DH is becoming depressed about $, work, life.

**greekislandgirl** · 12-21-2011, 02:16 AM

Thank you all for your support and advice. I chatted with a mutual friend on FB and I asked him if he'd talked to DH lately; he said no, and I said "you should call him - you'll make his day!" in a sort of off-hand way and he said he would. Then when DH came home I mentioned that we'd chatted and he said "I really need to call him." So hopefully they will reconnect soon.

Then last night we sat down together and I told him that we need to do 3 things.

1) We need to work out a plan for the future that will satisfy his career ambitions and set up a plan of action for making it possible.

2) He needs to talk to someone, whether it be a therapist or his friends, but it has to be someone. We set up a "playdate" (hehe) for him to play sports with a very old friend today (who lives in another city but works in this one), and he promised me he would reach out to his friends in other cities, and that if he didn't feel better, we could look for a therapist.

3) He needs to make an effort to appreciate the positives in life (including work) instead of focusing so much on the negatives.

So we started working out a plan for him to finish his PhD, starting in the summer of 2013 even in the absence of financial support. He seemed so much more hopeful when we talked it through. I set up a savings fund for that. No money in it yet, but it will get there. As long as we start getting that going, and he talks to his friends and makes an effort to smile once in a while, I'm feeling hopeful. He even said "as long as I know that I'm headed SOMEWHERE, I'm not worried."

**peanut** · 12-21-2011, 10:56 AM

Way to go greekislandgirl! Some of us just need to have some focus or goals in our lives. My DH doesn't need them. I do. I'm wishing you both all kinds of success.

By the way, vitamin D3 seemed to lift my depression this fall...1000 IU daily.

**greekislandgirl** · 12-21-2011, 11:04 AM

He seems better today already. I have to be very careful that he's not putting up a cheerful exterior to protect me from his depression, because that's exactly the kind of thing he would do (whether intentionally or unintentionally). I also think it is a case of "fake it til you make it." (You know how just smiling - even when you aren't happy - improves your mood? that kind of thing.)

The kids were doing irregular activities (they had an assembly this morning and a few other things going on) so he had his extracurricular kids in rehearsals all day instead of teaching regular classes, and while he's tired from that, I think it makes him feel much more creative/productive than the day-to-day slog.

A childhood friend of his who lives abroad is coming home on Friday and playing a concert (I believe he is a classical guitarist) in DH's hometown so we're going to see that. It's €14 for both of us but I think we can swing it. And then we'll spend the rest of the weekend at the IL's for Christmas stuff. So at least he'll get a change of scene and a chance to play with his dog.

Except his extremely obnoxious grandmother will be there too, I forgot about that. She's beyond description and worthy of a whole different thread but I'll spare you. She's quite likely to burst into tears and throw a tantrum if we don't give her adequate fawning attention!

**erinalexmom** · 12-26-2011, 08:35 AM

I understand completely what your going through. My husband and I are both stuck in jobs we dont really care for right now. We also both have opportunities to take jobs that we both love however those jobs dont pay what the crappy jobs do. Therefore we are stuck.
The one hope that I have is that if we could get out of debt we could both take the jobs we love (the jobs will wait for us) so my entire goal is that 2012 will be the year we get out of debt. I am looking as debt free as freedom to enjoy ourselves.

Which is great but the day to day living is what is the hard part. Getting through the year without being miserable is going to be tough.
Good luck to you and your husband. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

**greekislandgirl** · 12-26-2011, 10:15 AM

Heather, thanks for your post. I really hope you guys kick the debt this year and can have your dream jobs! When you consider how much of your life you spend at work, it really is a shame to have a job you don't love. (Though I suppose that's the case for the vast majority of people, isn't it? Not that many lucky ones who LOVE their jobs!)

Right now is Christmas break so DH is happier because he's not at work - but in general his outlook has improved since we "dealt with it" so to speak. I've already started socking pennies away for when we take the next step toward getting him a better job. I feel good about that too, not just he!

**erinalexmom** · 12-26-2011, 12:42 PM

you should feel good! Helping someone make a dream come true is a wonderful thing! Love is all about helping each other become better/happier people

**Squidge** · 12-26-2011, 05:16 PM

What a supportive and constructive way to tackle a difficult situation. Props to you, dude

Hope your DH stays positive.

**brennasmom** · 12-26-2011, 05:23 PM

GIG ~ So glad to hear that things are going better. Sounds like things are really tough there right now. Are there any small things you can do to help ease his load?

**greekislandgirl** · 12-27-2011, 09:29 AM

brennasmom, I regularly offer to help with work but he won't let me - a lot of it is stuff that has to be done at school (he's the (unpaid) school secretary so he has TONS of bureaucracy to do - Greek public schools are drowning in bureaucracy / paperwork apparently! and since he's the "new guy" he got stuck with the job that used to belong to TWO full-time secretaries (whom they can no longer afford to pay!) - but I can't help with that. I do everything I can to help him so his daily life is as easy as possible. For example, I do 100% of the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, financial stuff, bill paying, and so on. The only thing he does is make his breakfast. I even make his coffee

. On the weekends if he wants to he does some cleaning but not the daily stuff. As far as money, my income does help and I worry about the money so he doesn't have to. If there were something else I could do, I would do it. I often offer and if he can think of something, he isn't shy to ask for help. At least he does ask for help when he needs it.

I think the main problem is that such a huge amount of the work he has to do, in addition to being NOT in the job description (secretarial bureaucratic stuff) is also stuff that has to be done on-site and I can't help with. (Even if I went to the school, I couldn't help because they're very strict about who touches what. The teachers aren't allowed to take their attendance books off school property, no one except the teacher is allowed to touch it, and so on.)

**oheoh's momma** · 12-27-2011, 12:15 PM

That is what social workers call a action plan.... It will help a lot..hugs u are so smart and caring....Hugs and prayers for u my far away frugal friend....

**ncarr** · 12-28-2011, 07:53 PM

Hi dear

As someone who has battled depression and anxiety I feel for you and your dh. I would get in to see a doc in case he does need medication (I know it sounds cliche but it really did change my life!). As far as therapy, I know you said he is not religious but many churches offer free counseling services and it might be something to look into.

As a fellow teacher I hope he feels better soon! Teaching is a tough job but can be so rewarding and fun, too! I hope he can get better so he can have more of the fun moments xoxo