He's gone down a road we can't travel... (long)

[Lady_V]

As some of you know, OldMan has a younger brother. 8 years ago we invited him to live with us, get a job, get on his feet, break away from the problems he had in Memphis. End result. I kicked him out. He got a job, I told him to give me $75 per check towards "room & board". What he didn't know was, OldMan and I planned on holding on to it for him and give it back when he finally had enough of his own saved up to get a cheap studio apartment or something. He never gave us a dime. The only thing I asked was that he not be drunk in my house when my Diva was home, and to never bring drugs here. He did both and never gave us a dime. Eventually their mom wired him $350 to take a bus home. (The bus was only $75 then)

Fast forward a few years, he would call and say he is so hungry, broke, fired once again. He was everything we feared he would be. Lost. We didn't give up on him though, we would try to be his personal cheering squad, and more than once OldMan would send him money. I said nothing, it's his brother, it's his money. I did finally say something when the phone calls DEMANDING money started coming in. OldMan and I do "okay" but not as well off as his brother seems to think we are.

He called saying he was starving, had not eatten in days... my quick solution was to call Dominos and get a ton of the pizza deals delivered to his house. Healthy? Not really, but beats the hell out of starving before we could send him some food and/or money. He complained that we couldn't pay the tip online. He said something about them spitting on the food if there was no tip. I told him that they won't know ahead of time that there isn't a tip. His reply floored me, to the point that I hung up, called Dominos and cancelled the order. What did he say? "I order from them all the time, they know me, I have to tip them".

Here we are, scraping together the money to order him a ton of food so he won't keel over dead, and he's been spending all the money on fast food, alcohol, and drugs.

Mom cut him off, she had been paying his rent, utilities, cell phone, money for food, everything. Well, she gave him $10K and told him "time to grow up, you're 29 now, be a man". I know he didn't use that money to get new clothes, pay his bills and stock-up on food because we started getting phone calls from OTHER cell phones he borrowed, complaining how he was cut off, and he demanded more money. He would guilt OldMan about not being there for him, for leaving him there to rot. It started to cause problems in our life because I too wanted to cut him off. Eventually, OldMan would ignore any call coming in from a TN number.

That brings us to the now, and the road he has to travel alone. On the 30th, OldMan noticed a few calls in the voicemal, all coming from the jail down there. Our cells can't accept collect calls and with him ignoring TN calls, he had no idea until later that night that it was from the jail. I was away until that Tuesday, unable to call him because he turned his phone off because he thought his brother was arrested, once again, for panhandeling or something equally as stupid.

He was only half right. He was arrested. He was sitting in the jail. He called for us to bail him out.

On Wednesday, I thought it was strange that Mr. Guilt-trip hasn't called back to scream and yell about how we left him in jail, wanting more money, the usual. I don't know what possessed me to go to the jail website and put in his name... I wasn't prepared for what I saw, and equally as unprepared in telling OldMan why he hasn't been calling.

He's still in jail. He will BE in jail because he has a FIRM $75K bail. He confessed to the crime he committed. He will be in court, with a public defender on Wednesday. He is looking at 15-60 years. His mom is hoping it's closer to 60, OldMan is hoping for the lesser and prays that he finds a God, learns a skill and comes out of this as a man... me? I honestly feel in my heart that he will not make it out of the prison alive. He has a big mouth. I've read that his crime will give him some "prison cred", but, nothing can erase what will most likely tumble out of his mouth on a daily basis.

I wrote to him, telling him not to call again. Writing is okay and we will try to send him a package twice a year, but it is our decision to do so. If there is anything he needs, write to us and when his package month comes close, we will see what we can do, but to demand and expect nothing. We will put money on his books, for stamps only, enough for 2 letters a month.

At times I feel like I am being a royal bitch because I laid the law down on this one... no financial support. Period. What he did is not forgiveable, at least not to me. If by any chance he DOES get the lesser sentence, he is not welcomed in my home. He is my family because he is OldMan's family, but he's gone to a place we can't go. I refuse to go. I can not and will not let his tear apart the family more than it already has.

We have not told Diva yet, not sure how to tell her, not sure we ever will.

Thanks for letting me vent, there is NO ONE I can talk to about this. It's one of those deep dark secrets you try to hide from the neighbors, the employers, society in general. My only silver lining is that this happened in TN, and not here.

[Momto5RN]

well at least he cant tell you he is starving and has no where to live anymore .

hugs going out to you- your dh wants to believe the best of his brother but i do not think he is in reality , sounds alot like how my dh would be wants to think the best of everyone - which is nice - but infuriating at times for those watching on the sidelines.

[frugalfoster]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink. You have to hit bottom before you can begin to rise, maybe this is his bottom.

[jas]

hugs to you and your family.

[Russ]

You absolutely can not help someone who is not willing to help themselves. If you continue to try, you become an enabler.

[oheoh's momma]

I think the way to go is for u. You made the right decision. I am proud of you.

[dcompton]

People make choices and choices have consequences. It sounds like he has had more than enough chances to get it together, and that you and your DH have done your share to help him. This has escalated beyond what you should, or even can, deal with. I'm sure that's hard for your DH to accept, but it's up to his brother now.

[Ceashels]

Hugs to you. And you are right, he has chosen a path that you in your good conscious can follow. You need to protect your family first and foremost and that is all there is to it.

He'll need to learn the hard way and if it takes all those years to do it, then so be it. He can always help himself if he wants to.


Blessings to you.

[Spirit Deer]

You owe him nothing. You've gone above and beyond to help him in the past, and he repaid you by ignoring the requests you made to follow a few simple rules in YOUR home.

You're doing the right thing. Enabling isn't helping. He's been enabled enough and has to face reality now.

Good luck. It's difficult to handle these situations, I know.

[Ramona]

There comes a time when one must "Let go and let God".

This is one of those times.

[Syn D]

Tough Love should of stepped in a long time ago. Took me forever to get my mom to do it with my sister, but when she did it took the daily stress off of her (sister was 45 y.o.). She never recouped the $$ tho'.

We cut our oldest off years ago.

One can only do and tolerate so much.

[Rebookie]

You are doing the right thing! You don't owe him anything. AT ALL. He's a grown man.

[Libby]

I'll be the one to say it: *THIS* incident that he got himself into is a blessing in disguise. He didn't know he was in trouble nor asking for help. He will now have a roof over his head, be warm and fed. All the essentials he will now have.

You, OM and his parents should not feel guilty one bit. You've tried to help him, his mom can only instill life lessons into him until a certain age and the rest is up him.

When asking for help, one should accept whatever is given. If not accepted, then they are not asking for help.

[nodmicks]

I am so very sorry you and the family are going through all this. Prayers and hugs.

[lwlynch]

omg almost word for word with what i go through my two brother in laws...i feel for ya.. pray for you...