Elderly Parent Caregiver Input Wanted: What sort of help to ask for?

**Libby** · 01-25-2012, 11:53 AM

As many of you know, I am the full time caregiver for my dad. He doesn't need round the clock supervision however he does need someone in the background round the clock, 'just in case'.

Christmas was a huge eye opener for me and I had been brooding since then until I hit my breaking point in early to mid January. As a result I had a meltdown and finally lashed out at my siblings for not living up to their promises of help with dad. They finally have seen the consequences of their neglect and failure to follow through on what they've promised.

What we have hammered out and agreed upon was that since I am with dad 24/7 for the most part, I will get to call all the shots as if he was my dependent with only notifications of major things: health and if we're taking him traveling with us etc. However my sister seems to think *I* need to go to therapy to deal with all of this b/c I had a meltdown. What I need is help with dad, as was promised. I'm tired of no action and too much hot air.

My dilemma, what type of help do I ask for? I do clean the house as well as the other chores that come with home ownership. The basics are covered. I do take into consideration that my siblings are married, work Mon - Fri, have their own lives and don't live close by (yet aren't really all that far) but at the same time they like to spout those factors to me as justification in why they ~~don't~~ can't help.

So if you were in my shoes, what type of help would you ask for? Should I ask them to spend more time with their own father? Should I be the one to help facilitate closing the gaps? I see how sad dad gets after they've come to visit for a few minutes. He feels like a burden to them and then acts out which is the aspect that I am left dealing with. There will be a time that dad will no longer be with us and everyone will have regrets. I'm not sure if they're not as close with dad as I am b/c they've focused on their own lives (ie being selfish) or are just afraid of their own father.

**madhen** · 01-25-2012, 12:21 PM

I was in a similar position, except that my sister lives ten minutes from my mother, and I live about 90 miles away, but they had a very rocky relationship, to the point that my sister spent several months refusing to have anything to do with my mother, and I was driving up to take care of anything Mom needed.

I spent a lot of one-on-one time with both of them. Each visit, I'd spend time listening to complaints, and I'd try to address them much as a counselor would. I.e, "perhaps she feels x because you say y when you visit," etc. I tried not to get emotionally involved, including not taking sides, even though that can be difficult. It took a lot of time and a lot of patience, and a lot of biting my tongue, but I finally figured out why they were fighting so much, and was able to "teach" each of them how to relate to each other in a way that kept the tension down and allowed them to communicate and sometimes even enjoy each other's company!

My sister now gives me credit for improving her relationship with our mother. It is not the Rockwellian mother-daughter relationship she craves, but she realizes that there are issues that she needs to accept. (My mother has always been hyper-critical of my sister, for some reason, even more so than with me, which has led to a lot of resentment by my sister of both my mother and me. Mom's way of trying to "push" us to be better, growing up, was to criticize each of us and to pit us against each other.)

I don't think you can demand anything of your siblings, as they will just resent it if you do. You can try to talk to them about how much their father appreciates the time he spends with them, and maybe you can set up opportunities when they can come over, and you can be there to mediate and keep things on an even keel. You can try to find out what is behind the excuses of them not coming over more. You may or may not be able to do anything about it.

**Ramona** · 01-25-2012, 12:49 PM

I'd ask for one of them to stay with Dad for a weekend morning, afternoon or evening and do it on a regular, rotating basis among them.

This would give me time to take a walk, meet friends, go to the library.

Hugs to you for being a caregiver ♥

**auntie2many** · 01-25-2012, 12:57 PM

How about when they come over asking them to take your dad out for a meal so that you and your dh can have a little alone time.

Or asking them to help out more with his medical care and appts. Take him to run some of his errands while they are there visiting. Throw in a load of his laundry and fold it while visiting. That ensures that they spend more time with dad.

Libby, don't forget that you have a spouse now too and you two need time alone. You also need down time. Like you had yesterday when you had your sore throat.

Wishing you the best. Just some ideas.

A2M

**CrazyCat** · 01-25-2012, 01:10 PM

What about Holidays?

Is it possible to trade off holidays with the other siblings? They should have dad at their house for holidays. Perhaps work out a schedule..(and yes you will probably have to facilitate this)~Thanksgiving 2012 with sister s. christmas 2012 with brother b.

I have 'shared' parenting...of my 88 yr old father. It's a tuff job.
Harder because my sister and I are 10 hours apart.
We have been trading off holidays for the last 10 years easily.

Hugs Libby.....I know how conflicted you feel about this.

**brennasmom** · 01-25-2012, 01:15 PM

I was thinking along the same lines of Ramona.

Ask that one of them come each Sat. or Sun and either spend some time with him or take him out for a while. Honestly, it is the least they can do. On a rotation it would only be once every few weeks and it would give you a break. Is there something he likes to do that your siblings could do with him... go to the movies, play chess, take a walk?

**Libby** · 01-25-2012, 03:51 PM

Originally Posted by madhen

I don't think you can demand anything of your siblings, as they will just resent it if you do. You can try to talk to them about how much their father appreciates the time he spends with them, and maybe you can set up opportunities when they can come over, and you can be there to mediate and keep things on an even keel. You can try to find out what is behind the excuses of them not coming over more. You may or may not be able to do anything about it.

BINGO! Though they are asking me how they can help, Im not really sure what to tell them b/c (1) I am not the boss of them and (2) whats the point if its forced visitation? no one would enjoy it (3) I'm afraid that I'd be hearing hot air from them all over again b/c of reason (2).

Originally Posted by auntie2many

How about when they come over asking them to take your dad out for a meal so that you and your dh can have a little alone time.

Or asking them to help out more with his medical care and appts. Take him to run some of his errands while they are there visiting. Throw in a load of his laundry and fold it while visiting. That ensures that they spend more time with dad.

Libby, don't forget that you have a spouse now too and you two need time alone. You also need down time. Like you had yesterday when you had your sore throat.

Wishing you the best. Just some ideas.

A2M

The doctors appts are usually during the day and I prefer to be there with dad so I know what's *really* going on with his health vs what he tells us to leave him alone b/c he's in denial that he's aging.

I do agree that DH & I do need alone time. However we're not the Friday night dinner date type couple. We do enjoy being homebodies. And usually during the evenings, once the sun has gone down, dad settles. Dinner has been eaten, kitchen tidied up...dad is more then happy to chill in front of his tv thus leaving DH & I to have our QT at home. This is what I mean...dad doesn't need someone with him 24/7 but rather, someone in the background 'just in case' something happens or he forgets something - which does happen.

Originally Posted by CrazyCat

What about Holidays?

Is it possible to trade off holidays with the other siblings? They should have dad at their house for holidays. Perhaps work out a schedule..(and yes you will probably have to facilitate this)~Thanksgiving 2012 with sister s. christmas 2012 with brother b.

I have 'shared' parenting...of my 88 yr old father. It's a tuff job.
Harder because my sister and I are 10 hours apart.
We have been trading off holidays for the last 10 years easily.

Hugs Libby.....I know how conflicted you feel about this.

My ideal resolution to this would be to have every sibling set up a room in their house for dad to stay (everyone does have that extra room) and then we could have him spend a weekend with them should DH & I go out of town OR just have him stay overnight/weekend while we get to stay home w/o having to be 'on alert - just in case'. Sadly that will never happen...both siblings prefer to keep those extra rooms set up to be looked at and not functional. I've already asked for this and the excuses that come out of their mouths, you'd think I was asking them to host a homeless foreign language speaking stranger.

AND dad knows its only a short drive back home and would want to come back home after the visit.

Originally Posted by brennasmom

I was thinking along the same lines of Ramona.

Ask that one of them come each Sat. or Sun and either spend some time with him or take him out for a while. Honestly, it is the least they can do. On a rotation it would only be once every few weeks and it would give you a break. Is there something he likes to do that your siblings could do with him... go to the movies, play chess, take a walk?

Dad is a simple man...stays home, likes home improvements (which he's not able to do well anymore and nothing needs to be done) and the casino. We don't like the latter b/c that just means hes giving away his money and he's admitted its not 'fun' for him anymore. He doesn't have hobbies, he's not social...he's a loaner and likes to do his own thing and not have to depend on anyone. He's learned to depend on DH & I b/c we're here, we see what goes on.

------------------

After thinking about this more, I really don't think there's anything more that my siblings could do for dad that I/we (DH & I) don't already do. I mean yes, I would be happy if one of the siblings decided to come by on the weekend and take dad out shopping to all his fave stores if he's game - he prefers the weekdays b/c its not so busy but has gone out occasionally on Saturdays. It would help the siblings get in more QT with dad.

When DH & I have gone away in the past, we were told that they would come by the house to check on both him and the house and take him out shopping etc. What we've come home to is dad sulking (ie taking it out on us) b/c we told him someone was coming to take him out and he had to go out on his own thus not being able to buy what he wanted OR not being to buy everything in one trip b/c he had to carry it. (wheeled bundled buggy is not an option for him) When the siblings were questioned as to why they didn't come over... "Oh we called. He said everything was alright and he didn't need anything or want to go anywhere" knowing how dad is and that he will tell them what they want to hear so he'd be left alone. Then I find out from dad that they are calling at 9pm at night. Of course dad doesn't want to go shopping at 9pm.

Another scenario, DH & I went out of town for a few days - my bro offered to take dad to dr appt and instead of paying to park on the medical buildings property and have dad pay the fee, my bro parked at the neighbouring grocery store parking lot and made dad walk all the way to the medical building. Its not exactly close by and what would my bro have done to get dad home had his car been towed for illegal parking?? The cost of the cab ride home plus fees to get his car released from impound is definitely more then $10...which dad was happy to pay.

Had a discussion with dad about having outside help come to the house - cleaning, volunteer driver for shopping trips etc. He said he doesn't want a stranger coming into the home and then questioned why I'd want that since I'm home already. He is still capable of still going about his daily routines and does walk to the mall, takes transit downtown and back etc so I can kind of see where he is coming from.

I do know I need to accept the help that is offered and that I can not dictate how I want the help but if its going to constantly neglect dad...I might have to stop asking for the help. Did that make sense?

I guess all I can do at this point is ask them to visit more often and longer then 30 mins at a time both would benefit dad and the siblings travel time to get here (approx 30 mins)

**McD** · 01-25-2012, 04:44 PM

I know you said your dad doesnt' have a lot of hobbies, but it sounds like he needs some purpose in his life. Something to do, to look forward to, something to keep him from pulling a Dennis the Menace.

Does he like games? Is he computer savvy? You mentioned home improvements---what about wood burning or whittling? 'Upcycling' things into something else?

**Libby** · 01-25-2012, 06:23 PM

Not sure what he'd like to do in terms of 'hobbies'. No puzzles, no crosswords, no computer - hes afraid of them

but he loves to watch WWE (go figure). Not sure what he'd like to do to keep him from getting into mischief.

I partially joked that we were going to get a city parks & recs pass and take some 'exercise for seniors' class just to get him out and about and moving. If he'd swim - I'd gladly take him with me to the gym or pool.

**pinecone** · 01-26-2012, 11:26 PM

Originally Posted by Libby

My ideal resolution to this would be to have every sibling set up a room in their house for dad to stay ...Sadly that will never happen.... AND dad knows its only a short drive back home and would want to come back home after the visit..... my bro parked at the neighbouring grocery store parking lot and made dad walk all the way to the medical building.

Is there an agency in your area that can give you information on what is available in your area for support?
I smiled when you said dad would want to come home after the visit. It is because home is a safe place with routines and items that are familiar.
Your brother parked where he did because he is able to do the walking and just doesn't understand, yet.
I cared for DMIL-Alz for 7 years at our home. In the support group that our hospital has, I came to realize many of the men are "fix it" people. DMIL had a disease that could not be "fixed" but her limitations accepted. At first I thought DH and I had a hard time as we both are "onlies" but again in the support group we heard time and again the sibling ankle biting or denial that the family member had dementia.

Hugs to you, I'm not sure what path your dad is taking but it is hard to see the man that taught you how to ride a bike and parallel park slip.

piney

**mombottoo** · 01-27-2012, 09:24 AM

((((hugs)))) It is hard to care for a parent as they age because, it's hard for us to watch them go from being the strong person in our lives to being the one that needs us to be strong.

Everyone is responsible for their own relationship with your dad. We've had issues concerning my dad over the past couple of years and it has caused a great deal of animosity amongst family members. My sister did something underhanded concerning our dad and it really didn't help issues that were already going on. After she did what she did many family members don't want to have to deal with her so, that affects the relationship they have with our dad since he is living with her.

The relationships we have with our parents as they age will usually depend on the relationship we had with them over time. So, if your siblings really didn't see your dad a whole lot before, chances are they are going to continue that type of relationship now.

**frugalfranny** · 01-28-2012, 03:32 PM

Originally Posted by McD

but it sounds like he needs some purpose in his life. Something to do, to look forward to, something to keep him from pulling a Dennis the Menace.

Yes, probably so..........but I learned that is something that you just
don't suggest or force IN ANY WAY............

Like all of us...........they have to find their own purpose, if there is to be one. And it will help the mental part if you can find 'a purpose'.........

Libby.........does he like to go for rides? (my dad loved exploring his 'little countryside')........how about asking one of the sibs to come get him and take him for a day.........just riding (if that is one of his things) and for lunch or shopping somewhere that he likes?

Feel for you..............I didn't live with my dad but it was still tough and when he went into nursing home it was final straw for family.

**oheoh's momma** · 01-28-2012, 04:32 PM

Libby could u have a friend of yours come and sit with dad so u could go out to lunch with family or friends.. It is hard I know. could some one come and stay with dad for a evening.
maybe discuss with the siblings that 1 of them could come 1x a week so u could have some me time.
I feel for u there is no one to help with grandma so it all on me...
Yes u are entitled to a meltdown and entitled to your feelings. I hope u can get your family to help you. we are trying home health here.

**Telephus44** · 01-28-2012, 05:25 PM

Can I second your siblings suggestions that you do actually see a counselor? Not because you had a meltdown, but because I think you would benefit from having an outside view of the situation.

I watched my MIL do this with her mother. She was always taking care of her, driving her to doctors appointments, in charge of her meds, and took her into her home at the end. She was always upset at her sisters for not helping more, but she was also a control freak over the situation, so if they didn't help in exactly the right way - like took her to the wrong grocery store - she would freak out. It reminded me of helicopter parenting - like my MIL knew her mom best she since she was best qualified to make all the decisions so she wanted to make all the decisions, but at the same time resented ended up with all the work. It was a difficult situation for everyone, and in particular was really hard on my MIL.

**McD** · 01-30-2012, 11:57 AM

Originally Posted by frugalfranny

Yes, probably so..........but I learned that is something that you just
don't suggest or force IN ANY WAY............

Like all of us...........they have to find their own purpose, if there is to be one. And it will help the mental part if you can find 'a purpose'.........

Absolutely, I was thinking more along the lines of 'okay, he used to love doing X, but can't now because of y', but is there another way that he can do something similar? I know of some old people that used to love to play checkers or chess with others, but are now housebound. But they can play others online via a computer, kwim?

That's what I was getting at. Maybe there could be a tweak or an adjustment to an old hobby or habit that would make it interesting or feasible for him again.