first holiday disagreement

**oheoh's momma** · 10-30-2011, 04:02 PM

Well this week has been aggarvating Hubby has passed 2 kidney stones in last 2 weeks. This week he fighting a cold. One car is not at home stranded with a flat tire the other needs to go into the shop..
Ok grandma borrowed $400 off of a relative for a recliner with heat and massage for her pain. Then is when the doctor ordered her one and the co pay was over 700. Now with her car broke down she does not want to fix it she wants to buy me a sleep apnea machine. I have been ordered one and will get it when we can afford it. She also wants to move her checking account so she can get a free $150 in six weeks. But does not have the 100 dollars to put into it.
She bounced a check for her daughters Christmas gift but put it in layaway instead of just bouncing it for the whole thing. She has decided to buy them a Wii and clothes for the holidays. WE bought the kids a nice gift from her because we knew she would screw up her money.
Now she is sending her brother money he is in dire straights but put all of her meds and other necessities on us.
I am thankful I started early for the holidays even though I have not accomplished all I wanted and my cleaning stockpile is not what I wanted.
The next battle is Thanksgiving which she wants to cook and make all her dishes she made for her big family. Well I am hateful but no she is always putting us in a bind with money.
A turkey is frugal and mine is never dry. Already have sweet pot for the holiday and pumpkin. I have all the ingredients for my stuffing except for celery and onion and seasonings. I have corn in the freezer and my cake mixes. ALL I have to buy is turkey, flour, meal, onion , celery, 1 apple 1 orange , 1 box of razberry jello and 1 box of orange jello,sage, poultry seasonings, egg, and 1 pack of rolls.
Everything else is stocked in my pantry. Including cranberry sauce. GRR we have told her we hate her ham sauce and we hate mushroom soup on green beans. And Toubuli was not served at the first Thanksgiving. Oh well on that note I am grateful for what I have. The only thing I wish was different my cleaning supplies, tp, tide, and pet food. It will be ok it always is.

**BlissMommy** · 10-30-2011, 05:21 PM

Oh my, hugs to you! I hope she calms down on all her demands. I have relatives like that too. Hubby is helping out his father and now his nephew is staying with us, hubby got them cell phones, now he says we need to get them clothes, he doesn't see how much the rest of us have to give up for all of this stuff. We have 5 children and I'm not spoiling their Christmas for his Dad and nephew. Hugs, Sweetie.

**rosey7415** · 10-30-2011, 06:19 PM

......and so it begins.............

**mh3rdwheel** · 10-30-2011, 06:31 PM

I feel for both of you, hugs and hope things work out better.

**frugalwarrior2** · 10-30-2011, 09:04 PM

Grandma sounds like she doesn't know what to do w/ herself because she feels like she has no place. I would let her make 1 thing that she chose and just buy it. (no not lobster grandma)
It also sounds like she doesn't understand budgeting. Assuming she isn't addled I would make a budget or at least a calendar of bills/expenses and hang it on the wall in a private area.
If she's just a spoiled pain in the Axx like my MIL please just disregarding all afore mentioned advice and proceed.lol
Hugs in any case.

**NicJean** · 10-30-2011, 11:23 PM

Wow, it does seem she's not quite sure what to do with herself. Give her a "job" (making a centerpiece, setting the table, scripture or a remembrance honoring the pilgrims, games for after the meal? I dunno, anything!) might make her feel valued and needed. I know my MIL is very lost right now (FIL passed in July), and am not expecting anything from her for the holiday (I claimed Thanksgiving dinner.) We are inviting SIL and family from Maine for the first time ever (hope she can get off, she's a news anchor). With her daughter and family staying with her, this will 'help' with MIL's lost feeling I imagine.

**oheoh's momma** · 10-31-2011, 12:58 PM

I think I am giving her desserts. It is difficult for her because this is her Thanksgiving without her whole big family. I am very frugal with Thanksgiving. I can usually do the whole meal for less than 50 bucks. I shop on sale and cook from scratch. I make a big meal Turkey, dressing, cranberry salad, sweet potatoes casserole, corn on cob, broccoli bread, slaw, homemade mac and cheese. Rolls, pumpkin pie with whipped cream. A cake of some sorts. 8 people here max.
There just is no need for a ham which no one eats,cauliflower with cheese, spaghetti salad, green bean casserole touboli, frost on the pumpkin cake.
She has no concept of budgeting for anything. so I do not want to purchase a wii for her daughter. grr it will be ok. 1 car fixed and 1 to go. Hubby has to take her to dr. out of all her meds. thanks for listening. hugs pen

**krbshappy71** · 10-31-2011, 01:11 PM

hugs to you Oheoh's momma!!

Its difficult when two people want to do the same holiday their own way. My mom "only gets" to have Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. I don't understand it but she is really possessive over those two because they are the "only" ones. (my sister in law has the other holidays)

I don't have any holidays at my house, I don't want them, they can battle over it all they want. I offer to bring what I have available, I don't openly say "hey what can I bring?" because it might not fit in my budget.

How does she think she is going to make those dishes if she doesn't have the money?

Go out on your own, get what you need, and freeze up the leftovers if she does make stuff but I think you will just have to stay strong and stick to your budget.

**Libby** · 10-31-2011, 02:11 PM

*HHHHUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGEEEEE HHHHUUUUUUGGGGGSSSS*

My dad gets like this - he's used to cooking for a large # of eaters OR less people with super healthy appetites

When each holiday meal time occurs, we usually coordinate a family meal the day before or after never on the actual day. Dad gets all upset and wants to cook a minimal version of the meal and while we're eating it - he's like "we shoulda cooked X and X" or "we're missing X!" and is disappointed.

To help curb this we try to encourage him to cook one or two of his major faves for 'us' and then when we go for the family meal, we cook it again. Sometimes a holiday meal isn't the same w/o a few familiar side dishes. Maybe let her pick one or two sides so she doesn't feel like its not her holiday too? I know its hard on you and your budget but if this could potentially bring peace for one meal, isn't it worth it? And as FW said, it doesn't have to be the most expensive options either. Just a lil something something for her.

**frugalfranny** · 10-31-2011, 02:44 PM

Hugs.........and I hope things settle down soon.........like before the holidays would be nice!

Stay strong and stand your ground...........you know what you can afford!

**mauimagic** · 11-01-2011, 01:18 AM

Sending lots of hugs and rational thoughts your way - sounds as if she really doesn't have too many to share. Do what you need to do for your financial, mental and physical sanity first - you'e driving this load!!

**oheoh's momma** · 11-01-2011, 12:24 PM

We decided to buy the smallest ham there is for her, let make touboli and green bean casserole. She wants to make her dressing hubby said he would like mine. She wants to cook the turkey with oranges in the cavity I am severely allergic to oranges so no oranges.If i give in she won't do the work anyway so it will be put off on me. I am going to let her do desserts. She thinks because I have an untraditional Christmas that she could do her thing for Thanksgiving. (Chinese for Christmas)
NO I am not buying her lazy daughter a Wii.

**Libby** · 11-02-2011, 12:29 PM

Sounds like you've found a decent 'middle ground'. Our family makes the holidays 'all about the food' not the gift giving. Knowing both her limits and yours will save you both aggravation later on down the road on the day of.

Am I understanding this correctly - grandma = DH's mom, not yours? She should pay for her needs first before thinking of a gift for others that isn't necessary. I know money is a whole other battle but perhaps reminders that you're not able to cover her bills should she not be able to buy her necessities. Her knowing that she doesn't have a safety net *might* break her thinking especially if its for her own medication.