Elderly Parent Caregiver Input Wanted: What sort of help to ask for?

[Uniwolf]

Libby; my perspective on this will probably be a little different, when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, he lived in Montana, we live in Arkansas. I made it a point to call my dad every 2 or 3 days, we would talk about what ever he wanted to talk about, and some days we were on the phone for 10 or 15 min, some days we were on the phone for 2 or 3 hrs. It got to where mom had a horrible time getting him to eat, so I would send things that I knew were his fav's, like oysters, and a specific candy bar, I would make his fav cookies, ect. And would send him care packages at least once a week. Things that she could easily have bought there, that he wouldn't touch, but if I sent them he would. I don't know for sure the rational in his mind for the difference, but there was one, so we worked around it. I also sent mom checks every couple of weeks to go toward what ever she needed it for. (to include a trip to the beauty shop for her.) I actually had to send her money to give to my sister so she would stay with my dad, so that mom could go get her hair done to give her a break from my dad. But that is a whole nother issue. Point is, I lived hundrads of miles away, I worked out a soulition that worked for mom, dad, and I. If your siblings care to make the effort, they will work out something that works for them, and your dad. (also please note that mom is actually my stepmom, but she and daddy were married for 18 yrs after dad remarried, after my own mother passed away)

[Libby]

Is there an agency in your area that can give you information on what is available in your area for support?
I smiled when you said dad would want to come home after the visit. It is because home is a safe place with routines and items that are familiar.

piney

There are a few seniors advocacy groups I could contact and well I did work for one so I could look them up and get back in touch and use the info I used to send out. The few local ones I have contacted only offer 'in patient' care ie dad would need to live in one of their residences which he's not ready for. They did offer something like a weekend 'camp' type thing. This way I could drop dad off on Friday evening and pick him back up Sunday evening while I had the weekend to do as I pleased etc so I (ie caretaker) could get a break. They would provide 24 hour care, make sure he eats at mealtimes, takes his meds, has activities/keep him occupied etc and is generally cared for. Dads a stubborn mule so thats not happening anytime soon.

From the other end of the spectrum, though both siblings have offered to watch him and are always busy when I call in that favour, if I were to do this and dad were to agree to it - they'd both be livid with me. I need to do what works for me and not let them emotionally beat me down with their guilt. But we're not at that point yet.

Libby.........does he like to go for rides? (my dad loved exploring his 'little countryside')........how about asking one of the sibs to come get him and take him for a day.........just riding (if that is one of his things) and for lunch or shopping somewhere that he likes?

He doesn't really have any hobbies. I mean once spring arrives, we can focus on gardening which does need daily maintenance which is good. It keeps him focused. I guess this is the winter blues kicking in though its been so mild here for 'winter' that he is still able to keep up with his daily walks and still walks to the grocery store or seniors mall for things - this is a good year.

What I do notice that dad likes (besides the casino) is that we go grocery shopping. He doesn't like to buy everything at once from one store but rather hit a different store each day - which is why we're constantly going out daily. I don't mind. DH doesn't mind. If this keeps dad happy and mobile, we're for it. But eventually, you can only buy so many 'things' or groceries before you hit the wall and start the cycle all over again. Wait, shop, shop shop, wait etc. KWIM?

Libby could u have a friend of yours come and sit with dad so u could go out to lunch with family or friends.. It is hard I know. could some one come and stay with dad for a evening.
maybe discuss with the siblings that 1 of them could come 1x a week so u could have some me time.
I feel for u there is no one to help with grandma so it all on me...
Yes u are entitled to a meltdown and entitled to your feelings. I hope u can get your family to help you. we are trying home health here.

I have had two friends offer this to me but they would be the ones I'd like to meet up with and enjoy their company. Both of these friends have also taken it upon themselves to invite both dad and I out together to do stuff so that we both get a chance to go out and do things that aren't routine. They've gone above and beyond. The remainder of both DH & I's close friends all know that dad is automatically included in whatever we're doing (99%) of the time. I don't want to refer to him as my child but its like he is - a dependent that comes with me to do whatever I need to do.

Can I second your siblings suggestions that you do actually see a counselor? Not because you had a meltdown, but because I think you would benefit from having an outside view of the situation.

I watched my MIL do this with her mother. She was always taking care of her, driving her to doctors appointments, in charge of her meds, and took her into her home at the end. She was always upset at her sisters for not helping more, but she was also a control freak over the situation, so if they didn't help in exactly the right way - like took her to the wrong grocery store - she would freak out. It reminded me of helicopter parenting - like my MIL knew her mom best she since she was best qualified to make all the decisions so she wanted to make all the decisions, but at the same time resented ended up with all the work. It was a difficult situation for everyone, and in particular was really hard on my MIL.

I dont mind the idea of talking with a counselor. I've done it before and I definitely could do it again.

I think my issue is with my siblings more then the care for/of my dad. My sister has been pushing for a group session for the siblings only which excludes DH who is my partner in caring for dad. He has done more for dad then both of the siblings combined. Yet he doesn't get a 'say' about dads care. Thats kind of insulting & upsetting to me especially since he's one of the two primary caregivers.

Helicopter parenting - I guess you could kind of say that I do do that however I treat dad how I'd like to be cared for when I get older. Its just who I am. Its apparently that the siblings and I do not share this same view. Perhaps its b/c I spend so much time with dad that I see all the lil intricacies that they don't think they have the time to look for - thus coming across as selfish w/o intending to?

If your siblings care to make the effort, they will work out something that works for them, and your dad.

Thank you. I think that sums it up the best. I need to leave it in their hands.

DH puts it like this: They come in, wind him up, then leave - forcing us (DH & I) to deal with dad and to bring him back to reality which sometimes hurts to watch.

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Thank you everyone for the input and different insights on this. I guess I really don't need to ask for (more) help with regards to dad but rather need to focus on my siblings and ask them to NOT offer help b/c they really don't mean it. And that I need to let go of my expectations - though asked by them. With this, I hope to be rid of my 'hired help' title that seems to have been bestowed upon me.