh and I want to add.... my house is not CLEAN and CLEAR all the time, not at all. Especially weekends! I just learned to live with the fact that we LIVE in our house so it, of course, looks that way. I am just happier when the basics get done morning and evening so when I get up in the morning, the kitchen is not a total disaster and I have not gone for 5 days without doing laundry because it becomes too overwhelming.

I just figured out the top 3 things I was most procrastinating on and worked on those first: Dishes, Laundry, and Grocery shopping. Once those were fairly consistently done, I felt like I could add things to the to-do list for the week.

[McD]

Ever since Moo was born, I have been struggling. Z works from 2-12*. (*That's when his shift is scheduled to end, he usually gets held over and works until 3 am or so, then has court in the morning, or training classes, etc.). I work from 8-430. I very rarely get to see him. He very rarely gets to see the kids.

My daily schedule consists of a 6 am wakeup, getting myself ready for work, both kids fed and dressed,lunches packed, a load of laundry started (If I am running on schedule), see Dubya over to the neighbors, Moo to daycare, then I get to work. I try to either run errands, get groceries, or go home and see Z on my lunch break, but I only get 30 minutes. After work, I pick up Moo, get Dubya. In between getting after school snacks, talking about our day, checking mailing, swapping out laundry, etc. I am also starting dinner, doing dishes, sweeping, taking out trash etc. After dinner, Z may get to come home for dinner, which gets the kids all riled up. During that time I am also trying to clean up kitchen, do laundry, bathe children, get school stuff ready for the next day, and do the bedtime routine.

Here is what wisdom the past two years of this has bestowed upon me:
1. You have to lower your standards. You cannot be perfect. Your house cannot be perfect. No one is perfect. Like Nishu, my MIL compliments me on keeping things together and the whole time I am thinking, "Holy eff, it feels like everything is falling apart." But I bet if you talk to someone that you think has it all together, they will have the exact same disbelief.

2. Things will get screwed up. Plans will change. You will be having a horrific day and your toddler will rip off her diaper and poop on the floor. When you attempt to pick up said toddler, she will step back onto the poop, slip, fall onto the poop, roll about on the poop, all the while screaming, "NO!" and kicking you with her little poopy feet. Okay, so that might not really happen to you, but just imagine it as metaphor or something.

3. You have to make time for you, at the expense of something else. You may pay for it later. Scratch that, you WILL pay for it later, but it is SO worth it. Once a week, I have me time. I either go out with a group of girlfriends for book club or knitting or I just park my butt on the couch and watch something I want to watch. But I always feel rejuvenated afterwards. And that is important.

4. Make lists. You can have a master list, a daily list, whatever. My basic must do list consists of making lunch, making dinner, doing dishes, general pick up. Some nights, there are crumbs on my floor when I go to bed. But they will still be there in the morning for me to sweep up. Also have a list of need to dos. This list includes things that you want to do, but aren't pressing. For me this includes things like, declutter junk drawer, sweep garage, etc.

5. Involve others. Don't be afraid to ask for help (This is hard for me). Make lists for others--this may be helpful for DH. If you know he is having a rough day, put easy stuff on his list so he still feels like he is contributing. I make lists for DH all the time.

6. Have a support system that you can vent to. I know I can gripe to certain friends and use tons of profanity. They won't judge, they listen, and I feel better.

7. Let go of the guilt.

And that is all. For now.

[Sumacaroni]

2. Things will get screwed up. Plans will change. You will be having a horrific day and your toddler will rip off her diaper and poop on the floor. When you attempt to pick up said toddler, she will step back onto the poop, slip, fall onto the poop, roll about on the poop, all the while screaming, "NO!" and kicking you with her little poopy feet. Okay, so that might not really happen to you, but just imagine it as metaphor or something.

LOL @ that because I once had a 1 year old and 2 year old with a 48 oz. container of peanut butter and an 18 oz. jar of grape (yes PURPLE) jelly sitting unseen in kitchen dipping in their hands and shaking them furiously splattering all over everything, EVERY thing, when I got the chance to go check on them, I found their purple socks and feet walking thru the carpeted living room wiping their hands on the recliner while I was TRYING to help the 7 year old get something finished on the computer in the family room -- they were laughing and happy so I thought they were fine briefly unsupervised! To this day, I have NO idea, NONE, how they got those containers out of the cabinets and started this mess. It is now known as the PBJ Incident throughout the family. Only me and my mother ever saw it, only my mother saw how I was about to lose it and she quickly came to the kids' rescue and told me to leave

Sorry for the hijack, just wanted to add that I agree with McD's sentiment that things will get screwed up on days (no matter how hard you try to keep it together) and you just have to roll with the punches and do as much as you can by trying to get into some sort of normal (whatever that means to you) routine.

[lparker]

Hey Libby, How long have YOU been doing it??? I'm thinking more than a couple years. If you had the time to think about it, you could probably write a book for the rest of us.

Yesterday's gone - carrying it on your back is tiring. Tomorrow's not here - why worry about what MIGHT happen. Today - do what you have to do.

[oheoh's momma]

Libby I reread this grand ma does the same thing it drives me crazy I rewash things if I see it. knives with meat on them, spoons with food, coffee cups with coffee on the bottom. She spills things. I also keep lysol wipes on the kitchen counter. I am sorry I did not know your husband had difficulties also. My husband works like a dog and is exhausted. Just know that you are doing your best. Helps a lot. We are in this together. Bu my MIL aka grandma is crazy and a drug addict. So Smile about that. Hugs

[forHISglory]

Wow. You make me think back to my teaching days. I had to stay highly coordinated and organized to make everything happen. But if I were to take a day off (jury duty, sick day, etc.), then it was triple trouble. I had to make elaborate plans for every minute of the school day, have all books, seating charts, workbooks, kits, etc. laid out and labeled. Then when I returned, I had to try to figure out what the sub actually did, clean up the messes, put things away, grade and record the work from that day, AND do my regular teaching for that day! Honestly, it was easier to just go to school sick....

Anyway, I would be so overwhelmed that I would just sit and cry. That was my professional life. I still had to deal with keeping a family going and house clean, and all the other "have-to's" of life. There were times that I actually got the jitters and just shook from the stress.

Much of this was my own fault, as I placed very high expectations on myself, expectations that no one else put on me. I had to learn to just let some things go. That is super tough for someone who wants to be perfect!

A family meeting with calendars really helped. We made up lists of who did what and when. We decided that we would cook on weekends and just warm up left overs or have sammies the rest of the week. Everyone got his/her own breakfast. Laundry was saved for only Saturdays; if you had to wear the same undies twice, so be it. As for cleaning, I just did one wall at a time. For example, I might do one living room wall, and dust only the things along that wall. My perfectionistic soul was shocked, but that's how we made it work. We divided chores, and learned who was most proficient at doing what. I was better at keeping bills paid on time, so that became my job. Hubby was better at keeping the yardwork done, so he took over that. Son actually wasn't too good at anything, but he had his job list, too. And so forth.

Just want to say that it will get better. Don't know why everything dumps at the same time, but it does. So keep your head above water, but let some things go. Also want to say that things go in cycles. Part of my lifetime was spent keeping kids more or less healthy, and now part of my lifetime is keeping my parents more or less healthy. I have to clean the things they no longer see, schedule their appointments, see that they take their meds, and so forth.

I am blessed to have had kids and to have parents. It's still hard for me to relax and take time for me, and to overlook the less-dangerous messes. But it will be OK. You will be OK, Libby. Really.

[Libby]

Thank you everyone for sharing your own personal story and tips on how you 'did it' and survived. I love the suggestions and different views/perspectives on this type of situation.

I think my biggest issue is that ultimately, I feel like I'm responsible for dad b/c I (we - DH & I) live with him. We're not of the mindset of 'Oh, he's 80 now - time to shove him into a home even though he's all there mentally and physically b/c MY/OUR life is more important than his'. That truly irks me when others have asked me why my dad isn't in a home 'yet'. Whats even more upsetting - my own brother and his wife have been suggesting this option NON STOP ever since my dad had his stroke and drivers lic medically suspended. Its feels like they're saying that since I'm struggling to deal with 'life', my problems will end once we put him into a home. Maybe since I've worked in a seniors home and for a seniors advocacy agency that makes me have a different perspective on things? All I know is, that is not even up for consideration or close to it. I am fortunate enough to be able to stay home to look after him but it does get tiring - recleaning the same thing after you just finished cleaning it 10 minutes ago continually throughout the day does start to grate on your nerves.

In a round about way, I feel like I am now the parent and he's the child. I have to drive him around and take him places. I coordinate his schedule as well as my own. I try to keep him on the straight and narrow - take meds on time, take him to walk/get his exercise and try to get him to eat healthily most of the time etc. Like children, they don't always want to go where you want, when you want thus ensuing a battle of some sort. No amount of prep and communication will work 100% of the time.

Asking for help (is hard for me to do but has been done in the past) is one thing. My siblings 'hear' me but then only 'suggest' things back. When I explain why their suggestions won't work they try to flip it back onto me saying I'm too lazy or close minded and I shouldn't be asking for help if I didn't really want it. Its not that I don't want help but I need the 'right type' of help, not the quick fly by night options they've offered. (I've also accepted their idea of help to only get called non stop with questions thus making me unable to do what I needed to get done forcing me to return home - which was why I needed their help in the first place. Sometimes you just take what you can get right?)

Example: Dad wants to rearrange the living room - I need help to move the sleeper sofa b/c its too heavy for both dad and I to move it. I've asked someone to come over and they've accepted. Initially, they will say yes and as the week dwindles on, they find reasons to not come over OR if they do show up its like I only have a 5 minute window to move the furniture to dads liking and they have to bolt out the door again. Making us feel like we've ruined their lives and inconvenienced them.

I do manage to get the basics done, dr's appointments, bills paid, grocery shopping, throwing out expired food though dad still wants to eat it, car maintenance, laundry etc. but it constantly feels like an uphill battle. As I like to say, anything above and beyond that is gravy. And I agree, when the crap starts to fly, it really does fly. But thats life right? You have to roll with the punches.

I think I miss having a structured day laden with routine. Just when we get into the swing of things, a meltdown occurs thus bucking the system and throwing off the entire schedule we've just created and proven that worked.

I still can't help but feel guilty for taking time for myself. I enjoy the activity that I've chosen to do 'for me' but as soon as its done, the guilt seeps in.

Hey Libby, How long have YOU been doing it??? I'm thinking more than a couple years. If you had the time to think about it, you could probably write a book for the rest of us.

Yesterday's gone - carrying it on your back is tiring. Tomorrow's not here - why worry about what MIGHT happen. Today - do what you have to do.

Thats a good way of looking at it. Thank you lparker. I think I've been 'doing this' for a lot longer then I realize. As for your saying - it does hold truth however in my situation - I can't worry about the past b/c its pointless, and I do need to worry about tomorrow b/c the things I think will happen usually do end up happening. As for today - I do what I have to do.

[McD]

Is it in the budget or feasible to hire a helper for a few hours a couple of days a week? They could help with odds and ends such as moving furniture?

I know there are programs around here for "Mom's Morning Out", but maybe there is something to get your dad involved in? Maybe he likes to play chess and there is a chess club? Just as an example.

[CrazyCat]

oh libby. I can SO relate. I caught my dad trying to put a 'dirty' baggie back in the drawer..because it 'wasn't' dirty.~NOW I know why we have mice.
Oh..the coffee all over the floor because he missed pouring it in his cup...or the cherrios over the floor..because he filled up his bowl too full.
He IS 88..and we are of the same mindset to keep him OUT of the nursing home. I just tell myself he's like one of the kids. (however..my kids are 18 and 24 now)~more like a toddler really.
I'm living with a toddler again. Only worse..because they still think of you as their 'child' that they don't have to listen to.
I've learned to
1. pick my battles
2. lessen my standards..(the floor isn't always clean)
3. take multiple deep breaths when I have to account for my time. (where WERE you?? you were late getting home from work)

My father asks 100 questions a day. Where's this person..where's that person..what are you doing with that...ect.
I finally told him he was allowed 2 questions/day. He better think before he asks me something. He asks questions about things he KNOWS..just to hear my answer. COME ON~!!!!
I don't even TALK that much.~LOL!